stillbirth

Mom Bailey tells about how she was shot below the hip in a tragic handgun accident, being 37 weeks pregnant with her first child. Her daughter Hazel died en route to the hospital due to the injuries she sustained because of the gunshot wound. Because Bailey was in stable condition, but starting to labor and in a lot of pain, they performed a C-section. She didn’t get to meet Hazel when she was born because she was in and out of consciousness due to her pain from the wound.

Watch her story here on YouTube:

Listen to the podcast here:

Shownotes:

Pregnancy:

Bailey discovered she was pregnant, when on a whim she decided to take a pregnancy test after watching YouTube videos about different families who were getting pregnant. She and her boyfriend were both shocked.

Despite being pregnant during the COVID-19 pandemic and experiencing morning sickness and weight loss, the baby remained healthy and Bailey received a lot of support from her family. They learned they were having a girl at a gender reveal party. As the due date approached, Bailey and her boyfriend prepared Hazel’s nursery, receiving gifts from a virtual baby shower due to COVID restrictions. They eagerly awaited Hazel’s arrival.

Handgun accident:

Bailey recounts the events of Memorial weekend, where she had maternity photos taken at a lake, despite her initial reluctance to have the pictures taken. The next day, while spending time with her boyfriend and some of their other friends, her boyfriend mishandled a gun and accidentally shot Bailey who was sitting next to him in the bottom of her hip, nicking part of her uterus. Despite initial confusion and attempts to locate the exit wound, Bailey’s primary concern was the well-being of her unborn baby. The EMTs arrived, and her anxiety intensified until she heard that they were able to find Hazel’s heartbeat.

Bailey, at 37 weeks pregnant, was airlifted to a hospital after the accident. In the hospital, they did an ultrasound and discovered that Hazel had died during the transport due to the injuries she sustained from the gunshot wound. The medical team also got x-rays and CT scans to determine the location of the bullet and found that it was lodged in her other leg, the bullet narrowly missing a major artery. Because Bailey was stable, but had started laboring and in a great deal of pain, her study team decided on a C-section to deliver Hazel stillborn. Because she was in and out of consciousness during the C-section, she didn’t get to meet her daughter, but learned that the doctor had placed Hazel on her for skin-to-skin contact before being taken away.

The medical team waited a few days to operate on Bailey further to remove the bullet, which they did successfully. Bailey remained in the hospital for a few more days and had to do rehab in order to walk again.

Funeral:

Returning home was challenging, especially with Hazel’s nursery all set up and ready. Family and friends thought ahead and helped pack everything up before Bailey and her boyfriend arrived home. Bailey with the help of her family started to plan Hazel’s funeral, and Bailey expressed her desire to walk before the funeral. Meeting with the funeral home, they decided on cremation. After the autopsy and before Hazel was cremated, Bailey and her boyfriend were able to spend time with her. She brought meaningful items like her baby blanket and her boyfriend brought his military name tag. During the hour spent with Hazel, Bailey touched her, read to her, and took pictures of her hands, legs, and feet. However, she couldn’t bring herself to look at Hazel’s face, because she was unsure of how she would look from the gunshot wound.

The funeral service was emotional, attended by a supportive community, and Bailey chose to bravely walk down the aisle unaided as a tribute to Hazel.

Autopsy:

After the tragic incident involving the unintentional gun discharge, Bailey was grieving her daughter Hazel’s death and regretting she had not looked at her face when she could. Her sister encouraged her to reach out to the doctor who performed Hazel’s autopsy. When she called the office, Bailey asked if they had pictures she could see and told them her story. She went to the office and discovered that the staff had made a slideshow of pictures, some edited and some unedited, to show to her. Bailey also describes the significance of obtaining pictures from the autopsy, highlighting a special moment where she saw unedited images that provided a more complete and beautiful picture of Hazel, bringing her a sense of closure.

Healing:

Bailey shares the aftermath of the incident, detailing her emotional journey and the impact on her relationship with her then-boyfriend, who was involved in the gun discharge. She emphasizes the challenges in coping with grief, anger, and the strain on their relationship. Bailey discusses her decision not to press charges, the support she received from her family, and the eventual end of her relationship. Over time, therapy, particularly EMDR, played a crucial role in her healing process. Bailey expresses gratitude for the support of friends and family and the podcast that provided solace during her difficult moments.

Time Stamps:

• 00:52 Introduction
• 02:02 Bailey’s pregnancy
• 18:36 Handgun accident
• 25:37 Hospital and Hazel is stillborn
• 42:17 Going home and planning the funeral
• 51:07 Hazel’s funeral
• 57:21 Hazel’s autopsy
• 1:04:34 Healing after

Full Transcription:

Bailey 0:00
Hazel Kay

I always remember her long hair, it was an inch and a half long.

Winter 0:13
Welcome to still a part of us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m winter. And I’m Lea, we

Lee 0:21
are grateful you joined us today. Please note that this is a story of loss and has triggers thanks to

Winter 0:26
our loss parents who are willing to be vulnerable and share their children with us. If

Lee 0:30
you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.

Winter 0:37
Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us. They’re still a part of us.

Welcome to Silla part of us. We are so grateful to have Bailey here with us today to talk about her sweet daughter, Hazel. I am really looking forward to this conversation. I’m a little nervous, to be honest, because of a part of her story that is, is a little tricky. So I’m so grateful for you, Bailey for coming on today. So welcome.

Bailey 1:11
Thank you. And thank you for having me. I’m happy to be here.

Winter 1:14
Yeah. Well tell us a little bit about yourself. Tell us where you’re at and what your family looks like the time that Hazel was born. I

Bailey 1:23
live in a small town in North Dakota. I was just with my boyfriend and I at the time we just got a house. We’re starting jobs were young, 21 years old. Okay.

Winter 1:35
What were you doing for a job? And kind of what maybe what were some of your hobbies?

Bailey 1:40
Um, I was working at a daycare. And it was during COVID. So there wasn’t much going on. Yeah. I love to be in with my family and my nieces and nephews. Yeah.

Winter 1:53
That’s great. And just a little bit of point of reference. How long ago was Hazel born?

Bailey 1:58
She was born three and a half years ago, three and a half

Winter 2:02
years ago. Okay. Yep. So right smack dab in the middle of COVID. You guys I like it’s it’s nuts, talking to people that have gone through the COVID experience and having been pregnant or given birth. So there’s like an extra dose of sympathy from him. Because I just feel like that is hard. It is hard. So. Okay, so you guys were you had purchased a house together? You guys were young living together? And were you planning on getting pregnant? Was that something that was in your? Oh, no. Not at all. Okay, so super surprising. Yes. Okay, so tell me how that went then. Like when you found out? Or? And then did you tell your ex about that?

Bailey 2:46
Um, yeah. So I, it’s kind of a funny story. But I was by myself at the house. And I was just watching some videos on like YouTube. And some, like families that I watch recently, or whatever, and they’re all getting pregnant or whatever. And I was like, oh, that’s like, I don’t know, I just had a random test in my closet. And I was just like, let’s just take it like no signs of pregnancy at all. None. And then get there was

Winter 3:19
no way. Yeah, it

Bailey 3:22
was very shocking. I had no signs of pregnancy. Didn’t even miss my period yet. Like it was. Very soon, obviously. Yeah, completely. Yeah. And then yeah, I called him right away. And it was a shock to us both. We didn’t know how to take it in. We didn’t know what to do. He was working out of town at the time. And I was like, well, there’s always those things of like, false positives. I was like, that could be a thing, right? It was late at night is like 9pm. And I was like, I’ll run to $1. General real quick, because we live in a small town and went to grab a couple more tests took them and sure enough, I was pregnant.

Winter 4:05
I just can’t believe that you just took a test on a whim. Like, you’re like, Man, that is so funny. But yeah, sometimes I guess you get it when you get a feeling you get a feeling about something. Yes.

Bailey 4:15
Oh, yeah. I was not expecting that at all. Yeah.

Winter 4:19
So did you end up telling anybody like

Bailey 4:23
my mom, okay, right away. So by myself, and I was told her I started bawling. And I was like, I don’t know what to do. I’m young. I don’t have like a secure job. I was like, I don’t know how I’m gonna afford this. It’s like a big step in the life. Yeah. And, yeah, it was. And then I called my dad. And I said the same thing to him. And he’s like, we got this. I’ll be there for you. I’ll help you out when you need. You guys will be the perfect parents.

Winter 4:52
Okay, so you got a lot of support. That’s good. Yes, very. Did your boyfriend at the time tell his His family or is he from the same town by the way? Or is

Bailey 5:03
the same town His family lives in town? My family lives like 3045 minutes away. Okay.

Winter 5:09
Okay.

Bailey 5:10
So did you tell them how old? I think one of his parents I want to say his dad. And it was kind of the same thing. Like there’s obviously there’s a lot of anger, like, what did we just do, but also excitement, but also wondering, how are we going to do this? And he has a very supportive family as well. So it’s nice to support our families. Yeah,

Winter 5:35
that’s great. I, it’s always a little tricky. Yeah. When, especially when it’s a surprise, and you’re like, Wait a second. This is not part of the plan right now. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you guys, you’re pregnant? And obviously, like you said, quite early for you not even to notice that. I mean, nothing, had your period hadn’t been skipped or anything. Did you end up like, setting up an appointment with an OBGYN? Did you have a regular OBGYN that you were gonna go see,

Bailey 6:08
actually, my cousin works at the OB GYN in the town. And she kind of knew who to put me with or who to try put me with. I called them and made an appointment. Yeah, I found out in early October. And think I didn’t my first appointment in November. Yeah, I was. I wanted I was by myself. Because my boyfriend at the time was in the National Guard. And he had to leave for some training. Okay. Yeah. The town or the state. And so I went to the appointment by myself. Was

Winter 6:42
that around? It was a kind of early, like, eight, nine weeks or so.

Bailey 6:46
Yeah. Yeah. And my sister came, met me there. And then they did the bedside ultrasound. And they’re like, just the heads up. Like sometimes we can’t always see the heart or hear the heart because it’s it’s so little. And then I remember like, hearing everything go away. And they’re like, Well, you gotta be good. And then, yeah, so that made it feel all real bad. A little bit of pictures there. So I got to send it to my boyfriend. And that was pretty special.

Winter 7:23
Yeah, it is really amazing. Seeing that little. It looks like a little bean with a heart. Yeah. Okay, and then, how are you feeling at the time? I mean, now that it was a little bit farther along, were you starting to feel some of that any morning sickness or any other pregnancy symptoms? Ah, yes,

Bailey 7:42
I got really sick. But, I mean, ever over the sickness, it was all okay. And all other problems going on? So that’s always a plus. Yeah, total. It’s really sick and tired, obviously. But, yeah. And working and doing COVID started. Yeah,

Winter 8:05
I know. I was like, so you because you got pregnant at the very beginning of COVID. Is that right? So early? 2020. I think the United States shutdown in May in March, I think. Yeah, essentially. So. So you guys went? So you’re, you’re going along, and then tell me about how some of these doctor’s appointments are going. Kind of early on?

Bailey 8:28
Um, they’re going really good. I just went in came out because like, the quickest appointments ever,

Winter 8:35
because it was it? Yeah. It’s like, oh, everything looks

Bailey 8:39
fine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And when we came around that 20 weeks, when we were finding out the gender, um, we didn’t want to know, but we wanted to have like a little surprise party. Okay. Yeah. So that was kind of a cool ultrasound getting to see her for the first time, like, up on the big screen, seeing her feet move and her toes and her hands and just her Wiggles. And I remember the doctor kept telling us to, like, look away, and then we can look and then he’s like, I just got to double check. Again, so then we’re like, oh, maybe it’s a boy then. We didn’t know for sure. Yeah,

Winter 9:19
yeah. Okay. That’s, I’ve always kind of wondered how that works. But like, oh, yeah, look away. Yeah, I’m checking things out. Yeah. That’s cool. Okay, so And was your boyfriend able to be there at that appointment? Yep.

Bailey 9:36
Yeah, that was his first appointment coming to and seeing her. Oh, good. Cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Winter 9:41
And how did she look at that time?

Bailey 9:44
Um, good. Any issues they

Winter 9:47
or was Everything looking good with your placenta, everything

Bailey 9:52
was on track. Okay. Awesome.

Winter 9:56
Okay, and then tell me how how things went along with your Your next appointments and anything that you guys did to kind of celebrate Oh yeah, maybe tell me a little bit about your the your gender reveal party. Yeah, it’s always kind of fun to hear this

Bailey 10:10
is kind of funny too. Um, so we went to my sister’s afterwards and I dropped off the little envelope. And I was just wanted to look at it. It’s got to be a surprise for everyone. So put it in their mailbox and we drove off out of town. And what we did was my sister boiled eggs and then color them pink and blue. And then there is obviously a one raw egg. That was pink or blue. And, and so we had a couple of our friends and family over at my sister’s and we had a crack an egg over our head. Our color was cracked. But it’s so fun. Yeah. And I was like, Oh no, like, you get your hair done. You get all prettied up or whatever. And I was like, the egg is gonna crack on me. I just know it. But my boyfriend took one. He took a pink one right away. And there it was. It cracked right away the first one very first one.

Winter 11:19
Yes, that’s perfect, then yeah, it was like, Oh my gosh. Were you guys expecting what? Well, obviously, he grabbed the pink one. So I’m was he expecting a girl? Or was that just

Bailey 11:31
he kind of said, like, I’ll start on this end. You start on this end, and then we’ll meet like in the middle, but I was like, okay, whatever.

Winter 11:39
So are you were you told me? Were you excited for girl? Boy, I

Bailey 11:43
was so excited for a girl. Yeah, but I knew my bank account was not going to be excited.

Winter 11:47
No, girls are expensive. Seriously.

Bailey 11:51
But no, I was excited. Growing up, I always thought it was gonna be a boy mom. So it’s kind of cool to change it around. And then I was like, Oh my gosh, I gotta learn how to do hair. I gotta learn how to do all these things. That so?

Winter 12:07
I know. There’s not

Bailey 12:11
a girly girl. So I was like, Oh my gosh, you’re gonna have to paint her room pink. It can’t be gray.

Winter 12:16
It’s gonna be tough. Yes.

Bailey 12:18
But no, it was so much fun. Oh, good. Yeah. Googled all the things afterwards buying all the things and

Winter 12:25
you just get so it’s so exciting. It’s It is

Bailey 12:29
so exciting. Yeah. And the first girl grandchild on my side,

Winter 12:35
on your side. And that’s so so exciting. Yes. Yeah. Grandparents gets so excited about that kind of thing. Because that they get they get to buy stuff, too. Yes, yeah. When you guys found out that you were having a girl, did you guys start thinking of names? Or did you really have a list kind of go in? Um, names? Yeah. So

Bailey 12:55
we got that. I always want to say it’s like a tinder app, but it’s for names. Like you pick and they pick and then if you guys come together on one, it shows up on your guys’s list or whatever. So we went through that. And I always liked Hazel. It was always a name that was probably on the top of my list or in my list. I use a nanny a little girl. And her name was Hazel. And I always loved it from that second on, I was like, I am going to have a girl name here. So one day,

Winter 13:23
this is sweet. Sweet name is so cute. Yes. And

Bailey 13:27
yeah, we came up with a couple names kept going back and forth. And we picked one I think we picked like a I think we said Delilah right away. And then I was just like, No, I’m just not feeling it. We gotta come up with different ones. And you just go back and forth for more pregnancy. But yeah, we had a couple that we liked. But we didn’t want to tell anybody the name.

Winter 13:46
Yes. Oh, that’s good. Okay. Yeah. Because people have opinions about names. Yes, yes. They’ll shoot you down. You’re like I used to know somebody in high school. They were a jerk. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, awesome. That I think that’s that’s a cute name. Okay, so then the pregnancy is going along at two you had the at 20 weeks you found out well, right. I guess it was about right around 20 weeks. Yeah, that you guys had that. Okay. And then how else how were you feeling the rest of your tell me about any other appointments after that? I

Bailey 14:20
was feeling really good. Until about I want to say like 3435 weeks I started getting really sick. Oh, and throughout my whole pregnancy I dropped 30 pounds. So I never gained I dropped. So how sick I was. I wasn’t able to eat kept going into the ER getting fluids. Oh, no. Yeah. And then I like broke out. And like cold sores all over my mouth one day and I just couldn’t eat or drink anything. So then I had to go in and get flu words and then they sent me up to a different town with a more high risk pregnancy doctor. Okay, and so I went in there and that’s actually where I got the last 3d photos of her. Oh, so they did that. And then I got to see this video of like her hair through the ultrasound you could like see it like standing up?

Winter 15:23
That is cutest. That is the cutest.

Bailey 15:26
Yeah. But then, after all the medications I kind of felt a lot better than I was feeling good again.

Winter 15:33
She it just was like a viral infection or something. Yeah. Oh, that’s no clear. But yeah, yeah, that’s i It’s so tricky. Especially like, you mentioned you were doing COVID and all sorts of other things were popping up to you know,

Bailey 15:48
I thought I had COVID. And then when I was first starting out, you’re like, oh, my gosh, you have COVID Like, it’s a big thing. Yeah.

Winter 15:56
But you didn’t have that it was something else. Yeah. Crazy. Okay. Was, but Hazel was doing okay. Even

Bailey 16:07
the whole time. It was nothing with her. So that’s all I was like, alright, I’ll go through it all. You’re gonna be alright.

Winter 16:13
Yeah. You’re being miserable. I know. Yeah, we do so much for kids, right?

Bailey 16:18
Yeah, for real. And I was pretty much by myself. My boyfriend at the time had an older town job. So he was gone during the week. And so, yeah, there’s a lot by myself, but yeah,

Winter 16:29
that is. Did you take anybody with you though, to some of those appointments like your sister, your mom?

Bailey 16:34
Yeah. My mom and my sister usually came with me. Oh, bigger ones. Yeah, small ones. I just went in by myself, but okay. And

Winter 16:42
okay, so then tell me so that’s around 34 weeks that you got quite sick. Was that like a week or so? Um, how long was that? Second?

Bailey 16:52
Yeah, that was actually probably a couple of weeks. Two weeks. Oh, you

Winter 16:56
were sick a long time? Oh, yeah.

Bailey 16:58
It was it was miserable.

Winter 17:02
No. And then yeah, just tell me as as you go on, tell me what happens.

Bailey 17:07
I went on. Obviously COVID was there. And so places were shut down. We didn’t really hang out with friends. Unless it was like a small gathering in the house or whatever. And then it came to be made. And things were going good. We got her nursery all set for nursery was ready. It was ready to go or babies were packed. Around the 37 weeks. You

Winter 17:36
guys had to you guys probably had a baby shower and everything. Before actually.

Bailey 17:41
I said yeah. My baby shower was going to take place in March. Like right won the pandemic hit so so yeah, I had to have everyone just mail me the gifts. Oh, really

Winter 17:52
had a baby shower. Yeah, darn it. Yeah.

Bailey 17:54
But I just remember like, gifts coming in. And it was like Christmas every day. You walk up to the door and there’s a bunch of packages. Like we’ll take it. Yep. And so I actually just kept all the packages until my like, Baby Shower day. Yeah. And then we opened it up on that day. Oh,

Winter 18:13
yeah. Okay, that’s, that’s, I guess a good enough way to have a baby shower during Yeah. Yeah.

Bailey 18:21
I don’t think we need anything else. Her room is tactful. Okay.

Winter 18:25
So you guys were well stocked, though. I mean, yes. We got a lot of love from family and friends. So that’s great. Yes, very supportive. Okay, so sorry to interrupt here. So everything was packed nursery was ready to go.

Bailey 18:36
Yep. Yep. And it was Memorial weekend. And it was that Saturday, the 23rd. My sister has been begging me to do maternity photos. And I’m not a photo girl. I don’t like being in photos. But she’s like, You need to remember this too. first pregnancy. I was like, Okay, fine. So I got ready, we got ready. And then we headed out to the lake that was only like 20 miles away. And my sisters, and she had this arm land in the back of her like place. And that’s where we just took our maternity photos. And they turned out wonderful. I’m very thankful I have them. And that was the 23rd. And then the next morning was the 24th, obviously, and woke up and I was gonna go out to the lake to see my family again, while my boyfriend at the time went out to a friend’s house out in the country. And so is separated in different ways. And I decided to hide my family and then they were packing up to leave. I was like, oh shoot, like, you’re leaving. So I got to figure out a different thing to do today. And so I said goodbye to them and then I went back to the house and I called up my boyfriend’s like, what do you guys do mean? And he’s like, Well, you can come out here if you want, there’s nothing really going on. I was like, Okay. And then I always remember like going in and out of the house, like, I would go to my car, then I’ll be like, Oh, I forgot my water bottle, like go back in the house, and I come back out. And I’m like, oh, I need to do this. So it’s like those little things that you always remember. Like, were they all signs? I don’t know. But it was just took the felt like forever to get out there. And so I went out there on the country, and a couple of my friends were there, which was nice. So those people to talk to while the boys hung out. And the boys are just talking less girls got bored. So we went driving. And then we came back. And some more people were coming over. And it was kind of a first time like hanging out with friends with the whole COVID going on. Yeah. And so we’re sitting down around the table. And I remember like the topic about guns kept coming up. And which is whatever. And I remember there was a certain thing that they were talking about. And it was like about the grips on a gun. Oh, the grips, do whatever, I’m a gun. And I remember there was a gun brought out it was on the table. And again, talking about the grips or whatever. And then the person next to me, grabbed the gun, looking at the grips, checking it out, or whatever. And like when I say next to me, like we were literally right next to each other. And that’s when all of a sudden I was in shock. And I was in did not know what happened. My ears were ringing. And I knew the gun went off. And I remember just like what is happening, and everyone’s just like, freaking out around the table. And I looked down and I was like, I just got shocked. Oh, and that was neat. So

Winter 22:07
the person that was right next to you had grabbed the gun was just kind of messing with it. Yeah. And it discharged.

Bailey 22:16
It discharged. Yeah.

Winter 22:20
And so where was the where you said it was on the table, but this person had it in their hand or, like, from

Bailey 22:29
the table. And I’m guessing it was on my lap. I think I was talking to somebody else on this side. And then the person next to me was on the other side. So we were talking and then all sudden, it went off. And then you’re just in so much shock right away. And I just remember everybody just freaking out. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Winter 22:52
Where did you get shot? Um,

Bailey 22:55
it was right in my bottom of my hip.

Winter 22:59
So bottom of your hip area and did it go?

Bailey 23:03
It’s like, where are your hip and your leg needs?

Winter 23:05
Yes. Okay. So through there. Yeah. So did it go through? You did? Or was the I’m assuming the bullet was lodged somewhere? Yes.

Bailey 23:16
Well, actually, that’s the first thing that everybody did. They came over and tried to find the exit. Yes. And we couldn’t find it. Couldn’t find it anywhere. I wasn’t bleeding. I wasn’t nothing was happening. That they just couldn’t find it. I remember someone calling 911. Yeah, and were

Winter 23:38
you in pain? I mean, like, I know, you were in shock. Were you Did you feel any pain? I mean, cuz shock can help protect you. For sure. Yeah.

Bailey 23:50
No, not that. I remember. I I wasn’t in any pain until later on when I went into back labor. But no, I know. I they kept telling me I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything. Okay. I remember I was sweating. I started feeling lightheaded. I was starting to like be a thing do you feeling Yeah. And I just like kept telling them what I needed as I need an ice rake. I need this. While they’re still checking me out all over trying to find this exit one and nowhere to be found. And so, obviously, my first thought was my baby. Is my baby going to be okay? And if I go is my baby going to be okay. I did not know what was happening. I didn’t know if I was just gonna be alive for a little bit and then I go, I was like, I just need to know that my baby’s gonna be okay for me to be stronger. In this moment, I just wanted to close my eyes and like go, Yeah, but I kept closing my eyes and then forcing myself to stay awake because I didn’t want to pass out until the EMT came and It was a bunch of them. They came and they brought. I remember a stethoscope and listening to Hazel’s heartbeat. And I could just kept telling me like, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know right now, if you can hear it or not. And then later I was like, I want to know, I need to know if you can hear it. Please let me know if you can’t. And he’s like, I can hear it. I think she’s still alive. Okay. Okay. Okay, we got this, then I was like, I’m going to be strong. We’re gonna do this.

Winter 25:31
And then, can you tell me again? What about week? Are you 3637 3737

Bailey 25:37
was just gonna go in for my next appointment that week. And I was actually going to be asked if I could be induced because my boyfriend at the time was leaving for 80. So they take like, two and a half, three weeks. Yeah. Long content. Yeah. Sounds like for him to be there with her for a little bit. But yeah, I was 37 weeks. And so I was like, well, that’s a good if she was have to be born right now. And if she’s alive, then there’s a possibility that she can make. Yep, she’s full term. And so yeah, I remember the EMTs coming up. Then it was up up on the stairs. So they had to put me on a stretcher, and then carry me down to lifeflight. I remember, like flight flying and meeting us in the driveway. And I kept asking if somebody could come with me. And they kept saying, No, I had to go alone. And then I remember if I need to go to my doctor that I’ve been seen, that is in a different town. But I had to go to the high risk hospital that had better people for please, actions. And so I remember going in there, or into lifelight, I kept asking someone to call my mom. And I just really wanted my mom to be with me. Yeah. And going into lifelight. And just talking to her asking her, like you feel like it’s gonna be forever to get there in the moment takes forever, but it’s just a quick trip. Like, I think it took seven minutes. And yeah, I remember flying and landing on the roof and going in through the door, and then all sudden, there’s a bunch of people, yes, and white, just all ready to go. I want to say there’s like 20 People just waiting for me. And they’ll push me in into this room. And I lay down and there’s a doctor there that was going to do an ultrasound and there’s a nurse by my head that’s just kept saying we’re gonna pray it before we find out and I pray that everything’s gonna be okay. Right that everything’s gonna be alright, and you’re gonna make it and I remember the doctor but the Jelani, but the ultrasound on? And she’s like, do you want to see the screen? Or do you not want to see the screen and I said, I want to see the screen. And so I remember her checking. And obviously it took a while. And then that’s when it hit me that I knew she didn’t make it. There’s no way. And then the doctor brought over another doctor and kept asking if they see anything. And then they push the screen away. And then that’s when it really hit that should not make it. And obviously I’m still in shock. At this point. No feelings are going through me. no emotions, no nothing. I was by myself. I didn’t know what to do. And then they turn the screen back over. And that’s when she said I’m sorry, really, your baby did not make it. And I was like, Okay, and what is the next step? Like I am by myself. This is gonna feel real at the moment. I feel like this is a dream. But I said, Am I going to die? Is there a chance that I’m going to die? And she’s like, we we do not know at this point. I said, she’s like you need to go and get a CAT scan because they said that if she was alive that they were just going to go straight into emergency C section. Yeah. But since she wasn’t they took the time to get the X rays to find more where the bullet was more aware what things were going on inside. And so I remember that I kept going in and out. At this point. There’s the stuff that like I can’t really remember but I remember going into the CAT scan And I kept telling them, they can’t lay on my back. There’s, there’s no way I can lay on my back because I was just in pain. They said it will only be a quick 10 minutes tops like, and I was like, okay, so they helped me out and put a pillow on my back. And then I went in, and they checked it all out. And that’s where kind of like my memory kind of stops. Yeah. Because then I went into emergency C section. I went out, obviously. So I remember a thing about it. And I remember waking up in the room. The doctor was there. And she’s kept repeating me like, What just happened? I lost my baby. And I was still by myself. And I was like, and I was my mom, here is my sister here. Is anybody here? And they said, Yeah, your mom’s here. She can come in. Said, Okay, so it was my mom, my sister, and my cousin that came in. And I didn’t know what they knew, and no idea. But I told them, I said, maybe that make it and I remember my mom saying I know. And that was kind of that was tough. Yeah. Tough knowing that. I don’t know, you get the nod. The blame comes for yourself. Like I was I there? What was I doing? You know,

Winter 31:34
after the CAT scan, they just took you or emergency C section right away. Right? And then did they? Did you get to see Hazel at all? Um,

Bailey 31:45
so right away? No. When the doctor was there that woke me up. Or when I woke up, she was there. She kind of told me that they placed Hazel on my chest and did that. A few minutes of skin to skin before they took her back. So I mean, that is really nice knowing but obviously it sucks not not being there in the moment and not remembering it or singing it or because

Winter 32:15
I mean, most emergency C sections. I mean, yeah, they kind of put you out sometimes and other times you’re I mean, yeah. But I was gonna say they were probably working on you as well. Right? They were sewing you up finding whatever needed. I mean, they need to find the bullet they needed to take care of you. What, what, what was all involved in that surgery to take care of you? Um,

Bailey 32:38
so basically, it was just a C section right now. They found where the bullet was a bullet was actually stuck on my other leg. Oh, well, I went through. I went through my uterus. And then but obviously very low. Yeah, yeah. And then was stuck between two bones on my left leg. Okay. Yeah. And the bullet was they told me it was point five millimeters away from a big artery. Holy cow. That I could have lost it. Yeah.

Winter 33:15
Holy cow. That was Yeah. I say lucky. But that is not. Right. Right word.

Bailey 33:21
I mean, obviously, the scenario I wish I would have went into would have been Yeah, no.

Winter 33:26
Okay, so they did the emergency C section. And, and then you came out again, and then were they going to prep do you prep you for what was gonna have to happen for the rest of the surgeries? And yeah,

Bailey 33:39
so they are? I think since I was doing all right, that they were okay with waiting a couple days before I did think it was two days waiting for my other surgery to get the bullet out. Okay. So we came back into the array was back in the room. And I remember, my boyfriend at the time went to go see a nurse to see if he could see Hazel, okay. And I’m pretty sure he got told No, not right now. And so he came back in. And that’s when the first time that we saw each other again. Then the doctor came in. And she’s like, do you want to see Hazel? Or, actually, I should maybe backtrack a little bit. So it was my boyfriend, my cousin, my mom and my sister. And they said, Do you have a name for her? And I was like, um, I don’t know. And then I looked at my boyfriend at the time and I said, he’s okay. And he said, Absolutely. And so that’s when we named her he’s okay.

Winter 34:52
That’s cool. And where did you get case? I should have asked Is that a family name or?

Bailey 34:56
Yeah, so my sister and my mom. See middle name. Okay, okay.

Winter 35:00
Yeah,

Bailey 35:02
that’s fun. Well, yeah, I named it after them. And then the nurse came in and asked if I wanted to see Hazel. And I said, or something along the line of my boyfriend saying, No, you didn’t want me to see her in the circumstance. And then then there’s

Winter 35:23
he said, No. Yeah, yeah, were you.

Bailey 35:26
And, um, and then I thought about as like, Well, maybe not. I don’t know what happened to her, you know, and has told me nobody has. Okay. Okay. I don’t know, if the bullet hit her. I didn’t know if I didn’t know. I didn’t know thing. Yeah. Um, so I was like, Yeah, I don’t want to see her. And it’s one of the biggest regrets in my life. But so we moved on. And she said, Well, I took some photos of her, just in case you didn’t want to see her. But I took these photos whenever you’re ready, if you want to see them. She just took them on her phone. It was something very special that she didn’t have to do. But she did. Yeah. And I said, Yes, I would like to see them. And so I think I backtracked a little bit.

Winter 36:21
Yeah, that’s Oh, no, that’s okay. No, it’s totally fine. I think that is we, I wanted, we should definitely spend some time on what you did with hazel, or what your decisions were with hazel? Because that’s like the Yeah, it’s important.

Bailey 36:35
Yeah. So obviously, we’re grieving together. And we had family come in throughout the night, it was a long night of just our immediate family come in right away. Yeah. And obviously, COVID going on, right away, I only could have one person, and then they bumped it to three people, and then all sudden, they’re like, whoever wants to come and see you can come in and see you. And I was very grateful for that. And yes, they gave me a big room. And I’d stay in that room until for a couple days until my next surgery. So family kept coming in friends kept coming in visiting us. And then a couple of days later, is when the doctor came in and told me that she took pictures on the phone. Oh, okay. And so this is when I already knew that Hazel was off to the autopsy place to get all her autopsy done. And then she was going to head to the funeral home.

Winter 37:40
So you guys did get an autopsy? I just I’m not familiar with because there was a gun in involved. The autopsy is an automatic. Is that correct?

Bailey 37:52
I think so. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, they had to do an autopsy. Okay,

Winter 37:56
gotcha. Okay, to make sure to kind of rule out whatever happened. And so yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay. And

Bailey 38:03
so the doctor showed us these pictures off of her phone. And obviously, we just bought looking at her how much actually at the time, we could not see her hair. Her hair was covered too is she had a little hat on, and then a blanket. And we couldn’t see anything else. I was just like, Oh, her face. And I mean, it was still very special. And we’re just, I’ll bet her nose was her chubby cheeks like it was actually like, I mean, we like, you know, you’re pregnant. You know, you’re gonna be a mom, but like seeing them in real life is a big. It’s a big difference. Yeah, that’s how I knew I was like, I That’s my daughter, my daughter right there. And I would say I just stay in a hospital for a couple of days. And before my surgery, and then I went back and got the bullet removed. And then I had to stay a couple more days. I think my total stay was a week long. The doctors brought in the mold of her feet, or hands. Oh, good. I have those which was really special. They took the stamps. And then they cut out cut off some hair. They did have a little envelope of her hair. Oh, good. Yeah. And that was pretty much our hospital stay away. People coming and going. We had funeral homes coming in. We had people to talk to for therapy, obviously it’s a big Oh, yeah. Big thing with making sure that we’re okay. And knowing the next steps. I mean, obviously you don’t plan for this in your life. Nobody plans this when they’re pregnant. And I never really thought I would be in charge of a funeral. Yeah. For my daughter.

Winter 39:58
So Bailey when you did finally show, talk to the doctor, and she showed you the pictures of Hazel, did you ask her any questions about maybe how she passed away? Obviously, you, you had a major trauma just that basically happened to you. So I’m curious if and it had gone through your uterus. So entered like, did it? Did it hit any bones or shatter any bones or anything like that? Okay, no, no,

Bailey 40:29
no, it just went straight through. Okay.

Winter 40:32
And then launched into your other leg into the bone itself. So, okay, but didn’t break that. Didn’t it just launch there? Okay. Yep.

Bailey 40:41
Yep. And, obviously, I, I was in a catheter for most of my stay. I wasn’t able to walk right away. I had therapy coming in, it was basically learning how to walk again. Yeah, no, I mean, how to get up. And I remember one of the days that they came in, they’re like, alright, we’re taking the catheter out. And I was like, no way. There’s no way I’m gonna be getting up and going to the bathroom. And so we pushed for it took a little steps day by day. Then I finally moved on to going up and down steps. And obviously, it was very slow, very hurtful. It was very painful. Yeah. They wanted me to be able to go upstairs, downstairs and be able to walk as our house had serious to get up to Yeah. Before going home. And finally got to the point where I was able to leave. We had a funeral in mind. But nobody was pushing things at the time, which was very nice. They said, let us take us at a at our own rent or at her own time. Yeah. And I remember packing up everything. And obviously, all the flowers, all the things that you get from everybody just very special. But also, it’s very hard to go walk down the halls afterwards without baby. Yeah. And I see other families being happy, which they should be, but it’s hard.

Winter 42:13
Yeah, you don’t have

Bailey 42:17
the drive home. Like I said, it was about 45 minutes from our house. So that drive home was really long. Really sad. And then getting home was probably another hard thing. Obviously, her nursery was set. We had everything ready, ready to go. We actually had family and friends come to the house while we were in the hospital. And they kind of helped us pick up everything. And we told them right away that we wanted the door shut to Hazel’s room. I mean, I had her bottles outed the clean mean stuff out. And so they kind of just packed it all up for now. Yeah. And so we didn’t have to walk in to everything baby girl for everything, baby. So we got home as long and then we’ve had to start doing the funeral process. And I always said that I wanted to walk before her funeral. That’s one of my goals. I want to walk without my walker. Yeah. So I don’t want to have her funeral until then. And we knew that she wanted or we wanted her to be cremated. Okay. So we met with the funeral home a couple of days later. And then they told us that she should be coming back from her autopsy. And then that will be a time where we can finally say our goodbyes before she goes and gets cremated. I remember waking up that day and feeling very sick. Like it was like the first time that I ever felt like a real elephant was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t know what to do. But I actually had my cousin who was a nurse was actually made a connection with their hospitals. I want to say aggrievement person who comes in and talk to them. Yeah. She gave me yeah, she gave me a phone call. And she kind of went through all the steps about how today’s gonna go. She’s like you can do anything you want. You can tell them anything you want. This is your child. If you want to write down a journal of what you want to say to his or you want to sing her lullaby if you want to bring anything to be cremated with like your baby blanket or a certain outfit, she’s like, you can do literally anything. She’s like, I want to give you some points. You take it and you can do whatever with them. That’s good. Yeah. And so I gathered Oh, my baby blanket. My boyfriend took his name tag from the military. And so we brought that in. And I wrote a little note that I still have what I wanted to say. And remember, our families came with us, our parents came with us to the funeral home, we kind of went over the steps of the funeral home what we wanted. And then it was finally time to go into the room and see her. And they kind of gave me some advice. So they said, We, I don’t know if it was that word for word, but it was something around like, not sure about holding her as she won’t feel like a baby. And I was just kind of crushed by that. I didn’t know how to take it, and didn’t know what that meant that No, like fluid or thing got to her. She was like, lopsided, like I still at this point, had no idea what truly happened to her. Okay. And and so we went in, they said that right away, she’s gonna be covered with two blankets. And then as you want, you can take off a blanket. And then you’ll see her arms. And then you can take off another blanket, and you’ll see her feet and her legs. And so obviously, you go in there and you see blankets covering your child is very hard to see. And so just took my time. And that was the first time I got to see her hands. And it was very special. She had really long fingers at the top. And then she had like, chunky from the knuckle down. Oh. That’s kind of like a memory we always have and what we kind of can laugh about is her. Only say her funny hands so long and skinny and chubby. It’s like her mom’s hands in the front. And then the bottom was her dad.

Winter 47:05
That’s funny is a hand. Yeah.

Bailey 47:10
Um, yeah. And then her legs and her feet. She had long legs. She was 20 inches long. And she weighed about five pounds in 10 ounces. Oh, yeah. And then we saw little hairs on her legs and our arms. And that’s kind of how I came out. I came out with a lot of hair came out a lot with a lot of hair on my body. My dad always made the joke that I was half monkey. Oh, yeah. But um, so it’s kind of special, like, seeing those resemblance of you on your child. And then I still didn’t see her face. It was covered. And it was something that I couldn’t do. And then obviously, the another regret that I wish I would have pushed for and pushed for my child and pushed for myself as being able to see her in person. Yeah. At the time, I was just listening to everybody else. And worried about everyone else’s feelings and not really on my own. And I knew that I I shut it on it. I should have looked at her. So I held her anything I wanted. Um, and then I think we spent about an hour in there. And then it was finally time to say our last goodbye. We gave her all the things covered are up on my blanket. And then we came back out. And there’s another tough day. Yeah, so my walker. I say it’s exhausting. You just don’t know how to cope with it. Yeah.

Winter 49:04
Right. In the funeral home is yeah, not. No, not great. It’s not

Bailey 49:11
at all I see this walk in and it’s just your motors. But

Winter 49:18
Bailey, can I ask you a quick question? What are some of the things that you guys did with her? For that hour that you spent?

Bailey 49:27
Um, obviously, I touched her the whole time. Yeah. I kind of got I read her what I wanted to say to her just apologizing for everything. And wishing things were different. Obviously, we had a couple chuckles about our fingers. So it was kind of nice when we’re just sobbing and crying. We had a couple laughs Yeah. But, and then I wanted to take some pictures pitches that I had. And so we took pictures of our hands and our legs and feet. And then we took them off holding them in our hands. So it’s kind of like us both. And then her feet were on. Those are pretty special pictures. Yeah. Basically what we did during the time, lots of crying lots of holding hands and just spending that time with her. Yeah, the first time really.

Winter 50:24
And and you did mention that you were worried about looking at her face. Up until that because it nobody still had told you what had happened or how she looked or anything like that. Is that right?

Bailey 50:38
No, no, nobody. I mean, I guess it’s not really a question I asked either, because I kind of just assumed, yeah, but I also did not know what, yeah, okay. Yeah. Obviously, I knew that that’s how she passed was from the bullet. But I didn’t know where it went in. Or if it went in or if it hit something. I had no idea at this

Winter 51:01
point. Yeah. You did have some other pictures from the doctor that showed her face and everything.

Bailey 51:07
Okay. Yep. Yep. So you hands more? Yeah, I had a picture of her face. And it was actually just a picture of her half face. There was a blanket covering the half of her face. So that’s kind of where I put into my mind that she that was where she got hit. Yeah. But again, I didn’t confirm it with anybody. It was just in the back of my mind. And so we planned the funeral that day. I think it was like a week or two later, I asked my sister, she would sing because she has the most beautiful voice. And she said, if you want me to I will. And so it’s a song I always remember. It’s jealous of my angels. And she’s saying that. And the other day of her funeral. We had an early morning. And I remember getting to the church. And all of a sudden this church was just packed. Sure. From top to bottom. We had a very supportive community. Yeah, I’m forever thankful for it. They were there for us. It was a packed church. And then the pastor told me, it’s pretty packed in there. I don’t know if you want to walk down the aisle or else you can come out from the side. Yeah, it won’t have to face anybody. And so we decided to come out from the side and go in the pew. And it was a beautiful service, a lot of cries. And then finally, I wanted to walk by myself down the aisle back. It’s just something that I wanted to do for her. I wanted to be brave, I wanted to be strong. And so we exited. We went down the aisle. And we had people come out. I was trying to get away and head to the house. But obviously when people come out, they want to see you they want to give you the hugs. And so I think I held almost everybody in there, which again is it’s grateful for

Winter 53:09
that support. Yeah, that’s awesome. That’s great. Yeah, yeah.

Bailey 53:13
But yeah, posters made or canvases. And I had her mold out. And then we got these like dog tags from the hospital too. So I had those out. And I have just like a little table of remembrance for her. Yeah. And so that was pretty special to have that.

Winter 53:32
That’s great. And then did you get the autopsy results after that? I know it takes a while to and autopsies to actually come back. Yeah,

Bailey 53:45
so yeah, we went through, obviously, you go through your own grieving process, your own therapy. And then one of the things I wanted to do was meet with a doctor. That was in my surgery, and I just wanted to go have an appointment with her. And I wanted to ask all the questions. Yes. I had a list of questions I wanted to know about her. And, and so it was a couple of weeks later that I went in, and I talked to her. And well, I also had to get my staples out, too. And so I got staples out on my stomach and staples out on my leg too. Yeah. And so

Winter 54:22
Oh, man, that’s like a lot of like, your surgeries, like your emergency C section and then plus your other surgeries like I Yeah, yeah, there’s a lot. That’s so much Bailey. Like, holy cow. This is crazy. Okay, so you went in and had those taken out? And then what did you ask her all of your questions?

Bailey 54:41
Yeah. So I asked her and I said, I want to know if the bullet hit her where it had her and where it came out or and I said, and then I asked, did she feel like a baby being held? And she said yes. And then that’s what I broke down, knowing that I made the wrong choice. And she told me that it did go through her head. And it came out to her head, went in her back behind her ear, and then came out on the bridge of her nose. Oh. So that kind of put into place by the picture that we had of her was covered. Yeah. We kind of talked about it, how she had tan skin. Her hair was crazy. It was super long, and did a little wave to it. And it was kind of I finally got that. I want to say I don’t like closure, a little bit of knowing what happened to her. Yeah. And, and so then, after that, I kind of just did a remembrance of her every month, we let go of balloons. And then obviously picking out her gravestone. We knew, obviously, she wasn’t gonna be buried there. But we want to do some Memorial bench for her or people to come and visit and just spend the time or. And so picking that out. It’s a lot. It’s crazy for parents just pick that up for a little baby. Yeah. And so we found the perfect one. And we got to make it personalized for her. And then I think I want to say it was about December, my sister and I were sitting at her house. And we’re just like talking talking about her. My sister was the most supportive person ever. It couldn’t have done it without her. And she’s like, did she go in for an autopsy? And I was like, Yeah. And she’s like, because I always told her he was one of my biggest regrets was not being able to see her. And she said, Oh, why don’t we reach out to the place that took it? And see, because obviously, they have to take pictures for them

Winter 57:18
for their reports and everything. Yeah.

Bailey 57:21
So she’s like, why don’t you reach out to them, and just see if they have any pictures. They’re like, we know what’s over that six month I was like, I don’t know if there’s a certain time limit that they keep everything or what they do with it. So I reached out to them. And the lady called me back a couple days later, and said, Yeah, we have pitchers. We have things if you want. And I said can I am I able to come and see them. I was like I told her kind of the story. I said, I didn’t, I wasn’t able to see her. I wasn’t able to do anything. I just want to see her I want to see it before her. And she said absolutely. So we arranged a time. And my sister came with me. And we came in and it was pretty special. Like they they could have just given me these pictures. And that’s it. But this girl went above and beyond. And I walked in and it was like a slideshow. Oh, Baby Hazel. Oh baby girl, Hazel. And I was like, This is awesome. So kind. Yeah. And so her and I talked about it. And she said the first picture is this. The second picture is this. And then the third is when you’ll see her like fully without edited without anything because she said that her and another person she worked with, they actually took the time to edit photos between the time that I called now. And so she told me she’s like, this is an edited one. And it was like her full face. Yeah. And it was just beautiful. I could see her for who she was. Yeah, the whole her. And that’s when I first time I saw her hair. And I looked at my sister and I was like, holy cow. She has a lot of hair. Yeah. And that was pretty special. I mean, it was dark. And that’s when she told me that her eyes were brown. Oh, okay. And I was like, oh, that’s something I just didn’t think of I didn’t think to ask I didn’t think of what the colors they would be you know. And so at the time, yeah, her eyes were brown. So that was pretty special. Because I got blue eyes. Yeah. But um, yeah. And so we went through those pictures. And then it was she’s like this next one is unedited. You’re gonna see it and I said it, okay. And she’s like, I’m just gonna give you a heads up, like where it is on her work, what you will see and everything. And then I look at it and my stomach just dropped. And I said this is this is her, and is actually pretty special to know. Like, you couldn’t really see anything at all. There was no, I mean, obviously there was damage, there’s blood there was a little bit but nothing that I was pictured in my head. Okay. You couldn’t fully see the exit hole you couldn’t really see much. And it was just the most beautiful picture. Oh, okay. Yeah,

Winter 1:00:45
that’s a nice thing right there. Holy cow. That is

Bailey 1:00:48
Yeah. And then. So that was a close up of her. And then the next one was her full body. And those are the two pictures that I have on my phone that I just I love them. Because I can see her full body. Like I can see your stomach. I can see her legs. I can see your neck. I can see your head like just everything. And it’s it’s just perfect. Perfect little baby. Yay.

Winter 1:01:12
Yeah, those little babies. Yeah. So they’re just, they’re perfect. Right? They

Bailey 1:01:19
are? Yes.

Winter 1:01:21
What a special. First of all, I’m going to say your sister is a godsend because like even just to put that in your head to just go try and see if you can get that file or or the picture. Absolutely. I think that was a big deal. And then the people there at the coroner’s office was they, they Yeah, they sound amazing. Like, it kind of people not

Bailey 1:01:42
expect anything like that. And they did. And they actually gave me a flash drive. I have these pitchers forever. Yeah.

Winter 1:01:49
That’s awesome. Yeah, that is wonderful. That’s wonderful. Did that feel like a bit of like you said before, it’s not necessary closure. But did you feel? Yeah,

Bailey 1:02:01
I did. I did feel I felt like my last step that I always wanted, was met. And I got to see her for who she was. And I got to see the full her without edited without covering. Yeah. And I know, everybody was just trying to protect me. And maybe it was, but it was, it was, it’s what I needed is to see the full thing who she was. Yeah. Yeah. And it was a picture that I hid for, honestly, two years. And then show anybody until this past year.

Winter 1:02:39
Really? Yeah. Sometimes those are sacred. Those are special and just you kind of hold them close to your heart. And that is that is wonderful. So because those are, yeah, there’s a few of them that I don’t share of my son yet, either. Not really, just my husband I’ve seen I’ve seen them. So I’m just so sorry. This is like I’m assuming your recovery for your your legs, muscles, all everything that was essentially damaged by the bullet was okay was progressing. Well, any permanent damage damage that you are aware of? Um,

Bailey 1:03:19
no, no, I, I recovered, and they said it that I was able to have more babies when I was ready. Okay. And so that was one of the most the biggest concern that I wanted if I was ever going to be a mom again. Yeah,

Winter 1:03:35
especially if it went through your I mean, yeah, it hidden obviously hit Hazel. So went through uterus and everything. Yeah. So. Okay, so they they do feel like it is a positive. You have a it looks positive for you. So yeah, yeah. Good. That’s great. Bailey, I think that there’s going to be a few people that want to know a little bit more about the whole the gun discharging so I’m wondering if you can go a little bit into that and what happened and like what happened afterwards? Because obviously, there was actually one right there’s one casualty and and your life you’re you have been hurt significantly. So can you tell us a little bit about how that was handled and and if you don’t want to get into certain things, you don’t have to mention that. I’ll try not to pry too much. But if you want to share then I’m sure others will be curious to know what happened and and if there was any resolution to that.

Bailey 1:04:34
Yeah. So the person next to me that was sitting next to me was actually my boyfriend at the time. Okay. And he was the one that the gun went off in his hands. And so that is why he couldn’t come with me right away. We didn’t know what was was gonna happen. But afterwards after we got home the sheriff came over. And I kind of had to say my statement. And it was an accident. And accidents do happen. And I press no charges. It just something that we have to learn from this day forward. Yeah.

Winter 1:05:30
Probably was quite heavy. And

Bailey 1:05:34
it was a hard, really hard recovery with going through grieving. Yeah, when we’re both on two different pages of the story. Yeah. And supporting one another, it was really hard.

Winter 1:05:48
Did you find that you’re getting getting some support from him? Or, I guess I can imagine there was a lot of obviously anger and, and guilt. And there’s, yeah. Yeah. Along with the grief and right, there’s like, there’s all of it. There’s like so many layers of it. So how, how was that?

Bailey 1:06:14
Um, yeah, it was hard. But obviously, we went through right away, we’re really together, we were supporting one another, really listening to one another. We kind of kept to ourselves for a while. And then as months go on, I think is when anger started to come out. And just things that it was kind of it was really hard, actually, because I wanted my house to be full of her. I wanted her to be everywhere in my house. And my boyfriend at the time can take it, you can take looking at her. And I think that was the one of the biggest things that hurt me the most. Is the baby that we made, baby that we created. Maybe that I carried for almost nine months. Yeah, that I just have to not have her in the house. But we came to terms and we had one little area of her. We still had a nursery up for a long time. Yeah. And but yeah, there was a lot of anger, a lot of anger. And, obviously, I think, a couple of years, or a year and a half after is when those are falling out. We couldn’t be together anymore with what happened. It was really hard to support one another and love one another. And to be on the same page again, it was something that we knew that we probably wouldn’t ever be on. So in that time, it was his house. And so I had to pack up everything. And that was the first time packing up Hazel stuff.

Winter 1:08:12
Oh, so Bailey, I know that we kind of went over a number of the details in your birth story. And not really talking that not really mentioning that it was your then boyfriend that had that had discharged the gun. So I suspect that there was a lot of I personally, if I if this happened to my sister, this I would have I would have been all up in his face, honestly. So I’m i How did your family take that information? And news and yeah, how did how did that work out?

Bailey 1:08:52
Obviously, the first thing was to make sure that I was okay. Yeah, everyone was there for me. But it was a long process. It was a long road of being able to face my parents and still being together. Obviously, there’s a lot of anger, a lot of anger with our family between our my mom and dad really and my sister. But they kind of kept quiet as they knew that I I was kind of basically I was protecting him. I didn’t let my feelings come out. I didn’t protect myself and my life. I was really worried about him in the ways that I probably shouldn’t have been. But you think of it when you’re young. You’re in love you think that that is your forever and it really wasn’t. And it was just, it was really long. It was yeah, it was long. It was a long couple of I think it was a year and a half afterwards. And

Winter 1:10:02
So were your parents. I know that you, you said that you kind of put hit him a little bit first and kind of put your feelings in the, in the background there. Did you? Or did your parents say anything to you or your sister say anything to you about it or question you about not pressing charges, that type of thing?

Bailey 1:10:24
Not really, I think everyone was still in shock right away. And I knew there was a lot of anger. But I remember my dad always saying if if you’re okay, and if this is how you want to live your life, then I have to keep my mouth shut, and I have to protect you. And he said, If you’re happy, then I will support you in any ways that I can.

Winter 1:10:56
Good, right.

Bailey 1:10:57
Yeah. I never thought about pressing charges. It was never really a thing that came to my mind. I knew it was an accident. And I knew that it wasn’t on purpose. Yeah, I’m in accidents do happen. And I don’t know, I don’t know how I would have been if it was a friend that did it. Or if it was somebody else that did it. Right. I mean, you think of it, then yeah, maybe I would have pressed charges. But knowing that it was a boyfriend at the time, and knowing that it was an accident that it wasn’t really something I thought of as we grieved of losing her together that I didn’t really want to do it by myself.

Winter 1:11:39
Yes, because it is hard. It’s a hard road anyway. So Bailey, thank you so much that I think that will help others feel like knowing that sometimes it’s a journey. And sometimes you learn a lot about yourself. And as you go through life and sounds like you’ve had in the three and a half years, you’ve really been able to like, heal and grow and learn some stuff has been important. Yeah,

Bailey 1:12:10
I think this last six months, has been the happiest that I’ve ever been since then. And I’m pretty proud of it. That’s

Winter 1:12:18
great. Because it does take work to to be in that place.

Bailey 1:12:23
Yeah,

Winter 1:12:24
that’s great that you have felt like peace and happiness for the last six months. I’m wondering, is there anything that has been helpful to you to in that healing in that? Yeah, the growth? Is there anything that’s been helpful for you?

Bailey 1:12:38
Yeah, I went to therapy right away. There’s a couple that I went in, I didn’t really like. And then I finally found a girl. And she did EMDR training, which is the eye movement, dissonance, annotation processor, diarization, yeah. Processing. And I did not have any idea what it was. And so we took it. So basically, that’s how I’m able to tell my story. It’s how I’m able to say it fully. And what we did is we broke up the trauma, and the accident by little pieces. And each session that we did, we focus on the one section, and it was about talking about it, and then thinking of like a different room, you’re in something that calms you. And think of different things when we were able to say it. And so I think that really helped me process the full traumatic event. And, and I’m able to say it to the state. And I think that is really amazing. I am thankful for the EMDR therapy that I did. And really just my friends, and my family just being there for me every year. celebrating her birthday is a big thing. We get together and we all release balloons. And I let the kids draw on these rocks that I bring out to her memorial bench. And I think the biggest thing is letting go of the relationship that I was in. I think that had to do a lot with the and truly happy now. Yeah, it’s a big weight that is off my shoulder that I didn’t think was ever there but it was but

Winter 1:14:32
it was. That’s, that’s great. I just, well a couple of things. EMDR has been it’s very has been a very helpful therapy for me honestly and I think Lee has also found it helpful when we have done that mode of therapy. So I think that’s awesome. If you don’t know much about it is it does help process trauma like and this is a big T trauma type of situation like there’s there’s a lot that you have dealt With and, and it’s great that you were able to find somebody, oh, that was going to be another thing I’m going to throw in there is that you got to shop around for a therapist until you find the right person. Because you really do, you’re not going to click with everybody. So that’s just another little tip. If you are going through this chopper route, it’s okay. If somebody doesn’t click with you. It’s not, it’s not the right might not be the right person. So yeah. And then I think that’s really cool that your family is so supportive of honoring Hazel remembering her, they seem to be very involved in and wanting to talk about her and wanting to do they

Bailey 1:15:37
are and I am very thankful that they’re actually see her as a grandchild and, and actually a person, not just an event that took place. And not just the trauma that took place. She was actually the baby, she was the person to she was there. And it’s somebody that I will never forget. And I do want to say thank you for providing this podcast, because during my time, I was searching on podcast, and I found you guys. And that’s what really helped me the first year was listening to other people’s stories, and connecting with them and just driving in my car crying alone with them. And that is another thing that helped me a lot. And I’m thankful for you guys.

Winter 1:16:27
I’m so glad that’s what we we we wanted to have a podcast to listen to, but there was nothing there. So we’re like, let’s just start it. We’ll just do it. Yeah. So I’m glad that that was a comfort to you. And thanks to all the parents that have shared other stories that were willing to be vulnerable just like you Bailey to tell your story. Bailey I thank you again for your time today. I want to just ask you one last thing that anything that you would like to share about Hazel briefly before we close today, what to remember about her and say to her,

Bailey 1:17:03
um, that I will always remember her a little cakes and our hiccups in my belly. And that she was forever my hero. She saved my life. If I would have been for her that I know that I wouldn’t have made it and that I always say that she is forever my five pound 10 ounce sweet baby girl who is my hero.

Winter 1:17:30
Thank you this beautiful thank you