Mom Tiffany talks about how she has both grieved and celebrated the short life of her sweet daughter Khyana, who was born at 26 weeks and died four days later due to an infection because of a hole in her bowel. She talks about how grief is not linear and the many ways she celebrates her daughter.
Watch here (YouTube):
Listen here (podcast):
Time Stamps:
00:00 Welcome
04:42 Celebrating 1st birthday
07:53 How Tiffany’s relationship changed with her then-boyfriend
08:51 What not to say to a loss mom
10:54 Grief is not linear
12:12 What she does to honor her daughter
You might appreciate these other episodes:
- Watch/listen to Tiffany‘s birth episode of daughter Khyana: Click here
- Watch/listen Bianca and Michael share their experience of delivering their son Jalen: Click here
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Mentioned links
- How 2 Survive Loss Facebook
- Amazon link to Book: Celebrating the Life of Your Infant After Death: Ways to Keep the Memory of Your Infant Alive
Full Transcription:
Winter 0:00
Everybody, welcome. We are so grateful that you are joining us here for another episode of still a part of us. And I am winter and we are so grateful you’re here.
Winter 0:09
I just wanted to do a really quick warning that there are a lot of triggers in this conversation, this interview that we’re going to have today with Tiffany. So please just keep yourself safe and healthy. If this is not a good time for you to listen to this, please do not listen to this episode.
Winter 0:25
If you are a lost mom or lost dad, feel free to subscribe. We want to make this community a place that people can find support and help. So once again, we want to welcome Tiffany. We were able to hear the birth story of her daughter Khyana. If you haven’t checked that out, please jump on over and listen to that episode, or watch that episode as well.
Winter 0:45
So Tiffany, welcome again. Thank you so much for coming on today.
Tiffany 0:48
Thank you for having me.
Winter 0:49
A little bit of context. Can you tell us how long ago Khyana was born and when she passed away?
Tiffany 0:55
She was born– next month it will be three years. She was born on May 23, 2018 and passed away May 27, 2018.
Winter 1:05
So she lived a short four days, but four really impressionable days for you I’m sure.
Tiffany 1:11
Yes.
Tiffany 1:12
It’s been three years. How did grief look like for you in those first early days, those first few months?
Tiffany 1:18
I was grieving– well it first happened I was devastated. Afterwards it’s been a switch. It is on and off certain moments are more painful than others.
Tiffany 1:30
In the beginning I went to– I think the day after actually went to a grocery store with my boyfriend. We went in there, but it was around the holiday period. So there were so many children and babies. I sat in the car and cried. As soon as we got to the car I cried. I ran to the car. I couldn’t do it. Just being in the grocery store with all the kids and families.
Winter 1:53
Isn’t that amazing? You’re like there’s a lot of kids here.
Tiffany 1:56
Yeah. Usually that’s something I don’t care about because I love dealing with kids. I work with kids sometimes. Well, not as much here, but when I was in the states. I worked with kids more. My mom owns a daycare in Georgia. So every time I come back to Georgia even now when I come back to Georgia it doesn’t bother me to go see the kids play with the kids and stuff. Children don’t usually bother me, but around that time period it did.
Winter 2:20
Well, I think it’s so raw and new for you, too, have just had that loss. So yeah, of course it wouldn’t be so hard. How has it looked as you’ve gotten farther away from her birth and death?
Tiffany 2:33
It is still up and down, but it’s better. I guess I got used to as I can handle it more now. The month of May hits me the hardest. Mother’s Day, the day she was born, the day she died, is all in the same month. So the month of May hits me the hardest. Other months are here nor there and it is always in the back of my mind. But for the most part I at least seem okay. I learned to live with my new normal.
Winter 3:03
Yeah, yep. That’s exactly what it is. It’s a new normal, isn’t it? You’re like, Hi, I guess I’m a different person now.
Tiffany 3:10
Yeah.
Winter 3:10
What does healing look like for you? Has there been anything that’s been super helpful for you to kind of process your grief? Is there anything physical that you have that you try to hold on to to remember her?
Tiffany 3:25
I have her molds. They’re supposed to be coming. I had my stuff shipped from Turkey to here. So that was in the shipment, it’s supposed to be here soon hopefully. I really miss them.
Winter 3:38
Yeah.
Tiffany 3:40
I got necklaces as well. I have pictures of those. But I have necklaces that people gave me. Some of them have her name on them. Some of them have angels on them. I adore it. It’s like four of them and I adore all of them.
Winter 3:52
I’m wearing my necklace too. So that’s exactly what you do. things to remember your kids by.
Winter 3:58
I just wanted to point out if you are unfamiliar, Tiffany is currently in Japan right now. So that’s why she’s having her stuff shipped. She just barely moved there about a month ago, right? A month or two ago.
Tiffany 4:09
Yeah.
Winter 4:10
So if you’re wondering what that’s about, because I was like Turkey? You had your stuff shipped from Turkey. I’m sure that was the stop on the route over to Japan. So what is your go to thing that you tried to do to sit and remember Khyana? To kind of mourn her. Was there anything in particular you did early on, or maybe even now that you do to help with that?
Tiffany 4:35
Early on, like right after she passed away. We did have a celebration of life cookout, which took place in Georgia, my hometown. After that every year I usually do something. Her first birthday, I got a little cake with a candle on it, and had some food just for me and my boyfriend at the time. Last year, I actually had a small event with brownies, jello shots, cake, games, stuff like that. I had several people over. This year because I just moved here, I’m not really sure what I want to do yet.
Winter 5:15
Yeah, cause you’re just there by yourself, right?
Tiffany 5:19
Yeah, I’m here by myself.
Winter 5:20
Yeah, so that’ll be tricky. I know birthdays are hard to maneuver sometimes I feel like. It sounds like you’ve done something to kind of honor her birthday every single year. It sounds like you had a lot of fun actually last year, which is great. Got together with my family.
Tiffany 5:34
Yeah.
Winter 5:36
That is great. Holidays can be so tricky, especially Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day, I feel, is brought with anxiety and some sadness, especially if you’ve had a loss. So yeah, that’ll be hard and that’s coming up here in the next little bit. So I really hope that it goes well, or that you take some time to yourself to remember her.
Tiffany 5:55
I will try to because I used to work on a Sunday. So luckily, I’ll be home. I won’t be at work.
Winter 5:59
I know. Yeah. Breaking down at work is super fun, isn’t it? Did you by any chance take advantage of anything like a therapist or a grief counseling group? Anything like that to help you as you transition from your loss?
Tiffany 6:14
I did see a counselor a little bit afterwards. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to be feeling at the time. Because I was also dealing with the postpartum hormones as well.
Winter 6:26
Oh, yeah.
Tiffany 6:28
At first I was crying because Khyana died. Then I was crying and didn’t know why. I did go see a counselor to make sure that was normal. But I didn’t really know what was normal. What was it?
Winter 6:41
Yeah.
Tiffany 6:42
She was like, you know, this is normal that you’re feeling this way. She helped me. I went to go see one once just to make sure everything was okay. She was like, you know, you’re fine. I didn’t– I never took any, me personally, I never took any medicine. I didn’t want to. They offered it when I went back to my doctor’s appointment. They offered me some pills or something else. Like I don’t want to take pills. I just want to let everything pass.
Winter 7:09
Okay, so you were okay, you were okay. Like, you’re just like, I’m gonna just cry it out. Or I’m going to feel all the feelings or I’m going to– that’s kind of what it sounds like. You ‘re trying to like, I don’t want to take anything to suppress any emotions?
Tiffany 7:24
Or numb me out, or something that you have to take forever. I mean, just me personally, I just didn’t want that.
Winter 7:30
Yeah. And I think it’s obviously different for everybody, especially with postpartum people. Some people obviously struggle with that. They may need some medication, but it sounds like you were like, I’m gonna, I’m just gonna ride this out.
Tiffany 7:44
Yeah, it wasn’t as bad to the point where I tried to hurt myself, or hurting myself or anything like that.
Winter 7:50
Good.
Tiffany 7:50
It never made it to that point.
Winter 7:52
Okay, gotcha. It sounds like your boyfriend at the time. He was there along with you. Was he struggling also with the loss?
Tiffany 8:00
He was struggling, but it was more in a different way than I was.
Winter 8:04
Yeah.
Tiffany 8:04
I guess he needed to constantly see me sad about it. I know he feels sad as well. But he just dealt with it in a different way.
Winter 8:12
We’re all different. So I mean, so he was just dealing with it a little differently. Did that change your relationship at all? When you guys were navigating? After her death?
Tiffany 8:23
It did. It changed a lot. Um, I won’t discuss the details. But there was other things going on that eventually broke up. I eventually left and I moved to Turkey.
Winter 8:34
Yeah. Okay.
Tiffany 8:36
A year later.
Winter 8:36
Gotcha. I think it does change relationships. It’s tricky. It’s super tricky. So tell me, was there something that somebody did for you? And or said to you, that was really super helpful as you’ve navigated this?
Tiffany 8:50
Yes, actually, they did. Someone told me once because a lot of people– sometimes people say dumb things. They don’t know what to say. Instead I’m so sorry this happened to you. They try to find a reason that it happened to you. I don’t really like that at all. You wouldn’t be doing this if she was still alive, or she would have been in a ton of pain and stuff like that. Or you don’t want her to be in pain. I’m like yeah I don’t want her to be a pain. And I didn’t want her dead. I want her to be alive and healthy.
Winter 9:23
Yeah.
Tiffany 9:23
It is one of those things. Yeah, I hate that kind of stuff. Even in terms of my job in Turkey. I got a position in Turkey to work there. People are like well, someone said to me, you wouldn’t be going to Turkey. You know if your daughter was still here. It hurt. It hurt.
Winter 9:44
Yeah.
Tiffany 9:44
But you have to sit back and realize that people say dumb things when they don’t know what to say.
Winter 9:52
Yeah.
Tiffany 9:53
To try to make it make sense when it doesn’t really make sense at all.
Winter 9:55
Yeah, exactly. You’re just like, you don’t need to make an excuse. I mean, you don’t need to have a reason for things. I think people try to reason things out because they don’t know how to come to terms with it. So they like you said they do and say dumb things sometimes. So what would you encourage people to say to you if you had a loss
Tiffany 10:16
To say I’m so sorry that happened to you. What can I do for you, or I mean, a lot of times even a gift card. Or just giving them something to eat, or just come in and check in on them and sitting with them.
Winter 10:28
That’s huge.
Tiffany 10:29
Yes, huge, there is no need to, try to rationalize it.
Winter 10:34
Oh, I like that. There’s no need to rationalize that. Crappy stuff just happens. She was born at 26 weeks that will be tough physically on her regardless. So I guess throughout all of this, have you had any lightbulb moments about life and death or things that you have realized about grief or loss that you’d like to share with our audience?
Tiffany 10:54
I thought grief was more, I guess, linear. Like, you’ll be okay. Like that. It’s not like you reverse back to certain stages. Grief is just like, Okay, I’m sad, and now I’m over it. It is more like, Okay, I’m saying, I’m okay now. I think I’m in a decent area. Okay, now, this isn’t working. This holiday happened, or this month that happened. Now I’m sad again. So it’s not like a linear thing. You’re still gonna have moments where you sit back and you think, or you’re upset that it happened, like, it’s happening over again.
Winter 11:28
That’s the thing that’s so surprising, because you just think that okay, I pass through the anger phase. Okay, I pass through this phase. I’m done. I’m done with those. I should be fine. No, yeah, it’ll come right back to you. So that is a good a-ha moment. I think that is probably what I would say that was the key takeaway from this. So I want to know what you do or have done in order to honor Khyana. What are some things that you have done to remember her to celebrate her to kind of keep bringing her up? Because I know a lot of people still like to talk about their kids, even though they’ve passed on. In fact, this is the reason why we started this podcast and this channel is so that people could talk about their kids. So what are you doing to celebrate her?
Tiffany 12:12
Besides the parties and stuff? I always try to keep her memory alive in my house. I think it is definitely shifting. But I actually had like a magnet in my freezer or refrigerator with her on it.
Winter 12:26
Oh.
Tiffany 12:27
Yeah. I hope it is in my shipment because I really miss it. I can get another one, but I really miss that one. But yeah, that was amazing, I try to keep her memories alive by pictures and stuff. I still have some I need to set up that just got here. But yeah, it’s things like that. I’ve also made a Facebook page, it’s called Rise up, Surviving the loss of your infant. And I’ve also written a book called Celebrating the life of your infant after death. It is basically a way, or ways that you can celebrate your child after they’ve passed away.
Winter 13:06
That is great. So let’s dive into the Facebook group. Is that just a Facebook community that people can go to and kind of interact with each other kind of a community page?
Tiffany 13:18
Yeah. So more of a Facebook page at the moment.
Winter 13:21
Okay, awesome. So I can put a link in the description in the show notes. Then this book, so what inspired you to write that? When did you write that?
Tiffany 13:31
I wrote this and published it in October 2020.
Winter 13:36
Okay.
Tiffany 13:37
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Winter 13:38
Oh, yeah.
Tiffany 13:40
That’s when I did that. I wrote it because I tried to incorporate ways to celebrate Khyana after she passed away. I know some people sometimes will think it is weird when I throw the celebrations I’ve had because they’ve never heard of that before. I never heard of, oh, you’re celebrating your daughter’s life every year. They never heard of doing that. They think people just sit in a corner and say it on birthdays or whatever, but I celebrate every year. I’m like, Okay. I’m sure other people want to celebrate as well. So I decided to write a book on ways to celebrate your infant, your child’s life after they passed away.
Winter 14:20
That would be really nice to have a stash of ideas to go through because sometimes you’re like, oh, what am I going to do this Christmas, or on their next birthday? So October is pregnancy and infant loss Awareness Month. So that’s kind of cool that you decided to do that. Publish it at that time. So have you been working on it for quite some time?
Tiffany 14:42
Yeah, I’ve been working on it for a while. On and off for a while.
Winter 14:46
Yeah.
Tiffany 14:46
It ended up being the day. I think it was October 1, where I was able to publish it on Amazon. It’s also on Pay help as well.
Winter 14:55
Okay, great. I will put some links in the show notes as well as in the description box below. I think that’s great because we need resources, we need resources, right? This is a place that we both probably didn’t expect to find ourselves in, and having experienced it. We just don’t ever know like I’m always surprised when people are like, I didn’t think I was going to be this young and planning a funeral you know. Those are things that you just don’t think that you’re going to do in your mind’s eye of what your life is going to look like. So, having those resources is great.
Winter 15:29
So thank you so much for sharing that I will like I said, please check out the links in the show notes and in the description box below. So you are going to be navigating this next you’re gonna have Mother’s Day here and her birthday and her death date. You’re not quite sure how that’s going to look, do you have any ideas of how you’re going to celebrate it talking about ideas of how to celebrate or honor your child’s life.
Tiffany 15:53
I’m thinking about just going somewhere in Japan, and having her cake or just having a few people over and just having maybe a small party. There’s also things you can make that I’ve made as well. I might do that again to wear her name on it.
Winter 16:09
Okay.
Tiffany 16:10
There’s ways to celebrate or remember her every year.
Winter 16:13
That’s great. I love birthdays. So I think that’s something to look forward to.
Tiffany 16:17
I do too.
Winter 16:17
Yeah. Even though it has a little bit of a sad memory to it. Do you also celebrate her death date? Does that make sense? Like, I know that they’re two different days. I know some people try and they don’t focus so much on the death day, but more for the birthday.
Tiffany 16:31
That’s basically what I do. I don’t do anything for the death day. I just celebrate her birthday.
Winter 16:38
Yeah. Okay. Well, Tiffany, I have really appreciated the time that you have given us today. It’s been delightful talking to you. Do you have any last piece of advice that you would like to give any other lost moms or lost dads? Or if you have any advice to give to somebody that supporting a lost mom or lost Dad?
Winter 16:55
Yes, I do want to say to the people who lost their child or children, don’t take offense. Try not to take offense. When someone says something to rationalize your child’s death. That’s not something that they mean. Most of the time. It’s just something they tried to say to make you feel better, even if it makes you feel slightly worse. To people who’re supporting someone who’s lost a child. Please just tell them that you’re sorry, don’t try to rationalize anything. Just try to be there to help them.
Winter 17:27
Thank you so much for coming on and talking about Khyana.
Tiffany 17:30
Thank you.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai