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advice

Since My Baby Passed: Powerful Life Lessons from a Stillbirth Mother

November 19, 2024 by Winter

Trigger Warning: This episode discusses infant loss, including miscarriage and stillbirth. Please listen with care.

Nothing can prepare you for navigating life after the stillbirth of your child. My guest, Veronika, shares her experience of grieving her son, Benjamin, who only had one umbilical artery. She opens up about the comfort she found in community support, the challenges of loss, and the words that have been both helpful and hurtful along the way.

In this episode, Veronika reflects on the church’s compassion and support that surrounded her and her husband, Scott, during their grief. She also discusses what helped, what hurt, and how each of them processed their loss in unique ways.

Listen to the podcast here:

Some highlights from our conversation with Veronika:

  • The emotional impact of not knowing the cause of Benjamin’s passing
  • Why grieving a child is different from other types of loss
  • The importance of self-compassion and resisting self-blame
  • Ways Veronika and Scott supported one another 
  • Finding comfort in hearing others’ stories of loss

Veronika’s story is a reminder of the unique ways each person grieves. Her journey sheds light on the importance of self-compassion, community, and openhearted support from loved ones. Through shared stories and compassionate listening, healing becomes possible.

“There’s no exact reason why, and you kind of want to have that, because that could, I feel like, help you in a lot of ways to process and grieve. Your mind just wants to know why and what went wrong.” – Veronika

Quotes:

“There’s no exact reason why, and you kind of want to have that, because that could, I feel like, help you in a lot of ways to process and grieve. Your mind just wants to know why and what went wrong.” – Veronika (01:23)

“But when people from your church family tell you, like, ‘This was the Lord’s will,’ and ‘Everything, you know, works out,’ that’s not what you want to hear at that moment. You need to find that out for yourself, not somebody on the outside, or someone who’s never gone through it trying to encourage you.” – Veronika (22:12)

Other Episodes You Might Appreciate:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-had-just-heard-his-heartbeat-a-mothers-story/id1473594556?i=1000670284332

Support the Show:

By donating $5 or $10, you’ll be supporting the ongoing production of these stories. We appreciate your help toward production and hosting costs. 

Donate here: https://ko-fi.com/stillapartofus

Thank you for your support! 

Subscribe:

YOUTUBE: 

Please subscribe to our YouTube channel for more birth stories from families who have experienced a stillbirth or infant loss. We’re grateful that you’re part of our community! https://www.youtube.com/stillapartofus

THE PODCAST:

Please subscribe to Still A Part of Us wherever you find podcasts.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-a-part-of-us-a-podcast-about/id1473594556

Links: 

Grief Support Groups: https://nationalshare.org/

Some of these links are affiliate links, which means we may get a small commission off your purchase, at no extra cost to you.

Filed Under: advice, grief, infant death, podcast episode, stillbirth

16 Years of Remembrance: Melissa’s Journey With Grief and Honoring Her Daughter, Patricia

November 19, 2024 by Winter

Melissa’s daughter, Patricia, was born 16 years ago. Tragically, due to a cord accident, Patricia did not survive. Though it’s been 16 years, Melissa continues to not only remember, but celebrate her daughter’s life.

In this episode, Melissa shares her journey of remembrance and grief and we discuss the importance of understanding that these heartbreaking situations are not your fault.

Listen to the podcast here:

Some highlights from our conversation with Meilssa include:

  • Coping with the loss of her daughter, Patricia
  • Her children’s connection to their sister
  • Ways Melissa keeps Patricia’s memory alive
  • The different ways people experience grief
  • Melissa’s mental and emotional journey during subsequent pregnancies

Whether it’s been six months or 16 years since the loss of a child, grief can resurface on birthdays or even in everyday moments. You may catch yourself wondering “What would they be doing now?” or “What would they look like?” The grief is always there in some way, but hearing others’ stories can bring comfort and we hope Melissa’s story brings you that sense of understanding and connection.

Quotes:

“I always had it in the back of my mind that, you know, something would go wrong, that it could happen again. And that was just always something that stayed with me.” – Melissa

“In the moment of holding her and spending a little bit of time with her, I tried to enjoy it, and it was good––I held it together pretty well after, until that night…” – Melissa (1:48)

“I always had it in the back of my mind that, you know, something would go wrong, that it could happen again. And that was just always something that stayed with me.” – Melissa (9:12)

Other Episodes You Might Appreciate:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/she-had-a-full-head-of-dark-hair-a/id1473594556?i=1000671902845

Support the Show:

By donating $5 or $10, you’ll be supporting the ongoing production of these stories. We appreciate your help toward production and hosting costs. 

Donate here: https://ko-fi.com/stillapartofus

Thank you for your support! 

Subscribe:

YOUTUBE: 

Please subscribe to our YouTube channel for more birth stories from families who have experienced a stillbirth or infant loss. We’re grateful that you’re part of our community! https://www.youtube.com/stillapartofus

THE PODCAST:

Please subscribe to Still A Part of Us wherever you find podcasts.

Links: 

Grief Support Groups: https://nationalshare.org/

Some of these links are affiliate links, which means we may get a small commission off your purchase, at no extra cost to you.

Filed Under: advice, grief, infant death, podcast episode, stillbirth

Her Baby Died–5 Things NOT to Say + Bonus Tip

March 9, 2023 by Winter

In Honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, we are sharing some of the worst things people have said to us and other moms and dads that have lost a baby either by stillbirth or infant death.

If you’re a loss mom/loss dad, what are some of the things you’ve heard that you would recommend people NOT say?

Check out Winter’s interview with Nicole at Mamas and Misses about Pregnancy After Loss (PAL): Here
Shout-out to Ashlee of Presentlee for words of wisdom and beautiful, encouraging jewelry. See their mission and shop here: @presentlee

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

00:00 What?!?
01:00 Disclaimer
01:16 Why would you say that?!?
02:20 Are you kidding me?!?
03:36 Yikes!
04:03 I can’t believe you just said that!
04:53 Oh c’mon!
06:29 BONUS!
08:06 Last advice

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen to Waves of Grief | Bereaved Mother’s Day episode: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Mom Winter (and co-host of Still A Part of Us) birth episode of son Brannan: Click here

Wanna help?

  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.

Filed Under: advice, podcast episode Tagged With: advice

A Dad’s Grief Process After Stillbirth | Baby Lydia

February 17, 2022 by Winter

In this interview, dad Jonah talks about the things that helped him after his daughter Lydia was stillborn at 30 weeks because of an umbilical cord accident. He understands that he and his wife Danielle mourn differently and they both strive to help each other in the moment. Jonah also talks about the anger he had after Lydia died and how he had to acknowledge it as part of the grief process.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

00:00 Welcome
02:27 Open communication with his wife
05:24 Overlooking insensitive comments
08:52 Writing after Lydia’s death
10:06 Homemade Molly Bear
12:23 People grieve differently

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen to Jonah‘s birth episode of daughter Lydia: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Danielle‘s advice episode of daughter Lydia: Click here

Wanna help?

  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.
Baby Lydia, stillborn at 30 weeks

Full Transcription:

Filed Under: advice, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth

Mom of Stillbirth Encourages All Pregnant Moms to Count the Kicks

February 17, 2022 by Winter

Mom Danielle talks about how she’s grieved, mourned, and celebrated her daughter Lydia’s life after she was stillborn at 30 weeks. She died due to an umbilical cord accident.

Danielle talks about her 2 pregnancies after loss (PAL) and how she coped with the anxiety, and encourages other pregnant moms to “count the kicks” using the Count the Kicks phone app. She also started a local Walk of Remembrance with her friend and fellow loss mom Emily as a way to honor Lydia.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):


Time Stamps:

00:00 Welcome
2:17 After Lydia’s birth
7:17 Pregnancy after loss with Luke
10:29 Count the Kicks
17:08 Work and how’s she’s coped
27:23 Therapists and grief support
36:14 Coping as a couple
44:06 Keeping Lydia a part of her life

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen to Danielle‘s birth episode of daughter Lydia: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Jonah‘s birth episode of daughter Lydia: Click here

Wanna help?

  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.
Sweet baby Lydia

Full Transcription

Winter 0:00
Welcome back, everybody to Sill A Part of Us.

Winter 0:02
I am winter and I’m so grateful to have Danielle here with me today to talk about how she has navigated this time after she’s lost her baby Lydia.

Winter 0:13
First of all, before we get started. There are a couple of housekeeping items, this conversation is going to be full of triggers. So we are talking about infant loss, we’re talking about stillbirth, we are talking about grief and actually pregnancy after loss. So please do not watch this episode, if this is something that would trigger you and be too difficult to listen to. We just want you to be safe and happy. And well, I mean, you can be sad to be safe, we want you to be safe.

Winter 0:42
If you are just joining us for the first time, please consider subscribing to this podcast or this channel. We are a community of loss parents and we are trying to help and support each other. So hit the subscribe button. That helps us out and helps other people find us as well.

Winter 0:56
So Danielle, thank you again for coming on. If you missed her birth episode, I encourage you to listen to it. It was really nice to hear about Lydia and to honor her in that story. So thank you so much for coming on and sharing Lydia with us.

Danielle 1:13
Absolutely. It was my honor. Thank you for having me.

Winter 1:16
Oh, yeah, most definitely. Most definitely. So for some context and background, can you tell us how long ago Lydia was born? And what happened to her?

Danielle 1:26
Sure. Lydia was born about six and a half years ago on October 13, 2014. She was stillborn at 30 weeks pregnant. After a picture perfect pregnancy. We lost her due to an umbilical cord accident where the cord got really tight around her neck and her right ankle. So yeah, it was very, very unexpected, and very heartbreaking. She was our first baby. And the daughter who we love and miss very much every day.

Winter 1:59
Yeah. I’m so sorry. Just it is– it’s so unexpected and devastating. Yeah, there’s nothing more to say just I’m sorry.

Danielle 2:09
Thank you.

Winter 2:11
It’s been six and a half years. How has that looked for you? How has that grief landscape looked for you?

Danielle 2:18
Um, it’s been full of lots of ups and downs. Grief is really crazy. I found over the years, especially as more time goes on, I’ve learned to live with the grief a lot better. Of course, early on, it’s all consuming for so long. But now it’s just kind of a part of me. I’ve accepted that. It has its ups and downs. I definitely have a lot more good days now than I did after we first lost Lydia. There are still times where something comes up. And it really triggers the fact that she’s not here, or triggers something that we experienced around the time we lost her. It just makes it feel so raw and fresh again.

Danielle 3:02
So it’s crazy that even as so much time has passed there can still be those moments where it feels like it just happened. Like I just held her and one funny thing I found about grief, even kind of early on as in that first year. I get more upset the more time that passes, because it’s been so long since I got to hold her. So it’s almost like I feel those memories are getting further and further away. That feeling of holding her. I can still feel her against my chest. But now that more time has passed. It’s just hard to accept that it was even longer ago. The memories are not as fresh as they once were.

Winter 3:47
Yeah.

Danielle 3:47
So that’s been kind of a hard thing. Yeah I guess every day is another day closer to being reunited with her and heaven one day, I believe so. There’s that part of it too but yeah, grief’s been crazy. We have had two other babies since then. Actually we have another one on the way right now.

Danielle 4:12
Congratulate

Danielle 4:13
So yeah, after Lydia died, she was our first baby and I just felt so empty. I mean I’m sure every mother who’s lost a baby feels so empty, but it was so hard to return home to a quiet house. I was just so devastated about that and so desperate to have my baby in my arms. I wanted Lydia so it’s not like I just wanted any baby. I really wanted Lydia, but at the same time I just want to have a baby here to hold. I just felt that so desperately.

Danielle 4:54
We talked about trying for another baby pretty soon after Lydia died. Another part of me was also just scared. Since she was our first baby, I’m like, are we ever going to have a living baby? Oh, I was so scared, it would never happen for us. So I wanted to hurry up and —

Winter 5:11
Make sure you can get–

Danielle 5:13
Like, are we gonna be able to have a baby to bring home? So we started trying. The doctor suggested we wait six months, but he said after three months is really the minimum. So we started trying about three months after Lydia passed away. It took like a few, three or four months, but then I did get pregnant. About six months, I guess it was I think we found out in April. So about six months after he had passed away that we were expecting another baby. So that was just absolutely terrifying experience. It was happy on one hand and terrified, on the other hand. About if something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy.

Danielle 5:59
Yeah.

Danielle 6:00
So that was just pregnancy after loss. It’s just a total own experience. I was terrified the whole time. From the very beginning. I was in and out. I had a wonderful doctor, and I found a new doctor. She was so understanding and let me come in all the time, even early on.

Winter 6:19
Great!

Danielle 6:20
I kept coming in and–

Winter 6:22
Just checking.

Danielle 6:23
Yeah, like, can you check my hormone levels? Can you check this? Let’s make sure everything’s good. I was a crazy person. And we did have a scare at 11 weeks. I was close to the end of the first trimester. My husband and I went to the airport with our first rainbow pregnancy. We were going to Virginia, and I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding heavily all of a sudden. And having cramps and we left the airport and went to the hospital, thinking for sure we had a miscarriage. But lo and behold, our baby was still there with a strong heartbeat. We both just cried and later learned it was a sub chorionic hematoma. A blood clot type thing that can cause bleeding. It can also cause lots of extra anxiety that after loss moms do not need to know.

Winter 7:10
Yeah, and it does happen. I mean we’ve had a couple people on and it’s concerning. It’s scary. Scary.

Danielle 7:17
Yeah, for sure. So that was the big scare with that baby. We found out it was a boy, our son Luke, who’s now five.

Danielle 7:26
How’d you feel about– Yeah, I was gonna say, how’d you feel about having a boy?

Danielle 7:31
Yeah, that if I’m completely honest, and I feel so bad saying it, especially because I love my son so much. I wouldn’t change him for the world.

Winter 7:41
Yeah of course!

Danielle 7:42
It was really hard for me to accept having a boy after Lydia died. I really, I think it was just kind of in my head. I don’t think I could fully take it all in. It was just really confusing and hard. It was only six months after my loss. And I was pregnant again. I’m still deeply grieving. Anxious and confused, like so much going on. And I’m yearning for Lydia. I also want another girl because Lydia was a girl, but I really want Lydia.

Winter 8:13
Yeah.

Danielle 8:14
But then it’s a boy. I was struggling with how to feel about that. On one hand, I was so grateful because it made the pregnancy more different.

Winter 8:22
Yes.

Winter 8:23
You know?

Winter 8:24
Yeah.

Danielle 8:24
This is making it– that made it a little bit easier. I feel like if it had been a girl I would have been even more terrified. If that’s even possible, though.

Winter 8:24
Yeah, yeah.

Danielle 8:34
I had a little bit of a hard time with that for a while. But ultimately, what was most important was just having a healthy living baby. So that pregnancy thankfully progressed, without any issues. Due to our stillbirth with Lydia, our team of doctors like I was seen by the OB and then the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist.

Winter 8:59
Oh, great! Okay.

Danielle 9:00
Yeah, they monitored me very closely throughout that pregnancy, especially in the third trimester, twice a week. Biophysical profiles and on stress tests. So I felt pretty good about that. I felt good at the time that I was there for my monitoring. In the time in between, I was like, is everything still okay? But I was very, very good about counting my kicks in that pregnancy.

Danielle 9:24
In that time, after Lydia died, I actually had become an ambassador for count the kicks. Which is a nonprofit organization that educates expectant mothers about the importance of monitoring your baby’s movements during the third trimester of pregnancy and why that’s so important. How a change in your normal baby, or in your baby’s normal movement pattern in the third trimester can signal a problem. So I found that organization and I became involved with that organization. So I was a count the kicks ambassador and pregnant after loss. So I was using my count the kicks app all the time. I was fully educated on the importance of it and how to do it.

Winter 10:10
I think that I just want everybody to know that is a really if you can– if you are an expectant mother, this is something that you really should get on your phone. It doesn’t take very long to do. I think it’s 10 minutes, or basically until you get 10 movements. Is that right?

Danielle 10:28
Yeah, yeah. So basically, there’s an app, count the kicks app. And yeah. Once you’re in the third trimester, you pick around the same time each day when your baby’s typically active, and you just track how long it takes for your baby to do 10 movements. Like kicks, punches, jabs, rolls, anything like movement, not actual hiccups, but like movements. And you track how long that takes. Over time, you’ll see a normal pattern for your baby. And if your baby, if their normal time to reach those 10 movements changes significantly. If it’s a lot slower than normal, or even if it’s a whole lot faster, those can be warning signs. Those are definitely reasons to contact your provider and get monitoring. I mean, chances are everything could be fine, but it’s definitely better to be safe than sorry. By counting kicks, and using that app, you’ll get a chart of how long it takes, you’ll have that quantifiable data to show your doctor and then you won’t be guessing. Like his baby slower today?

Winter 11:33
Yeah.

Danielle 11:34
You’ll have your record of it.

Winter 11:35
Yeah. It’s a really nice little app. Yeah, I used it with this last pregnancy and–

Danielle 11:41
Oh, good!

Winter 11:42
With our son Felix and I, that was one thing that was actually really surprising. That’s why I’m glad you said this. But I was expecting, oh, if he has decreased movement, that’s what it was in my head. But it could be increased movement, too.

Danielle 11:56
Right!

Winter 11:56
Because you mentioned during the birth story that Lydia was going crazy, probably the day that she maybe got a little bit more tangled up in the umbilical cord, or something. I’m not totally sure, but that has been kind of the pattern in some of our interviews. Where they, the mom, felt a lot more movement like crazy movement that is not normal for that baby and the time of the day. So that was surprising for me to learn that when I was counting kicks this go around.

Danielle 12:29
Right! Yeah, most people would not expect that. But it does seem to be kind of a common theme. A lot of the stillbirth stories I’ve heard. I definitely wonder about that. Wonder that about Lydia since that night before we found out she passed. She was going crazy. And I’m like, yeah, so that was when she got tangled up?

Winter 12:48
Yeah.

Danielle 12:50
But anyway, yeah, the app really doesn’t take long to do. I mean it’s gonna be different for every baby depending on how long it takes for them to get to 10 movements on average. I know with my son, Luke, and then with my other daughter, Laila, my second rainbow pregnancy, I was usually able to get my 10 movements in like five or six minutes.

Winter 13:07
Yeah.

Danielle 13:07
It’s not like you’ve got to sit down for an hour.

Winter 13:11
No. Yeah.

Danielle 13:13
At least not typically, I wouldn’t think.

Winter 13:16
Yeah. I think that’s really cool that you became an ambassador and searched out more information to help you. Did that feel like that was a little bit of semblance of control, or trying to figure out what happened after she passed away?

Danielle 13:30
Yeah, yeah. So after Lydia died once I was kind of settling in back home, I took some leave from work. I was in no state to return back to work. I just spent time googling stillbirth. And I’m like, how does this happen? Because I had no idea. Perfect pregnancies with healthy mothers can suddenly result in stillbirth. I was baffled.

Winter 13:57
Right.

Danielle 13:58
I was shocked when I saw 1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth. Anyway, through my research, I came across kick counting and somehow landed on the count the kicks.org page. I was reading about it and these five women in Iowa who have all lost babies, they started the organization together. Based on research that they had seen in Norway where the stillbirth rate decreased.

Winter 14:22
Yeah.

Danielle 14:22
So they brought it to the US. Then on the page I stumbled across, they were looking for volunteer ambassadors. So for me when Lydia died one thing that was so important for me and still is, is to continue to honor her in as many ways as I can carry her legacy on. That’s just something that is really, really big for me as her mom. This sounds scary to me to get involved in this, but this is a great way to honor Lydia and to help save babies because I don’t want this to happen to anybody else.

Winter 14:22
Yeah.

Danielle 14:59
I want everybody to know. I didn’t know. I truly, truly believe if I had been counting Lydia’s kicks, and knew that her movements were changing and her not moving that day was not normal. I could have gone to the hospital, possibly. I mean, I don’t know for sure, but she could have been saved. If I had gone in earlier Sunday was she still alive at that point? I don’t know.

Danielle 15:24
Anyway, I had reached out to that organization. They’re like, yeah, we’re looking for ambassadors. They were actually having a training in Iowa. Not long after that, like, six months after Lydia passed. I’d actually just found out I was pregnant with Luke, when I went. I traveled to Iowa, and went through the training to become an ambassador. I met these other ambassadors too. Most of them have lost babies themselves. Some have baby safe stories. I know we talked before about finding your tribe.

Winter 15:55
Yeah.

Danielle 15:55
I’m like, these people are my tribe. When you find other loss moms.

Winter 16:02
Yeah.

Danielle 16:03
You just connect so easily. It’s such a great support system. I just met all these women I never knew. It was just– I don’t know, I felt so supported being there. I knew I was in the right place and doing the right thing, so.

Winter 16:20
That’s cool.

Danielle 16:21
I was really glad to be involved in that. Then yeah, it was a big part of my pregnancy with Luke too, for sure.

Winter 16:27
Which is great. So when you went back, you took some time off from work right after? Did you take 12 weeks, or did you just end up kind of like, I’m gonna make sure Luke gets here okay or like hang out at home or whatever?

Danielle 16:43
Yeah. So after that, are you asking about after Lydia died? Or-

Winter 16:48
After Lydia died. Yeah.

Danielle 16:49
Yeah. After Lydia died. I took six weeks off of work. So-

Winter 16:53
Okay.

Danielle 16:53
I went back in December, I believe, or? I don’t know, like, right around the New Year.

Winter 16:59
Yeah.

Danielle 16:59
So I was already back at work before I even got pregnant with Luke.

Winter 17:04
How is that going back to where– did where people at work? Okay. Do they know?

Danielle 17:08
Well, yeah. So thankfully, I work with the most amazing people. They’re all super caring and supportive. I do work remotely. So I work from home, but I travel from time to time as well. Everyone was super supportive and told me if you need to take time in the middle of the day do it. Do what you need to do. So–

Winter 17:30
That’s great.

Danielle 17:30
That was helpful. Being able to work from home was helpful. At least I wasn’t having to be around people and lose it in the office. I could just walk down the hall and lose it privately.

Winter 17:41
Good.

Danielle 17:43
Yeah. So that, in a way, was good. But also I was just in my house all by myself every day. My quiet house, and it was kind of, I think it made me even more depressed. Just being there alone every day when I should have been having a baby.

Winter 18:01
Yeah.

Danielle 18:02
–To take care of. So it had its pros and cons. But yeah, I spent much of that time off just kind of researching and trying to actually, I should say, I was gonna say trying to understand what happened because I was doing that. But also, I had started blogging at the time. Writing letters to Lydia in a blog format. That was super helpful for me and my grief. There was a way for me to share about Lydia.

Danielle 18:31
I would share my blog on my Facebook page. I think it kind of opened a way for other people to not understand because nobody can understand fully without going through it. But I think it kind of helps people to know a little bit more about where I was at. And how I was feeling and that kind of thing. So the blog was helpful for me just writing. I felt so much better when I would write to her and felt so connected to her. But I also found it helpful to even share that.

Danielle 19:02
Everybody’s different. Some people are super private, and that’s totally okay. I wasn’t super private. I just, I thought it was helpful, because I felt people were really supportive of me, which I needed. I was hearing from people that I hadn’t heard from in years. People reaching out and offering their support. Our family was great, our siblings, parents and best friends. We had a lot of support. But I think through all of that as well, you also kind of noticed who’s not supporting you?

Winter 19:34
Oh, that’s interesting.

Danielle 19:35
You quickly figure that out as well.

Winter 19:37
Yeah.

Danielle 19:39
Overtime those people take more of a–

Winter 19:41
A backseat. It’s fine.

Danielle 19:43
A backseat in your life because they weren’t there when you really needed them.

Winter 19:47
Yeah.

Danielle 19:47
So I blogged a lot while I was off and the weather was really beautiful. During that time here in South Carolina it’s not really cold in the fall. It was just that nice cool beautiful pretty weather. So I would just– we had a hammock in the backyard and I would just lay there. And look up to the sky and think about Lydia and heaven. There would always be these yellow butterflies flying around. I don’t know. It’s just special. I’m like, oh, like tying everything to Lydia. Like Lydia’s up in heaven like dancing around. I don’t know the butterflies. Everything. Everything beautiful made me think of her.

Winter 20:02
That’s great.

Danielle 20:02
That’s how I spent my leave. I was just reflecting and crying.

Danielle 20:11
Yes, so much crying.

Danielle 20:36
Crying non stop. Feeling shocked and miserable, but also, really just trying. I don’t know, I feel like I noticed things a lot more after she died. I noticed the beauty and life too after she died. Just everything reminded me of her. Everything beautiful reminded me of her. So, that was kind of a nice part of it. If that’s even the right way to put it, anyway.

Winter 21:05
I know. It’s Yeah. Unfortunately, sometimes we need big things like this to happen for us to stop and notice stuff. Which is not the best way of putting it. But yeah, that’s kind of how I felt after Brandan passed away. Yeah, you just see things differently.

Danielle 21:20
Yes, for sure. Some things in a good way. And some things maybe not so much.

Winter 21:25
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Danielle 21:28
I know for me, and probably for you, too. It’s like there’s a before and after. I see pictures of me. I’m like that was before.

Winter 21:34
Yeah.

Danielle 21:35
Lydia died. I see pictures of me and that was like two different lives almost. Because your life just changes drastically. You’re so different.

Winter 21:44
Yeah, you’re so different after that. So you are six months after and you’re pregnant with Luke and you’re terrified.

Danielle 21:55
Yes.

Winter 21:56
So you guys went in quite a bit and got checked. It sounded like you had a great team that was really trying to take care of you and make sure you we’re good. How was his birth? Was that just something that was? It’s such a crazy experience, isn’t it?

Danielle 22:14
Yeah.

Winter 22:15
Birth after loss is like crazy.

Danielle 22:17
Yeah.

Danielle 22:19
Yeah, that was terrifying again. I was so scared, something was going to happen. They did induce me at 39 weeks. That was the earliest, they would induce me unless something else is significantly wrong. But they induced me at 39 weeks and everything went pretty smoothly.

Danielle 22:37
I do know when he first came out I felt like he didn’t cry right away. I was waiting. There was that second, and I was getting terrified. But then he just started screaming so loud.

Winter 22:48
And you’re like, Okay?

Danielle 22:51
He was an angry baby. He really was. He was so red. He was so mad when he was born. He did not want to get out of there. Like why are you taking me out of here? My husband says that the cord was around his neck. I didn’t see it.

Winter 23:10
Yeah.

Danielle 23:11
I guess they like unraveled it. So that was a little unnerving to hear. So I don’t know if that’s why it took him a second to cry or not. I mean, it wasn’t that long. It was long enough for somebody who’s been through loss to like–

Winter 23:24
Know, yeah.

Danielle 23:26
But he was healthy and everything went well. So yeah, it was just surreal to have a living, breathing baby in my arms. We saw so much of Lydia in him. That was really nice to see. We had her pictures there with us.

Winter 23:45
Oh, good.

Danielle 23:45
At the hospital and our Lydia bear.

Danielle 23:48
Yeah.

Danielle 23:48
Our weighted bear that Jonah’s cousin made for us. That weighs three pounds, eight ounces, like Lydia did. So, we felt like she was there with us. What’s really crazy is so Lydia was born on October 13th. Then Luke was born on December 13th.

Winter 24:07
Oh!

Danielle 24:07
So the same date. Then our rainbow baby after Luke, Laila. She was born on November 13th.

Winter 24:15
Whoa!

Danielle 24:16
Yeah. All of our 13th babies. I was like, this is like a sign from Lydia. I don’t know. I just always look for these little signs.

Winter 24:28
Me too! I totally do that too! Yes, yes, I think that’s cool!

Danielle 24:36
It’s really nice that they all kind of share that date in common. But yeah, I mean, bringing Luke home it was a wonderful thing. It was also really hard. It had only been just over a year since Lydia died and I was still like, I felt like being pregnant so soon after she died really made it hard for me to fully grieve. I was so distracted by my anxiety.

Winter 25:02
Yeah.

Danielle 25:02
You know?

Winter 25:03
Yes.

Danielle 25:04
So it’s like I hadn’t, I don’t know, it’s like a really great place to be honest to the outside world. You’re probably so happy you had this baby at home and I was, but I was really looking back. I know, I had postpartum depression, or even just depression and grief, with everything going on. I was in a really bad place for a while. I didn’t want to take anything. So I’m like, I’ll be fine. This is just grief. But looking back, I’m like, I should have probably tried to take something to help. I was just having a hard time but at the same time, Luke brought lots of joy to our life that we really needed.

Winter 25:47
Yeah.

Danielle 25:47
And gave us those sleepless nights that we so longed for with Lydia.

Winter 25:53
Right. Isn’t that funny?

Danielle 25:54
Yeah.

Winter 25:54
You long for those when you don’t have them?

Danielle 25:57
Yes, for sure.

Winter 25:59
We are experiencing the first three months of our parenting after loss.

Danielle 26:05
Yeah.

Winter 26:05
It really is. You are so excited. You’re so excited. You’re so happy and so joyful. But then yet there’s like, this layer of guilt too.

Danielle 26:13
Yes.

Winter 26:14
You’re just, like, how can I be so happy when I’m missing somebody in my little family. So yeah.

Danielle 26:22
Right! My family never feels complete. Then also just seeing the baby go through–

Winter 26:27
Yeah.

Danielle 26:28
–the milestones and things like that, that you never got to see.

Winter 26:31
Yeah.

Danielle 26:32
That was hard for us too. One reason we picked Luke as his name is that it means brings light. And I just think that’s so true for him. He brought, and still brings, so much light back into our lives that we really needed. We’ll always have our pain from Lydia not being here. But he has helped to heal. I always feel weird about seeing healed because like, to me healed is like when you’re completely better. And I’m like, we’ll never be completely better. But like, I feel like he’s brought a lot of healing.

Winter 27:02
Yeah.

Danielle 27:03
To our lives. And he’s an amazing boy, so.

Danielle 27:06
That’s great. After you lost Lydia, and you had become a count the kicks ambassador and you kind of found your tribe, found your people. Were you going to any other sort of grief support groups, any therapists, or anything too during that time?

Danielle 27:23
Yes, yes, I did try a couple of grief therapists and I did not have the best experiences. There was one I went to who I was talking about Lydia dying. Toward the end of the appointment, she gets out her wallet. And is like, oh, look at this picture of my new baby granddaughter. I’m like, did you not hear what I just talked about for the last hour. So that was just one experience. I don’t know, I just had a really hard time finding a good grief therapist at the time.

Danielle 27:55
I did have a really great support group. They have one down here through one of our hospitals in Charleston. I had gotten involved in that. That was super helpful. Again, being able to connect with other loss moms and dads, mostly moms, not a lot of dads really attended at the time. But that was very needed in my life at the time.

Danielle 28:16
So I always recommend support groups to other people who are going through loss. Some people like it, some people probably not so much. It was really helpful for me too. Not just to talk about all the grief and everything like that, but some of them were further out than me and had another baby. It was like glimmers of hope to see another loss parent.

Winter 28:40
Yeah.

Danielle 28:41
So that was really helpful. After Luke was born, I found another therapist who specialized in grief and talked to her. So that was like a year after Lydia died, but she was a lot more helpful than the prior.

Winter 28:55
You’ve got to shop around.

Danielle 28:56
Shop around for a while.

Winter 28:56
Yeah, I was gonna say you’ve got to try out those therapists and counselors.

Danielle 29:00
Yeah, for sure!

Winter 29:01
Not everybody’s a good match so.

Danielle 29:03
No, no. So now it’s been six and a half years. So I don’t do that support group as often anymore. I do try to hop in there sometimes. Just to connect, or offer support or advice. That’s how I met my friend Emily, who’s one of my best friends now. Who is also a loss mom.

Danielle 29:22
I feel like having those support groups is so vital because people understand what you’re feeling. You can have a deeper connection with them than you can with people who have not been through the experience.

Winter 29:35
Yeah.

Danielle 29:36
I also was in support groups on Facebook. They were stillbirth support groups that was my lifeline.

Winter 29:44
Yeah.

Danielle 29:45
That first year after Lydia died. I connected with two girls in particular who were my best friends. Like my best virtual friends. I’d never met them. They were in other states. One was Kim and one more Holly and we messaged each other every day after we connected. We had lost our babies at the same time. We understood what each other was going through. Then we also went through pregnancy after loss at the same time.

Winter 30:13
Really?

Danielle 30:14
Yes. So we would always be so terrified. It’s like, Oh, me too! We were like–

Winter 30:19
You’re in it together.

Danielle 30:22
I am so grateful for that. Like, I don’t talk to them as often as I used to. But they are always going to have a special place in my heart.

Winter 30:30
Yeah.

Danielle 30:31
I even got to meet one, one day. One lived in Canada, and she came down to Myrtle Beach. We got to meet.

Winter 30:35
Oh, that’s great.

Danielle 30:37
Hopefully, I’ll get to meet Kim one day too. She’s up in Massachusetts. New Hampshire not Massachusetts. But yeah.

Winter 30:44
One day that might should happen.

Danielle 30:47
I know!

Winter 30:48
Yeah, that’s cool. I know, I was gonna say there are– I feel like there’s a lot of resources. I think one of the silver linings of the pandemic is that a lot of these grief support groups are online. They’re all virtual nowadays.

Danielle 31:01
Yeah!

Winter 31:01
Right now. And it is– you can jump on to any of those. It seems like there’s a lot of resources, which is great.

Danielle 31:09
Yeah, for sure. I was so grateful to find it. I’ve just felt like I couldn’t survive without it. I needed people to talk to who could understand. So that was huge for me.

Winter 31:20
You mentioned Emily before. So Emily actually came on the podcast early on. So I will link to that in the show notes and in the description box, so that you can listen to that because you guys are in the same area. I think you guys met at one of the grief support groups, right?

Danielle 31:37
Yeah, yep. We met at the one through the hospital, actually, like a yoga instructor. I had taken yoga when I was pregnant with Luke, to try to help with my anxiety. Later Emily did yoga during pregnancy. So Emily went through it before she lost Margaret. So that yoga instructor reached out to me once Emily lost her baby. I’m pretty sure, I don’t remember if I had given the yoga instructor the grief group information to pass on to Emily or if she found it on her own. But regardless, she found the grief group and I ended up going to offer my support. Emily and I just started emailing and then that turned into texting. Now we text each other every day.

Winter 32:23
Yeah!

Danielle 32:25
She lost Margaret, almost two years ago, two years ago next month.

Danielle 32:29
Yeah.

Danielle 32:29
To stillbirth as well. They didn’t really have a conclusive reason, but she and I have really connected on that level.

Danielle 32:38
I appreciate those kinds of connections. You guys do the walk of remembrance for your hospital or your area, right?

Danielle 32:40
Yeah.

Winter 32:40
In October, usually.

Danielle 32:40
Yes. So shortly after Emily and I met, there used to be a walk of remembrance hosted by the hospital. Then they had to stop doing it. I guess they didn’t have anybody who was willing to, or who had the time or resources to continue. I was so sad. This is one of the only ways that we all get to come together each year and honor all of our babies.

Danielle 33:10
So I talked to Emily about it. I was like, I wonder if we could start looking at our own walk. She was so fresh in her grief, but she was like, yeah, let’s do it. She was willing to help me. So I was like, okay as long as I’m not doing it on my own. Let’s do this.

Danielle 33:24
So we started planning a walk of remembrance. We call it Walk of remembrance miles for Margaret, Lydia, and all babies gone too soon. We started that two years ago. We decided to do it also as a fundraiser for count the kicks.

Winter 33:37
Yeah. Which is great!

Danielle 33:39
Yeah, that organization is so important to us. So we’re like, we can honor all of our babies and we also raise money to help prevent stillbirth.

Danielle 33:47
We had a really successful turnout the first year and the second year was even more successful. Which is crazy, because that was during COVID and it was virtual. So we are planning to do that again this year. We don’t have a date yet. But, yeah we usually do it early fall. We like to do it in October because of pregnancy and infant loss Awareness Month. So it may be early October, however, I am pregnant again and due around that same time. Not a 100% Sure. Maybe September, or maybe the first weekend in October this year. We’ll definitely share the Facebook page and everything that people can follow.

Winter 34:26
Yeah, Yes, for sure.

Danielle 34:28
For updates. We do like an in person walk. We didn’t last year with COVID and I’m hoping we can do one this year. But we also always open it up to like anybody across the I mean anybody anywhere who wants to walk and honor their baby and put their baby’s name on the back of the shirt. Yeah, anywhere I can put Lydia’s name and like Sign me up. Yeah, we’d love to have anybody join us and help raise money for count the kicks with us as well.

Winter 34:52
Yeah, I will put links also for that in the show notes in the description box. Because I think it’s so cool what you guys have done. I just think that in general, like you said, anytime we get to talk and get together to talk about our babies it’s great. It’s a wonderful opportunity. Then what you’re doing for count the kicks, because I’m all about that too. I was like, oh, maybe I should become an ambassador for that, or something. Cause I’m all about it!

Danielle 35:17
I’ll recruite you.

Winter 35:20
Fine! Do it! Let’s do it!

Danielle 35:21
You’re in Utah, right?

Winter 35:22
Yes. I don’t think there’s anybody in Utah.

Winter 35:24
Yeah I don’t think they have anyone.

Winter 35:25
Oh, yeah, I don’t think so either.

Danielle 35:26
Signing you up!

Winter 35:27
My friend Lindsey, who we had on the podcast. Also, just became an ambassador for Idaho. So I’ve been paying attention to what she’s been posting. It’s kind of fun to see all that.

Winter 35:38
They are doing great work. So if you guys need a place to donate money or to We can we can save some of these little babies. So yeah, using that education.

Danielle 35:50
Exactly.

Winter 35:51
So I do have a couple of things that I’d like to ask you. I know that loss can be so taxing on a marriage, and other relationships in general, right.

Danielle 36:05
Yeah.

Winter 36:05
With friendships and other things. I’m wondering how you and Jonah have done with the loss? Like how is that? How has that been for you guys?

Danielle 36:14
Yeah, it was really hard. I mean, I don’t feel like or I guess I’m trying to think of how to answer it. I feel like we did get closer in a way afterward, just because we went through such a traumatic experience together. We were both just so devastated. So it’s like, in a way we drew closer to each other. But we also grieved very differently. My husband is a very hands on kind of guy like wanting to be in the garage and stuff. I know, after Lydia died he’s building shelves in the garage. It’s kind of like, that was how he–

Danielle 36:48
Oh!

Danielle 36:48
Like kind of working on things or things to keep him busy.

Danielle 36:54
I was more the one who just needed to sit and cry and stuff. But he was always and he still is always very supportive of me. He always wants to know if I’m having a hard time, or if I’m struggling. So he can be there to support me, which I appreciate. I will say I’m not the best at always letting him know. Sometimes I’m just very private about when I’m feeling down. I don’t like to share it. But he always wants to know, because he wants to be there for me. He’s always been super supportive of the count the kicks stuff I do. Like the walk and wanting to help and support me and honor Lydia in that way. So that’s been really nice.

Danielle 37:38
But yeah, I feel like we do grieve in different ways. But we’re very supportive of each other. And yeah, I guess that’s kind of how I put it. I mean, I feel like over time, I think I struggle with things more now than maybe he does like in terms of like maybe I have those like fresh grief moments more than he does at this point. But again, he’s still very supportive and wants to honor Lydia just like I do. So. That’s been really helpful.

Winter 38:07
Yeah, that is super helpful. And just even acknowledging that we’re different people, right. And that’s how, how he handles things and how you’ve handled things, or it’s just different. So it’s not wrong. It’s just different.

Danielle 38:20
Yeah, exactly.

Winter 38:22
Yeah. This is the part that I kind of enjoy actually quite a bit. I was gonna say, was there anything that anybody did or said to you, that really stuck out to you as being super helpful? That you appreciated? They said that or helps you kind of move through a part that was difficult during your grief?

Danielle 38:41
Yeah, there were people who just said I’m here for you and just showed up. Our small group that I talked about last episode, from church, they would just bring stuff over. Like food or just jump into help. Some neighbors did that as well without asking. Like, what do you need, but then another person that was super helpful for me was my best friend Nancy. She wouldn’t say the cliche things to try to make you feel better. She just always let me know that she’s there. She went above and beyond to help me honor Lydia and she still does.

Danielle 39:19
Lydia was due in December. We lost her in October. When Lydia’s due date approached, she completely surprised me. She reached out somehow to our family and friends and arranged so that people started sending us anything with angels on it.

Winter 39:36
Oh!

Danielle 39:36
With Lydia’s due date. Yeah, like I kept checking the mail. Every day we’d get a new like a willow tree Angel sculpture, or the most beautiful things. People were having their kids draw Angel bars, and it was just the sweetest thing and I’m so grateful. She did that. I’m so grateful for everybody who participated in that. I now have a whole Curio cabinet with angels that people have sent us back then on her due date. And over the years, just to show us that they were thinking of Lydia and thinking of us.

Danielle 40:15
So that’s really just been the most helpful, just her, or anybody like our family members or our close friends. Just saying I thought of Lydia today, or I saw this and it made me think of Lydia. That’s what’s most important for me is just knowing that she is remembered. She is important to other people, too. That her life, her legacy carries on that’s, that’s what’s been biggest for me and most helpful for me.

Winter 40:40
Yeah, just remember them. Yeah, remember them and say their name, say her name.

Danielle 40:46
Yeah, just say Lydia.

Winter 40:48
Yeah!

Danielle 40:49
I don’t know. I was at the doctor recently. They’re like, you know, in my new pregnancy, and they brought up something about Lydia. They’re like, I’m so sorry, I keep bringing this up. And it’s like–

Winter 40:58
No! don’t say sorry.

Danielle 41:00
Don’t be sorry. This is something that I think about all the time. So it’s not like you’re just suddenly reminding me of something. I am happy to talk about Lydia anytime you want. You know?

Winter 41:12
Yeah.

Danielle 41:12
It’s not.. They have such a different perspective.

Winter 41:15
Yeah. I think they’re just worried everybody’s always just a little bit worried that they’re going to say something wrong. And yeah, bring it all up again. And you’re just like, this is? Yeah, I’m living with this. This is who I am now. So yeah, for sure. And on the flip side, is there anything that you would recommend not saying? Yeah, maybe a loss mom or loss dad. And that can be when it’s still very fresh. And also, later, now that it’s been a little bit longer if there’s anything that you would recommend people not say? Yes, as time has passed on.

Danielle 41:47
I mean, that’s just this thing. Like people said to me early on, like, oh, like, I remember, I went to get a manicure with my mom. And I told the lady doing my nails. What happened? She’s like, Oh, well, something may have happened later that now she’s been saved from that. Maybe she would have gotten really sick. Like, what? Like, things like that. They’re trying to make it like, Oh, well, it’s a good thing that happened, because something worse could have happened. I don’t know. It was so bizarre and horrible. Just things like that really downplay it, or were other people. They’re trying to make themselves feel better. I think those things are not helpful.

Danielle 42:27
There was something else I was gonna mention. Oh, like, you can have another baby.

Winter 42:31
Oh, yeah.

Danielle 42:31
It is a common one. Yeah, I want to have another baby, but, and I do have Luke, and Lailay, and my rainbow babies and another one on the way. These babies are never going to replace Lydia. Lydia was her own person, just like Luke and Laila are their own people. So that’s just not helpful. It’s almost more of a stab in the heart than it is helpful.

Winter 42:58
Yeah.

Danielle 42:59
So things like that. I Try to be as understanding as possible when people say things like that, just like they’re trying to help. So I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But those things are not helpful. So yeah.

Winter 43:15
Yeah. You just did, like, okay, whatever. You just move on, right? Sometimes, like, yeah. should just say I’m sorry. That’s always good.

Unknown Speaker 43:24
Yeah. Yeah. Just say you’re sorry. And that you’re there or just show up and yeah, bring things and send things like and yeah, say the baby’s name or send something with the baby’s name on it. Those things are the most powerful for sure. Yeah,

Winter 43:40
exactly. Danielle, this has been so fun to talk to you and fun. I yeah, yeah, it has been fun. I know. It’s one of those things where we’re like, we’re talking about a really difficult topic. But it’s been really delightful talking to you, actually. And so nice talking to you, too. I really appreciate you coming on. And I actually wanted to ask you if you had any last little bit of advice, or anything that you would like to share with anybody about Lydia too.

Danielle 44:06
Yeah, I mean, in terms of advice, I would just say even though your babies are no longer physically here you can still keep them very active in your life. That’s something we’ve done in our family. Whether it’s including her in a picture with a Lydia bear, or doing things to honor her like the walk or raising money. I think we can still very much parent or babies even though they’re not with us, it’s just in a much different way and not in the way that we would like to but I just encourage other loss parents to find ways that work for them to do that. I mean, it may be something more private. Not everybody is open to different things, but find what works for you. Ways that you can continue to keep that baby’s spirit alive in your family.

Danielle 44:55
Then the other thing I would say is just try not to compare yourself too much to other parents. Which is something I’m still working on.

Winter 45:02
We all do.

Danielle 45:03
I’m connected with a lot of loss parents now through online and grief groups. Some of them are doing things all the time. I’m like, Oh, I’m not doing enough to honor my baby. So just know we’re all different. We all love our babies. Like you do you?

Winter 45:22
Yeah, yeah, you do you. You figure out what you’re doing

Danielle 45:25
Just because you’re one doing more than me. Or you feel like somebody is doing more than you or just try not to get too caught up on that. Do what works for you and your family. And yeah, what makes you feel connected to your baby.

Danielle 45:41
Then the thing I’d share about Lydia would just say that I’m just so grateful to be her mom. I wouldn’t trade it in the world for anything in the world. Even though she’s not with us, and I wish she was. I’m just so so grateful to be a mom to her. I really think she’s a special little girl and it’s just an honor to share her little legacy with other people. Yeah, I love my Lydia. My Lydia Jaelle.

Winter 46:08
I love it. Thank you so much, Danielle. Once again. Thank you so much.

Danielle 46:13
Thank you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: advice, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth

Angel Mom Miranda Gives Advice On What To Say (And NOT Say) To A Loss Mom | After George’s Stillbirth

February 17, 2022 by Winter

Mom Miranda talks about how the grief journey has looked like for her and her husband Graham, after she gave birth to her son George who was stillborn at 39 weeks due to growth restriction, during the COVID-19 pandemic. She shares how having a support network, that includes a grief midwife, a grief doula, therapist, and support groups, has helped her process her loss, and shares advice on what to say and what not to say to a mom who has lost a baby. She also talks about how she remembers George with tangible things like necklaces, tattoos, and his memorial bench along the river.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):


Time Stamps:

00:00 Welcome
01:34 Not going home after George was stillborn
06:50 Miranda’s sanctuary
11:43 Her new full-time job
20:22 Grief support groups
23:43 Running
30:33 Her husband Graham
35:43 Physical reminders of George
41:41 Things that were helpful and things that were NOT helpful

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen to Miranda‘s birth episode of son George: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Tiffany‘s birth episode of daughter Khyana’s: Click here

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  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.
George’s memorial bench along the river

Full Transcription:

Winter 0:00
Welcome, everybody, this is Still A Part of Us. It’s a place where moms and dads get to talk about their kids that have died either in stillbirth or an infant loss.

Winter 0:08
We are so grateful to be back here with Miranda, she told the story of her son George. We’re going to talk to her a little bit more today about some things that she’s experienced as she has grieved his loss.

Winter 0:19
Once again, I am Winter and I want to just do a really quick warning of that we are going to be talking about stillbirth today and it is full of triggers. So please just be healthy and be safe. If you need to not listen to this episode, please do not listen to this episode. We just want everybody to be safe. So and if you are joining us as a lost mom or lost dad, welcome, we’re sorry that you’re part of this club that nobody wants to be a part of. If you feel the desire to subscribe to help others find other stories then hit the subscribe button. We can help each other out and support each other.

Winter 0:54
So Miranda, thank you again, so much for coming on today. I really enjoyed hearing about George and your experience in the UK. As having lost him about 10 months ago, 11 months ago, right at the time of this recording?

Miranda Markham 0:55
Thank you so much for having me. It’s been good to talk about him.

Winter 1:14
Yeah. Good. I’m glad. Just for a little bit of context. So it was about 11 months ago. What happened to George, how far along were you when he passed away?

Miranda Markham 1:23
Yeah, so I found out that George had no heartbeat when I was 39 weeks and one day pregnant. So I was ready to meet him. We were in the homestretch. It was my very first day of maternity leave, when we got the devastating news that his heart had just unexpectedly stopped.

Winter 1:44
Yeah. Please go listen to her birth, the birth episode of George because I just can think of all these terrible things that were I mean, all these terrible things that happen to Miranda, but it was also compounded with the COVID pandemic, and all of those wonderful things that come along with it right, it’s worth it’s worth a listen. So if you can jump over there, please do.

Winter 2:07
So Miranda, I know that you mentioned before, in your other episode that after George passed away, you and your husband Graham, basically escaped a little bit, you guys didn’t go back to your flat in the UK, in London, and you just ended up going to, you stayed in a hotel for a few days. Then you were in Edinburgh for a couple months and you made a point to say that Graham basically took care of you.

Miranda Markham 2:32
That’s true. I sometimes joke that I became the infant. I was waking up at night crying. I needed to be fed my breakfast. Who told when to? When to have a nap. I was afraid of the dark. I really turned a bit child like myself, and he really did take care of me. I wouldn’t have, I wouldn’t have got out of bed, I wouldn’t have fed myself properly. I don’t know how long it would have been until I did. But he really, I mean, he saved me in a way. Not only did he make sure I took care of myself, but he did things and arranged things to make sure that we were taking care of our mental health and I think escaping was probably one of the best things we did.

Miranda Markham 3:19
Although it was lonely, there was a certain comfort in being anonymous, or we were and one of the things that we did. I don’t know if anyone who’s listening has been to Scotland or to Edinburgh, but it was summertime. So arguably the best time to be there. We just did beautiful walks in nature. We climbed mountains as my physical recovery started getting better. We picked big mountains to climb. Full day hikes and I think that everything else in your life feels like a complete failure. There was something really uplifting about doing something that felt like an accomplishment.

Winter 3:55
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 3:57
Honestly, if it wasn’t for Graham, finding those mountains to climb and finding the direction driving us there planning at all. There’s no way I would have done any of it and honestly, I owe him such gratitude for just not giving up on me during that time. He was the only thing that kept me going.

Winter 4:19
Yeah, it’s amazing, especially those out it’s just it’s so the pain is so acute in those early days and you just you really don’t know how to function. I just Yeah, I remember thinking like I was pretty proud of myself when we got out of bed and had something nutritious to eat like in the morning.

Miranda Markham 4:36
It really does feel like a big accomplishment.

Winter 4:39
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 4:40
Simply having a shower, I blow drying my hair, you’re putting on actual clothes. I really felt like wow really an accomplished person and you step back and think of that what I was doing prior to George was comical and suddenly felt like a big deal in my life but it was baby steps. To rebuild the tiny, tiny stuff.

Winter 5:03
Yeah, I really, because you do feel there’s just that. Yeah, that first bit of grief is just so intense. Just yeah, it just takes over. I think so. Then how did you guys came back? After those two months, you came back from Edinburgh? What? What was that transition? Going back to your flat? Did you have an entire nursery all put up? What did you guys do about that?

Miranda Markham 5:30
That was hard because I knew it was there lurking and the thing that we had to deal with on our return. We had very kind friends that asked if we wanted them to talk everything out for us while we were gone and take it away. It was really nice of them to offer. But it was something I really wanted to do myself, I felt quite passionate that I wanted to put away his things the way I wanted to put them away. Even though he had never seen them or interacted with any of the things they were very much in my mind George’s things.

Winter 6:04
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 6:05
I remember very early, we entertained selling some of them. I just thought Absolutely not. George didn’t get to use these, no one will.

Winter 6:11
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 6:12
So I decided we would get a nearby storage room. I would pack everything up in neat, tidy labeled boxes. We’d bring them to this nearby storage room where I could visit his things when I wanted, which I continue to do to this day. I didn’t know the sort of ceremony after his funeral, I just put everything away. I think I was really adamant that I didn’t want the door to his room to just be permanently shut and be this sort of awful place that no one ever went in anymore. It was really important to me to turn his room into something like a nice space where we’d want to go.

Miranda Markham 6:50
So I kind of tore apart our living room and that room. I rearranged all the furniture and I turned it into this sort of budget, I called it a bit of a sanctuary. I put a bookshelf and loads of plants. A little desk where my computer is now and I spend a great deal of time in that room. There’s a little area on top of the dresser, where his ashes are and some of his things that I think are quite special. I don’t know, I just sort of feel like I’m there with him. I bought this beautiful light. It’s kind of like a bonsai tree with sort of pearlescent bulbs on the end, and I turn it on at night because I just don’t like that the room is dark at night. Oh, I’d like there to be a bit of ambient light in there. It just feels like there’s a presence in there. It probably all sounds a bit unnecessary. But it just makes that room feel very sort of alive and special. Not the kind of terrible tomb that we just shut away forever.

Winter 7:46
Yeah, no, I think that’s actually a great idea, too. Because, yeah, it could feel very, so sad. It sounds like you’re trying to give it a little bit of a different take a reframing of what that room is in. And it sounds like you’re in your home office kind of also, where you work right now.

Miranda Markham 8:03
Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah. So I spend a great deal of time there. It has memory boxes there, behind me on all my calls, and tonight sort of feels like I can be there with him. I I know people might find that hard to imagine, but I don’t know, it makes me feel close to him. I can think of him while I’m in there and just feel like his presence is there somehow.

Winter 8:25
Yeah. It sounds very, like a calming place for you. As you’ve gotten a little bit farther out, how were those days looking like? Because I think by then you were maybe are, how long was your maternity leave? Like how long were you able to take? Still on maternity? Oh, awesome yay! Okay.

Miranda Markham 8:47
Yeah. So it’s Yes, unlike the United States, we very kindly got a year as a maximum. So take a year off. I think there was some conversation with my employer that maybe I’d like to come back sooner, obviously. But I think it was working in the world of PR, which is in client service. I just simply don’t have the energy or the enthusiasm for that kind of work right now. I hold myself to very high standards professionally. I know that I can’t be reliable. I wouldn’t do that to clients, or to my team.

Miranda Markham 9:23
So we’ve worked out a different arrangement where I’m now the editor of a fitness website. Which is much more part time in terms of hours. It’s something I do on my own terms of my own time. If I need to disappear for a day because it’s a bad day, I’m not letting anyone down. I think that works really well for me right now. Because I think while I’m worlds away from where I was last June, there are still good days and bad days. If I was having one of those bad days and we had a client that needed something, there is a 0% chance I could be there for them. For that reason, I’m still sort of hanging on to this not leave for as long as I can.

Winter 10:05
Yeah, you might as well. I mean if you have the opportunity, that’s great. Was that easy to? I guess being at home is, obviously you guys are home because of COVID. Then Also being on maternity leave that did that. Did that give you the lux– Well, I’m not saying the luxury, but did that give you the time to process everything that had happened? Because this is the one thing that I’ve learned is that stillbirth is this big, huge shock, because you’re like, everything’s going great. Then everything is not going great and you have to do all of these things. It’s just a whirlwind of things that are just sad, terribly, and horrible. Then all of a sudden, you stop and you’re done. You’re like, What just happened? I always felt like I was in shock. So I’m wondering, was that time good to sit and think. How did you– have you gone about trying to process that grief? What happened?

Miranda Markham 10:57
I think it’s a really, really good question. I’m really grateful for being able to have this time. I think at first it was really difficult, because I’m quite a high energy person. My job was a huge part of my life. Fitness and running was a big part of my life. I wrote a blog. I scarcely had any free time, I was always on the move doing something. Generally, I don’t deal with aimlessness very well. So to have just shut off, everything in my life that contributed to my identity was massively shocking. It just completely rocked your sense of self. It took me months to try to rebuild, the only thing I could think to do was to basically make self care my new full time job.

Miranda Markham 11:49
So I was broken, and I needed to fix myself. I needed to do everything I could to get myself in the best shape I could mentally and physically. I had the time. So I’ve been doing things like meditating. I might have squeezed in like a 10 minute morning meditation in the past, I can spend one hour doing a deep meditation now. I read books voraciously. I indulged in old hobbies that I’ve long forgotten. I just went on long walks. Anything I could, that just felt like it was good and soothing for the soul.

Miranda Markham 12:27
He sort of was able to do it unapologetically. Because there was nobody demanding my time anymore. It took me a long time to stop feeling like I was wasting my time, and started reframing that as this is what I need to do to get better. I guess on top of that, also, working with a therapist as well has been helpful, I think, started working with trauma therapists pretty much the week after George died, and I think that was extremely helpful. I know that therapy is not for everyone. But I think in managing extreme grief and shock, having an expert in your corner, at least for me, was extremely helpful.

Miranda Markham 13:04
I often maintain that everyone should have a therapist regardless of whether you think you have problems or not. I mean, I think it’s just from a self development perspective, I think it is really helpful. But in the course, in dealing with trauma, I think it has been particularly useful. So being able to schedule those calls in the middle of the afternoon without worrying about work obligations, I think, has also been really helpful in terms of my recovery.

Winter 13:28
Yeah, and you had a trauma therapist. That’s very, I wish everybody just has a counselor, a therapist, and this person actually specializes in trauma that’s so interesting. Is there anything that has been pivotal or kind of aha moment type things that your therapist has brought up or helped you with?

Miranda Markham 13:53
Yeah, so I think, also good questions. I think there’s lots of different types of therapy out there. I would encourage people to do research if they are looking for a therapist. I think the most common type is CBD. So cognitive behavioral therapy, which is a sort of a talking therapy, very useful. What my trauma therapist does specifically as a technique called EMDR.

Winter 14:14
Oh, yeah.

Miranda Markham 14:15
Which you may have heard of, yeah. Which sounds completely wonky. It’s basically rapid eye movements, while you recount traumatic experiences. Even saying that it sounds truly awful. I’m not going to pretend that it’s not painful. We usually start the session by talking about what the most painful memory is, and sort of getting sucked in with that.

Miranda Markham 14:38
It’s hard. It’s hard work. But I think perhaps like many people, I was extremely skeptical at first. I just thought this is completely bonkers, like, how can this work and especially how can it work through zoom? Or through video conference? Is it even going to be effective through a screen? It’s one of those things where scientifically even though there’s enough research to show that it works. Scientists aren’t really in agreement about why it works. Which is interesting to me, the theories around it. It has to do with the way that the mind processes information similar to rapid eye movement, sleep. But as far as this kind of therapy goes, it’s a bit inconclusive as to why it works. All they know is that it does work.

Miranda Markham 15:22
So I thought, I mean, I’ll give it a try. If it’s completely nonsense, then I will try something else. The very first session after I had, we processed George’s that, basically his death and then birth. It was the most exhausting second to the actual event itself, in terms of in terms of it being chaotic. I was so tired after I slept for like three hours after the call.

Miranda Markham 15:51
Then the next day, we were speaking to a bereavement doula, another person in my support network. She asked me to describe what had happened. This was many weeks following George’s death. I remember it was the first time that I was able to talk about what had happened without being a blubbering mess. I didn’t cry, I finally could, I could talk about it without sort of almost a bit of space from it, it was still very sad, very emotional. But it was like, there was just a bit of space between the events and how I felt. I remember thinking straight away, like, that’s really interesting. That, to me, seems like a direct result of the therapy we just did.

Winter 16:38
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 16:39
I think I’ve seen that trend over and over again, as we’ve worked together. Where things that feel really intensely emotional, whether it’s grief, or sadness or anger, they’re just so debilitating almost in their intensity, after our sessions. That feeling is still there. But it’s not quite as explosive or all consuming, though, I can sort of engage with it if I want to, or not, I sometimes describe it as it’s like, as if it’s in a glass box. I can see it and say sort of hello there anger, to shut the door if I want. But I can also open it and go be with it if I want to. It’s probably a really difficult thing to explain, I think. But if you’re open to it, and you have, you have the option to have a therapist who practices EMDR, I would highly recommend that for people who have suffered the shock of stillbirth for sure.

Winter 17:36
My husband Lee actually has done EMDR off of it. Another friend recommended it when she had experienced quite a traumatic experience in her life. He has found it extremely helpful as well. So I will second your recommendation there.

Miranda Markham 17:54
I’m glad I don’t sound like a crazy person.

Winter 17:56
He came back and he’s like, I am so tired. I remember him specifically. He would just be like I’m exhausted, because you just repeat things over and over again. Just to kind of that’s how he explained it to me. So it was interesting, but he felt like it was extremely, very, it was very good for him. So yeah, so I second that recommendation.

Miranda Markham 18:14
Good!

Winter 18:15
Did you so it sounds like you have a great little team that has helped you through all this. No, seriously like and I was like, I don’t think people realize that they need to kind of create a team to get past these. Such a traumatic event, I think. It sounds like you have a bereavement doula, up Abreu, you have your therapist, um, any other people that have have that seem to be a part of your, your quote unquote, team and because I would encourage people to create a team like that, I think that is a great way to put it is like you need help to get out of this, where you’re at right now.

Miranda Markham 18:54
I would agree 100% I know. I mean, even in the earliest days, if you had told me go find different elements of support. I would still be in a very much in a state of I’m a victim and everything was hopeless. It’s okay to be there for a little bit, but not forever. But as soon as I started taking a bit of control, I guess, or feeling like I needed to be able to sort of collect all these experts in my network to help me. I sort of created this little army of people to assist me, who all have different areas of expertise.

Miranda Markham 19:31
So you mentioned obviously the doula and my therapist. Another one was the bereavement midwife who was assigned to us at the hospital. I mean, we didn’t have a choice about who that was. So I think we maybe just got quite lucky because she’s turned out to be a huge source of support, even almost 11 months on, we’re still in touch. I don’t know if that’s ordinary for her or not, but she’s, she’s been amazing. Any question I have about quite literally anything. She is just an email. From Calaway, which has been nice to have a person like that in your life, I also investigated quite a few support groups or maybe lost, which, due to COVID, any of the in person support groups were canceled. So again, much like my therapy, I was skeptical to be digital version with VHS.

Winter 20:20
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 20:22
But I think I was pleasantly surprised to find it, at least in the early days, there’s a baby loss charity called sans, that held a monthly meeting on zoom, that I joined for the first couple of months after George’s death. They were hugely helpful, because I think they ‘re run by people, mostly women who have lost babies, but they’re many, many years on from that loss. Many have gone on to have at least one or several other children. The one woman who led most of the calls lost a baby something like 22 years ago. So I mean, she’s quite a long way on that journey.

Winter 20:59
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 21:00
I think I found speaking to those people extremely helpful, and hopeful. Because I think what I found with some of the online forums and Facebook pages is that it’s too many people who are in the midst of their own grief, people who have lost babies yesterday or a week ago, or a month ago, and it was just stories of tragedy after tragedy after tragedy. While there is some sort of camaraderie in that, and it’s an element where he sort of doesn’t feel as alone, it also feels your anxiety because it feels like this happens all the time.

Winter 21:35
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 21:37
It’s like, I suddenly know 1000 ways the baby can die. I thought this was a rare occurrence. It’s like, every possible disaster that could happen, has happened. I don’t think that those forums had anything to offer me because it’s not anyone supporting each other, if it’s everyone talking about their own grief.

Miranda Markham 21:54
So, for me, the best thing was the groups where people were much further on in that journey, and could talk to me from a more hopeful future place. In doing that, I eventually connected with one of the women from the charity who lives nearby who lost a baby boy in a similar situation to George, but eight years ago, and she’s gone on to have two boys since then. We’ve gone for walks. We talk on whatsapp. I asked him lots of questions about what did you do about this? When this happened, how did you react? I know, there’s no rulebook for how to deal with the death of your child, but I think to just have somebody who, when they say, I get it that they really sincerely do. To tell you what they did, I think is there’s been a huge source of comfort,

Winter 22:41
That is great. I have found that I’ve, we’ve gravitated towards the people that are a little farther out, especially at the very beginning, because you’re like, I just don’t think I’m going to be okay. And you look okay. It’s like, you look okay, okay, we might be able to do this. So

Miranda Markham 23:00
I think that was it. It’s like, you seem like a normal functioning.

Winter 23:03
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 23:03
You have two healthy kids. You’re so sad about your baby. I see that because I met this particular woman, the place where we decided to meet the first time was at her son’s Memorial tree. Oh, so we looked at it. She’s a runner. So she ran there. I ran there. Yeah, we met well, but I wish this was all very, felt very appropriate. I get quite tickled when people say comments to me, like, Oh, I know how you feel. It’s like you may have an idea of what grief is like, but you don’t have this particular feeling. Unless you are, of course, this woman who I’ve connected with who has very much been in my situation. Where she says stuff like that, I think you do actually know and I believe you. You’ve come out the other side and seem to be a functioning contributing member of society who actually appears happy. I find that quite helpful.

Winter 23:54
Yeah, yes, it is very hopeful. We need that at the very beginning. I think we need that. You have, you were a very big runner, a very big you’re in the fitness industry. It sounded like the running had kind of petered off for you for a while there.

Miranda Markham 24:14
It did. I think I have a very complicated relationship with exercise these days. When I was pregnant with George, I had a real chip on my shoulder. I think about not letting the pregnancy impact my very sort of rigid and high intensity fitness routine for as long as possible. I wasn’t determined to do anything unsafe, of course, but I was very adamant that I was going to continue being as fit and active as I could be. Maintaining that same level of activity for as long as I felt I could. I ran a half marathon when I was six weeks pregnant. I continued going to orange theory classes until I was shut down from COVID. But until I was 20 weeks pregnant in hindsight, I think those things were too much.

Miranda Markham 25:03
There is an element of me that believes that level of intensity, especially in the early days, contributed to George’s death. I know practically, that that’s not true. I’ve asked multiple medical professionals if excessive exercise can cause death, which was growth restriction. They all say no, that wouldn’t have been the cause at all. Even when I wanted to run that half marathon, I remember asking my GP if it was okay. The rule of thumb was essentially that if you were fit before, and you were training for this before you got pregnant and you feel okay, carry on.

Miranda Markham 25:39
But I think I know, in my heart, there were many, many times where I pushed it when I didn’t feel okay. Because I felt like I had a point to prove. So after everything, I think there was a period where I was almost sort of using exercise to punish myself a little bit like, forcing myself to try and get back into this fitness routine, both because I needed to get back to where I was as quickly as possible. But also, because my body was a reminder of loss. I think all through pregnancy, people tell you, and they certainly told me, that when you are pregnant, that all the changes to your body is worth it. That, yes, you might gain weight, and you’ll be a little softer. You might not be physically where you were, but it’ll all be worth it. I think that’s really only true if you get to take your baby home with you. Because when you don’t, your body is this reminder of how much it failed you and how it just kind of strategically let you down. I hated myself for it. I hated it. I hated looking at myself, every time I did, it was just a reminder of how I failed.

Miranda Markham 26:57
So I started exercising a lot to try and just get back to where I was. So I didn’t have to constantly remind myself, every time I looked in the mirror, I think I’m past that in a much healthier place now. But running is still hard for me. Because I mean, it’s a high intensity activity, and I just never kind of fell in love with it. Again, I’m not as possessed by it as I once was. It’s hard because it was such a big part of my identity. I ran because I was a runner. That’s who I was. When you don’t do that anymore, it’s really Who are you? So I’m reevaluating, I’m trying to find different ways of staying active, that are more about feeling good and feeling healthy. Then they are about beating myself in the gym. Which I think was perhaps maybe where I was bordering on before was just like it was always like, harder, faster, heavier. Otherwise, it wasn’t good enough, it was a waste of time. I think I really need to reframe that meaning is sometimes actually just like a walk outside is, is fine. Also exercise

Winter 28:06
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 28:06
You don’t need to be dripping in sweat and on the verge of vomiting for it to count. So it’s hard work. This is a hard area of my life. It probably sounds trivial to some people who might be listening to this compared to everything else. But it’s, I’m really working on my relationship with it.

Winter 28:24
Yeah, I understand where, where you’re coming from just because like, when you do feel like, well, there’s a couple things. What do you feel like your body has betrayed you. Taking care of your child. Right, like that, that in itself is one issue that I’ve dealt with myself. Then the other issues that there was the winter before and then there’s the winter after right? Like it’s the Miranda before and the Miranda after. It feels like now that you’re I feel like I’m a new person. Like I’m a different person. Something’s different about me because of this, this little event, that little big event that happened in my life. I’m just I don’t know, like, I always feel like, Can I go back to that person that was kind of innocent? Did all these things that you did, there’s like associations with that old self that sometimes are like, Oh, that’s that’s not who I am anymore. So just interesting. I,

Miranda Markham 29:23
I understand that I feel like I often now divide my life into before George and after. I look at photos sometimes of myself from several years ago, and I think I don’t even know that person.

Winter 29:37
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 29:37
Who is that? Sometimes that makes me really sad. I get quite nostalgic for that sort of easy ignorance. So I kind of lived my life with this very privileged life where I’ve never really experienced anything that bad and just assumed that I never would. It’s hard now to imagine a life where part of my life maybe doesn’t include the word runner. It includes the words of bereaved parents. That’s not really what I wanted to add to the list of words that describe me. But it’s part of my identity now. So it’s a work in progress.

Winter 30:16
Yeah,we all are works in progress. It’s, ah, yeah, it’s frustrating when you’re like, Oh, this is not what I planned it to be. Or this is not what I envisioned my life to be like, and so, but this happens. It is what it is. I know that. It sounds like Graham has been a huge support to you. I’m wondering if you saw a difference between how you guys grieved, the loss of George, in this last year?

Miranda Markham 30:46
Yeah, definitely. I think, Well, I mean, anyone that has been through this or done any research or looked up anything related to grief. I mean, I think it’s a very common understanding that men and women grieve very differently by first hand experience. So that is extremely true. I think in the early days, Graham basically fell into a kind of autopilot mode, he realized that I couldn’t handle basically anything. He took it on himself to manage all of the practicalities and the administrative stuff around George’s death. I often don’t realize that there are actually a lot of admins associated with the death of someone. You have to register the death with the council, and you’ve got to fill out all this paperwork.

Miranda Markham 31:37
On the more personal side there were loads of family members that had to be informed and communicated with and they knew not to contact me, because Graham told them not to, and also my phone was off for weeks.

Winter 31:50
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 31:51
But I think it was quite troubling for people to not be able to see or speak to me in those early days, or at least I’ve heard from others that they were quiet, because I just disappeared, they didn’t know how I was. So Graham took on the role of Chief communications officer he then managed every incoming communication from family and friends. Regardless of what the questions were.

Miranda Markham 32:14
It was a full time job, it was a lot of work. He shielded me from a lot of stuff. I mean, and terribly around the same time, many of our close friends were also expecting babies. He very carefully kind of managed the details around that. Making sure that I wouldn’t see anything or hear anything as much as he could. It still happened, of course, but trying his best, you’re trying to do it in the most sensitive way possible. I think when, when the bulk of that was done, which arguably took many, many months, I think it was only then that he started realizing that he hadn’t really actually processed anything around George’s death. He’s sort of. He had his nightmares, it was very unusual for him. His job was quite stressful at the time. He just was, he was a bit burnt out. But he’s a problem solver. He’s extremely resourceful. So I think he recognized that this was a problem. Also he is self aware enough to know that he needed something he needed help with some kind of. So he also found a therapist who he worked with. Certainly not as long as I’ve been, but for, I think six weeks or so sessions. I think he found that really useful.

Winter 33:34
That’s good.

Miranda Markham 33:36
I think in all of it, I think we just stayed really close in terms of communicating with each other, which I know is quite hard for some couples. Maybe if communication wasn’t the strong point in the relationship before. Throwing a crisis into the next doesn’t usually help.

Winter 33:51
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 33:52
So I’m very grateful that we were probably already decent communicators in the first place. I think that helps. He’s also just relentlessly optimistic. Like to a ridiculous point where sometimes I’m like, I just want you to say things suck. Agree for five seconds. He’s constantly looking on the bright side. Sometimes it’s infuriating. You feel like the world is just closing in on you. You just want somebody to just sit with you and just tell you like, Yes, it is. It is all bad. But like, most times, it was what I needed to hear. He never gave up on me. I think it would have been really easy to give up on me because I wasn’t a good version of myself for a long time. So he just had no he just kept he kept he just kept on being supportive and his amazingly optimistic self. He was always positive for our future, which I think helps both him and I both passionate about sort of self development as well. Encouraging us to do things together like meditate, or do self improvement. Normally in courses stuff that we could do together like that, where that was both good for him and good for me. So, if I could summarize it, it’s probably that his grieving process is very kind of practical. Very, or the problem that I resolved.

Winter 35:14
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 35:15
I think that’s very ordinary, or common, I should say, for men to assume that role. I think, from what I read, and what I hear it sounds like losses, men do that. But it does often mean that they don’t process their emotions. They do bubble up down the road. That may still happen. I think he’s very aware of that. That may still happen. But my hope is that if it does, I will be in a place where I can support him.

Winter 35:40
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 35:41
I owe him.

Winter 35:43
Yeah, we all owe our spouses big time. Yeah, exactly. He sounds like you guys sound like you have done very well, trying to stay close together and to support each other when the other person may not be at their best.

Miranda Markham 35:58
Yeah. I hope though, I think if there’s any silver lining, if anything, I think that it’s our relationship that has remained good. It’s certainly not been without its challenges. But sure, I know that in lots of situations where babies died, it often brings couples to the end of their relationship. That’s just another layer of tragedy on top of an already very trying situation. I’m very thankful that it wasn’t the case for us.

Winter 36:28
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 36:29
I sincerely don’t know how I could have managed if things went a different way.

Winter 36:34
Yeah. I want to jump over and just talk about anything that you do specifically to remember George, I know you have your office, that is kind of a space that you get to remember him and his remains are there as well. Are there any other physical things that you have that remind you of him, or you try to bring into your life so that you can, you’re reminded of him.

Miranda Markham 36:58
There are lots of things. I’m quite like a sentimental person, I like physical things to sort of look out or like touch and feel. In the absence of a lifetime of memories with a person, it’s really hard to do that for a baby that you didn’t get a chance to get to know. But one of the big things and I was very convinced by this very early on that I wanted it, we had a memorial bench installed on the river outside her house in London, which is, sort of kilometer long, maybe mile long River. I’d spend endless hours walking on that river when I was pregnant. I imagined one day walking on it with George and feeding ducks with him. Spending a sunny summer day sitting in the grass and having really fond memories and walking there. I always look at the memorial benches that are already there. I like reading them and thinking of the people that have died in my memory. I thought, well, we have to get a bunch for George because I think having him cremated means we don’t have a gravestone or somewhere to go and visit. So the bench now becomes a place for you where if I’m feeling like I want to go and be with him, I can sit on his bench and think of him. Maybe fortunately, or unfortunately, I picked what I perceive to be the best spot on the river for the bench. So the bench is almost always occupied. Oh, of course. Especially when it’s sunny. So every time I think I’m going to go sit on jargons it’s usually someone there, that also puts a smile on my face.

Winter 38:30
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 38:30
That means that somebody has read his name, and they’re thinking of him. Next year, I eventually also had a tree planted. Because I really liked the idea that he can’t grow big and strong, then the tree can for him. The Tree of the maple tree, which sort of a Canadian nod to his parents. It’s a sort of, I think it’s just a nice sort of thing every time I leave this button like, I can see it there.

Miranda Markham 38:58
People often said if you move away from London, will you be sad, but I just thought no, because I think it’s this thing that will stay there forever. Anyone that passes by will see this beautiful tree with a beautiful bench and they’ll read his name. They’ll think of him and in terms of keeping his memory alive. I think that’s felt very important to me. So it took a long time in many emails with the local council to get that sorted but it was finally installed in November of– Oh, wonderful. Not the best time in London for an outdoor bench. It was basically a mud pit for three months.

Winter 39:36
But it’s been done so I think that’s so that’s so sweet. I yeah, any other things you want to share.

Miranda Markham 39:44
A few other things I don’t know with any of my friends or family will listen to this. So that might come as a surprise to them. But both Graham and I got tattoos. Surprise. We didn’t tell anyone. I mean they’re not certainly a sort of crazy fullback tattoo. Mine is on my wrist, it’s the little lowercase letter G, where the tail leads up into a heart that looks like a balloon. Graham’s has the same as on an on forearm instead of his wrist. I don’t know, I just looked at it all the time. Sometimes the sleeve of my shirt just shows a little balloon poking out. Every time I look at it, it just makes me think of him. The little g was because well, we were sometimes referring to him as little G. Graham was the big G and George was

Winter 40:33
Oh, that’s so sweet.

Miranda Markham 40:36
It’s small and it’s subtle. For me, it was important, because I wanted something visible on my body that people might ask me about, because then it gives me a reason to talk about him.

Winter 40:47
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 40:48
Especially to people who may not have ever even known he existed. This was something we came up with in the days in early June following his death. We’re both very convinced that we would do this with St. Paul again, as soon as COVID allowed tattoo Pro. So we snuck in there in November, just.

Winter 41:08
Oh, yeah.

Miranda Markham 41:10
I mean, the tattoo is so simple. It took all of the gods 30 seconds to put on my body. I mean, for anyone that knows me, I was very not not opposed to tattoos, but I was very much the person that was never ever going to get one. I could never possibly think of anything important enough to put on my body forever. This seemed like the thing, the most

Winter 41:30
important enough there. So I want to look into his eyes. One of my favorite parts of this part of the interview is that I like to know what people have done and said that were so helpful to you that you’re like, if you’re going to say something to somebody that has lost a baby, then this is something that you might want to consider. Let’s just talk about some of those things that people did or said that felt extremely helpful for you.

Miranda Markham 42:01
Yeah, sure. I think I said this to friends and family at the beginning. One of the things they often said was what can we do? They wanted us to come up with the things that they could do to support us. That was really hard, because we had no idea. We didn’t have any idea for a long, long time. But I think the thing that helped the most was just to check in with us regularly. Instead of asking let me know what I can do to help you, the people that said things like, I’m going to call you on Tuesday next week and check in with you. Or let’s have a call every Thursday morning, and just chat. That was so I know, it sounds like the simplest thing on earth. But having someone else make the executive decision on that was helpful at a time where I was incapable of basically even feeding myself.

Miranda Markham 42:57
The other thing was that there was an appointment to keep me accountable for it was something to look forward to when everything else in my life had evaporated. Because the worst thing was feeling like everyone has forgotten about us. Or that they’ve sent their obligatory ‘ ‘I’m so sorry” message and disappeared. The people that stayed close and connected to us. Long after the initial days and weeks following George’s death were invaluable to me. They didn’t have to do much. I mean, I think there was this real sort of sense with people that they had to have to say the perfect thing or say something that takes away the pain. It’s a fool’s errand because it’s impossible. Yes, there was nothing that could have made me feel better. But the single best thing people did was just to, just to check in. When they asked how I was, I said I was terrible, to just be okay with listening to how terrible I really was. Do not try to sugarcoat it or make it sound better or look for a silver lining. Either No, try to just take away that pain, just to allow me to be sad. I think that was really nice. On a more practical note, I think some people sent food, which I think can be really nice. But I think I said this to you before, there’s like so many frozen lasagna as a girl. It was very helpful to have things kind of out there ready that you could make, especially in the early days when I couldn’t cook anything and I didn’t want obviously the lion’s share of the work to falter Graham. That was helpful. I would just say maybe check in with the rest of your friends and family. Make sure you’re not overloading the poor person.

I think the other thing was when people actually asked me about George. People were so afraid to talk about him. Even say his name and for the very brave friends and families that tried. I’m really thankful to them. Because one thing I think people don’t necessarily realize is that the mother of the baby that died still had a baby. I think there was a part of me that still really wanted to talk about him. Nobody asks you all the normal questions, they asked somebody when they had a baby. Nobody asked me what the birth was like, or why we picked the name we did. For the few people that did bravely venture into that territory, I will be forever thankful for them. I think for anyone listening, if you’re worried about asking those questions to a friend or family member that lost the baby, maybe to start by asking if it’s okay, if you ask a question. Some people said things like, Is it okay, if I asked you, about George? Or would you like to tell me about George’s birth? And I think being able to make that decision myself? And either say, yes, I do want to tell you about this or no, I don’t, was really helpful. It was certainly much more helpful than people just saying, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel. Good luck with your grief. I’ll talk to you when you’re better.

Winter 46:17
Right? Yeah.

Miranda Markham 46:20
I don’t mean to us, or I don’t mean to trivialize those sorts of messages, I think people, they were doing the best they could with the words they had available to them. I definitely don’t expect people to know the right thing to say, it is really hard. I wouldn’t have known the right thing to say to me either. In fact, I probably would have used a lot of those phrases, for lack of even any experience with grief myself before George’s death. But

Miranda Markham 46:47
I think if I can say anything that was helpful is to not be afraid to mention the baby’s name, and to allow the family to talk about that baby without being visibly uncomfortable or, or trying to shut it down. Because it’s too sad.

Winter 47:05
Yeah.We just want to talk about our kids. Right? I think that there’s a sense of pride in being able to say that I birthed that, you know, I gave birth My child, that is like a big deal. You’re right. People don’t ask about the details. I remember, a good friend of mine was dropping off some food after we lost our son. She’s like can I ask you a question? Can you tell me about the birth? I was like, Yeah I want to talk about that. Because it’s a big, in itself a big accomplishment to have given birth. That was your first time too?

Miranda Markham 47:39
Exactly, exactly. People don’t know if they should, because they’re so afraid of upsetting the grieving person. I get that I do. Because the worst thing someone would feel as if they just cause you more pain and upset you more. But I think I don’t want to speak for everyone. But I think for me, the thing that was most painful was feeling like I couldn’t talk about it.

Winter 48:02
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 48:02
I was having to pretend that George never existed because it was too uncomfortable for other people. That’s just another layer of just insult to injury with the loss of a baby is that not only are you grieving, and going through shock. Dealing with this tremendous tragedy, you feel like you have to do it alone, because it’s too horrifying for anyone else to engage with.

Winter 48:24
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 48:25
For those brave friends that allowed me to talk to them about something that was truly their worst nightmare. I will be very thankful to them forever. Because those moments were really important to me. For the ones that are just out to the normal questions about giving birth and having a baby. They didn’t make me feel like I was invalidated from being a mom. I think that’s really important.

Winter 48:50
Yeah, that is so so important. I want to bring up one thing that you mentioned, we’ve talked about your friend before, and she was the one that actually referred you to us. You said something about what she did. I want you to repeat it again. Because she because I think that it was really great. She did something that was kind of out of the ordinary, right? She found a podcast and said, Hey, I’m just trying to understand where you’re coming from. She did something that was a little different. I’m not saying like, join our community if you want to, but she did something that was just trying to understand what you’re experiencing. That is huge. I think.

Miranda Markham 49:32
I think I had a couple friends who I think displayed an extremely evolved level of emotional intelligence. That Sakina sort of realizes that they have no idea what I might be going through. In an effort to try and help me find podcasts like yours, or read books about baby loss. So that they were better equipped to have those conversations. I mean, that That, to me, is kind of the next level. level of grief support that I wouldn’t expect most people are capable of doing. But this particular friend found was basically looking for ways to understand something that she has no, no ability to understand or know, sort of anything in her life that was similar. For that reason, she was able to just so much more easily talk to me about things because she suddenly realized what was okay to ask and not ask. Just felt a bit empowered to be able to even talk to me at all. Her and her husband were hugely supportive in the early days. It was making sure that they mentioned George and remembered his milestones. Every second of the month by sending a message saying they were thinking of him and lighting a candle for him. I mean, people don’t have to do that. That’s above and beyond, but for the ones that did in the world to me.

Winter 50:53
Yeah. I think that, I just think, Oh, you’re so lucky to have good friends. You know, like, yeah,

Miranda Markham 51:00
It’s wonderful. Having I think it was, I mean, in the absence of also being able to see anyone in person because of the lockdown, which was seemingly endless. That was also a huge help, because I think it was very easy to be in Greece, to isolate yourself, and obviously very easy to isolate yourself in a lockdown. I think it’s quite easy to be forgotten, in the midst of everyone else struggling and suffering to a degree. It’s easy to get caught up in your own world as well. So for those that kind of put their own troubles aside, and remember to send me a text message or, took the time to listen to a podcast or read a book. I mean, I really, I can’t say enough about how much that meant to me. So people are listening and you have something you feel capable of doing. I really would encourage it as hard as it is, this is a hard topic. It’s heavy, it’s not easy. But if you can do that, and allow it to educate yourself to be better for your friends, or your family, they will notice.

Winter 52:04
Yes, they will notice. There’s so few people that do that above and beyond those things. On the flip side, are there some things that you would probably recommend not saying and or doing that were maybe that graded on you, or kind of made you mad or anything like that? Because those are the things that I think people want to try and avoid? Yeah, let’s hear that and anything that in particular that–

Miranda Markham 52:34
There are a few things and I think there I may offer subtle adjustments.

Winter 52:40
Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah we always like those.

Miranda Markham 52:42
I think it will help people. I mentioned this before, but I think one of the most common phrases that we heard, which was the sign off to virtually every text, message, and email that we received was, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. I hate that phrase. I know that phrase comes from a place of good. And please, if any friends and family are listening, and you said this, to me, this is not me saying you did the wrong thing. But I think it was impossible for me to ever let what you could do to help because I had no idea. Even if I had the capacity to come up with something, I already felt so vulnerable. The last thing I was going to do was to reach out to somebody and say, Please, can you do this for me? Right? I just simply wouldn’t have done it.

Miranda Markham 53:32
I think for the friends and family who instead just took the executive decision and said, Hey, I’m going to do this thing. You tell me if this is helpful or not exponentially more helpful. So even small things like I’m going to call you next Tuesday, or we’re going to send you a food bundle that’s going to arrive on this day. We’ve, I don’t know, booked you an appointment for something at this place. It doesn’t really matter what it is.

Miranda Markham 53:32
Obviously, it depends on the person that you’re speaking to. I mean, you would know your grieving person best, but I think allow them to tell you yes or no, instead of putting the onus on them to come up with the solution for you. Yes. That was hard for me, because it felt like sort of a throwaway comment where it was just like, Alright, well, I’ve put the offer out there. And if I don’t hear from them, I guess I don’t need to do anything now. I know a lot of situations that were lost I have heard from people.

Miranda Markham 54:27
Again, this is not to say that they’ve done the wrong thing. But I think for those that tried and just made an effort to come up with a solution was a lot more helpful in the early days. I think now I’m much better at saying what it is I want or don’t want. That’s only with the benefit of 11 months of even understanding my own triggers in my own my own heart really. So I think that’s one thing. Yes. The other one is a very sensitive one. But one of the things that happens really frequently and continues to happen is a lot of friends, or women in my network, shared stories of their own loss mostly earlier or early, maybe early or late miscarriages, or something like that.

Miranda Markham 55:20
On the one hand I know that people share those stories as a way to relate and kind of help me feel less alone. To show that they have some experience with loss in a way. But I think I would just caution people to be a bit careful about the way they share those stories with somebody who’s experienced a stillbirth. I might suggest instead that you ask if they want to hear about your story first, before you just unload your story on them. For example, say Would it be okay if I told you about my own baby loss story? Or would you like to hear about my experience with miscarriage? Because I think there was a time where I did want to hear those stories, and I was receptive to them. But there were also a lot of times, I definitely was not, and to be blindsided with those stories is just a message in your inbox, or a method of Facebook Messenger message from someone you hadn’t spoken to in many years. It was really, it’s tough, because then I feel like I need to then offer empathy and support when I don’t have a lot to give right now on that front. Equally, I don’t have any experience of miscarriage. So I don’t want to pretend like my situation is the same. Similar to the way I would hope that they wouldn’t necessarily think that theirs is the same.

Miranda Markham 56:36
Comments that really prickled me were when people had experienced an early miscarriage who said things like, I know exactly how you feel, or I’ve been there. I thought to myself, and being there it’ll hold is not the same thing at all. While there are elements of shared grief there, there are some similarities and that stories are our stories.

Miranda Markham 56:59
I often try to use the analogy sometimes with people that it’s like, it’s like telling someone in a wheelchair that you understand what it’s like to be paralyzed because you broke your leg once. Like, you might understand what it’s like to be inconvenienced by crutches but you most certainly don’t know what it’s like to be paralyzed. Maybe that’s a crude analogy, but I feel like it’s similar in a way and that any loss, of course, is tragic. There are similarities in the grief that accompany it. But I think I would just caution, women who have experienced a miscarriage to just tread a bit carefully when you share those stories with someone who’s had a late term loss, because the experiences are quite different.

Winter 57:41
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 57:42
So just to maybe ask for us if they want to hear that story.

Winter 57:45
Yes. Yeah. That’s a good way to do it. Just letting people know. Yeah.

Miranda Markham 57:52
Yeah. Sorry. I think that was all I wanted.

Winter 57:55
Okay, perfect. Any other? It sounds like keep going, let’s hear it was, here’s some more things that you would perceive.

Miranda Markham 58:04
I do know one other thing that the last thing was I think, I think phrases along the lines of this happened for a reason, or it was God’s will. Or you will realize down the road why this happened, or it’ll make you a better person or any comment that seemed to suggest that there was a reason why George died, some grand design by the universe really rattled me.

Winter 58:32
Yeah.

Miranda Markham 58:34
It rattled me because it made me feel like if I don’t change my life radically, or do something grand. Like I don’t know, devote my life to placenta research or open the wing of a hospital named after George. I’ve somehow missed the point of his death. I suddenly felt this enormous pressure to do something grand that if I wasn’t then I was messing this up somehow. This notion that there’s this God that this is a sort of doling out punishment like this is, is not a helpful thing to say. Even though that may be your belief, and that’s perfectly within your right to have it. I think those might be better, but are kept to yourself. There’s no doubt that having a stillbirth or any sort of loss changes you in a way. Lots of people’s lives do change quite dramatically as a result. But that’s a symptom. That’s an outcome. That wasn’t a strategy by the university.

Winter 59:34
Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Miranda Markham 59:36
So I think I would just basically eliminate those phrases, from anything to get rid of it.

Winter 59:46
They’re just not helpful. They are not helpful at all. They just kind of make you feel the lost parent makes you. They just feel worse. Yeah. It’s just a lot of pressure.

Miranda Markham 59:58
I know that again, I do just want to say that I know that all of these things come from a place of good. Anyone that said things like this to me, I never, I didn’t get mad. I’m not mad. I just think they’re in hindsight. And with the benefit of experience and time to reflect on this, there are different things that would have been more helpful. So I think if this helps someone say better things, to someone who is grieving in the future, that makes me feel like George’s life hadn’t had impact.

Winter 1:00:31
Yeah, exactly. Thank you so much, Miranda, this has been such an enlightening conversation. I would like to ask you, though, one last thing, is there anything? Any last bit of advice that you would want to give to loss moms, loss dads, and maybe those who are supporting them or helping them?

Miranda Markham 1:00:53
I think for those that are supporting them, I think one thing I’d just like to leave people with is to just, if you can try to get a bit comfortable with sadness. I know that sounds weird. But we have the sort of cultural notion that sadness is bad, and that we have to make it go away. If there’s a sad person, we have to get away because it’s contagious, or something. But all that really does is make the grieving person feel more lonely.Like you have to just grieve in silence. All of these things happen in your mind while you’re alone. You feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it.

Miranda Markham 1:01:34
Then there’s a period of time that goes by where we’ve decided that’s the prerequisite time in which a grieving person can be grieving. But after that, we then close the door on that, and you’re normal, and you’re fine. And we never speak of it again. Honestly, I think that it will be damaging ways to treat grief. As a society, as a human race, we have to get better at this because everyone is going to experience some kind of loss in their life. No, it’s not going to be the loss of a baby. But a parent or grandparent or close friends.

Miranda Markham 1:02:08
There are similarities. I agree broadly how to say we are terrible at supporting people. So I don’t think you need to say the right thing, or be obsessed about saying the right thing. You didn’t even really need to say anything. I think it’s best to be okay. Being a sad person, and just allowing them to be sad in your presence, and not shy away from that. The way that we so routinely do because it’s uncomfortable. Because that’s the best thing you can do is to really just sit in sadness with them.

Winter 1:02:45
It’s so comforting. Yeah, when somebody is okay, just being there with you.

Miranda Markham 1:02:48
Yeah. I mean, for parents I don’t know that I have any nuggets of wisdom, necessarily. I still feel like I’m early in this journey myself. But I think the thing that everyone tells you in the beginning is that, even though it doesn’t feel possible, things will get better. I know that if you’re listening to this and you’re at the early stages, you probably don’t believe that. Maybe you do, but you think it’s an impossibly long future, or time ahead.

Miranda Markham 1:03:18
But it is true time does help. It never goes away. I think that maybe the thing is that you can’t get over grief. Or even get through it. I think you just find ways to live alongside it. Maybe that’s a grim prospect. But my hope is that I can think of George and remember him without that searing pain that accompanies so much of this. His life had a major impact. It’s not just on me, but people who know us and know of him. Simply keep his memory alive and that feels important.

Winter 1:04:03
Thank you so much, Miranda. It was so good to hear from you and to hear your words of advice because they were helpful to me too. But thank you so much.

Miranda Markham 1:04:14
You’re very welcome. Thank you so much for having me.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: advice, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: stillbirth

Mom Jess Talks About The Aftermath of Her Daughter’s Death of Fetal Hydrops

February 11, 2022 by Winter

Mom Jess is interviewed about the time after her daughter, Addelyn was born at 30 weeks and died shortly later due to a severe case of fetal hydrops, and what she did to heal, what helped (and didn’t help), and what she and her husband Patrick did for baby Addy’s memorial service.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):


Time Stamps:

00:00 Welcome
02:47 Grief shortly after Addy’s death
06:54 At work
12:11 Transitioning to a new home
15:44 Her sister
18:55 Memorial Service
25:51 What has helped
28:37 How Patrick and her relationship has worked
35:17 What not to say

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen to Jess’s birth episode of daughter Addelyn: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Tiffany‘s birth episode of daughter Khyana’s: Click here

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  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
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Baby Addy’s feet

Full Transcription:

Winter 0:00
Welcome, welcome, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us here at Still A Part of Us. We are so grateful, grateful grateful to have Jess here with us to talk about her sweet Addy. This is a place where we talk about infant loss and stillbirth. So please be warned that we are going to be talking about a lot of things that could be possibly triggering. So keep yourself healthy and happy, Make sure that if you shouldn’t be listening to this, don’t listen to it.

Winter 0:27
Once again, thank you so much Jess for being on with us today. I so enjoyed hearing Addy’s story. You’re gonna cry people I’m just saying. I would recommend listening to that episode. It was beautiful. It was so hard to listen to you. But it was so good to hear about it. So welcome again, Jess. We are so happy to have you here today.

Jess Hennessey 0:49
Yeah, I’m so happy to be here.

Winter 0:51
For everybody that is joining us just on this episode of we’d love to– can you give me a little bit of a recap? Tell me who Addy was and when she was born and how long ago she was born and passed away?

Jess Hennessey 1:03
Absolutely. So my daughter, her name is Addelyn Renee, so we lovingly call her Addy. She was born October 8 of 2020 and passed away October 10 of 2020. As of this date that we’re recording this, it’s actually been six months to the day that she passed. So we’re bringing more value and remembrance to her life today by talking about her.

Jess Hennessey 1:27
She passed away from a couple of very rare conditions, late term pregnancy conditions that were not detected. She passed away when I was 30 weeks and three days pregnant. After giving birth, she had pretty severe hydrops non immune hydrops. As well as kind of figuring it out after she was born. She also had a pretty significant left heart defect in her chamber called hypoplastic left heart syndrome, as well as underdeveloped lungs that were not detected earlier in pregnancy. She was alive for 26 precious hours, and she passed away in our arms.

Winter 2:06
It’s quite the story. So I once again encourage you all to listen to that. It was that it was just wow, it was just powerful. So thank you so much for sharing that. So it’s been six months. That is still very fresh. All this sadness and grief. I’m wondering how that has been for you since Addy passed away. Because I know that you mentioned on the other episode that there was some anxiety and there was some anger. But yeah, tell me a little bit about how the first little bit was and how it’s been today.

Jess Hennessey 2:47
Yeah, six months. It feels like a lifetime ago and it feels like it’s just yesterday. I feel like I’m in that really interesting transitional phase that six months. Very early on, after she passed I would say I experienced a myriad of different feelings without any control over the feelings. So very acute sadness and very strong anxiety. Then also a lot of anger that came, and it came in waves, it manifested in a lot of different ways for me, right? So my anxiety would come almost irrationally in my mind and it would take me to a really deep dark place that I would never even think of. This was my fault she passed away, it was my fault. Or if I had not done that one thing and then having a lot of anxiety and the physical parts in anxiety which I’ve never experienced. So, not being able to breathe properly in my body. Just kind of breathing which is not good when you’re trying to function and have work and life and jobs.

Jess Hennessey 3:47
Then I would say that those feelings specifically the anger has, slowly I’ve been able to control it moreover the last six months. I’ve been able to feel like all of this is coming on. I need to remove myself from a situation or, almost I’m getting to the point now where I can tell myself, I want to feel these things, but I can’t do it right now. Right? Whether I’m in a conversation at work, or I’m on the phone with somebody who and they’re sharing something happy with me. I’m like, I just need to tone it down for a second. But those same feelings are very much there. I still specifically have a lot of anger that comes out often. It just is. The anger just is and I don’t know if it’ll ever go away, but it’s getting more of a control over it. At appropriate times and healthier ways to release that.

Winter 4:37
Yeah.

Jess Hennessey 4:37
Not just lashing out at people, or playing the blame game specifically with myself because I did that a lot. I was incredibly hard on myself. I still am, but yeah. So that’s how I’m feeling I would say today. It’s progressively getting better, but it’s never gonna go away.

Winter 4:54
Yeah, it doesn’t.

Jess Hennessey 4:57
You learn to live with it.

Winter 4:58
Yeah, you do. It just makes you kind of a new person. Yeah, I like the way you put it, though. You just said, I kind of have gotten to the point where you’re like, Okay, this is not the appropriate time for this feeling. I will acknowledge it at some point in time, but not right now, because I’m in the middle of doing this thing at work or whatever. So I kind of like that, because sometimes you do have to kind of figure out how to put them in check, but then also acknowledge them. Because when you don’t acknowledge them that that causes the problems, I think.

Jess Hennessey 5:30
I think the other feeling I’m having a lot is, which, at first, I think shortly after her passing, it didn’t hit me as hard. I know it was there, but missing her. Just missing her in all senses of the forms. Missing the what-ifs could have should have. Missing her physically. I mean, for me, I felt like my pregnancy was very much ripped from me. So I didn’t have an opportunity. Not in a sense, at least in my mind, that’s how it felt. So I didn’t get that closure of even being pregnant. So at times, I still just miss being pregnant. So all those missing her and that whole experience is still also really, I would say very prevalent right now.

Winter 6:11
Yeah.

Jess Hennessey 6:11
Six months post.

Winter 6:12
Yeah. Well, I was gonna say you were, I mean, you gave birth to her at week 30 weeks. 30 weeks and three days, I think if I’m not mistaken. So I mean, that’s a good 10 weeks right there that you were missing out on that time. To have a big belly and just enjoy that, that is kind of a nice time. You were a pregnancy unicorn. So of course, you would have enjoyed it. So you mentioned something that I want to bring up. So after you had Addy, were you able to because you are working, you had just graduated with your master’s degree? Were you able to take some time off from work? How did that look for you?

Jess Hennessey 6:54
So I took three weeks off to work, which sounds like not yet not a lot of time. It wasn’t, I had every opportunity to take much more time off. I am an HR manager. So I knew I had all these different protected rights and there was state disability available. For me in my mental state, we were still very much in the midst of COVID. So I was able to work remotely. So I needed to feel normal, I needed for my mental health to have something to get up every day and to feel like I’ve accomplished something, and I’m still me. I’m still this person without Addy, even though she’s obviously changed every part of me, but I still have to just feel normal.

Jess Hennessey 7:39
So I actually chose to go back to work three weeks after and it was very minor work. It was not like a full scope job. My company at the time was incredibly gracious and allowed me to take on things as I felt. I didn’t speak to anybody. So I did a lot of work where it was, dealing with data or doing payroll, so still being an HR function, but not directly in the sight of people. They literally did not have very much communication about me. All of a sudden I was there and then I was gone. So not a lot of people knew about what had happened. They wanted to be really gentle with that, that communication. So I went back two or three weeks post her passing away in a remote function. Then I think after five weeks, I started going back into the office. That was right when things kind of ended in 2020. I would do a little bit going in person and seeing people about five weeks after but yeah, three weeks was when I started to go back to work.

Winter 8:37
Wow. Did people know at work that you were pregnant?

Jess Hennessey 8:43
Yes. I was the HR manager. So I was a very big part of the organization. I had a lot of visibility on a lot of different team members across the organization. Even during COVID I mean, I had planned the day when she was born and I had had my OB appointment. Then things kind of happened the way that they did. I was dressed up and I was ready to go to the office. So yeah, actually, I was on the phone with a manager saying, Hey, I’ll be in the office in 30 minutes, let me just get my quick appointment done and get to Starbucks. I’ll be there. So people were very much aware of my pregnancy and I was getting very big at that time. So people knew when she was due and everything. Yep.

Winter 9:22
Yeah. How did that go like when you did come back? Because I just remember some of the experiences I had when I came back and thankfully my manager was so good about spreading information, and just letting people know what had happened. So people were so gentle with me, which I was so grateful for.

Jess Hennessey 9:43
I think some of the communication came directly from me. So I had the other interesting part of me returning to work is I actually the day before she was born, notified my executive team that I was leaving the company we had bought a house in a different state. I basically gave them a four month resignation notice and said after she’s born, I just don’t plan to come back. So let’s plan for training my replacement. So, I think some of that communication came directly from me. I think some of it was just hearsay. I never truly stated exactly what happened. Besides that I was pregnant. She was very sick. Now she’s not here anymore.

Winter 10:28
Yeah.

Jess Hennessey 10:29
I can’t wait to share some of this with them. Because I think all of them truly care about me and have the best intentions. They were so gracious to me at that time. I want them to hear the story now, so they can hopefully get to and then partake, because I’m still very close to a lot of them. So yeah. I just kind of wanted to put myself back to work and focus on work, and focus on feeling any type of normalcy that I could grasp. Because it was such a non normal situation.

Winter 10:57
Yeah, that routine really helps to kind of reset some stuff. Because Oh, you can sit and wallow. You could easily sit and wallow for a while, and it is not a good place to be so.

Jess Hennessey 11:13
Well I think it was kind of strategic for me and my husband. My husband and I. Because we were very fortunate that we partly I think because I work in HR, and I know how the laws are applied. We were moving in a couple months, right? We both gave notices, we had planned to have her and now she wasn’t here. But we still had a house that we bought. We had a new life that we were going to start because of her that was due because of her. So we ended up going back to work so quickly as well, because we wanted to bank up that state leave.

Winter 11:44
Yeah.

Jess Hennessey 11:44
Once we moved to our new home in California, and we did. We both got multiple months off to just finally breathe, and we got it paid through the State. It was all medically certified. So part of us also, I felt like let’s get back to work. Let’s finish out this chapter with our dignity and our heads held high. Then we will come to California in our new home and continue to feel those feelings and grieve. We got to have that time.

Winter 12:11
Wow, that is so lucky. I just like yeah, that was great that you’re able to do that. I mean, once again, just to have a little routine, but then also to kind of plan being able to spend that time together. I think that’s great. Oh, that’s really good. Okay, so now that you guys are in your new home then. How has that been? I was gonna say that probably was a little bit of a reset too. Because there’s trauma, right? The trauma that was kind of associated with a different area, and then coming to California, and being in a completely different area. Starting a new I guess. How’s that felt?

Jess Hennessey 12:53
No, it’s one of the things that you and I spoke about a lot in the birth story. There were these little moments of things that are not so crappy. In a really crappy situation. Having a house that we already had bought. We were just waiting to close. I mean, it felt like this new chapter and this new life. We were able to not start over start fresh, necessarily, because of what had happened, but we got to basically rework some of those. Trying to come up with, we’re trying to, I guess, in our mind, gain a little bit of control about the next chapter and what that looks like. If that makes sense. So, we’re going to be able to start new jobs. Where necessarily, I could look, that gives me a lot of anxiety, because I now have to start over and that’s okay. But also I get to start over. No one really knows some of the history and some of that sadness. They didn’t have to live that through with me.

Jess Hennessey 13:52
So that’s kind of a nice starting point. We were able to get our puppy and that was a nice kind of starting point to have something to pour into love. Yeah, it has been really refreshing. We’re so close to my family. I live a mile from my sister who was incredibly important through all of Addy’s birth and one of my best friends, and she’s having her first baby. So I’m feeling like it’s all just really good stuff. It’s the good and it’s not a really crappy situation.

Winter 14:20
Yeah, yeah. That’s a great way of putting it.

Jess Hennessey 14:24
Yes, it’s been great. It’s been really great for my mental health. Because I am able to, especially the first month I was able to pour myself into unpacking. It was very difficult. I think we brought all Addy’s things with us. So we have this beautiful nursery that’s completely not unpacked and still boxed up. But I love going in there. I love just being able to sit on the floor and say, I’m gonna use this someday. And all of her things are there and I can’t wait to see how that looks. We bought this house to build a family and that’s going to happen, it’s just not today. So I think that first month was very therapeutic to have unpacking and putting things in their place saying, this is how it is today. I can’t wait to see the day where it gets to change. We expected to have a newborn in this house, but we will someday again, God willing so.

Winter 15:12
Yeah, yeah. That is so interesting. That is kind of how it happened. Like, yeah, maybe some blessings there. You did mention that your sister is pregnant. When I had heard that, that actually brought up some things for me because for a while there I did not want to go to any baby showers. Like, I’ll send a gift, but I’m not going to go to a baby shower. Do you know what I’m saying? So I’m wondering how I mean, cause I know you and your sister are so close? How is that playing out for you?

Jess Hennessey 15:45
My sister specifically and others– I have a lot of incredible family members who just had babies, or they’re currently pregnant. It was a very interesting feeling of being so incredibly happy for them. So much joy in and you’re living through that with them. While also feeling complete devastation, and sadness and heartbreak for yourself. That is a balance that I’m really feeling absolutely the last six months. I think I feel it the most with my sister.

Jess Hennessey 16:14
I had a co-worker who actually was a week behind me and my pregnancy, and she had a daughter. Her daughter is perfectly healthy. She’s here. That was a really difficult milestone. One of my other family members, my aunt, who had her first baby, and she was 12 weeks behind Addy. She also had a daughter, and she’s perfectly healthy. I have so much joy to give to them. Because I love being pregnant. I love pregnancy. It’s incredible. Also feeling so sad.

Jess Hennessey 16:14
I think my sister and I luckily, we’re very open with each other. Very communicative. There’s been points in the last few– She’s 20 weeks, actually, as of last Wednesday, and she’s having a little boy. There were parts where I would say I don’t feel connected to you. That was absolutely because I was not wanting to open up, or tell her how I was feeling either. So yeah, it’s been a really interesting balance. But being able to identify it and being able to say let’s work through it. I think it has been key for me, because they also want to talk about it with me, right? It’s not like she just disappeared either. She’s part of now their story and their babies stories. They’ll know about it, too. It’s been a really interesting balancing act, especially with my sister. But luckily, we are very close. We talk about things. She wants to talk about Addy still, and she was very much part of her birth story.

Winter 17:32
Oh yeah, she was so present. I just love the fact that she was able to be there in times when you were physically not able to be there. So I think that’s really good. Just kind of keeping that communication open. Then yeah, acknowledging that. It’s not going to be easy to be totally happy about things. But I love that you are, you have such great love to give to those other families. Those other little babies that have come along, or will come along.

Jess Hennessey 18:03
I feel like I have more love to give because I’m trying to provide more value to Addy’s life through loving others. I think that’s a perfect way of putting it.

Winter 18:11
Yeah, I love it.

Jess Hennessey 18:15
Yes.

Winter 18:15
That’s so great. So, tell me what have you done? I know that this is actually kind of a thing that people look forward to listening to or hearing about. I’m so excited that we have a videos portion now. Are there things that you have done that you have physically, like in any jewelry or momentos? Or stuffed animals or anything that you have to help you remember Addy? I mean, it’s not like you’re gonna forget Addy. But A lot of these things kind of show up and they help. I think having something physical helps. So tell me if there’s been anything that you, or Patrick have used to kind of have Addy around.

Jess Hennessey 18:55
Yeah, absolutely. Well, and one thing too, that we’ll touch on is her memorial service, because that has a lot of physical things to tie to that specifically. Just things that I have around me at all times. So I have a teddy bear that my sister gave to me. Actually it sparked a good friend of mine who was one of my guardian angels through this process. She’s lost a few early miscarriage babies and it’s awful. She told me one day, we also work together. I told her I’m like, I’m not sleeping anymore, partly anxiety and trauma and all these things. Very normal! She said you also miss her. It’s almost like you need something to cuddle. You miss her presence and my sister went and found this amazing company who has teddy bears. They actually make them the length and the weight of the baby who passed away. So this is my little Addy bear. My Addy bear weighs five pounds one ounce, which is what her weight was and the bear is also 15 inches long, which is how long she was.

Winter 19:57
That is cool.

Jess Hennessey 19:58
So this has been a huge Support for me, I cuddle it often, it brings me just a lot of joy. Sometimes it’s difficult. Sometimes I definitely cry my eyes out. I’m like, give me my teddy bear because I get angry. It’s been a vessel of just helpfulness for me.

Jess Hennessey 20:15
Then I also have some necklaces. I try to wear one piece of jewelry that reminds me of her every day. Currently, because it feels like some of my strength a little bit like in one of the pieces might take away. We’ll talk about it further. But it’s just like it’s, it’s empowering to go through the absolute worst possible thing you can imagine in your life and being on the other side. She’s a vessel for that. So I have a necklace on right now that says her name Addelyn Renee. Then I have a couple of other necklaces and some earrings that my family members have gifted me. With her birthstone, or somebody, a dear friend of ours gave me a balloon, which is part of her memorial service. So it’s a necklace with a balloon on it. Those are things I tried to wear at least a piece a day. So that when I feel that anxiety, or those feelings that are really difficult to overcome, I’m able to hopefully use that as a weapon of strength in my mind at least without words.

Winter 21:11
I love that! A weapon of strength. Yeah, because some days are just like, I just can’t, I cannot. I think that’s so cool. Yeah, I know I was like, yeah, I like that a lot.

Jess Hennessey 21:22
I have a lot. I use those a lot just when I’m channeling her feeling like I need comfort. I used to have those two things often.

Winter 21:30
That’s great. Tell me about your memorial service. Because we actually didn’t get into that too much in the first story. We talked about what you guys did after, but I didn’t even ask about the memorial service. I apologize.

Jess Hennessey 21:40
No, that’s okay. It was a really special event. I thought of it at three in the morning, when I was having an anxiety attack and thinking, I want to do something that celebrates her. Also, we were in the middle of COVID.

Winter 21:55
Right.

Jess Hennessey 21:56
There were a lot of things with limitations that we had. So many of my family and friends had wanted to provide support. So we actually have a really amazing pub and brewery right down where we lived in Washington State. They were just opening up that they had an area and event space for private parties. So you could basically book it out for the night and you can have a certain amount of people. So we decided to book it out and invite only our immediate family. Then we decided to have a Facebook Live balloon release for a celebration of life. We had picked out balloons that said forever in our hearts. They were biodegradable. So the environmentalist in me would not feel guilty.

Winter 21:56
Good job!

Jess Hennessey 21:56
We actually had all of our family and friends purchase the balloons prior to the event. Then we set a time. I had all of our family and friends across the entire country film them releasing a balloon and I had a lot of people actually put notes in the balloons, like I wrote a note to her and let that go. Multiple people just would write these notes or write little things on the balloons little things to Addy. At the same time, we all let them go and we all recorded it. We did it on the beach and next to this pub. Those are things I will forever cherish.

Jess Hennessey 23:10
Every year now I have more of those balloons, and I will order more. Every year we’re going to go. They were white. We will release this white balloon or forever in our hearts every year on her birthday. Anybody who wants to participate. Our family and friends, which I know they will, will remember her every year. So.

Winter 23:26
That is so cool. I love that so much. What a way to support and then also just kind of the remembrance. That is so great.

Jess Hennessey 23:38
She was born in October too.

Winter 23:40
Yeah.

Jess Hennessey 23:40
Which is crazy, which is of course, which I didn’t even know the significance of that. So I think it’s just going to be every October, it’s just going to be something to hold on to and to celebrate.

Winter 23:50
Yeah.

Jess Hennessey 23:51
Yeah.

Winter 23:52
Yeah, pregnancy and infant loss Awareness Month. That was–yeah. That’s perfect. Actually, I want to see a video of that now. Like, well, you’ll you I’m gonna ask you to send me that video because I just want to see because I bet it was cool.

Jess Hennessey 24:06
I have like 25 of them.

Winter 24:08
Oh I’m sure.

Jess Hennessey 24:09
I posted them to this Facebook group on the event page. So I can always go and look back. So many of my incredible family and friends all participated and they uploaded their videos. It just felt so special, especially during COVID because we all would have been together if we could. So I wanted to keep my family and friends safe, but we were able to have the immediate family on the beach with us as we released them.

Jess Hennessey 24:32
We actually did it a month to the day she was born. So we did it on November 8th. So it was kind of at that point I’d healed up from my C-section pretty well. I was able to be more– I could move around more and I was walking again. Well I mean I was walking after my C-section. Really like feeling right, more strength with my own body. I dealt a lot with body shaming issues after she was born. So with myself again blaming my body didn’t do its job and hating looking at the scar from the C-section. All of those things too. So it felt really empowering to be able to walk on that beach and release that for her.

Winter 25:08
Yeah, but that’s so great. I was thinking, like, Oh, they didn’t have a service or a memorial. But you did, you just thought about it in the middle of the night, because you wanted to honor her. I think that’s so great. What a great idea. What a beautiful idea.

Jess Hennessey 25:25
Thank you, and hopefully others are able to take away from that. It doesn’t have to be essentially during COVID and even post COVID. I know we’re so close, or I can feel it, we’re getting there. But honoring your baby even if miles away from each other. Right? The other thing is family in Kansas and family who were in Washington, DC and Alaska. We all got to do this together for her. So that was really special.

Winter 25:51
Yeah, that is really special. I think that’s a cool idea. I was like, I kind of want to try something like. Let’s just jump back really fast. I do want to cover something that it kind of ends up being a little bit of a recurring theme, actually. You mentioned, there was some body shaming for yourself. Feeling like your body had failed your baby, basically? How are you? I guess, how are you confronting that? How are you dealing with that? Are you seeing a therapist? Tell me some of your thoughts that you’re doing to try and combat that? I guess.

Jess Hennessey 26:29
I am seeing– Well currently as needed, but was very heavily seeing a therapist, both for myself individually. Also with my husband. So we did marriage counseling. That was volunteer. Like we wanted to do that.

Winter 26:43
Right. Yes.

Jess Hennessey 26:43
Because I refuse to let something like this destroy our marriage. I love you too much. She was created out of love and purity. So we did do a lot of therapy. That was one of the things that came up for me. I was fully anticipating a postpartum body. Like that’s almost like I was excited to be proud, like, I produced this incredible being. Then to have her not here with me, and to still have all of the postpartum stuff happen. Suppressing the milk and big scar from the C-section, it was incredibly difficult it still is.Once I was able to get some of my physical health back and being able to do longer walks. Doing some hiit workouts that really helped, because then I felt like I still have that strength.

Jess Hennessey 27:28
One of the things that really resonated with me, and I can’t share this enough is with Addy specifically. I know everyone’s stories are different. But she was very sick for a long time and it wasn’t detected. My doctor said your body is what kept her alive. Like you did that, right. So that was for me, I’ve been trying to embrace that more of I was able to carry her for the full 30 weeks. Opposed to maybe a lot of people with the same condition can only carry for 16 to 20 weeks, because they find out and the babies are sick.

Winter 28:04
Right.

Jess Hennessey 28:04
So she said, that’s a true reflection of how strong your body was. So I’m just trying to use that moving forward. Especially if I go down that tunnel of my body’s not strong enough. I can’t know all these things. I don’t want to be scared to get pregnant again. I could go down a very deep path. So I’m trying to look at it more of like, no, my body was strong enough to carry her for that long. To keep her here as long as I possibly could. So I’ve been using that tool a lot. That was something that my doctor said and my therapist said. You should really hone in on that piece because that’s really powerful.

Winter 28:37
Yeah, just a little bit of reframing there. Yeah, cause that’s true. You mentioned that they usually detected it between 13 to 17 weeks, I think. By then it’s I mean, the baby might have already passed away. Your body was keeping her alive. I think that is a great way to think about it and reframe it.

Jess Hennessey 28:57
Yeah.

Winter 28:58
Yeah. That’s regardless, it’s still hard. So you, you guys did go to therapy, you have gone to therapy. You have gone together as a couple. How has Patrick your husband dealt with the grief? This is also another recurring theme is that it seems like everybody says, Yeah, my spouse grieves way differently than I do. And it’s surprising. So I’m assuming it’s the same way for you guys.

Jess Hennessey 29:24
Yes, he does. He has grieved very differently. I think the thing that I’m really proud of us and we’ve been together almost 10 years. She was our first baby and very planned, very, very planned, baby. We both just looked at each other and we said we will not let this destroy us. We will do whatever it takes for the other person to make sure that person feels supported through this process. His grief form has been very quiet. He wants to not not move on because you don’t move on, but to move forward.

Jess Hennessey 29:57
The move to California and the puppy all those things. They were just aided for him. For me, I keep getting stuck back in certain periods of time. So one of the things that we have to continue working on and we are working on all the time is communicating about that. I’m not saying I want to talk to you for hours and hours. That’s why I have this fantastic community, but just hey today’s not a good day. I’m really having a bad day. You know why, obviously, you lived it with me. I think we’ve done a really great job of that.

Jess Hennessey 30:23
One thing I feel really guilty of, is with some of those feelings as both parties, one of the things that I brought up is, I have had a lot of anger. That’s something that is new for me. I’ve never been an angry person. But I will have days where I just get so stressed and immediately just lash out, or I get so sad. Then that turns into anger and he is the person I live with. He’s the one closest proximity and I feel so bad for him sometimes. But he manages a lot of that lashing and that’s not fair to him. So that’s another thing that we’re also working on. Which is a direct result from what we went through. But I think us going to therapy and just saying we’re on the same grounds, we’re just dealing maybe with some of the other intricacies of that a little differently. But having the same platform has been key for us and how we’ve grieved. Because yeah, we both agreed very differently.

Jess Hennessey 31:15
Yeah. Oh I like that. Acknowledging that he has kind of been the brunt of some of the things that he might be feeling. But then just being able to say thanks for sticking with me. Yeah, that’s–

Jess Hennessey 31:30
Oh he has. He’s now turning into six– Now we’ve been managing that for six months. It’s to the point where he can pull me out of it, he’ll look at me, like, Jess you’re doing that thing again. I know you don’t want to do that, but you’re doing that thing. I’m like, you’re right, and he’ll pull me out of it now. So it’s I think, gonna forever morph and change. It’s made our marriage stronger. When you go through a trauma like that. I just said I refuse to let this destroy us. Everyday is building on our marriage and the love that we have. This next chapter, so.

Winter 32:02
Yeah, it is so taxing on– it is stressing on a marriage. So it’s good to hear that you guys are working on it actively?

Jess Hennessey 32:12
Yes.

Winter 32:13
Yes.

Jess Hennessey 32:13
Yes. It’s actively working on it daily. It’s so easy. Yes. Because it is I can’t I mean, there was I mean, there were days after she passed where I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I just wanted to be by myself and you could easily go to that place. I still can, it is an active effort for me to bring in those I love, or to let people ask me about Addy. Because I could easily just go into this one. He’s my closest partner, my best friend. He’s right here living it with me and I could still isolate him too. That’s not what I want to do.

Winter 32:13
Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That’s just kind of realizing he’s part of this. He went through this too. So giving a little grace to our spouses, right, our partners, and all this too.

Jess Hennessey 32:46
Yes.

Winter 33:02
Okay. So tell me, you pointed out so many awesome things that people did for you in the birth story. I like, namely, your sister, your sister sounds awesome. She went above and beyond. I’m wondering if there were other things that she did, or anybody else that did. Or even said after Addy passed away that really stood out to you that helped. We want to offer ideas, I guess, for others who may be looking to help somebody that has lost a child. So what things stood out to you?

Jess Hennessey 33:37
Absolutely. So what really stood out was how close colleagues or friends would say, I don’t know what to say, there is nothing to say. But let me do this act for you. So it would be bringing a sandwich or, here’s a bottle of wine or, here’s just a socially distanced hug. They’re like, I can’t tell you anything, I can’t say anything to make this better, or for it to go away. It just is. I just want you to know that I’m here to support you. So I had a couple of close friends do that.

Jess Hennessey 34:08
I had a couple of close friends. For me, after the C-Section, I wanted to get back to being active because it was kind of that control thing with my body. I wanted to feel like I had some sense of control. I had friends just say, look, can I just walk with you? We don’t have to talk, can I just go on a walk with you. It was great for the friend and great for me because I needed it. I should have had a chaperone anyway, walking after a C-section. So that was really, really gracious of them.

Jess Hennessey 34:34
I think to just a few folks, mainly people I worked with, again, kind of in that sensitive environment, we just text me. Here’s a heart. Don’t say anything but a heart. That was perfect. It was so helpful to just acknowledge that there was presidence outside of the situation of people who truly cared. They didn’t have to say anything and there was nothing right to say there isn’t there still isn’t anything right to say.

Winter 34:56
Yeah.

Jess Hennessey 34:56
So I think just small acts, whether it was bringing– I really wanted Jimmy Johns while I was pregnant and I didn’t have it. So bringing me a Jimmy John’s sandwich, or going on a walk with me. Because that was the only thing that let me feel human again during that time period after all of that happened. So those were really great recommendations that I’d love to share for others.

Winter 35:17
Yeah, that is also I will say the small things make the biggest impact I feel like. So that’s cool that you’re had a lot of support through this. Okay, well, on the flip side, then I want to know if there was anything that you would maybe just recommend people not say, or not mention? After somebody lost a child, because I know that everybody has, it’s different for everybody. But I’m curious to know, if there was something that really kind of rubbed you the wrong way. Don’t call anybody out.

Jess Hennessey 35:52
I will say I want to say this because I absolutely was guilty of saying this to others before I went through something this traumatic was, everything happens for a reason. That to me, I read Megan devisor, I guess I listened to her audiobook, it’s okay not to be okay. That was another gift. Somebody just sent me a book. They’re like, just when you have some time to read this, but it ended up being transformational. In her book she talks about kind of those actions and the intent is usually absolutely not negative. But sometimes people, when they go through trauma, you just don’t know how to react, or your first reaction is just an affirmation.

Jess Hennessey 36:31
That specific one really was difficult for me was everything happens for a reason. So you’re saying that she was made and was perfect and she died? That’s okay? Or that there’s a reason for that? Do I believe that there’s a reason for how I can make her life valuable and provide remembrance every day and make my life better? Because of her? Absolutely. Hearing that? Oh, well, everything happens for a reason. That was really, it’s still difficult to hear, because I’m like, she’s a perfect young, innocent baby. How is that? So, that one specifically for me? I know, there’s other affirmations as well, like, Oh there’s a plan for everything. I would like to believe that events have transformed me and we’ll continue to do so. Which is just again, providing value and remembrance to her life. But I mean, her dying like I don’t think there should I don’t know just that one for me is really difficult.

Winter 37:33
Yeah, yeah, it’s because you’re just like, what? No, yeah.

Jess Hennessey 37:39
I know, they don’t mean it to be ill will.

Winter 37:41
No, no.

Jess Hennessey 37:42
No, no, no. I know that it’s just that one for me was really difficult. Especially in a time when you don’t feel like you’re grasping onto whatever you can to feel normal, or to feel okay, and to feel some sense of happiness. Then to hear like, Oh, no, no, you’re supposed to go through this. Again, I know, that’s not that but, it’ll happen, and you’ll find out why later. That one to me was–

Winter 38:04
Yeah, cause you’re just like, really, no, yeah. I have issues with those. Both of those platitudes as well. So, like you said, you are trying to bring value in remembrance of her. Yeah, you just feel like so I was meant to lose her. Yeah it just does not sit so well. So. Yeah.

Jess Hennessey 38:27
So that one was really difficult to sit with. And I heard it quite a bit. And it continued. Part of me wanted to be brave, and just tell them hey I know you mean this in the best way possible, but this is how it’s perceived for me right now. Right? I never did, because they’re coming from a place of love and care. But yeah, be really gentle with that after somebody has had a significant loss like that.

Winter 38:49
Yeah. Have you had any kind of a-ha moments or any realizations about this grief journey? About grief in general about you, yourself? Yeah. Tell me, tell me if you’ve realized anything?

Jess Hennessey 39:05
Yes. So I would say this realization came about, I would say four months, post her passing. When I think about the worst thing that could have happened when getting pregnant and feeling that joy, the worst thing in my mind that could have happened is that I would lose a child and in life losing a child. That happened, I did. I lost a child and all these different things happened, of course. Intertwined with that, but that’s the absolute in my whole life, what now presently, in the future, what could be the worst thing is losing a baby. I faced the worst absolute thing you could face, in my mind, at least for me as a person, everything moving forward. Now I’m living my life with the sense of fearlessness because I’ve already lived through the worst thing possible.

Jess Hennessey 39:55
That feeling and I do believe that this was a gift from Addy. In some sense, I do that. Everything else, it’s like, Hey, I didn’t get that job or that interview didn’t go well, or, hey, we can’t afford that really nice car that we’ve been looking forward to. Or we have to sell our things because one of us lost their jobs, or there’s just so many things that it doesn’t matter. Like, you face the worst thing that could possibly happen. There’s this sense of fearlessness that I’ve been able to really hone during this grieving period, and will continue to, and I think it’s a gift from her. That feeling of, I used to be so attached to outcomes, and not such a planner. You can’t plan what happened, and no one can plan to lose a baby. I’m really proud of myself for being on the other side, six months later, to say, I miss her, and I love her. She gave me this gift of fearlessness, because I lost her. So that would be a-ha moment for me. She’s changed my life.

Winter 41:01
I had chills from that. That Is so beautiful, that she’s given you this really different perspective. Just realizing that it’ll be fine. You’ve gone through the worst of it. What a tribute to her, actually, your life will be attributed to her. So is there any last piece of advice or anything else you’d like to share with us today? About Addy about anything that’s helped you anything that we haven’t covered that I’m sure I missed?

Jess Hennessey 41:37
No, I would. So I would just say as a lasting thought, people’s lives continue to move forward. Even if they were to those immediate people during that acute period, or they were there, and they’re not. It’s not like their support has gone, but life moves forward. They’ve got things in their life that are moving forward. So finding little things to remember your child by and one of the things that I’m doing to honor Addy. My husband and I are doing this new house, we currently have a completely dirt backyard. So we’re getting to transform that and spend way too much money on a backyard. We’re actually making a garden for Addy. One of the things that somebody gifted us with a bench plate, and it has her name and her date of birth and death. We are going to create a garden.

Jess Hennessey 42:20
I always associated white and pink flowers, any kind of flowers with her being a little princess. We’re going to make a garden for her with only white and pink flowers. That’s something that every day I get to go and I get to love on it, and I get to care for it. It’s going to provide me with daily remembrance. When things bloom that to me is one thing that we’re doing, but that I cannot wait. We’re close, just out of money on a backyard, but we’re very close. That’ll be the first project that we get done. So yeah, that would be my lasting thought is whatever that looks like in your life and something to take care of daily. It’s for them because they would be here normally to take care of for you. I hope that she would have been here everyday to take care of and she’s not.

Winter 43:03
Yeah. Jess, thank you. That was beautiful. I love that idea of just having something daily to take care of and then remember you’re your child by.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: advice, early neonatal infant death (<7 days), infant death, podcast episode Tagged With: infant loss

After Stillbirth: Angelica, Grieving Mom Shares How She’s Dealt With The Loss of Her Son

February 9, 2022 by Winter

Mom Angelica sits down with Winter in this interview to talk about the trauma of finding out her son would be stillborn and giving birth to him via Caesarean section, how she transitioned back to work as a NICU nurse, and what’s she’s done to cope after Ezra’s death. She also shares things that you should and shouldn’t say to a loss mom or dad.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):


Time Stamps:

00:00 Welcome
02:09 After Ezra’s birth (stillborn) and what helped
07:57 Work
15:02 Physical reminders of Ezra
24:54 How has Nick (husband) handled everything
36:27 What not to say and what to say

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen to Angelica’s birth episode of son Ezra: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Tiffany‘s birth episode of daughter Khyana’s: Click here

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  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
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Ezra, born still

Full Transcription:

Winter 0:00
Welcome, everybody to Still A Part of Us.

Winter 0:02
I am Winter. I’m one of the hosts of this show. We’re going to be talking with Angelica a little bit about her experience with the stillbirth of her son Ezra. A couple of things before we get started, just housekeeping things, this conversation is full of triggers. So if you are not in a good place, please do not listen, do not watch, we want to be as helpful as possible. And if you’re not in a good place, please just be aware that we will be talking about a lot of different things that could be hard to listen to. So please just be aware of that. If you are part of our community, if you are a lost mom, lost dad, hit the subscribe button. We are here to help build community. So please join us and help each other out.

Winter 0:43
Once again, Angelica, thank you so much for coming on and chatting with us about Ezra. If you did not get a chance to hear her birth story, you will cry. Because I did. Please check that birth story out. Angelica, thank you once again for coming on today. And discussing some things that have helped you and have not helped you. So welcome. Once again.

Angelica 1:06
Thank you so much and thank you for again wanting to hear my sons story.

Winter 1:10
Oh, yeah.

Angelica 1:11
It is so wonderful to be able to tell it.

Winter 1:12
Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is. Tell us again, just so that everybody is kind of brought up to speed. How long ago was Ezra born?

Angelica 1:21
He was born on June 1st of 2020.

Winter 1:25
So at the time of this recording, it’s been just about 10 months or so. So still very new still very raw. I’m going to just be like– that first birthday coming up is that can be that’s going to be a milestone that can be a little tricky. We’ll talk a little bit about that as well.

Winter 1:45
Also, just a little bit of context, Ezra was stillborn at 33 weeks, so that everybody knows where we’re coming from. So, Angelica, tell me how it’s been these last 10 months for you. How’s your grief been? How have you approached it, I guess? And how have you dealt with it?

Angelica 2:09
To start with it was really, really rough and dark. It just was. Everything just got so dark. This first couple of weeks, I think I was actually so despondent that my husband was concerned that I would do something drastic. That’s what he told me. I’ve done talk therapy before, but he looked at me, he said, “If you’re willing to do it, just for a week, you know, I really think you should.” So I did start to go to counseling in the first two to three weeks, following Ezra’s death. That did help quite a bit. I went about twice a week for several months, and then eventually went down to once and for several months. Now it’s kind of been titrated to about once a month for the past two months or so.

Winter 3:10
It sounds like it has been somewhat helpful.

Angelica 3:14
Yes, yeah. I found that it was really helpful for me to talk about him. To talk about what happened. I just didn’t realize how much it would be helpful to talk about him. Because there are so many other instances where I’ve met parents who just don’t want to talk about what happens at all. If you want to sweep it under the rug for the moment, and just kind of move forward. I thought to myself, am I doing this wrong? Because I feel like I want to talk about him more? Or am I productivities support groups, that kind of thing.

Angelica 3:58
I didn’t actually start going to support groups until about two months after and it started with local support groups.

Winter 4:04
Yeah.

Angelica 4:06
That I found another organization. It’s called the Star Legacy Foundation.

Winter 4:10
Oh, yes.

Angelica 4:12
Which I imagine somebody has to have mentioned.

Winter 4:14
Yeah.

Angelica 4:15
Once before here, but they had a physician who was doing a seminar on umbilical cords. Because we don’t really know what happened to Ezra I thought, well, maybe he’s got information that will give me an a-ha moment.

Winter 4:33
I see.

Angelica 4:33
So I can talk to my doctor about it and see if that could have been part of what happened. Then from there, found the support groups on there.

Winter 4:43
Great. It makes a huge difference when you are sitting with somebody that has had a very similar experience to you. Not having to kind of explain all those feelings that you have and if they’ve never experienced before, because you mentioned that before in your birth episode. Your background is as a NICU nurse, a neonatal intensive care unit nurse. So you’ve always had that idea that there’s a possibility, right? You’ve seen people have lost before. But you said something that struck a chord with me where you said, “I had no idea, even though I understood it, until you actually have felt the loss yourself.” It’s totally different. Right?

Angelica 5:25
It really is. Because in a report, when we’re talking about our patients, we talk about their moms, we talk about the birth history, and that includes mom’s birth history as well. So if parents have had a previous loss, then we generally know about those. Anytime that you hear about somebody who has had previous losses, it just– before losing Ezra, would just make my heart sink. But now it makes me weak at the knees, just thinking about what that person is going through. So yeah. What other people will have the ability to imagine doesn’t even touch with the actual experience, regardless of how much they worked on it, how much they tried to understand it. I’m grateful for that. I am so grateful. But there are people out there who try– who work with those who have lost, but who have never experienced that loss themselves.

Winter 6:31
Yeah.

Angelica 6:32
I think that’s– I’m grateful that they haven’t been through that themselves.

Angelica 6:37
Yeah, but are willing. Oh, yeah, I was gonna say shout out to my therapist, same thing with her. She’s never experienced that kind of loss, but she has helped us so much. So yes, I completely agree with you. Then there are some people that are still doing wonderful things, despite not having had that loss. Thankfully not having that loss. So you have gone to see a therapist. Also some of these grief groups that are– you can also you can find them kind of online, you can meet electronically, I guess, which is so so nice. Especially at this time when meetings, like in person meetings, are not happening. I believe my hospital– I don’t think has any of those in person meetings. It’s all zoom right now. Anyway, so. So yeah.

Angelica 7:26
That’s us too. I think that the pandemic has made this technology more accessible.

Winter 7:34
Yeah.

Angelica 7:34
And, and so I think, as awful as things have been over the last year for so many different reasons. You know, I think that aspect of things has been helpful.

Winter 7:48
Yes.

Angelica 7:49
It’s been really helpful to have the access to those people. electronically, virtually.

Winter 7:55
Yeah, virtually. Yes, it is. Yeah, it is a blessing. That’s a little silver lining of the pandemic, right. And when you obviously you had Ezra, and he was, this was a big surprise. Obviously, not expected you were 33 weeks. Were you allowed to take some time off to after his birth?

Angelica 8:18
Yes, yes. I originally asked them just to allow me to take whatever I was allowed for maternity leave. Originally, I was approved for nine weeks off. As I was getting to like the seven, eight week mark, I started to panic about thinking about going back to work.

Winter 8:38
Yeah.

Angelica 8:38
Because I just didn’t know if like, I didn’t even know if I could physically enter the hospital, let alone walk those same halls.

Angelica 8:47
Yes.

Angelica 8:48
You know, go back into the unit where I was just hours before I was admitted. And found out that he was gone. So I just didn’t know. So I petitioned for three more, which I had. It was within the policy to allow me to have that extra time.

Winter 9:11
Right.

Angelica 9:11
But they were very gracious. So I was able to take 12 weeks off. And I needed every last day.

Winter 9:18
Yeah. Great. That’s great. And transitioning back to work. So you did you go back to the NICU?

Angelica 9:26
Yeah I did.

Winter 9:28
How did that happen?

Angelica 9:29
It has been a whirlwind. I started off the first week or so. The first week or so I was with a fellow employee, one of my peers. Almost like I was being oriented back onto the floor. Because I knew that if something happened, I needed somebody who’s going to be able to watch my assignment. Right then and there. I wasn’t going to be able to wait for somebody who could come and take over for me in 20 minutes when they were done with their assignment elsewhere. I just needed someone who could take over the reins. I knew that the kids were safe, because my biggest concern was that I wasn’t going to be a safe nurse that I was going to be distracted. It started out in small increments. So I think I started out with four hour increments, went to eight and then eventually worked my way back up to full 12.

Winter 10:39
Right, right. I think that’s and was that something that kind of worked out with your nurse manager too? To create something that kind of schedule so that you could feel like you were easing back into things?

Angelica 10:54
Yeah, I did talk with my nurse manager. They kind of worked out what types of assignments I should be taking as well as to make sure that they weren’t giving me little boys named Ezra, or 33 weekers. You know, just to kind of be sensitive about the details surrounding Ezra’s birth. And helping me to come back just because– don’t ask me why they want me back. Because I feel pretty worthless as a NICU nurse somedays. But they’ve been very kind too. They’ve been trying to help me to adjust back.

Winter 11:44
Yeah, praises to you– seriously, they have just to pay attention to like you said the details. The fact that they’re like if this patient is a like a 33 weeker– that this baby is a 33 weeker. That’s those little things that can be triggering. The fact that they are paying attention is cool, like that is very sensitive and cool of them to do that. Or to be aware of that.

Angelica 12:08
Yeah they are amazing.

Winter 12:09
Yeah.

Angelica 12:10
My co-workers have been amazing. And actually, so because he was born early, because we delivered early, I didn’t have those extra weeks PTO. So I think I was able to cover seven weeks of PTO on my own. All the rest of it was PTO donation.

Winter 12:32
Oh.

Angelica 12:32
From my co-workers.

Winter 12:34
That is awesome. That is so kind.

Angelica 12:38
They fed and clothed my family and kept the lights on for five weeks. It’s hard to know how to say thank you to them.

Winter 12:50
Yeah. Yeah. That’s really great. I think that’s– good job coworkers!

Angelica 12:59
They are just amazing.

Angelica 13:01
Yeah, yeah. Now your backup to like, full time shifts. And how is it? How’s that been? Are you doing? Are you? How’s that? Are you? Are you doing? Okay? Like, I just I can’t imagine honestly, working on the NICU so. I just like oh, oh, yeah.

Angelica 13:16
I’m actually not working full time I’m point six.

Winter 13:19
Oh, okay.

Angelica 13:20
I’m working two days a week.

Winter 13:21
Okay.

Angelica 13:22
That was always the plan.

Winter 13:23
Oh.

Angelica 13:24
That was always the plan for us, for me to go to point six after Ezra was born because our intent was for me to be able to spend more time with the kids. Then to kind of minimize the amount of childcare.

Winter 13:35
Yes, Yes, for sure.

Angelica 13:36
But after Ezra passed I just thought to myself, I don’t know that I can force myself to be on the floor any longer than that. You know what I mean?

Winter 13:43
Yeah.

Angelica 13:44
Just because, as you probably know it, you spend all of your days off, just accruing as much energy as you can so that you can be functional and have your head on straight. I feel like those two days at work every week, they take every ounce of energy that I have collected over, you know, a couple of days at a time.

Winter 14:14
Yeah. That is a great way of putting it. You do need to store it up. To yeah, to be on task, I guess. Yeah.

Angelica 14:25
Yes and for me, I just, I don’t want to be a liability.

Winter 14:34
Right. Yes.

Angelica 14:36
After losing my own child, I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I had contributed to the loss of somebody else’s child. So when I’m at work I try to be–

Winter 14:48
You’re on, Yeah.

Angelica 14:50
Focused as I possibly can be.

Winter 14:52
Yes.

Angelica 14:53
And as attentive to detail as my brain will allow.

Winter 14:57
Yeah.

Angelica 14:57
So far, they haven’t asked me to leave. I think that’s a good sign.

Winter 15:02
Yeah I think that it’s a good sign. Well, yeah. Angelica tell me what you have done in order to kind of remember Ezra. I know you mentioned in your birth story that they gave you a weighted teddy bear. I think some people don’t know about these kind of weighted teddy bears or weighted stuffed animals where it’s the same weight as your child. Oh, you’re going to go grab it yay!

Angelica 15:36
So I have two.

Winter 15:39
Oh look at that!

Angelica 15:40
So this is the teddy bear that they gave us in the hospital.

Winter 15:44
Uh huh. Oh, he’s really cute.

Angelica 15:46
He actually weighs less than Ezra, but it’s strange when you’re cradling them in your arms. They just feel so small.

Winter 15:56
Yeah.

Angelica 15:57
And so weightless. So when I was holding him, I thought to myself that you know that they had to be around the same weight, but they aren’t. At least not with the Molly Bear that we got later on. I think this is a brand that’s called the comfort cub.

Winter 16:17
Cute.

Angelica 16:21
This is the Molly Bear that we made.

Winter 16:25
It’s got his name and everything. That’s so cute.

Angelica 16:29
It sas his metrics on the foot.

Winter 16:30
Oh, that’s great. Is that something that you can have like custom with the Molly Bears?

Angelica 16:36
Yeah.

Winter 16:36
Okay because we don’t have one. That was not on our radar because I did not know that there was something you could do like that. Then I started talking to more people. I was like, oh, maybe I should get a Molly Bear. That would be fun to have something that is his weight kind of represents our son.

Angelica 16:54
You can get one at any point.

Winter 16:56
Yeah.

Angelica 16:57
My mom actually had a pregnancy loss between my brother and me. So that’s, you know 30 plus years.

Winter 17:09
Yeah.

Angelica 17:10
And she got a Molly Bear.

Angelica 17:11
Oh, that’s great. So, how far along was her loss? I’m curious.

Angelica 17:20
She was about 17 weeks along.

Winter 17:22
Yeah.

Angelica 17:23
But it was the 80s, so I mean, in circumstances where maybe a nurse would have offered to let her hold the baby, or see the baby they didn’t give her that opportunity. They didn’t let her labor. They just did a DNC patched her up and sent her out the door.

Winter 17:41
Yeah.

Angelica 17:42
They don’t even really know what happens to the baby.

Winter 17:44
Yeah, isn’t that just I’m so grateful when I hear stories from different times that I’m like, we are a little bit– it seems like we get a little bit more time to be with our child to figure out things. To be able to mourn and grieve. That it just yeah, so grateful that it’s a little different than back in the 70s, or a different time. That’s cool that she was able to get a Molly Berry. I think that’s great. Um, any other things that you guys have to remember Ezra by?

Angelica 18:20
A lot of people have given me jewelry. So I have a ring with his name on it? I don’t know if you can see it.

Winter 18:27
Oh, yeah, it’s a little small but that’s okay!

Angelica 18:29
Bracelets and then I actually had this necklace made.

Winter 18:30
Oh look at that.

Angelica 18:35
It has his picture on one side then–

Winter 18:42
Oh, I love that!

Angelica 18:45
Then his date of birth on the other.

Winter 18:46
Look at his cute little footprint. Those are so cute. Did you just have that made?

Angelica 18:53
You send the photo files to them. Then they just adjust them to size.

Winter 18:59
That is great.

Angelica 19:00
Then they put it on there. Other people have sent us lots of things like that to just really thoughtful things, but then we have the things from the hospital as well. So we have his little footprint.

Winter 19:14
Oh, I totally can’t see that. It’s a little too. Oh, I see it there it is! That’s perfect. That’s perfect. Okay.

Angelica 19:24
Then the hospital gave us– so this is a blanket that they said for Philippa.

Winter 19:29
Oh for her.

Angelica 19:32
Then they also sent her a teddy bear.

Winter 19:34
Oh, that’s so sweet.

Angelica 19:35
Then we have photo books like I made this one for Pippa because the one that Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep got made for us is really big.

Winter 19:47
Oh!

Angelica 19:48
Every time she tried to pull it down, I was worried that she was going to give herself a concussion. So I made her a little one that has so you can write on the inside out.

Winter 20:00
That is so cool.

Angelica 20:03
It’s small for small hands.

Winter 20:05
Yeah, so she can reference that. Oh, that. So um, so the big album is from, so I lay me down to sleep that is cool. I didn’t realize that they made albums.

Angelica 20:17
It’s actually from I can’t remember the name of the company, but they’re contracted through the hospital.

Winter 20:28
Okay.

Angelica 20:29
So the hospital kind of links them together.

Winter 20:32
Yeah.

Angelica 20:32
Now I lay me down to Sleep. Then they just make a photo book for you.

Winter 20:36
That is really cool.

Angelica 20:38
Using the files that they took when they got the photographs.

Winter 20:42
Yeah.

Angelica 20:42
In the hospital and having it.

Winter 20:46
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that looks awesome. And what a beautiful, like, kind of just a remembrance, being able to flip through those photos regularly and easily. So I think that’s awesome.

Angelica 21:01
Then they made– When I thought about what I was going to do for a baby book, because I was thinking about that after the fact, I just broke down. I was looking online, and there is a memorial baby book that they make called I love you still.

Winter 21:17
Yes, I have seen that. But I have not gotten it. So you can just put–

Angelica 21:23
That’s Pippa’s contribution. But it has information about you and you can put pictures in what your family looks like before that. So then it goes month by month. So for seven months, and eventually, you get to the point where you were when you lost. So there are just blank pages. But it’s a way to kind of include that information. I feel like it’s almost like a self help book too. Because at the back it’s got prompts like, how have you changed? What things have helped you? I am grateful for.

Winter 22:10
I think that’s so–

Angelica 22:11
You can use it like a journal.

Winter 22:14
I am, I will share a link to that because I have like I said, I that just barely showed up on my radar. And I was like, Oh, I might need to check that out. That is really cool. There’s kind of this option to create a baby book in a sense. Yeah, cuz you would record you would record all those things.

Angelica 22:34
I remember writing them down after we came home from the hospital. It was pretty quick after that, I started to write things down just because I could feel the fog starting to set in. It’s still there. You know, I still feel so foggy. But having some of those things in writing.

Winter 22:54
Yeah.

Angelica 22:56
Is helpful. It can help me to jog my memory a little bit. Every time that I feel like his memories are slipping away, I just feel like I’m losing a part of him. It’s just hard.

Winter 23:09
Yes. Yeah, those memories are– Writing it down writing things down has been key for us, too. So even if it’s just a quick note on my phone. If I remember something I try– we tried to do that, like I do that on my phone, my husband, I know that he usually keeps a little notes file as well. And so yeah, I think writing it down as quickly as possible is always super helpful. Then I have actually really enjoyed going back and looking at some of the things that I wrote. I do notice some changes, right? Like you.

Angelica 23:47
Yeah.

Winter 23:48
Yeah, you kind of notice changes in yourself. Then also, like, Oh, I don’t remember that. But then now it jogs my memory to something else that I had felt at the time. So yeah, so–

Angelica 23:59
I’ve always been horrible about writing, started journal, and then put in a couple that five years later stumble upon it again. But I was amazed by the number of people who gifted us journals.

Winter 24:14
Yeah.

Angelica 24:14
I thought, okay. So I did start writing in a journal.

Winter 24:19
Great!

Angelica 24:19
I figured that, you know, I can’t, I often can’t write in a diary, like dear diary, you know, because for some reason, it just doesn’t. It doesn’t establish a habit for me.

Winter 24:34
Yeah.

Angelica 24:34
So I’ve started writing letters to him.

Winter 24:38
Oh, okay.

Angelica 24:39
Letters to Ezra like I’m talking to him about the day. Things that I was thinking about that day, ways that I was thinking about him. The things that reminded me of him, just like having a conversation with him.

Winter 24:51
Yeah.

Angelica 24:52
That’s been helpful.

Winter 24:54
That’s awesome. A little bit of inclusion in your day. I like that a lot. So, Nick was, you mentioned your husband, Nick, he was very, how has he handled all of this in this? The last 10 months?

Angelica 25:14
He like me, he has just been kind of all over the map because it’s just a roller coaster of emotions. It really is. But to start with, he just seemed so strangely serene. You know, I mentioned that when they first wheeled me into the recovery room, and I saw him there holding Ezra. He was telling me that another baby had been born. And I said, I started to cry. And he said, No, it’s okay, we’re grateful that their baby is okay, and grateful that everything is okay for them. He just kept repeating that word for the subsequent three or four weeks. I’m just so grateful and grateful, I had a chance to meet him and hold.

Angelica 26:02
As time passed, I could tell that he was definitely just trying, he was trying to kind of keep it together for me. To a certain extent, because he has definitely had his moments where he needs to be the strong one, or he just needs somebody else’s support. I kept telling him not to do that at the very beginning, because I knew that he was bound to. I just didn’t want him to feel like he had to bear the weight of everything, and do all the hard stuff, especially when you’re making plans for a funeral. One of the photos that I shared with you is the final draft of Ezra’s headstone. Nick actually designed that. So, you know, just having to do all of these hard things, and to not have help and support yourself. I just wanted him to know that he didn’t have to do that to himself, you know, that he is worthy of having help.

Winter 27:07
Yeah, I am actually a little curious about if Nick, how the process of designing Ezra’s headstone was for him. My husband, and I designed our we, we actually got a little bench for our son. I found it strangely therapeutic to do that, because it was like, I would be, you know, setting up a crib for him, or, you know, doing something, it felt like a thing I could do for him. Like I was gonna create something. So I’m just curious to know if Nick felt some sort of, like, Hey, I’m doing something for my son, like, I’m making him something, you know, like just interesting.

Angelica 27:53
You know, I had never asked him that specifically, but I know that after he would after he passed a couple of hours of work on the design. He would seem like he was pretty emotionally depleted.

Winter 28:09
Really?

Angelica 28:12
You know, but they came out so lovely. It just I can’t help but think of it as a labor of love.

Winter 28:21
Yeah.

Angelica 28:22
On his part.

Winter 28:23
Yeah, for sure. I that’s really cool that he did that. Because that is, I’ll be honest, I was totally checked out that fog had set in when we were planning funeral stuff. I was so grateful for Lee because he really just like I said, he, I felt like he stepped up. He was like, I gotta take care of this. I gotta take care of my family. This is the way I’m going to take care of my family as best as possible. So sounds like Nick was that way as well?

Angelica 28:53
Yeah. It is amazing. Oh, my gosh, it was amazing. Just how the shock affects you. There are so many beautiful things that I’ve heard other parents have done for their kids. I think to myself, that’s an obvious one. Why didn’t I do that too? Like, for example, at Ezra’s funeral there were no flowers. It was June. You know?

Winter 29:19
Yeah.

Angelica 29:21
I didn’t even think about the fact that there should have been flowers. Some people said that they played music. My head just was not there.

Winter 29:29
Yeah.

Angelica 29:31
And I don’t know why.

Winter 29:32
Well, I mean when was the last time you planned a funeral? Angelica, like really? It’s, it just is that you just don’t ever think you’re going to be planning a funeral, you know, at our age, right? So why would you know, to get flowers. The only reason why we had flowers for our son was because my mother in law said, usually, you get some flowers and I’m like, Oh, okay. We’ll order some flowers. Like Somebody had to tell me what to do. And I was grateful for that. Because like you said, I just didn’t have a head on my shoulders at that time I was completely out of it.

Angelica 30:08
It’s not like we didn’t have flowers. We had flowers.

Winter 30:14
Yeah.

Angelica 30:14
I think before all of us, we had one vase that would disappear every single time that we needed it. Now I have a closet full of vases. I almost kind of can’t stand having flowers in a vase in my house, just because of how many flowers that were, it’s almost a triggering thing.

Winter 30:35
Yeah.

Angelica 30:37
But I could have gathered together any one of those and had like, you know, a big bouquet for his funeral. My brain just was not there.

Winter 30:48
Yeah. That, I think, is completely understandable. It’s completely understandable. So I am curious, if you have had, if somebody did something for you, or said anything to you, that was like, you want to remember that. And it was so you, you really appreciated what they said or what they did for you, in the last 10 months.

Angelica 31:13
That varies. So that morning, the morning that Ezra was born, we were sitting in a hospital room, and flowers arrived. I don’t have the butterfly, the butterfly is somewhere else. But it was this arrangement from downstairs. It had a butterfly on it and had a card. It was from the neonatologists and nurse practitioners on my floor. Because they knew what had happened. It’s not like I had told anybody.

Winter 31:46
Yeah.

Angelica 31:46
But they knew what had happened. They cared enough to send me something to say we understand. This sucks. Since then, so many people have done the same that they’ve brought forward and I feel like I am eternally indebted to so many people. The list is just too long for me to really pinpoint any one particular person because

Angelica 32:15
I just felt so much love and support in a time when that kind of thing feels impossible. With a pandemic and with the concerns that you have of potentially making somebody else sick. You know, people who would come up and look at me and say, I’ve got a mask on you’ve got a mask on can I give you a hug? I think one thing I remember is that I hadn’t been hugged by anybody other than my husband and daughter for months, right. I got more hugs in the couple of days following my son’s death than I had from January, February on.

Winter 33:12
Yeah.

Angelica 33:13
I mean, it was just that human touch that I had forgotten was so necessary. They were there when I needed them. There were so many people who showed up, who I haven’t talked to in ages. But they offered to make food and take my daughter to the park and sit with me and cry with me. Like I was saying with my co-workers who sacrificed their own time off, so that I have a couple of extra weeks to pull myself together. To determine whether or not I was going to be able to go back to work. Now I feel like I have no choice. You know, how can I? How can I leave someplace full of some wonderful, amazing human beings?

Winter 34:07
Yeah.

Angelica 34:09
I just feel so grateful. Despite the awful nature of the experience, though. I feel so grateful to have so many people in my life who love me, it just gives you this, this renewed faith in humanity.

Winter 34:29
Yes, that is a perfect way of putting it actually. Because Yeah, we felt, yeah, just the love, like we just felt so cared for and loved. Sounds like you had a similar experience, which is very, it’s wonderful. It’s wonderful.

Angelica 34:47
And just hearing people wanting to talk about him. Even though it’s really awkward sometimes triggering things that people say regardless of how many of those I have countered, I just find that anybody who is willing to talk about him with me, I just appreciate them so much.

Winter 35:12
Yeah.

Angelica 35:13
Because I know that when you’re talking about a stillborn baby it’s kind of a conversation stopper. But anybody who looks at you and says tell me more, or I getcha, you know, you can talk, talk about him any time or call me anytime that you’re having a really rough go of it. Those people who have reached out to help when you have no clue what to do, when the only thing that you can say is, what do I do next? Because I think that was the question just cycling in my brain for, you know, in the hours and weeks following Ezra’s death. I was just thinking to myself, what do I do now? You know, I just need somebody to tell me what I need to do. Because I can’t make those decisions. Or I can’t make this. I can’t determine what needs to be done on my own anymore. My brain just is not there anymore.

Winter 36:24
Yeah, that’s. You say that and I was like, Oh, yeah, that’s exactly how I was. I could not wrap my brain around things that I needed to do. Like, yeah, thank goodness for people that kind of kept our lives together for those months after. Yeah. It’s just so traumatizing. It’s just so traumatizing. Is there? You have mentioned that people have said some awkward things, obviously. Is there anything that maybe is not the best thing to say to a lost mom that maybe has rubbed you a little wrong? I don’t want you to call anybody out. I don’t want you to. Yeah, I don’t want you to call anybody out. But if there’s anything that is because I know that people just want to know what to say, right? They just want to know what to say. And they kind of want to know what not to say I think so that it just makes it like not so awkward, I guess.

Angelica 37:22
To start with, like if at the very beginning, I really struggled with religious platitudes. You know, God has a plan for everything. You know, there’s a reason for everything. Just because I, my husband and I, we’re, we were raised Catholic, but we haven’t been practicing. So there was just a part of me that just couldn’t wrap my head around this idea that there was a, you know, at the moment that there was a reason for his death. I just thought that stung a little bit.

Angelica 38:01
But I think as time has passed that it’s become less triggering. But initially, it was extremely triggering. Then just anybody talking about, you know, somebody else’s pregnancy for somebody else’s baby, really close on. Really close to the loss itself.

Angelica 38:24
I remember there was a friend of mine who came in and she’s very sweet and asked her how she was doing because she’d asked me how I was doing. I was just trying to normalize things. In the days after we got home from the hospital. Oh, things are good. She was talking to me about a mutual friend of ours, she said, yeah you’re not going to see them for a couple of weeks. Because they’re going into quarantine for about two or three weeks before their baby’s born. But the babies do like early June or something like that. Early July, early July or something like that. Ezra was due on July 15. His c-section was scheduled for July 9. I just fell apart.

Angelica 39:10
So I think that just talking about babies and pregnancy in general can be good for green, but I think it’s so hard. It’s just so so hard. And I feel like anybody who is even willing to try should be given grace.

Winter 39:29
Yeah.

Angelica 39:30
Because they’re willing to enter that awkward zone with you. Knowing that, you know that not everything they say is going to feel just right. For every person. It’s so different. But I think the thing that helps the most is just all of those comments that are validating, you know, like giving those people the space to talk about what they’re feeling. Thinking and then saying, Yeah, it does suck. Yes, this is hard. Yes, I hear you. Just confirming that they’re not alone.

Winter 40:13
Yeah.The validating and the confirming of your feelings. I think sometimes we’re so apt to you know, like you mentioned before you kind of push away those feelings or you sweep them under the rug or you just kind of push them away like I’m not sad. I’m not angry, I’m not all of these things, I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious, whatever. We have these feelings and to have somebody say, yeah, this really is hard. And this is horrible. This is devastating. That helps us emotionally when somebody validates what I’m feeling.

Angelica 40:53
Yeah, that’s a great way of putting it. There is this book that one of our friends gave us. Actually, it was a whole family, they pulled together and they got a book, and then they got a little bunny rabbit. For Pippa, it looks like the bunny rabbit.

Angelica 41:11
It’s called the Rabbit listened. It’s the story about this little boy who had built up this tower with blocks. Then this, you know, this flock of black birds came down and knocked it down. He’s just sitting in the midst of this beautiful thing. Various animals are cutting through. You know, the bear says I want to be angry about it, you know, let’s be angry. But even the little boy doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to be angry at that point. So it just goes through these animals. At the end, it has a little bunny rabbit who just sits there. And then just comes and sits next to me a little bit quietly until the little boy is ready to say something. Then eventually the little boy doesn’t want to be angry, a little boy does not want to talk about what he remembers, and he doesn’t want to be sad if he tells him what to hide. The little rabbit is just sitting there just listening. So it’s a good reminder to me to do that for the other people in my life. Because I’m not the only one who lost someone.

Angelica 42:17
You know, my parents and Nick’s parents lost a grandchild. Our siblings lost a nephew.

Winter 42:25
Yeah.

Angelica 42:27
You know, our close friends. We always refer to them as aunts and uncles. I mean, they may well have lost a nephew as well. And, they all have really complex feelings around them. So, you know, no one can be together. And even though you’re not experiencing things the same way. You can be together and it helps so much.

Winter 42:50
Yeah. That grace that you give others as well. Is really important.

Angelica 42:57
Yeah.

Winter 42:58
So important because it’s really easy to forget that there are other people that lost someone important to them, too. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that just reminded me of my in-laws, who they love. They love our son so much. And they have expressed that. So that’s a good, that’s a good reminder. This has been a really wonderful conversation. I really appreciate all that you’ve said and shared with us. Is there any last bit of advice that you would like to share with either somebody that is going through this right now, or maybe somebody that’s supporting a lost mom or lost dad?

Angelica 43:44
Lost parents I would say, just be gentle with yourself. There is no wrong you’d agree. And anything for anybody, anybody whose parent has lost a baby or somebody who’s trying to support them to reach out, just continuing to continue to reach out for those resources. For those people who can help you there are so many wonderful ways that you could help each other through it. You know, when you’re ready, those resources will be there.

Angelica 44:23
You don’t have to go to a support group right away. You don’t have to start searching for other lost parents trying to grant yourself right away. But when the day comes that you feel like you’re ready they’ll be there. Those organizations will be there. There are actually support groups for families for family members. One of them is through the Star Legacy Foundation. They have a monthly meeting for grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, people who just want to be there. Just keep reaching out because for as lonely as this feels, you’re not alone.

Winter 45:16
Thank you so much Angelica, that’s some very good advice.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: advice, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: advice, stillbirth

Celebrating Her Baby After She Died | How Mom Tiffany Has Mourned

February 7, 2022 by Winter

Mom Tiffany talks about how she has both grieved and celebrated the short life of her sweet daughter Khyana, who was born at 26 weeks and died four days later due to an infection because of a hole in her bowel. She talks about how grief is not linear and the many ways she celebrates her daughter.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

00:00 Welcome
04:42 Celebrating 1st birthday
07:53 How Tiffany’s relationship changed with her then-boyfriend
08:51 What not to say to a loss mom
10:54 Grief is not linear
12:12 What she does to honor her daughter

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen to Tiffany‘s birth episode of daughter Khyana: Click here
  • Watch/listen Bianca and Michael share their experience of delivering their son Jalen: Click here

Wanna help?

  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.

Mentioned links

  • How 2 Survive Loss Facebook
  • Amazon link to Book: Celebrating the Life of Your Infant After Death: Ways to Keep the Memory of Your Infant Alive
Baby Khyana in the NICU

Full Transcription:

Winter 0:00
Everybody, welcome. We are so grateful that you are joining us here for another episode of still a part of us. And I am winter and we are so grateful you’re here.

Winter 0:09
I just wanted to do a really quick warning that there are a lot of triggers in this conversation, this interview that we’re going to have today with Tiffany. So please just keep yourself safe and healthy. If this is not a good time for you to listen to this, please do not listen to this episode.

Winter 0:25
If you are a lost mom or lost dad, feel free to subscribe. We want to make this community a place that people can find support and help. So once again, we want to welcome Tiffany. We were able to hear the birth story of her daughter Khyana. If you haven’t checked that out, please jump on over and listen to that episode, or watch that episode as well.

Winter 0:45
So Tiffany, welcome again. Thank you so much for coming on today.

Tiffany 0:48
Thank you for having me.

Winter 0:49
A little bit of context. Can you tell us how long ago Khyana was born and when she passed away?

Tiffany 0:55
She was born– next month it will be three years. She was born on May 23, 2018 and passed away May 27, 2018.

Winter 1:05
So she lived a short four days, but four really impressionable days for you I’m sure.

Tiffany 1:11
Yes.

Tiffany 1:12
It’s been three years. How did grief look like for you in those first early days, those first few months?

Tiffany 1:18
I was grieving– well it first happened I was devastated. Afterwards it’s been a switch. It is on and off certain moments are more painful than others.

Tiffany 1:30
In the beginning I went to– I think the day after actually went to a grocery store with my boyfriend. We went in there, but it was around the holiday period. So there were so many children and babies. I sat in the car and cried. As soon as we got to the car I cried. I ran to the car. I couldn’t do it. Just being in the grocery store with all the kids and families.

Winter 1:53
Isn’t that amazing? You’re like there’s a lot of kids here.

Tiffany 1:56
Yeah. Usually that’s something I don’t care about because I love dealing with kids. I work with kids sometimes. Well, not as much here, but when I was in the states. I worked with kids more. My mom owns a daycare in Georgia. So every time I come back to Georgia even now when I come back to Georgia it doesn’t bother me to go see the kids play with the kids and stuff. Children don’t usually bother me, but around that time period it did.

Winter 2:20
Well, I think it’s so raw and new for you, too, have just had that loss. So yeah, of course it wouldn’t be so hard. How has it looked as you’ve gotten farther away from her birth and death?

Tiffany 2:33
It is still up and down, but it’s better. I guess I got used to as I can handle it more now. The month of May hits me the hardest. Mother’s Day, the day she was born, the day she died, is all in the same month. So the month of May hits me the hardest. Other months are here nor there and it is always in the back of my mind. But for the most part I at least seem okay. I learned to live with my new normal.

Winter 3:03
Yeah, yep. That’s exactly what it is. It’s a new normal, isn’t it? You’re like, Hi, I guess I’m a different person now.

Tiffany 3:10
Yeah.

Winter 3:10
What does healing look like for you? Has there been anything that’s been super helpful for you to kind of process your grief? Is there anything physical that you have that you try to hold on to to remember her?

Tiffany 3:25
I have her molds. They’re supposed to be coming. I had my stuff shipped from Turkey to here. So that was in the shipment, it’s supposed to be here soon hopefully. I really miss them.

Winter 3:38
Yeah.

Tiffany 3:40
I got necklaces as well. I have pictures of those. But I have necklaces that people gave me. Some of them have her name on them. Some of them have angels on them. I adore it. It’s like four of them and I adore all of them.

Winter 3:52
I’m wearing my necklace too. So that’s exactly what you do. things to remember your kids by.

Winter 3:58
I just wanted to point out if you are unfamiliar, Tiffany is currently in Japan right now. So that’s why she’s having her stuff shipped. She just barely moved there about a month ago, right? A month or two ago.

Tiffany 4:09
Yeah.

Winter 4:10
So if you’re wondering what that’s about, because I was like Turkey? You had your stuff shipped from Turkey. I’m sure that was the stop on the route over to Japan. So what is your go to thing that you tried to do to sit and remember Khyana? To kind of mourn her. Was there anything in particular you did early on, or maybe even now that you do to help with that?

Tiffany 4:35
Early on, like right after she passed away. We did have a celebration of life cookout, which took place in Georgia, my hometown. After that every year I usually do something. Her first birthday, I got a little cake with a candle on it, and had some food just for me and my boyfriend at the time. Last year, I actually had a small event with brownies, jello shots, cake, games, stuff like that. I had several people over. This year because I just moved here, I’m not really sure what I want to do yet.

Winter 5:15
Yeah, cause you’re just there by yourself, right?

Tiffany 5:19
Yeah, I’m here by myself.

Winter 5:20
Yeah, so that’ll be tricky. I know birthdays are hard to maneuver sometimes I feel like. It sounds like you’ve done something to kind of honor her birthday every single year. It sounds like you had a lot of fun actually last year, which is great. Got together with my family.

Tiffany 5:34
Yeah.

Winter 5:36
That is great. Holidays can be so tricky, especially Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day, I feel, is brought with anxiety and some sadness, especially if you’ve had a loss. So yeah, that’ll be hard and that’s coming up here in the next little bit. So I really hope that it goes well, or that you take some time to yourself to remember her.

Tiffany 5:55
I will try to because I used to work on a Sunday. So luckily, I’ll be home. I won’t be at work.

Winter 5:59
I know. Yeah. Breaking down at work is super fun, isn’t it? Did you by any chance take advantage of anything like a therapist or a grief counseling group? Anything like that to help you as you transition from your loss?

Tiffany 6:14
I did see a counselor a little bit afterwards. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to be feeling at the time. Because I was also dealing with the postpartum hormones as well.

Winter 6:26
Oh, yeah.

Tiffany 6:28
At first I was crying because Khyana died. Then I was crying and didn’t know why. I did go see a counselor to make sure that was normal. But I didn’t really know what was normal. What was it?

Winter 6:41
Yeah.

Tiffany 6:42
She was like, you know, this is normal that you’re feeling this way. She helped me. I went to go see one once just to make sure everything was okay. She was like, you know, you’re fine. I didn’t– I never took any, me personally, I never took any medicine. I didn’t want to. They offered it when I went back to my doctor’s appointment. They offered me some pills or something else. Like I don’t want to take pills. I just want to let everything pass.

Winter 7:09
Okay, so you were okay, you were okay. Like, you’re just like, I’m gonna just cry it out. Or I’m going to feel all the feelings or I’m going to– that’s kind of what it sounds like. You ‘re trying to like, I don’t want to take anything to suppress any emotions?

Tiffany 7:24
Or numb me out, or something that you have to take forever. I mean, just me personally, I just didn’t want that.

Winter 7:30
Yeah. And I think it’s obviously different for everybody, especially with postpartum people. Some people obviously struggle with that. They may need some medication, but it sounds like you were like, I’m gonna, I’m just gonna ride this out.

Tiffany 7:44
Yeah, it wasn’t as bad to the point where I tried to hurt myself, or hurting myself or anything like that.

Winter 7:50
Good.

Tiffany 7:50
It never made it to that point.

Winter 7:52
Okay, gotcha. It sounds like your boyfriend at the time. He was there along with you. Was he struggling also with the loss?

Tiffany 8:00
He was struggling, but it was more in a different way than I was.

Winter 8:04
Yeah.

Tiffany 8:04
I guess he needed to constantly see me sad about it. I know he feels sad as well. But he just dealt with it in a different way.

Winter 8:12
We’re all different. So I mean, so he was just dealing with it a little differently. Did that change your relationship at all? When you guys were navigating? After her death?

Tiffany 8:23
It did. It changed a lot. Um, I won’t discuss the details. But there was other things going on that eventually broke up. I eventually left and I moved to Turkey.

Winter 8:34
Yeah. Okay.

Tiffany 8:36
A year later.

Winter 8:36
Gotcha. I think it does change relationships. It’s tricky. It’s super tricky. So tell me, was there something that somebody did for you? And or said to you, that was really super helpful as you’ve navigated this?

Tiffany 8:50
Yes, actually, they did. Someone told me once because a lot of people– sometimes people say dumb things. They don’t know what to say. Instead I’m so sorry this happened to you. They try to find a reason that it happened to you. I don’t really like that at all. You wouldn’t be doing this if she was still alive, or she would have been in a ton of pain and stuff like that. Or you don’t want her to be in pain. I’m like yeah I don’t want her to be a pain. And I didn’t want her dead. I want her to be alive and healthy.

Winter 9:23
Yeah.

Tiffany 9:23
It is one of those things. Yeah, I hate that kind of stuff. Even in terms of my job in Turkey. I got a position in Turkey to work there. People are like well, someone said to me, you wouldn’t be going to Turkey. You know if your daughter was still here. It hurt. It hurt.

Winter 9:44
Yeah.

Tiffany 9:44
But you have to sit back and realize that people say dumb things when they don’t know what to say.

Winter 9:52
Yeah.

Tiffany 9:53
To try to make it make sense when it doesn’t really make sense at all.

Winter 9:55
Yeah, exactly. You’re just like, you don’t need to make an excuse. I mean, you don’t need to have a reason for things. I think people try to reason things out because they don’t know how to come to terms with it. So they like you said they do and say dumb things sometimes. So what would you encourage people to say to you if you had a loss

Tiffany 10:16
To say I’m so sorry that happened to you. What can I do for you, or I mean, a lot of times even a gift card. Or just giving them something to eat, or just come in and check in on them and sitting with them.

Winter 10:28
That’s huge.

Tiffany 10:29
Yes, huge, there is no need to, try to rationalize it.

Winter 10:34
Oh, I like that. There’s no need to rationalize that. Crappy stuff just happens. She was born at 26 weeks that will be tough physically on her regardless. So I guess throughout all of this, have you had any lightbulb moments about life and death or things that you have realized about grief or loss that you’d like to share with our audience?

Tiffany 10:54
I thought grief was more, I guess, linear. Like, you’ll be okay. Like that. It’s not like you reverse back to certain stages. Grief is just like, Okay, I’m sad, and now I’m over it. It is more like, Okay, I’m saying, I’m okay now. I think I’m in a decent area. Okay, now, this isn’t working. This holiday happened, or this month that happened. Now I’m sad again. So it’s not like a linear thing. You’re still gonna have moments where you sit back and you think, or you’re upset that it happened, like, it’s happening over again.

Winter 11:28
That’s the thing that’s so surprising, because you just think that okay, I pass through the anger phase. Okay, I pass through this phase. I’m done. I’m done with those. I should be fine. No, yeah, it’ll come right back to you. So that is a good a-ha moment. I think that is probably what I would say that was the key takeaway from this. So I want to know what you do or have done in order to honor Khyana. What are some things that you have done to remember her to celebrate her to kind of keep bringing her up? Because I know a lot of people still like to talk about their kids, even though they’ve passed on. In fact, this is the reason why we started this podcast and this channel is so that people could talk about their kids. So what are you doing to celebrate her?

Tiffany 12:12
Besides the parties and stuff? I always try to keep her memory alive in my house. I think it is definitely shifting. But I actually had like a magnet in my freezer or refrigerator with her on it.

Winter 12:26
Oh.

Tiffany 12:27
Yeah. I hope it is in my shipment because I really miss it. I can get another one, but I really miss that one. But yeah, that was amazing, I try to keep her memories alive by pictures and stuff. I still have some I need to set up that just got here. But yeah, it’s things like that. I’ve also made a Facebook page, it’s called Rise up, Surviving the loss of your infant. And I’ve also written a book called Celebrating the life of your infant after death. It is basically a way, or ways that you can celebrate your child after they’ve passed away.

Winter 13:06
That is great. So let’s dive into the Facebook group. Is that just a Facebook community that people can go to and kind of interact with each other kind of a community page?

Tiffany 13:18
Yeah. So more of a Facebook page at the moment.

Winter 13:21
Okay, awesome. So I can put a link in the description in the show notes. Then this book, so what inspired you to write that? When did you write that?

Tiffany 13:31
I wrote this and published it in October 2020.

Winter 13:36
Okay.

Tiffany 13:37
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Winter 13:38
Oh, yeah.

Tiffany 13:40
That’s when I did that. I wrote it because I tried to incorporate ways to celebrate Khyana after she passed away. I know some people sometimes will think it is weird when I throw the celebrations I’ve had because they’ve never heard of that before. I never heard of, oh, you’re celebrating your daughter’s life every year. They never heard of doing that. They think people just sit in a corner and say it on birthdays or whatever, but I celebrate every year. I’m like, Okay. I’m sure other people want to celebrate as well. So I decided to write a book on ways to celebrate your infant, your child’s life after they passed away.

Winter 14:20
That would be really nice to have a stash of ideas to go through because sometimes you’re like, oh, what am I going to do this Christmas, or on their next birthday? So October is pregnancy and infant loss Awareness Month. So that’s kind of cool that you decided to do that. Publish it at that time. So have you been working on it for quite some time?

Tiffany 14:42
Yeah, I’ve been working on it for a while. On and off for a while.

Winter 14:46
Yeah.

Tiffany 14:46
It ended up being the day. I think it was October 1, where I was able to publish it on Amazon. It’s also on Pay help as well.

Winter 14:55
Okay, great. I will put some links in the show notes as well as in the description box below. I think that’s great because we need resources, we need resources, right? This is a place that we both probably didn’t expect to find ourselves in, and having experienced it. We just don’t ever know like I’m always surprised when people are like, I didn’t think I was going to be this young and planning a funeral you know. Those are things that you just don’t think that you’re going to do in your mind’s eye of what your life is going to look like. So, having those resources is great.

Winter 15:29
So thank you so much for sharing that I will like I said, please check out the links in the show notes and in the description box below. So you are going to be navigating this next you’re gonna have Mother’s Day here and her birthday and her death date. You’re not quite sure how that’s going to look, do you have any ideas of how you’re going to celebrate it talking about ideas of how to celebrate or honor your child’s life.

Tiffany 15:53
I’m thinking about just going somewhere in Japan, and having her cake or just having a few people over and just having maybe a small party. There’s also things you can make that I’ve made as well. I might do that again to wear her name on it.

Winter 16:09
Okay.

Tiffany 16:10
There’s ways to celebrate or remember her every year.

Winter 16:13
That’s great. I love birthdays. So I think that’s something to look forward to.

Tiffany 16:17
I do too.

Winter 16:17
Yeah. Even though it has a little bit of a sad memory to it. Do you also celebrate her death date? Does that make sense? Like, I know that they’re two different days. I know some people try and they don’t focus so much on the death day, but more for the birthday.

Tiffany 16:31
That’s basically what I do. I don’t do anything for the death day. I just celebrate her birthday.

Winter 16:38
Yeah. Okay. Well, Tiffany, I have really appreciated the time that you have given us today. It’s been delightful talking to you. Do you have any last piece of advice that you would like to give any other lost moms or lost dads? Or if you have any advice to give to somebody that supporting a lost mom or lost Dad?

Winter 16:55
Yes, I do want to say to the people who lost their child or children, don’t take offense. Try not to take offense. When someone says something to rationalize your child’s death. That’s not something that they mean. Most of the time. It’s just something they tried to say to make you feel better, even if it makes you feel slightly worse. To people who’re supporting someone who’s lost a child. Please just tell them that you’re sorry, don’t try to rationalize anything. Just try to be there to help them.

Winter 17:27
Thank you so much for coming on and talking about Khyana.

Tiffany 17:30
Thank you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: advice, early neonatal infant death (<7 days), infant death, podcast episode

Our Experience Losing Our Stillborn Son During COVID-19 Pandemic | ADVICE

February 3, 2022 by Winter

Parents Bianca and Michael share their experience of delivering their stillborn son Jalen during the restrictions of the COVID-19 pandemic. They also share things that have helped them grieve and mourn and celebrate their son, who was stillborn at 20 weeks and 6 days. They also share some helpful things that people did for them, who were supporting them, and they also share what NOT to say to a parent who has just experienced a stillbirth.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

0:00 Jalen
1:30 They knew
2:23 Only three weeks
5:40 Memory Table
6:23 Necklace
8:18 the weirdest places
11:20 Virtual Counseling Group
14:28 Journal
15:15 Jalen’s brother
17:01 Due date
18:02 Things not to say
19:40 You have two others
21:01 “Vacation”
25:33 Are you okay?
27:25 Prayers
28:12 Triggers
30:33 Last piece of advice

Wanna help?

  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen Michael’s (Bianca’s husband) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
  • Watch/listen Bianca’s (Michael’s wife) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
Baby Jalen

Full Transcription:

Full Transcription:

Winter  0:00  

We are back today with both Bianca and Michael on our advice episode for Still A Part of Us. I just want to say thank you again, Bianca and Michael, for telling your son Jalen’s story to us today. That was super special. We really- I, it was very emotional. I’m grateful that you are willing to come on so soon after his passing. So thank you. Thank you again, for coming on.

Michael  0:27  

Thank you.

Winter  0:27  

As to give some context to our listeners, when was Jalen born?

Bianca  0:32  

So Jalen was born on February 1st of 2021.

Winter  0:36  

That, at the time of this recording everybody, that was just a little over a month ago. So this is very new for them. This is very, very raw for them. So thank you so much for coming on. It’s been just a little over a month. Tell me how that has been. As you guys have moved throughout your regular normal routines. How has that been to try and get back into life?

Bianca  0:59  

For me? Um, it’s been very challenging. I do have my days of feeling down and defeated and feeling hopeless. Then I have my days where they’re good days, and I’m able to smile. 

Winter  1:16  

Yeah. How about you, Michael? 

Michael  1:18  

For me, every day is different. One day, I can be perfect. The next day seems like I don’t want to do anything. 

Winter  1:25  

Yeah.

Michael  1:25  

It seems like me and Bianca are just staring at the wall constantly asking why.

Winter  1:30  

Yeah. 

Michael  1:30  

Every time we turn around it seems like we have to tell someone new our story because they knew we were expecting another one. Or just they’re asking, which I understand they are asking a lot of questions. But sometimes it’s just like, I can’t, I could just tell you the A through Z, but I can’t tell you the rest of the alphabet, right now. 

Winter  1:50  

The why yeah. 

Michael  1:50  

It’s just too hard. 

Winter  1:51  

Yeah, that’s probably the worst part. I think when people are like, so happy. They’re so happy for you. And they are expecting to hear good news. And you have the complete opposite. It’s because they feel terrible about asking the question, I’m sure you’ve seen that before. And I’m wondering, did you guys take some time off from work? It sounds like Bianca, you’ve been working from home. So were you able to take any time off any sort of maternity leave or FMLA or anything like that?

Bianca  2:23  

So I was able to take three weeks off. One week for the surgery. 

Winter  2:31  

Oh, okay. 

Bianca  2:32  

Which was before, 

Winter  2:33  

Right. 

Bianca  2:34  

I had Jalen, and then two weeks after I gave birth I had off. So I have three weeks total. In the state of Massachusetts. I didn’t qualify for maternity leave, because my baby was under 24 weeks, and he was not born alive. Had he been born alive. I would have qualified, but because he had passed before he was born, we didn’t qualify. 

Winter  2:34  

Oh.

Bianca  2:46  

I did not get- I only got the three grievance days. Then everything else was basically like PTO. 

Winter  3:11  

Oh, that is a– that’s a punch in the gut, isn’t it?

Bianca  3:18  

It was. It really was because it’s like you’re already going through enough. It’s like, I gave birth but yeah, my baby is not here. Right. You would think they would have something in place for situations like that. Yeah, so you’re still going through the same process as a mother that had given birth to a baby that was born alive.

It’s just that, you know, our babies were born sleeping and we’re still going through the same, the same feeling of lactating and you’re going, you’re going to be still bleeding and you’re still going to the physical pain. Your body just went through a traumatic experience. You just gave birth and I’m going to have the same feelings of like, you know, body wise. 

Winter  4:13  

Yeah.

Bianca  4:14  

I still need time to heal. So, I just didn’t understand that whole concept of like, what they thought it was like, just because he wasn’t born alive. You know? That was hard for me. 

Winter  4:28  

Oh, it is. It feels like such an injustice. You’re just like, I don’t have a baby to have this justified. Yep, the bleeding and the lactating. It’s just It feels like a second- It’s just a second hurt to it all. I’m assuming Michael, you probably weren’t able to take any time off either or, you know, didn’t qualify for any additional bereavement time?

Michael  4:58  

I didn’t- I did not. So, when I told my boss what happened on that Sunday, she immediately said take the week, don’t even show up. Don’t worry about anything. We’ll take it from there. I wanted to take longer, but since Mass. didn’t see it as worthy for paternal. She’s going to take her maternity leave. I felt like I had to go. I wasn’t fully mentally there. 

Winter  5:24  

Yeah. 

Michael  5:24  

But I had to be the one to go back to work.

Winter  5:28  

Since you guys have been. It’s just been so recent. And I realized that you will develop other things that you do to kind of celebrate Jalen’s life. But what have you guys done so far to honor him?

Michael  5:40  

The memory table that we have in his memory is huge. It feels like my stuff just got pushed off to the side now. He’s just, he’s everywhere. I’ve got clothes. I’ve got Build a Bear bears around here. Those candle lights that you just hit with the light and it will come on, pictures hanging everywhere. 

Winter  6:01  

Yeah. 

Michael  6:02  

He really seems like he’s here with us. 

Winter  6:05  

That’s great. I think that’s awesome. That’s in your room is that right? 

Michael  6:10  

Yeah. 

Winter  6:10  

So and then, if you didn’t get to hear what they have on their memory table, and like in their memory box, you should listen to the birth episode that Bianca and Michael have talked about. It sounds like you guys have kind of a little a lot of tokens. You also have necklaces that you guys wear. Can you describe the necklace a little bit more?

Bianca  6:32  

Yep. So it is a mom holding a baby or cradling a baby in her arms. Then it has some diamonds. It’s a heart shape. 

Winter  6:42  

That’s awesome. 

Bianca  6:43  

And it’s actually like you can put ashes in it. Oh, so it’s like an urn. 

Winter  6:48  

Yeah. 

Bianca  6:49  

I don’t want to touch the- I don’t put the ashes in it. Because he was so little. 

Winter  6:54  

Yeah.

Bianca  6:55  

I don’t want to tamper with his urn that we already have. 

Winter  6:59  

Right.

Bianca  7:00  

So I just wear this in remembrance of him. And I leave his ashes alone. 

Winter  7:00  

Yes. 

Bianca  7:06  

Yeah. I don’t want anyone touching that.

Winter  7:10  

Yeah, I wouldn’t either. I would be like, no, no, don’t nope. Don’t mess with my son. You guys work? You have two children. I’m sure you’re quite busy. But how do you take time to set aside some time to mourn because it is so new and so raw? And so it’s just so terrible. I’m just curious to know how you guys are handling the grieving process.

Michael  7:36  

Really, whenever I guess we find time, or that sucks, but that’s more or less like we’ll do it when we’re cooking. When we’re just laying in bed not really doing anything. It sucks. Because when you’re when you don’t want to mourn is when you’re more like she’ll wake up at 3am crying and I’m like, I guess I’m up with you. 

Winter  7:57  

Yeah.

Michael  7:58  

Consoling you. It just happens very randomly. We I want to mourn and it’s like, okay, I guess I’m not right now. 

Winter  8:07  

Yeah.

Winter  8:07  

I’m gonna be doing something like, oh, here we go.

Winter  8:09  

Yeah. Isn’t that so funny? I did not expect that to be starting to cry right in the middle of the grocery store or whatever. Right?

Michael  8:16  

Right, right.

Bianca  8:18  

Yeah. So for me, it comes in like, the weirdest times like, it just comes out of nowhere. Like, it just hits me. I can be working and I’m fine. I was just laughing and then I get so emotional. I think seeing baby boys is very triggering for me. I will see a baby boy and then I’m just like, gosh, like, get it together, get it together. Then we have because of this whole COVID thing, we have to wear masks going out. So it’s like I’ll have my mask on, but you can see tears coming down like trying to wipe my face.

But it’s so hard. Seeing like, baby boys or going into a Walmart or Target and I’m only supposed to go grocery shopping. Then you know, the baby aisle is right there. So like you’re, you see the stuff and you’re like, man, this is just I didn’t think it was gonna be this hard. But even this is probably why I don’t go out anymore.

Like I try not to leave the house and go to stores. I’ll just order online because seeing baby things is very emotional for me, especially after a long day of dealing with the kids. Once I have time to like, wind down, my mind starts wandering. Then I start to feel myself thinking and asking myself why, or that it should be different. 

Michael  9:44  

It’s really hard going places. She has her appointments that she has a follow up for postpartum. Unfortunately, I can’t go but when the doctor calls I say listen, she can’t sit in the waiting room with pregnant women. You’re going to have to –When she’s outside, she can call but she has to bring her in back door front, straight into the room. I don’t care how it happens, but you can’t, she can’t sit in there. 

Winter  10:08  

Oh, that is actually a great piece of advice too, because it really is a trigger like it is. It is so hard to see all of those things that just remind you that you’re not pregnant and that you lost a baby. And it is, that is a really smart idea, Michael, good job. You look. Good job standing up for your wife. Like that’s awesome.

Um, you did mention that you have Bianca go to or, quote unquote, go to I’m assuming zoom meetings for like a counseling group. Do you attend Michael too or is it? I’m not sure. Is it just for mom or dad also? 

Michael  10:48  

I attend. I’m not on the camera. I’m sitting there next to her. 

Winter  10:51  

That’s great. 

Michael  10:53  

I wasn’t not fully there yet ready to sit, or tell my side of the story because not most men don’t. 

Winter  11:01  

Yeah.

Michael  11:01  

But I am there with her.

Winter  11:04  

That’s great. Well, just some of the stuff I at least for the counseling groups that we’ve gone to has been, they just bring up things to think about and how you can process it. So I think it works. Regardless if you’re on camera or not. 

Michael  11:18  

Definitely 

Winter  11:20  

Bianca what are so of the things– both of you actually, what are some of the things that has helped by attending or listening in on those counseling groups or those grief groups?

Bianca  11:28  

It is, the biggest one for me is that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. I have a very strong support system, I will say that, but for me, it’s like my support, like some of the people in my support system, have never gone through what I went through. So it’s very hard to put yourself in a place where you really don’t know what to say, or how to say it. So I think there’s a theory like, okay, well, the baby’s not here, or everything happens for a reason, right? But my baby, you know, mattered to me.

So I feel like going to those support groups allowed me to feel that it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. I’m entitled to feel how I feel, regardless of what anyone says, because there was some someone that mattered to me, my son mattered. I’m entitled to, you know, express my emotions for him, because it only expresses the love that I had for him. 

Winter  12:36  

Yeah.

Bianca  12:36  

Me crying, and, you know, the pain that I felt was all love. It’s all out of love. And so, you know, if I make you uncomfortable, then I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry, actually. You know, this is how I feel. And you are entitled to feel that way. And I feel like it really helped me also, with, you know, going throughout everyday life and knowing that I’m not alone. Like there’s many other women in this world, that have gone through the same similar, you know, situations and we can all stand together.

Know that, you know, day by day, not gonna say it’s easy, but you know, step by step, it definitely gets easier and bearable, I would say. And manageable. Like I now know, before, like the first couple of weeks, it was just like, I was crying every day. And then I felt like crying. I went longer periods without crying. And you know, I have my days where I completely break down. But it’s manageable. And it’s okay. 

Winter  13:45  

It’s definitely a process. And it’s not linear. It feels like some days you’re like, I’m making some good progress. Then you’re like, oh, just kidding. Next day back to where you started. It feels like so. Right? 

Bianca  13:56  

Yeah. 

Winter  13:57  

Is there anything that you guys do, or have been able to do to kind of physically escape things that you like to do to distract yourself? I’m just curious, because some people like to have an out sometimes because I think grieving, sometimes it feels like you should grieve or cry all the time to feel close to your son. That’s the way I felt actually, when my son passed away. I realized I couldn’t sustain that. I just couldn’t sustain that. So is there anything that you guys do to try and have an out? Give yourself a break? I guess.

Bianca  14:28  

Yeah, I journal.

Winter  14:30  

Oh, good.

Bianca  14:31  

Pen and paper, get my thoughts out whatever I’m feeling in that moment, writing it down on pen and paper and seeing it has helped me. I’m not one to really talk about how I’m feeling because I feel like no one really gets me and they don’t understand what I’m going through in this moment.

So writing it out, I feel like is equivalent to me talking to somebody that gets me. I’m able to say exactly how I feel even if what I’m feeling right now is I’m angry, I will write angry across the paper and put all the reasons why I feel that I’m angry because this is just how I feel in this moment. Then seeing it on paper and letting it out makes me feel so much better because I’m just like, I let it out. And I no longer have that feeling inside of me, you know what I mean?

Winter  15:22  

Yes, for sure. Writing is so therapeutic. And you’re right, I think that there’s– we have a great support system as well. But having somebody that you feel like can understand you is really super important. There’s not very many people that have had the same experiences you have, or I have, and so yes, having a journal, writing it out is super great. 

Bianca  15:45  

Definitely. 

Winter  15:46  

It’s so helpful. How about you, Michael, anything that you do to release, or maybe even just check out for a second? To give yourself a rest?

Michael  15:55  

Yeah, definitely. My son definitely. Does it for me. 

Winter  15:58  

Oh, really? 

Michael  15:59  

Yeah, he’ll say dad,let’s go watch something.? Dad, can we go here? Dad let’s go play together. Just anything. I’m just like, okay, I appreciate you. Even though he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. 

Winter  16:10  

Yeah.

Michael  16:10  

He definitely-

Winter  16:11  

-Is helping

Michael  16:13  

 He draws my mind somewhere else. So that definitely, definitely helps.

Winter  16:16  

That’s great. You guys, you got a buddy right there. Taking care of you, for sure. You guys have talked about when you had his funeral, you actually went to a park afterward and did a balloon release. You’ve talked about Valentine’s Day, because that was the first holiday right after he passed away. And you guys wrote a letter to him or wrote cards to him for somebody that was far away. Like, I really loved that sentiment.

What other things are you guys going to try to do to celebrate? I know that that’s, I mean, there’s still a lot of things that are coming up. But you know, you do talk about his due date, and there will be a first birthday and there will be, you know, all of these things that are coming up. Have you guys thought through any more things that you’d like to try and do?

Bianca  17:01  

So for him, for my due date, which is coming up on June 14, I want to get away, like, we’re gonna plan a little family vacation that weekend. 

Winter  17:16  

Good. 

Bianca  17:17  

My due date is on a Monday. We’re gonna try to go away for the weekend. Like, even if it’s like Saturday through Monday, or something just to be away and be with each other. Because it’s definitely going to be hard. We may do like a balloon release for him. And like, you know, I know, we were gonna do family photos together.

I was planning on bringing his little urn to include him in there. Probably like a balloon for him. Like, just to, like, keep him in our memory. I don’t know, it’s gonna be tough, but I feel like it definitely, it’ll be worth it. It’ll be something that we can remember him by.

Winter  18:02  

Yeah, those holidays, you will, you will find are tricky. They can be just going to warn you Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Those are tricky. So just kind of keep that in mind if you approach them. Bianca and Mike, these are questions I like to ask every single episode of the advice, because I think a lot of people that are supporting lost moms and lost dads want to know what to say and what not to say.

So is there anything that you would recommend people maybe not say in that has or something that somebody said to you that maybe hurt you that you were like, oh, that was probably not the best thing to say. So something that they shouldn’t say? And then if there’s anything that you really liked, that somebody said to you that you’re like that that was helpful, that helps me get through this?

Bianca  18:53  

Yeah, so for me, I would say the one thing that I hated the most was telling me everything happens for a reason, because you’re telling me this, but I can’t grasp the concept, or the reason behind why it happened. I get it, and I understand a lot of people don’t know what to say.

I’ve told many people if you don’t know what to say, just don’t say anything. Just give me a hug. You know, like, um, that would be the best thing you can do for me, but I’ve had everything happens for a reason, or at least you weren’t far along. 

Winter  19:35  

Oh.

Bianca  19:36  

Don’t say that. You don’t say stuff like that. 

Winter  19:39  

Yeah.

Michael  19:40  

For me the one that kicked me was at least you have two others. 

Winter  19:44  

Oh, yeah. 

Michael  19:46  

That was a real like, don’t taunt me to choose who– which kid is more important to me. 

Winter  19:54  

That’s a great way of putting it. 

Michael  19:56  

Yeah, I don’t need that. I also think people should just listen. So when I told everybody she was pregnant, every time someone asked me how she was or like what happened? Like she gave birth and they immediately said, congratulations. Then I’d be like, it was- hold on it was it was a stillbirth.

That one hurt me the most because I got it all the time because people are like, oh, we went to the hospital and everybody knew I was in the delivery ward. Everyone was oh, congratulations. I’m like, it wasn’t like that. 

Winter  20:29  

Yeah. 

Michael  20:30  

I think people should just really listen, let the person get out what they want before you start giving out, congratulations.

Winter  20:37  

Yeah. 

Bianca  20:38  

It’s just like, even with the asking of the questions. It’s like, it’s okay to talk when you’re ready to talk. You don’t have to just because someone asked the question, you don’t necessarily have to answer, you can just say like, you know, I’m not ready to talk about it right now. I got that a lot. I went back to work after three weeks. And it was like, oh, congratulations. And it’s like–

Michael  21:01  

Or someone saw that she was out for a while. She was really out two weeks. When she went back that Monday, someone said “How was your vacation.” It completely took her. She was done. It was another week after that. So that’s why she was out for three weeks.

But yeah, so I think people should definitely just listen, because when they said that to her, and she called me, I can tell it broke her the little bit of traction she gained or tried to recover, or recovery she was kicked back 10 steps.

Winter  21:34  

Yeah, that is devastating. A vacation? Yeah, no, no. This is one thing I’ve noticed in talking to both of you today. I have noticed you guys have been so supportive of each other, you really kind of stick up for each other and are very sweet to each other. It’s been kind of, it’s been kind of cute to watch you guys.

So how would you say you guys are doing? How would you say the other person is doing for this grooming process? Is there anything that you’re concerned about? I know, it’s only been a month. But is there anything that you’re worried about for your spouse?

Bianca  22:06  

I’m worried that Michael didn’t have a chance to grieve just yet. I know he goes through his moments of sadness, of course. But again, guys grieve differently. And he’s so worried about me and trying to make sure that I’m okay that I want him to make sure that, you know, he takes the time he needs for himself to grieve properly.

Winter  22:31  

You guys are just the best, but you’re like you need to take care of yourself. That’s what I tell my husband all the time. So how about you Michael, what do you think of how your wife’s doing?

Michael  22:41  

It’s different all the time. She could be fine for four or five days. Anything as small as a commercial would send her over the edge. I definitely would agree with what was said. I didn’t fully mourn, but when I see her completely breaking down, crying, can’t eat. She didn’t eat after giving birth, she didn’t eat for probably about two weeks.

So I think I go into the, I want to be the defense for I want her to I want her to eat, I want her to rest and I need her to sleep. All doctors are calling , they’re saying, oh, well, let’s just take this depression medication. I’m just like she doesn’t need that just stop trying to force feed something.

Like just give her some time to grieve. It’s only been a month. It’s not like this happened X amount of years ago. So I think I definitely didn’t mourn, but I definitely put her above and beyond my needs to make sure she’s okay.

Winter  23:46  

I’m sure Bianca will appreciate that, or does appreciate that. How much you’re kind of protecting her in a way. So that is very sweet. You should take care of yourself too, though, Michael, I’m just saying. Have you guys had any thoughts about or any a-ha moments about life and death and/or, just your relationship as a couple or your family since this has happened?

Bianca  24:15  

Definitely. Yes, definitely. I now cherish my family even more, because you really never know. You can really be here today and gone tomorrow. Everything will be fine one minute, and then the next minute, everything can change in a heartbeat. So it’s like, now I’m very overprotective, especially with my children.

I find myself saying I love you to those around me a lot more and expressing how I feel because you never know when you’re going to talk to someone again, or when you’ll ever have that chance to say something again. So I try to take in every moment of the day and live in the moment. Rather than trying to Plan ahead now. 

Winter  25:02  

That’s great.

Michael  25:03  

Definitely I agree that we, I was the type of person that if she was like, let’s go to so and so’s house. I’m like, it’s Sunday, I got to work tomorrow. I’m not trying to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. Really. Now, it’s like let’s just go. We need to go see this person we haven’t, or even like, asking someone. Are you okay? I think is big for me. You never know what anybody’s going through. You never know. They might just need that one person to talk to. 

Winter  25:32  

Yeah.

Michael  25:32  

That one person to really just listen. Um, so I find myself asking friends all the time. Like, are you okay? Like, I just need to make sure you are okay. That is what’s big for me.

Winter  25:43  

That is really insightful, Michael. You never know what people are going through? And to just ask, are you doing okay, that is huge. Very good words of advice from both of you. Can I ask just a couple last questions? Was there anything that somebody did for you that really stood out to you? That was very helpful, very special, very touching to you.

I know that Michael, you mentioned that Bianca was like, get rid of the crib, get rid of the stuff. I cannot face it when I come home. And you had somebody do that for you. I thought that right there was huge.

Michael  26:21  

I think someone coming in to pick up the crib, or even someone in general. Just like, hey, I need to do something and they just come fly right in. Picking up the crib was the biggest one because the hardest thing for me to do was to break down that crib. 

Winter  26:35  

Yeah. 

Michael  26:35  

So when they came in, like I called them, he was like, I’ll be there in an hour. They dropped everything that they were doing and came to help us. That was the biggest thing anyone’s really done for us since this whole process started.

Winter  26:48  

Yeah, that’s so kind. They did it before you guys got home right from the hospital?

Michael  26:54  

Yeah, I had to meet him there, but yeah. I wanted to get it out before she even saw it.

Winter  26:58  

Yeah, yeah. And like the fact that he said they’re gonna be there in an hour. I mean, they did drop everything just to help you guys, that was awesome. Having somebody that is willing to help you at a moment’s notice is a lifesaver I think. Any other things that you guys thought stood out to you, that somebody did for you to help you through this? That is helping you through this?

Bianca  27:25  

I would say prayers from those closest to us. Like the random phone calls just to check in to see how we’re doing. I’m just thinking of you and like you’re giving us the, you know, shoulder to lean on, especially in this time, was very helpful. You know, basically just being supportive and just listening. I can call you and you would not even have to say anything, just listen to what I’m saying. 

Winter  27:58  

Yeah. 

Bianca  27:58  

It was very helpful to have those friends that would call and just check in. We can absolutely be our most vulnerable self to them.

Winter  28:11  

Yeah. 

Bianca  28:12  

That was definitely helpful. Receiving flowers for me, was something that just didn’t give me flowers. That was a trigger. 

Winter  28:24  

Really? 

Bianca  28:25  

Yes, every time the doorbell rang, and it would be like a flower delivery, it would break me into pieces. It was a constant reminder of what I just lost. Then flowers die. 

Winter  28:39  

Yeah.

Bianca  28:40  

So, you’re trying to nurture them as I was doing. And then eventually you know, they die. 

Winter  28:48  

Yeah. 

Bianca  28:49  

So it was very hard for me to try to see the flowers and all that stuff. It was very terrible for me. I didn’t like flowers. We got gift baskets with fruit like edible arrangements and stuff like that. Fruit like those were good. Because, you know, like I can, it’s something nutritious to me. 

Winter  29:12  

Yeah.

Bianca  29:12  

And, you know, in that moment of grieving and stuff like that it was very hard for me to eat. So giving someone fruit was more ideal for me. But the flowers were something that broke me down. It was a reminder of when we had to go buy flowers for the funeral. 

Winter  29:31  

Yeah.

Bianca  29:32  

It was a bad reminder. But everything else from like the phone calls to like the sympathy cards and just checking in and you know, being very supportive was very good for us. I definitely encourage people to do that. Especially when they go through a situation like this.

Winter  29:51  

Yeah. It is so nice when it feels like somebody remembers you, especially when you’re like this tragic thing kind of rocked my world. Then after the funeral, everything goes back to normal, right? Everything’s supposed to go back to normal and it’s nice to have people remember you, even to this day. It’s been two and a half years, almost three years since our son passed away, and it feels like I have people still checking in on me, which is a godsend, I think.

Bianca  30:21  

Yeah, definitely.

Winter  30:23  

Yeah. I’m curious to know, if you have any last piece of advice that you feel like, that has really helped you?

Bianca  30:33  

Um, I would say reading. Reading has helped me a lot. I read books on bereavement and books on the loss of a child. That helped me and gave me a lot of insight on the perspective of losing a child. It allowed me to put myself in a different space.

Winter  30:56  

Yeah.

Bianca  30:56  

I really realize that, you know, we’re not the only one that goes through situations like this. And somehow, some way you will get through it. That helped me a lot. Also, taking time out to focus on yourself. I have a lot of self care, even if it’s to just get away, and like, go pamper yourself, like I went and got my feet done, or went and got a body massage. So just like really pampering yourself, and you know, cherishing yourself. It was very hard for me at first because, like I had said, in the birth episode, I blamed myself and my body for failing me throughout this whole process and allowing myself to know that it’s not your fault.

You know, unfortunately, this is something that happened, it’s something that became a part of me, and now it’s my story and who I am today. I’m trying to find the true meaning of Bianca, you know what I mean? And really pick up those pieces and move forward and accept that this is my story. It ends how, you know, I allow it to end. So I have to keep pushing and learn to love myself in a new way, which I’m still learning obviously.

Winter  32:18  

Yeah, that’s, that’s very insightful. You know, you do feel like your body failed you, or something happened, but to take care of yourself. And also just remember your body is also a gift to bring these children into the world. I think that’s good to practice self care. Thank you so much for that. Bianca. Michael, do you have any last piece of advice, or anything that has helped you that you wanted to share before we close up today?

Michael  32:46  

I would say don’t hold in your feelings. While they’re as good or bad. Just tell somebody don’t just keep letting it pile up because it will. You’re doing yourself harm a disservice. Just talk to someone you really trust.

Winter  33:01  

Yeah, people need to remember that. I want to thank both of you for coming on today. I’m so sorry about your sweet Jalen, and I hope that this is a way that he can be remembered.

Bianca  33:15  

Thank you so much. 

Michael  33:16  

Thanks for having us.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: advice, early term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: advice, stillbirth

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We're Winter and Lee Redd. Because of our sweet son Brannan who was stillborn at 38 weeks, we created this place where other moms and dads can share the birth story of their baby that was stillborn or who died in infancy.

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