Mom Angelica, a NICU nurse based in Idaho, USA, tells of how she and her husband Nick expecting her 2nd baby Ezra. Her pregnancy was going fine till around 33 weeks, when she noticed that he wasn’t moving around as much during a work break. She went home, worried and tried to calm her fears, but got even more worried when she couldn’t find his heartbeat using her own stethoscope. She and her husband wen to the hospital (during the COVID pandemic), and were told that there was no heartbeat.
Angelica delivered her son Ezra in June 2020 via C-section. Despite all the restrictions due to the pandemic, their parents and some family were able to meet Ezra after he was born. At the time of the recording, the cause of Ezra’s death was unknown.
Watch here (YouTube):
Listen here (podcast):
Time Stamps:
00:00 Ezra
01:22 Angelica’s intro
05:32 How was pregnancy
12:06 When they found out
31:27 C-section and meeting Ezra
36:57 Time with Ezra
48:07 Funeral arrangements
53:50 Did they find anything?
You might appreciate these other episodes:
- Watch/listen to Angelica’s advice episode of son Ezra: Click here
- Watch/listen to Tiffany‘s birth episode of daughter Khyana’s: Click here
Wanna help?
- DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
- SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
- SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.
Full Transcription:
Angelica 0:00
Ezra Wilde
Angelica 0:08
He had dark blonde hair, and his second toe is longer than his big toe. Just like his papas. And when he was born he looked like his sister.
Winter 0:22
Welcome to Still A Part of Us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m Winter.
Lee 0:29
And I’m Lee, we are grateful you joined us today. Please note that this is a story of loss and has triggers.
Winter 0:35
Thanks to our lost parents who are willing to be vulnerable and share their children with us.
Lee 0:39
If you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.
Winter 0:46
Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they’re still a part of us.
Winter 1:02
We are so excited to have Angelica here today to talk about her sweet son, Ezra. Angelica, thank you so much for coming on to talk to us about Ezra. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Where are you? Who are you? Where are you from? What do you do? Yeah, where? And guess where you were at the time of Ezra’s birth.
Angelica 1:22
Thank you for having me. I really, really appreciate you wanting to hear his story. My name is Angelica. I am 32 years old. I live in Idaho. I’m a registered nurse. I have worked for eight years, but the last four years have been in the neonatal ICU, which has been kind of an especially interesting challenge as of late.
Winter 1:49
Yes, I am sure.
Angelica 1:53
But I was working full time when I was pregnant with him. Kind of through COVID, too, but nothing really ever changed for me because I was still working in a hospital setting. So–
Winter 2:06
Yeah.
Angelica 2:07
Still going in a few days a week.
Winter 2:11
Great. And what does your family look like who you mentioned Ezra’s papa? So–
Angelica 2:20
I have been married for almost 10 years to my husband, Nick. We have a three and a half year old little girl named Philippa.
Winter 2:30
Awesome. That’s wonderful. And anything you guys like to do in your spare time, any hobbies as a family? Or personally?
Angelica 2:39
My husband and I met in college in the marching band.
Winter 2:43
You did?
Angelica 2:44
Yes.
Winter 2:45
So what Okay, I got to ask what did you play in the marching band? Because I was in the marching band too.
Winter 2:51
Oh, really?
Winter 2:52
Uh huh.
Angelica 2:52
Oh, I played alto saxophone.
Winter 2:55
Nice.
Angelica 2:56
Nick played the trombone.
Winter 2:59
Wonderful. That is, I have fond memories of the marching band. So I love that you guys met in the marching band.
Angelica 3:08
I mean, after college, we would play in wind ensembles together. But it kind of dwindled after Philippa was born. Now with COVID it’s not really all that safe to be playing the wind instruments.
Winter 3:22
Exactly.
Angelica 3:25
But that was what we used to do for fun. Then just spending time with our family. We have extended family fairly close. Nick’s parents live about two minutes away. Mine are about five minutes away.
Winter 3:37
Oh, that’s great.
Angelica 3:39
My brother and sister in law live about two minutes away as well.
Winter 3:42
Now, that’s a blessing I have found to have family nearby. So that’s wonderful. I know we’re going to touch on this a little bit later. But I just wanted to point out that you are a NICU nurse. That is quite heavy I’m sure. So I appreciate you coming on because this can probably lend a little bit more of a different perspective for our listeners. So thank you so much for coming on again.
Angelica 4:13
Thank you so much.
Winter 4:15
So yeah, and when was Ezra born? Can you give us kind of some context, you don’t have to give his exact birth date, but can you give us like, how long ago was it that he was born?
Angelica 4:27
He was born on June 1st of 2020.
Winter 4:30
Okay.
Angelica 4:31
It has been a little over 10 months?
Winter 4:33
Yeah, it’s still very new for you. I’m so sorry that it is so raw still I’m sure for you. So tell me, were you planning on getting pregnant with Ezra, any fertility issues, or was that something that was part of your general family plan?
Angelica 4:54
We were really fortunate to not have any fertility issues. But it did take us about seven months before we found out that he was on the way. It took a while and sometimes it can feel like forever. When you’re trying.
Winter 5:09
Yeah.
Angelica 5:10
When you’re talking when you’re trying to build your family, and you have this timeline in the back of your head, and you just realize exactly how little control you have over it.
Winter 5:20
Yeah, it’s so frustrating. But that’s great that you guys found out you’re pregnant. So he was planned and how was your pregnancy?
Angelica 5:32
It was actually, it was really good. Until, it wasn’t.
Angelica 5:36
Yeah.
Angelica 5:37
We found out we were expecting him in November of 2019. I just remember being really excited, but also really nervous, kind of anticipating something bad to happen before anything ever did happen. You know, I’ve just always been a very anxious person, and especially working in the NICU. I know, I’ve seen a lot of things that can go wrong. So I guess, in my head I’m trying to anticipate those things all the time. Which is not especially good for my mental health, but I was kind of cautiously optimistic.
Winter 6:18
Okay.
Angelica 6:18
When we found out that we were expecting.
Winter 6:21
Now as I’m actually a little curious, how did Philippas’ pregnancy go? Were you still cautious? Because of that?
Angelica 6:28
Yeah, probably for different reasoning. Well, somewhat. So I had just started working in the NICU when we found out about Philipa.
Winter 6:39
Okay.
Angelica 6:41
Before that I was working in the adult world. So they put me into all of these kinds of orientation types of courses with the new grads, because working with the neonatal population is very different. So I was learning about all of the things that could happen as they were happening. As I was meeting each of these milestones in my own pregnancy with my daughter. I was so worried, just so anxious that something could happen. Kind of bracing myself for something to happen and nothing did. I just was building up all of this anxiety. And oh, gosh, I don’t know. It’s just the way that my brain works I guess. If there were an Olympic event for worrying, I would have so many gold medals. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Winter 7:43
Yeah, I usually am very, I guess, cautiously optimistic as well. Because you know, you just have a few things. You’ve seen enough things you’re like, something’s going to go bad. Yeah. So your pregnancy was good. Did you guys find out that he was going to be a boy at the 20 week scan? Is that something you guys wanted to do and make sure that you knew?
Angelica 8:10
Yeah, mostly because when it comes to naming our children, we wanted to cut the name cooldown by half if we could.
Winter 8:21
Smart.
Angelica 8:22
So, it was actually about 17 weeks that we found out that we were having a boy. We were actually able to bring Philippa with us to that appointment, not because we planned it that way. But we just couldn’t find anybody to take care of her that particular day. So it was the three of us there. They didn’t plan to do an ultrasound, but did one so that Philippa could see him and hear his heartbeat. And the doctor said, “Well, you know, we’re still a few weeks early, but would you like to know if it’s a boy or girl?” And he said, “Tentatively, I can tell you you’re having a boy.” And then three weeks later, it was confirmed.
Winter 9:03
That’s great. Oh, that’s special that Philippa was able to be there too. That’s so fun. That was probably before. I mean, that was probably in the middle of COVID, too, wasn’t it? When you had that appointment?
Angelica 9:16
It was before lockdown.
Winter 9:18
Okay.
Angelica 9:19
Before lockdown at that point they were still allowing family to come with you–
Winter 9:26
Okay.
Angelica 9:26
–To your appointments. They hadn’t told us anything about not allowing children and we just figured that we would keep her the distance in case she happened to be one of those asymptomatic carriers, or something like that. Keep her away from the other parents.
Winter 9:40
Yeah.
Angelica 9:41
Then bring her into the office and keep her on the opposite side of the room from the doctor, but just you’re considering what happened. I’m just so grateful that she was there. I know that she probably won’t remember it. But–
Winter 9:54
Yeah, what a blessing really that is so special. For her to have been there. How are your other appointments? Were there? Was there anything at all that was of concern? I guess?
Angelica 10:06
Not really, actually. That was one of the things that made me feel so perplexed about this, just this feeling of impending doom that I constantly had through the pregnancy. About the only thing that was a little bit abnormal, was during the 20 week ultrasound when we were taking a look at his heart. There were three areas of echogenicity. I think it was his left atrium. Philipaa had one in her left atrium as well. I talked with the doctor about a little bit, but he said, “Unless there were more, more spots or more areas of echogenicity, that you can see that, he wouldn’t recommend a fetal echo.”
Winter 10:53
Okay.
Angelica 10:54
Just that they were small areas of calcification, and that he wasn’t concerned about it. So I tried to not be concerned about it, too. But he was healthy and strong and so active. I remember Philippa, she moved around a lot, but he was a little ninja in there.
Winter 11:21
Oh, that’s so great. So super active?
Angelica 11:26
Yes, extremely active and his movement was extremely predictable too. Which was something that I was really grateful for. Because that gave me a little bit of solace, when I would start to worry about something, you know. I think to myself, “Oh, I haven’t felt him move for a little bit.” Then he would give me a little jab and I know, he was okay.
Winter 11:47
Like, I’m hearing you mom. So that is going along just fine. Tell me what happened. What were those series of events that led to you finding out that Ezra was going to be still born.
Angelica 12:05
So it was a string of three days that I was working, starting from May, oh goodness, I think it was May 29. It had been really busy on the unit, just a lot of acuity. High census. Just a lot of work for all of us to do. I got to day number three.
Angelica 12:35
So at that point it was May 31st. I had a really busy assignment, and was finally able to slow down and get some lunch. It was about three o’clock at that point, three, or three thirty. I remember feeling him move around the time when I was eating lunch. But then I went back to my assignment. With everything that I was doing, I guess I just wasn’t paying attention to see if he was moving anymore, or at any point after that.
Angelica 13:05
So I finished up my shift and gave a report. I still had so much charting to do. So I sat down and was drinking cold water, expecting him to move, but he wasn’t moving. That set off alarm bells in my head. But I know that I’m an anxious person already. So I thought that I was just overreacting a little bit, that something just didn’t feel quite right.
Angelica 13:38
I finished charting and left the unit. I was walking to my car, and just checking my phone for any messages that I had missed. My mom had sent me a photograph of my grandmother. I realized that it had been 12 years since her passing. So she passed on the 31st. I don’t know why I felt like that was strangely significant. I just felt so sad.
Angelica 14:11
But you know, I was still talking to Ezra, still kind of rubbing my belly and walking to my car. Telling him that we were going to go home and see what his sister and Papa were doing. I got home and I remember just thinking to myself, like he hadn’t moved while I was in the car. I told my husband and at that point Philippa was already in bed asleep. So I actually think I’d given her a kiss on the forehead that morning when I went to work, but I hadn’t seen her beyond that. I was so preoccupied with the fact he wasn’t moving that I didn’t go in to kiss her goodnight.
Angelica 14:55
So, we had dinner and I tried to kind of elicit a little bit of movement. I think I ate an orange, trying to get him to move. Even brought out ice packs and kind of held them on either side of my abdomen to see if I could get him to do anything. My husband said, “Oh there, I thought I felt something.” And so I took a little bit of a deep breath. I thought, okay, well, maybe I’m just overreacting at this point.
Angelica 15:27
I took a shower, but I still wasn’t feeling that really significant movement I was accustomed to, and then we started to get ready for bed. It was a Sunday. My last day of work, I wasn’t going into work the following morning, but Nick was. So he started to get settled for work, or settle the bed prior to the new work week.
Angelica 15:53
I see that for a little bit and started a kick count. I actually pulled out my stethoscope and tried to find him. I could usually find him if I couldn’t hear him terribly well, at the very least I could hear his heartbeat. Even if it sounded distant there, you know, but I couldn’t find him. I started to panic a little bit. So about 23 minutes into the kick count, I stopped. I knew that I was supposed to go for about two hours or so, but I just haven’t felt anything for at least that one. So I called L&D and asked them what they thought, because I wanted to get their opinion. And make sure I wasn’t going in unnecessarily. They told me to go.
Angelica 16:50
It was also very late at that point. It was after midnight. So at that point, Nick had fallen asleep. So I went and I got dressed. I even remember looking up and down at things in my closet thinking to myself, okay, so if something is wrong, there’s something really awful has happened. What clothing do I not mind hating for the rest of my life?
Angelica 17:18
I woke my husband up and I told him that I was gonna go to the hospital. He asked me if I wanted him to have him go with me. I told him not to because if I was overreacting, I didn’t want to wake up our family and make them worry for nothing. Especially since everybody else had to work too. So I told him to stay with Philipa.
Angelica 17:47
I left and I remember leaving with a phone charger that I could have in my hospital room, my ID, my insurance card, my clothes and that was it. I didn’t even have a hospital bag packed and honestly, the unpacked hospital bag is still hanging where it was 10 months ago. I haven’t been able to touch it.
Winter 18:16
Angelica, can I ask you a quick question?
Angelica 18:19
Yeah.
Winter 18:19
What week are you at this time?
Angelica 18:23
Oh, sorry about that. At this point I am 33 weeks and five days.
Winter 18:28
Okay.
Angelica 18:28
Gestation.
Winter 18:29
Okay.
Angelica 18:30
I remember that really distinctly because I remember having read so many stories, just with COVID-19 being so unpredictable. I had read a story about a mother who had lost her life at about 33 weeks or so. And because we were about at the same place in our pregnancies, I thought to myself, okay, if I can just to get through this week, I’ll be okay. If I can get to 34 everything will be okay.
Angelica 19:06
I was seriously doubting that things are gonna be okay, at that point. So I was driving, and I went to the same hospital that I work at. Triage for labor and delivery is right down the hall from the NICU. So I had been there earlier in the day. I could have gone at any point in the day. And that’s been a really hard thing, actually, knowing that I was there all day long. I could have gone over and that maybe things would have been different.
Angelica 19:39
So I’m driving and I’m talking to him. I’m driving in silence. Just thinking to myself, what might be happening. Considering what could cause decreased fetal movement in him at that point. Trying to determine what was going on, if anything. How he was going to do if he was going to be delivered that night, or I guess at that point that morning, because it was really early on June 1st. I kept telling him, it’s okay, we’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay.
Angelica 20:18
I arrived to the hospital and I parked the car. I had forgotten the mask. So I entered through the emergency room, which is where they were having everyone enter, and they handed me a mask. The nurse who was at the front desk asked me if I knew where L&D was, and I told them that I did. Then, you know, seeing me with my giant protruding belly, he looked at me, he said, good luck and sent me upstairs.
Angelica 20:50
I just remember feeling so much dread, at that point, so much dread walking those halls and waiting for the elevator to come up, or to come back down. The elevator to come down to get checked in to triage. They got me into my room and started to set up the doppler, but my nurse couldn’t find him and couldn’t find Ezra anywhere. She asked me where we normally were able to find him. So I pointed on my abdomen to where she could go and still nothing. She told me, she said, “You know what, I’m going to call the doctor and see if the doctor can bring down a machine. An ultrasound machine so that we can see what’s going on.”
Angelica 21:44
There’s a part of me that knew what was going on when she said that, but I didn’t want to believe that anything was severely wrong. So I just kind of took a breath and talked to him until the doctor came. I ended up falling asleep a little bit. Because I hadn’t slept at all since about 6:45am the morning before. So I was nodding off. I thought to myself, there’s no way that I could be falling asleep if something is seriously wrong.
Angelica 22:26
I was awoken by the doctor on call coming through. He said, “I am so sorry that it took me so long.” He said, “I got here as soon as I could and they even said some prayers on the way down.” There was a part of me that thought that is so sweet, but then there’s another part of me that thought, oh, gosh, you know, if you’re praying that things are okay, then my guess is that things really aren’t. So he even told me to take my mask off at that point. I told him “No, it’s okay. You know, I feel fine. I’m comfortable. It’s okay.”
Angelica 23:02
So he started the ultrasound. Taking a look at Ezra and the screens at a little bit of an angle and there was no movement. As he was passing up along his rib cage, I was trying to see if I could find his heartbeat, but I couldn’t see anything. I wasn’t hearing anything either. I thought to myself, this is not okay, something is really, really not okay. But then I thought to myself, you were not trained to do an ultrasound. So just take a minute. Maybe everything’s fine. He traced back and forth along my abdomen for a long time. At least it felt like a long time.
Angelica 23:52
Then he looked up at me, and his eyes had started to get a little bit glassy and said, I just need to be absolutely sure. In the back of my brain I’m screaming, absolutely sure of what? Absolutely sure of what? Then he put the wand down and he looked at me and he said, “I am so so sorry.”
Angelica 24:20
At that point, nobody, not one of us had said the words gone, dead or no heartbeat. He didn’t need to say anything more for me to know what happened, or to understand what he saw or didn’t see. I started to fall apart. The nurse asked me if there was anyone that I needed for them to call. I said yes please to my husband.
Angelica 24:55
At that point I felt my phone buzz and I guess Nick had woken up and realized how long I’d been gone. Asked me if everything was okay. So I told him and I was just in tears struggling to get words out. I didn’t even tell him what had happened. All I asked him was if he could come to the hospital. I don’t know if it was because I genuinely was just forgetful. Like I had forgot to mention something. Or didn’t want to say it out loud, because that would make it real. And he said, “Yes, yes. You know, I’ll be there. I’ll be there soon.”
Angelica 25:43
He started to call around and try to find someone to be there with Philippa. To stay with her overnight. So I hung up the phone, and my doctor was really kind. He sat with me for a little bit, but then he had to go. It took Nick about 20 minutes to get to the hospital. We live about 15 minutes away. But he struggled to find anybody awake at that point. It was two am I think, two, two 15. But he ended up getting ahold of his dad. His dad came to stay with our daughter.
Angelica 26:36
That time period, it felt like forever. But for that time period, I just remember rocking back and forth and crying. Holding, clutching my abdomen and then saying I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Over and over again, I didn’t know what to say, or what else to do. When Nick arrived I gave him a big hug.
Angelica 27:06
It wasn’t too much longer after that, that the doctor came back in with the ultrasound machine. He said, “Guys, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to torture you here. But this is the doctor in me wanting to be 100% sure of what I saw. Because if I’m wrong, then there’s no way that I can forgive myself.” So he did another ultrasound. At that point, Nick knew. Nick knew it. Later when I talked to him, he said “That I almost didn’t need to mention what had happened. To say out loud what had happened. Because he knew something was very wrong. Like beyond, we’re going to deliver him tonight and he’s very sick, wrong.”
Angelica 27:59
So after that second ultrasound, the doctor dealt with one, he said, I’m so sorry again. Then he told us that he and his wife had experienced a loss like that about a decade before. He said not to blame ourselves for anything. And not to turn pain and the anger inward. You know, he said that he would come back in a little bit for us to determine what the next steps were going to be.
Angelica 28:36
At that point Nick he held my hand. He said what are we gonna call him? ”Philippa, what are we going to call him? And we had actually narrowed our names down to Felix and Ezra. For some reason, blessed you know, the days leading up to that I had been calling him Ezra just kind of trying, you know, it felt great. That was what we named him. Ezra Wilde like Oscar Wilde because Philippa, his middle name, is danger.
Winter 29:26
I love that so much.
Angelica 29:30
It was Nick’s idea. So we figured we needed to follow the theme. Then Nick looked at me, he said, “Well, at least the hardest part is over.” And I looked at him and I said, “No, the hardest part is not over.” You know, for as awful as it is to be told that your child is dead. Now we have to deliver him.
Angelica 30:04
The doctor came in and talked a little bit about it. We have a scheduled c-section that we had actually made at eight weeks, which I thought was way too early for them to be putting me on the OR schedule. Just nursing superstition, I guess, very much akin to that feeling that you get when somebody says the word quiet on the floor?
Winter 30:30
Yes.
Angelica 30:31
You know that he was scheduled c-section repeat c-section because I’d had a C-section with my daughter and been diagnosed with a supple pelvic disproportion. I just was not built to have a vaginal delivery. So instead of attempting a V back, I said, “No, just go ahead and put us on the schedule whenever.” I was fine with not waiting until my doctor, my attending actually came on to came on duty. The anesthetist came and chatted with us too. He was surprisingly cheery, which I thought would be bothersome, but it really wasn’t. It was almost kind of helpful.
Angelica 31:27
Then I fell asleep. And I woke up a few hours later, when they came in for surgery. They put me on the schedule for about 630 or so. Yeah, I remember waking up and then all of a sudden I felt cramps. You know, just kind of the beginning of contractions, I thought anyway. I started to feel really sick to my stomach, just really, really nauseated. They had, they’d already talked to me. So they wheeled me out and said, “Don’t worry, we’ll get something in your system.” They started an IV, they did a lot of blood, a lot of blood for testing on me to determine what had happened.
Angelica 32:29
They wheeled me into the OR, and put me onto the table and told me that we’re going to do a spinal block. So they kind of sat me up and Nick was getting ready into hospital scrubs. So they told me to sit up and I did. When I did, I looked off into the corner where my heart chart was sitting and there was a giant butterfly pasted on the front of it. Then I fell apart I just fell apart. Because that made it that much more real.
Angelica 33:08
Then at the same time, I was thinking about the fact that before my husband even knew the true nature of what had happened my co-workers probably knew because they probably saw 33 weeker coming to triage. We’re anticipating potentially getting said 33 weeker. Then the status went from you know, absent fetal movement to fetal demise, and just all of it just was too much. It’s just way too much.
Angelica 33:39
They pulled up the drape and started the surgery. Shortly before that my husband had come in and he was sitting at my side. I mean, neither of us really were in a great headspace. We just didn’t know we were both in such a shock. For Philippa’s birth Nick brought in his phone, and he was taking pictures as they were doing surgery. This time around, he forgot his phone. So the only photo that we have in the OR is the one that the anesthetist took for us with his phone. I’m just laying there and just crying. The OR is silent, just painfully silent.
Angelica 34:34
Later someone asked me “Oh, which NICU team came to attend your C-section?” Because that’s just standard protocol in the NICU. You attend every c-section. I had to look at them and say nobody was there. Nobody attended my C section because why would a NICU team be there for a babys who dead?
Angelica 34:54
I felt a lot of pressure and then I felt no pressure at all, just emptiness. That was when I knew that he had been born because I could just tell he was gone. I just thought, you know, hr is not physically there anymore. No one had told me that he had been born, but I could hear a nurse begin to cry. And she said, “Oh, he’s so beautiful.”
Angelica 35:26
She brought him over to a little warmer, and laid him down on a swaddle blanket. The swaddle had trucks overtop of it. And she began to swaddle him up. My husband went over a little warmer and took a look at him and said, “He looks just like Phillippa, he looks just like her.” Just if I had started to get any degree through the calm. It was shattered at that point, and I just started to sob again. Then the nurse handed him to my husband, and he brought him over put his cheek against mine. If I didn’t know any better for as warm as his cheek was I would have thought that he was still alive. He was born at 6:42am on June 1st.
Angelica 36:27
Not too long after that my attending physician came in. He said, “I’m so, so sorry.” You know, he just kind of ducked into the OR. He said, “I’m so, so sorry. We’ll figure out what happened. We’re gonna figure out what happened.” And he gave my shoulder a squeeze and he left. They took Nick into the recovery room before they had finished closing on me.
Angelica 37:00
It wasn’t very long before they dropped the drape. I could tell that the obstetrician who was working on me he was the same doctor who told us that Ezra was gone. I could see that he’d been crying the entire time. His eyes were beat red. And I asked him “What happened?” He said, “I’m not sure.” He said, “The assessment looks perfect. It’s perfect. There’s nothing wrong with the umbilical cord. Nothing that I could see. I’m not even sure that y’all want to have the placenta tested, because I just don’t see anything. Well, I don’t see anything wrong. I’m not sure what happened.”
Angelica 37:48
So once they were done, they wheeled me out. They took me into labor and delivery. I thought that maybe they were going to take me on to a different floor, or something away from other laboring moms and living babies. But I was wheeled into room 10 I can remember. I remember going in there thinking to myself, the last time I was in the room, we were here for a code for another baby. Just, you know, the awful things that you remember, having worked in the same hospital.
Angelica 38:24
When I got in there, Nick was cradling Ezra. They got my bed situated. They helped me to sit up a little bit. Nick looked at me and said, “I heard another baby being born a few minutes ago.” While they were kind of showing him into the room. I started to cry again. And he said, “No, no, it’s okay. I’m just so grateful that their baby is okay.”
Angelica 38:56
We got to rock him, talk to him, and sing to him. We weren’t sure because of the pandemic if our family was going to be able to come and see him. But we talked with our nurse and she talked to her charge. The charge talked to the house supervisor and they’re like, “No, we’re going to get people in here for you. Just give us a list of names.”
Angelica 39:19
So they allowed my parents, Nick’s parents, my brother and sister in law to come up. Nick has a sister and a half brother, but both of them live Upstate. Then he looked at me and said, “Well, wait a minute, what about Philipa?” And I said ,”No.” I would have loved her to be there. For her to have been there. I would love that. But at the same time, I didn’t imagine that they would be too keen on the idea of having a two year old in my hospital room.
Angelica 39:59
So slowly, our family members started to trickle in all of them just as just as red eyed and perplexed, as we were. Our nurse got a bunch of footprints, she got sets of footprints for all four couples. So my husband and I, his parents, my parents, my brother and sister in law.
Angelica 40:32
They told us that we could have two visitors at a time. So they came in couples. It started with my parents. They went to leave and my nurse came and she said, “Oh, you know, wait a second, you know, weren’t your parents going to stay for longer?” And I said, “No, we’re only supposed to have two sets of parents, to two visitors at any one given point in time.” She’s like, “No, forget about that. You can have all of them in here if you want, we don’t care.”
Angelica 41:07
So we called them back. Then all the grandparents were there with him at the same time. Eventually, when everybody had a chance to say hello, and goodbye. They all left. There was just the three of us. I asked Nick if he wanted to call one of our family members and show Phillipaa her baby brother. He said that he wasn’t sure that he could handle that. He wasn’t sure that she would really understand what was going on anyway.
Angelica 41:50
I kind of regret it at this point. Not at least asking if we could have had her come up. Even for a couple minutes. Not being more insistent on having somebody call us and show her Ezra through the phone.
Angelica 42:11
I remember holding him. At that point he was swaddled, but he was swaddled with his arms straight down. I wanted to see his hands. So I unswaddled him a little bit and brought his arms up. I remember saying out loud, he should have been swaddled with his hands close to face, because that’s what was developmentally appropriate. Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded. I just held them.
Angelica 42:47
I remember holding his hands and staring into space. We kind of looked at his hair. Nick said his hair was so dark. And I said, “No, it’s not. He just hasn’t been washed yet.” And so he kind of dusted up and held his hair a little bit. And I said, “No, look at his hair. It’s blonde, it’s dark blonde.” For anyone who maybe isn’t looking at a picture of me at this point, I am not blonde haired or blue eyed. I have relatively dark skin, hair, and eyes. So, you know, the fact that either of my children had blonde hair is it, I have no idea where they came from.
Angelica 43:35
I just looked him up and down which was just so amazing. Someone loved him. He weighed 4 pounds, 15 ounces, which is a pretty decent size for a 33 weeker. I was worried that maybe he wasn’t getting enough or something. No, he was getting enough.
Angelica 43:54
We were able to hold him for almost nine hours. They would have let us keep him for longer I think. At that point we noticed that his skin started to shear a little bit in different places. It was just getting progressively worse as time passed. So at that point, I mean, I didn’t even think to ask someone to bring clothing for him. I didn’t have a going home outfit for him, or anything like that I had nothing prepared for him. So he wasn’t clothed, and we didn’t bathe him because I had just been through surgery and I couldn’t breath very well.
Angelica 44:39
I was just so worried about damaging his skin that much more. So I didn’t want them to bathe him because even though I knew it wouldn’t hurt him. It would break my heart to continue to injure his skin. We sang to him, we gave him a bunch of kisses and I handed him over to Nick. I said, “Here you hold him last.” He said, “No, no. You should be able to hold him until he goes. I said, “I had 33 weeks with him. I got to feel him move. I think that you deserve to hold as long as we have him.” When the time came, we handed him over to our nurse and that was that.
Angelica 45:46
They gave me a weighted bear afterwards, which I proceeded to sleep with for about six months straight. We ended up staying in the hospital another two nights and going home on Wednesday morning. I remember my doctor, my own personal obstetrician coming in and he said, “Hey, you look like you’re feeling okay? Do you want to go home today?” I just thought to myself no. There is no way I can go home just yet. Not yet not to silence. I ended up staying for two nights and going home on Wednesday morning. They ended up putting me in a different department, so that I didn’t have to be up on newborn where you could hear babies cry. And that’s Ezra’s birth story.
Winter 47:06
Thanks for sharing that. I’m so glad that you got some time with him. That your hospital was willing to get your parents in there and your brother and sister-in-law. That just made me happy to hear that. I’ve heard so many stories that people have not had that chance and it’s so sad.
Angelica 47:35
It’s absolutely heart wrenching. This pandemic has made that process so much harder than it already is to begin with.
Winter 47:49
Yeah. You guys gave them Ezra and you stayed in the hospital for a couple more days. Did you guys end up deciding to have a funeral, or was he cremated? What did you guys decide to do with him?
Angelica 48:07
I actually grew up alongside an undeveloped portion of land built into a cemetery. It’s the house that my parents still live in. So we decided to have him buried there. I’ve had a couple of coworkers, three of them who have lost babies.
Winter 48:31
Oh really?
Angelica 48:33
Yes and their babies are buried in the same cemetery. Most recently, a friend of mine, she lost her little girl. She was about a month old or so. She had been in the NICU. She was very tiny, very premature. But she passed away. I remembered where she had buried her little girl. So that was actually when I was still in the hospital that my husband and my father-in-law, because my father-in-law and my mother-in-law, offered to pay for everything. For everything that the funeral home didn’t cover. For everything that the cemetery didn’t cover. They offered to pay for everything. Then they went over and we’re looking for a plot. So I told my husband to look for my friend’s little girl. It turns out that the plot right next to her was vacant, so they’re buried side by side.
Winter 49:43
That’s so nice.
Angelica 49:45
We didn’t get to have a funeral per say. We were raised Catholic, but at that point, you know, having a mass for him was completely out of the question which I completely understood. That was okay. So we had a graveside committal. The priest came in, he did a blessing over Ezra’s grave.
Angelica 50:11
We only had a small group of people there, including my friend. Because her little girls are right next to my son. We had a very small group of people and all of us were spread out because of the pandemic. Trying to keep this the cemetery’s staff safe in the process.
Angelica 50:40
Then, after that, I feel bad because I feel like there are so many things that I could have done, but did not. Because in the moment, I just wasn’t thinking about it. I was just shocked that this was happening. You know, I always knew that it could happen. I always knew that there was a possibility that something like this could happen. But regardless of how much I thought and I understood about child loss prior to this, as a nurse, I knew nothing. I knew nothing. What I understood, barely scratches the surface.
Angelica 51:22
So you know, in that moment, we didn’t play any music or anything like that. One of my other friends is super sweet. She brought a couple of pinwheels for him. We knew that eventually the pinwheels would be taken away because the cemetery cleans everything up periodically. So we buried one of them actually in there with him.
Winter 51:45
Oh you did?
Angelica 51:46
He was a pinwheel on top of his casket. Then my husband he quoted I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a Muppet Christmas Carol.
Winter 52:01
Yes, we love that movie.
Angelica 52:05
It’s the scene after they find out that Tiny Tim has died. He said in this life, there are meetings and partings. That is the way that we will never forget Ezra and the love that he brought into our lives. It was something along the lines of that I very distinctly remember the reference to Muppet Christmas Carol.
Angelica 52:37
Then that was it. There was a small gathering that my mother and father in law had at their house. My brother and sister in law came from Washington. They cooked everything you know, made sure that we didn’t have to do anything. He just had a small gathering with everybody who was able to go to the service. Yeah. And it was wonderful. In a very melancholy kind of way.
Winter 53:14
Yeah. I’m so glad that you were able to be with family and friends it sounds like.
Angelica 53:25
We were very fortunate.
Winter 53:28
Angelica did you? I know that your ob said that he was going to try and find out as much as possible of what happened. Did you guys end up having an autopsy done? Sounds like you got blood also taken? Were they able to find anything, or is there anything conclusive about what happened to Ezra?
Angelica 53:50
No, unfortunately. We ended up drawing blood on me to determine if there was some kind of a clotting issue. Everything came back normal for me. They also wanted to do a cytogenetic microarray to determine if there was anything you know, anything genetically that would have caused his stillbirth. That was all completely normal as well.
Angelica 54:27
Originally, we thought that they were going to have to do the cytogenetic microarray on his own tissue. So you know, kind of maybe a tendon or something in the back of his ankle. But they were able to do it on the placenta. That came back normal with the offer to do an autopsy.
Angelica 54:50
I wanted to know what happened. So I was leaning toward yes, but my husband Nick didn’t even pause. He just said, “No. No, we’re not doing that.” You know, and the same thing with cremation. He said, “No, no, I just can’t, I can’t envision us doing that to him.” He said, “I know that he’s gone. And I know that he doesn’t hurt me more, but I can’t do that to him.” So at this point, we don’t know why. I don’t think we ever really will.
Angelica 55:28
I later asked the OB who delivered him. If under the same circumstances, he would have had an autopsy done. And he said, “As the doctor who has done autopsies on infants I don’t think I would have. I don’t think that there would have been anything of note to find, just based on his physical assessment.” He said, “He was perfect. There was nothing to indicate that there was an infectious process and the blood work showed that as well.” He said, “I just don’t know that we will have any answers. I don’t think we’ll have any answers. But under the same circumstances, no. I would not have done an autopsy on my child.” So it’s still just kind of up in the air.
Winter 56:22
It is kind of nice to hear and hear somebody say he looked perfect. And like he said, all intents and purposes he’s perfect. Angelica, thank you so much for sharing your story. It never ceases to surprise me how much I cry on this podcast even though I’m very familiar with some of these stories already. I appreciate you coming on and sharing Ezra with us.
Angelica 56:48
Thank you for allowing me to share him.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai