Mom Bianca tells of her pregnancy with her 3rd child, Jalen Jeremiah, and complications with her cervix, which led her medical provider putting in a cerclage around 20 weeks. Some of the stitches had come out, causing Bianca a lot of pain and the beginning of labor. Jalen did not survive the birth and was stillborn on February 2021, likely due to the umbilical cord around his neck. Her pregnancy, Jalen’s birth, and funeral were all during the time of the COVID pandemic.
Watch here (YouTube):
Listen here (podcast):
Time Stamps:
- 0:00 Jalen Jeremiah
- 1:54 Introduction
- 4:30 Pregnancy
- 7:29 Cervix Funneling
- 8:45 Cerclage
- 11:16 Emergency
- 15:27 ER
- 21:28 Birth
- 32:10 Funeral
- 35:06 His name
- 41:55 Going home
- 44:27 Support group
- 48:02 Momentums
You might appreciate these other episodes:
- Watch/listen Michael’s (Bianca’s husband) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
- Watch/listen to Bianca’s and Michael’s advice episode after Jalen’s death: Click here
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Full Transcription:
Bianca 0:00
Jalen Jeremiah.
Bianca 0:02
I remember, he was so perfect. He had a little tiny button nose, 10 toes, 10 fingers. I remember holding him in my arms and just smelling him. He was just so tiny and little. I felt his cheeks and it was so soft and velvety. That Sunday that I had him. I remember, it was a very cold day, and it looked like it was going to rain. I remember getting to the hospital, anxious, very anxious, not knowing the outcome of the situation and how bad everything had turned. But I just remember holding him and he was just so perfect. He was just like my son, just a tinier version of my son. He resembled Michael a lot. He had his exact feet, the same toes. He was just so little and just amazing.
Winter 1:13
Welcome to Still A Part of Us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn, or who died in infancy. I’m winter.
Lee 1:20
And I’m Lee, we are grateful you joined us today. Please note that this is a story of loss and has triggers
Winter 1:25
Thanks to our loss parents who are willing to be vulnerable
Lee 1:28
and share their children with us. If you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.
Winter 1:37
Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us. They’re still a part of us.
Winter 1:54
Bianca, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. I am just so impressed with you right now. Your strength and your willingness to share Jalen with us today. So thank you for coming on. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself, who you are, where you’re kind of located at least in the country and what you do on a day to day basis?
Bianca 2:16
Yeah, so I am a medical claims analyst. I live in Massachusetts. I have two children. I have an 11 year old daughter Cynthia, and a six year old son named Josiah and they are wonderful children. They were looking very forward to being you know, big brother, big sister. We were just wanting to expand our family and grow and you know, become closer to one another.
Winter 2:47
And anything you guys like to do in your spare time as a family, or as yourself, what kind of hobbies do you have?
Bianca 2:52
I like gardening as a family, or we tend to go on road trips. We do a lot of road trips every year to go somewhere new. So we do that together. We enjoy watching movies together and just going out and enjoying each other’s company.
Winter 3:10
That sounds so fun. That’s wonderful. And your husband is Michael is that right?
Bianca 3:15
Yes.
Winter 3:16
How long have you guys been together?
Bianca 3:18
We’ve been together for 14 years.
Winter 3:20
That is awesome.
Bianca 3:21
We’ve been together since we were 14.
Winter 3:25
Yeah, that is awesome. So you guys were junior high school sweethearts.
Bianca 3:30
Yeah pretty much.
Winter 3:33
That’s awesome. That’s wonderful. Well, and what area are you guys living in? Oh, did you guys already answer that? You guys probably answered that didn’t you?
Bianca 3:45
Yeah, so we live in Massachusetts. Not too far from Boston.
Winter 3:49
Awesome. Okay. And you guys have lived there in that area most of the time you’ve been together?
Bianca 3:56
Yes. We both grew up here.
Winter 3:58
Okay, wonderful. And so as to give a little bit of context for our listeners. Can you tell us how long ago Jalen was born?
Bianca 4:09
So Jalen was born Monday, February 1 of 2021. So a little over a month ago.
Winter 4:15
Yeah, it is so new for you guys. So I thank you so much for coming on today. Tell me… so you’ve told us you have two other kids and how did this particular pregnancy go compared to your other pregnancies that you’ve had?
Bianca 4:30
This pregnancy was by far the best pregnancy I’ve ever had.
Winter 4:36
Really?
Bianca 4:37
Yes, I’ve had no complications at all. No morning sickness. It was just, like, amazing. With my other two children. It was very complicated. I was sick all the time. I want to say like all three trimesters. I was very sick. I couldn’t really keep anything down. But this pregnancy was just different. I was able to eat. I was so happy. It was amazing. Like, I really didn’t think this would be my outcome based on how amazing this pregnancy was to me. Yeah, he was a very good baby. I didn’t have any type of aversions, food aversions, anything like that.
Winter 5:24
So really good pregnancy, oh man. Were you guys planning on having Jalen then? Was that like a planned pregnancy?
Bianca 5:33
Yes, he was.
Winter 5:34
Okay. So and No. Did you guys have any issues getting pregnant? Or was it pretty? standard?
Bianca 5:40
Um, yeah. So we actually became pregnant after two months of trying. I was on birth control. Then we decided to come off. Two months after I came off, I got pregnant with him. We had a positive on September the 28th.
Winter 5:58
Oh, wow. That’s awesome. So you, so no issues and it was kind of one of those things where it just kind of worked out right?
Bianca 6:06
It did. Yes.
Winter 6:07
Yeah. That is, that’s so frustrating when you’re like, this is not what I was expecting it to be though. So, tell me a little bit about how things progressed then. You guys found out in September of 2020 that you were pregnant and everything was going really well with the pregnancy sounds like you were quite comfortable and excited. Your kids were excited. You guys were excited. So that’s wonderful. All of the medical checkups and everything, how did those go with it? Was there any sort of indication that anything was an issue?
Bianca 6:44
No, so everything was fine. All my appointments were perfect. I have my appointments, my checkups, the baby was growing, and very healthy. Everything with me was fine. I was feeling good. It was up until my 20 week anatomy scan. Actually it was before my 20 week anatomy scan. So I ended up going to the hospital for a checkup the day after Christmas. They want to see me every two weeks because of my history with both my two previous pregnancies. My son was a preemie and he was born at 32 weeks.
Winter 7:29
Okay.
Bianca 7:29
And so they were concerned as to whether or not I would go into labor early this pregnancy. So they wanted to monitor that very closely ahead of time, so that they would be able to detect once my cervix started to dilate. So I was going in for my checkups every two weeks. I went on January 12th. For that was the beginning of that two week period, they wanted me to start going.
When I went to that appointment, they did a cervical scan, basically to see if my cervix started to dilate at all. And they checked the baby and he was fine growing healthy. At that appointment, everything was fine. When I was there. Two days later, I got a phone call from my midwife and she said that she’d noticed my cervix had started to funnel. So I really wasn’t sure what that had meant. But she basically said that if you look at a funnel, the way that a funnel is shaped is how it has a narrow end. Then the top of my cervix basically the baby was starting to push down.
Winter 8:45
Okay.
Bianca 8:45
So eventually my cervix would start to open. She noticed that it began to funnel and they wanted to go over my options on whether or not I wanted to take progesterone shots, or if I wanted to get a cerclage put in place. Basically what this cerclage does is it’s like a stitch that stretches your cervix shut. Then it’s supposed to prevent preterm labor. I had told her that I wanted to talk to my husband and I had an appointment coming up two weeks later for January the 26th. I wanted to, you know, think about it and then let her know at that appointment whether or not I wanted to do either the cerclage or the progesterone shots.
Bianca 9:34
At that appointment on the 26th I had my anatomy scan. So they did the anatomy scan. They checked the baby and everything first, and he was fine. I actually got some ultrasound pictures where he was actually smiling.
Winter 9:50
Oh, oh, that is wonderful.
Bianca 9:52
Yeah. So that made me happy. Then she checked my cervix and I remember her pushing on my stomach. I can see because I have the screen in front of me and she was pushing on my stomach. As she was pushing, I saw something like an opening, every time she would push, I would see an opening. So I was like, “Is that my cervix?” And she said, “Yeah, you see that?” And I’m like, “yeah, that’s really weird.” It was opening really big. So I got scared. She had stepped out and said she was gonna go get one of the high risk doctors to come in.
She had left. And at that point, I didn’t think anything of it because I’m like, the baby was fine. His heart rate was good and he was moving around. He was doing everything he was supposed to be doing for his gestational age.
Winter 10:42
Right.
Bianca 10:44
The doctor had come in and they told me at that point, I needed to go over to the hospital to get an emergency cerclage put in because I was beginning to dilate and eventually he would come. I was nervous about that. I remember calling Michael. Michael was at work that day. I was like, I don’t want to do surgery. I went over to the hospital. They didn’t actually do it that day. They ended up scheduling it for two days later. I had the surgery done on the 28th of January, which was a Thursday
Winter 11:14
Okay.
Bianca 11:16
That Thursday, I went to the hospital, they put me to sleep, I was under general anesthesia. I remember the doctor that I had, it was just not a good experience. I felt like the communication was very off. So I had a ton of questions. I felt like my questions weren’t really being answered as they should have.
Winter 11:39
Yeah.
Bianca 11:40
At the time, Michael wasn’t able to come in because of COVID, I had to go for myself. So I got dropped off to the hospital. I remember just being frightened and I had questions. I felt like my questions weren’t really being answered. So they gave me the IV and I was getting wheeled into the operating room. I remember, they were telling me that I would fall asleep soon, because the drugs that they were giving me were supposed to make me go to sleep for the procedure.
I remember the doctor saying, “Oh my gosh, Bianca, this is going to be very risky.” And I was trying to get my words out to ask what’s going on, but I felt myself going to sleep because they had given me the medication already. I remember waking up in the recovery room, and I was like, is my baby, okay? They were like, yeah, the baby’s okay. It was very risky, because the membranes were beginning to come down and to my vagina. They had to basically push it back up and stitch it. It was risky, because during the process, there was a potential risk that he would break my water by accident. So luckily, everything was fine. Surgery and everything was a success.
Bianca 13:01
I waited at the hospital for a couple hours until I was able to recover. Then my mom came to the hospital to pick me up and brought me home. That was on a Thursday, so the Friday I remember being in so much pain, because of the surgery. So I thought, Oh, okay. I thought it was because of the surgery, I was bleeding, which they said would be normal because they tampered with my cervix. They said that the pain was normal because you know, they were messing with my cervix as well.
I remember saying to my girl, “I’m in so much pain, I’m cramping.” I had my previous son naturally, so I knew what the contractions felt like and it very much felt like contractions to me. I remember calling the doctor and I was explaining what I was feeling. They were telling me “Oh, no, that’s normal. Just take a Tylenol, you’ll be fine.” I had a checkup that Tuesday. So I was just like, okay, and I ignored taking the Tylenol.
Bianca 14:12
Saturday came and I’m just like, I don’t feel right. I had called the Doctor again and they have prescribed some type of medication that’s supposed to stop the contractions that I was having. I remember reading the back of the medication and I was like this says not safe to take in pregnancy. I was iffy about taking that. I was very iffy and my doctor reassured me that it was completely safe. He said he gave me a low dose and that it would help with the contractions that I was experiencing. I took the medication even though I had doubts from the beginning about taking it.
Bianca 14:54
I took that and then Sunday, everything just went downhill. My contractions were more intense, I started to feel a lot of pressure. I remember saying to Michael, “Should I go back to the ER and get evaluated.” And he was like, “Make sure you call your doctor first and see what the doctor says. I remember calling the doctor, this was the same doctor that did the surgery. He was just like, “Oh, I don’t think anything is wrong. But you can come in and we can evaluate you and see what’s going on.”
Bianca 15:27
So I remember going and I had to go by myself again, because of COVID and I had got there and I could barely walk. It was so intense that I could barely even stand up straight and walk because the pain kept coming very intense, very strong and quickly. So they checked me in and I remember going to the back you know, where they called you in to assess you and all that. Then the nurse was talking to me, and she was asking what type of pain I was feeling. She wanted me to change into a Johnny and sit down on the stretcher that they had there. I remember telling her, “I can’t even take my clothes off. I’m in so much pain, I can’t even take anything off.”
She helped me and I remember another nurse came in and they were going to do a speculum exam, just to see what was happening. They did that. I remember usually speculum exams her a lot for me. I remember they put the speculum, but it was barely in. They both looked at each other. Then they said that they had to call a doctor. I was very scared. I had turned to the nurse. I was like, “Is everything okay? “And she was like, “Well, the stitches came out and your water stack is right here. Like it’s right there.” I’m like, “No, like, it can’t be there.” I was only 20 weeks and six days that Sunday, I was gonna be 21 weeks, the following day. I was just like, “No, this can’t be.” So I was like, “Can you please call my husband?” So she was like, “Yep, you’re going to be admitted.”
Bianca 17:15
The doctor came down and the doctor was very blunt. He came to the room and he said, “You’re 20 weeks and six days, we’re gonna have to admit you and get this baby delivered, there’s going to be zero to little chance of survival for him because of his gestational age.” I remember saying to him, “Please hold, please just wait.” And I’m like, “Even if he comes this early, is there any way that the NICU you can, like, you know, help him out? Or like even get involved?” He said “No, because babies that little don’t have a chance of survival and the NICU you will not step in until a baby is at least 22 weeks.”
Even though he told me all that I remember just being there and I was in a state of shock. This can’t be my life right now. Like, there’s no way I didn’t want to believe it. For some reason, I had some hope that what he was saying was wrong.
Bianca 18:19
I remember the nurse had come back and she’s like ,”We called your husband, he’ll be on his way.” I remember Michael sent me a text and he was like, what’s going on, and I just couldn’t even respond to him because I didn’t know myself. I, for some reason, was just completely numb. I was completely numb to the situation. I just didn’t want to believe it. So, after that they brought me upstairs Michael came and the doctor was explaining to Michael everything that was going on. I felt very alone at that moment. I felt very defeated.
Bianca 19:04
I went upstairs, and I got admitted. Everything just happened so quickly. This was like on a Sunday afternoon as well. Everything just happened so quickly. They first had to take the stitches out before I could deliver because they didn’t want it to interfere with the labor process. I remember, I didn’t want an epidural. I didn’t want to take any drugs either. I wanted to feel everything. You know what I mean? Like because I wanted to remember him and I didn’t want to be completely numb.
I knew at that moment I was emotionally numb, but I didn’t want to be completely numb to the situation. They took the stitches out and that was a very painful process for me. Took about 20 minutes. For some reason my water was still intact. I was so hopeful that maybe they can take the stitches out and I can be on bedrest, you know, like, maybe they can keep me in the hospital and I can stay here. Everything can work out, maybe I can get to 22 weeks or they can possibly save him.
Winter 20:19
Yeah. Did the doctors give you any sort of.. it was.. there was no hope. They basically said there was nothing to do.
Bianca 20:29
I felt like they pretty much just wrote him off. At that moment. From the time I was in the ER, I felt like they pretty much just wrote him off like, she’s going to deliver and that’s going to be it. I don’t feel like they’ve done everything they could have. I felt like the doctor that I had was very harsh. When he was taking the stitches out, I wanted him to be careful, because I knew that my water was right there. Like the bag was right there. He was just so rough.
I remember, he put like an awesome object that looked like a hook to pull a stitch out. I just remember this warm sensation falling down my leg and I’m like, “Did you break my water? Did it break?” Everybody in the room just got quiet and I just started bawling.
Bianca 21:28
After that, they gave me some medication to get my labor to start to progress. I delivered Jalen on that Monday morning at 1:13 in the morning. Labor was very intense, very much real and painful. I had no desire to push because I just wanted to be pregnant for as long as I could be pregnant. I wanted to stay pregnant for as long as I could. I remember having this nurse by my side. She was very amazing. She was like an angel sent from above like she stood by my side the whole time. She rubbed my back, she laughed with me and cried with me. She was just so amazing and made the process and my experience so much more special. Not once did she leave me at all and I just felt like she was like a mom to me at that moment.
I remember pushing him out and I was on all fours. It was so difficult for me. I had no desire to push because I wanted him to stay in. I felt like he was safe there. He was safe with me and then once he came out it would just be over with and that’s the part that I struggle with the most. I remember him coming out and I took that last and final push. He came out and the room was quiet. I couldn’t see him because again I was on all fours and I remember turning to the nurse, “I was like is my baby okay?” She looked at me and she said “He has no clothes.”
Bianca 23:47
I turned around and sat down. She wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. He was so perfect. I remember giving him a kiss on his cheek and telling him how much I loved him and how I was sorry because I felt like my body failed him. I had so many plans for him. I was prepared. It hurts me so bad because I will never get to see his eyes, I will never get to hear his cry, or feel his little fingers wrapped around my finger at all. The worst experience was of course the labor, but saying my goodbyes to him at a hospital and leaving him there knowing that I was going home and not being able to take him with me. Being on a labor and delivery Ward with other pregnant women, you know, they get to see their babies and I leave mine behind.
Bianca 25:20
He did have a little bruising on the left side of his cheek. They did say that it was because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck.
Winter 25:31
Oh, really?
Bianca 25:33
Yeah. And so once my water had broken, with every contraction that I was having, and one stroke to get tighter around his neck. I feel like I just let him down like my body failed. This is like a meeting that we both wanted. We both agreed that we both were so happy about it. The kids are so happy to have him and then having to explain that he’s not going to be here anymore really broke me down. Especially with my six year old having to explain to a six year old that was so excited that he was going to help a brother that he’s not going to physically be here with us was hard to explain.
Bianca 26:32
Shortly after I delivered him. We decided to go home that day. It was a very bad snowstorm. I didn’t want to stay in the hospital. They did say I can stay for two days. I remember saying “No, I don’t want to stay here anymore. I just have to leave.” I kept seeing pregnant women, I kept hearing babies crying in the hall and I just wanted to leave.
Bianca 27:06
They did ask me how I wanted everything to go in terms of Jalen and I told them that I would reach out to a funeral home because I did want to have a service for him. Um, the hospital said that they do a program basically where they would dispose of his body. They would dedicate a plaque in our cemetery nearby. At that moment, I was just like, you know what I don’t want to… I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to be in charge of what I did with him with his body. You know, I don’t feel like we were going to stay in Massachusetts much longer. We plan on relocating soon. I would feel so guilty of not being able to, you know, have his remains with us and having him here in a cemetery where I wouldn’t be able to visit and I just felt very terrible about it.
Bianca 28:14
We both agreed to get a funeral home that we both were familiar with. They picked him up from the hospital. We ended up getting him cremated and we have his ashes and an urn in our room that we keep close to us. We created a memory table for him. It was like his pictures around and his Teddy bear that he was holding at the hospital. We have his blanket. We created a Memory Box for him with a pregnancy test and first ultrasound pictures of his blankets, his teddy bears that you know the blanket he was wrapped in and the teddy bear he was holding and the first outfit that we both bought for him. We have a lot of pictures that we took in the hospital that we’re able to look back on. I ended up getting those printed out and put that in his memory box. I’m so grateful that the nurse offered to do a little photoshoot for him.
Winter 29:29
Oh wonderful.
Bianca 29:30
Yeah, she was able to get professional pictures done for us that we have to look back on. She got him dressed up. She put on this really cute outfit on him. It was like a little baby blue shirt and she wrapped him up in a little Winnie the Pooh blanket where he had a baby blue knitted hat on to fit him because he was so tiny. He was 10 and a half inches long and he was 11.5 ounces. Very tiny, I was able to hold him in my hand. He was so tiny.
I was just grateful to have those pictures to look back on. You know, I really encourage pictures. Taking pictures, because at that moment, I didn’t want to take pictures, but I’m glad that we did. Because now, we have pictures of the three of us. It’s something that I cherish and look at every day. We had a funeral service, and the kids were able to see him for the first time there. They weren’t able to finally process it. Seeing him physically.
Winter 30:52
Did you end up calling or letting your kids know what was happening when you guys were at the hospital? Is that what happened?
Bianca 31:00
Yeah, so Michael ended up calling my daughter. She kind of knew when I had left to go to the ER, the night before. She knew something was wrong. When she noticed that Michael had to leave out. He had to end up bringing the kids to my mom’s house and said that he had to go to the hospital with me, told her that and she knew she was texting me with “Everything, okay? I wasn’t responding, because I didn’t want to worry her. He let her know that this is what’s happening and the baby is not going to make it. She at that moment had broken down which broke me down even more. My son just didn’t understand.
Winter 31:55
Yeah at the funeral, so they got to meet him? Was it just your family? Did any of your other immediate– like your mom, was she able to come and see him and meet him?
Bianca 32:10
Yep. So we had a more intimate service. It was just like, immediate family and some friends. Yeah, really close friends. Michael had two friends and I had my two close friends. They did it where they had us come like an hour earlier. So me, Mike and the kids. We had our time, our one on one time where we, you know, can have the kids process everything and see him and ask any questions they needed to ask.
Winter 32:52
How did they take it?
Bianca 32:54
My daughter was very hurt. My son was upset. I remember he had said, “You guys promised I would have a brother.” That was hard to explain to him like you still have a brother. He’s just not here. He has to be with God now and Heaven and he’s watching over us. He didn’t understand that concept. He didn’t understand why he had to go. And it was hard for me to explain to him why he had to go as well. I still struggle with that till this day. You know, he goes up to his urn, and he’ll talk to the urn, and help pick it up. And I’m like, “Hey, put that down.” So what I did was I went out to build a bear, and I ended up getting them a teddy bear for both of them. One has his heartbeat from the ultrasound in the arm and so we had a ton of clothes that we had purchased.
We were preparing, buying things little by little. I remember putting Jalen onesie on the teddy bear. And so he’ll go and he’ll push the teddy bear and hear the heartbeat and it plays a song, which is a song that we played at the funeral. He’ll go, he’ll hug it, he’ll play it and every now and again he’ll shed a tear and he’ll say, “I miss Jalen”, and I’m like, Yeah, I miss him too. It’s very hard. He has his days where one day he’s fine. And then the next day he’s breaking down my daughter as well. She has her days or some days it’s easy for her and some days. She’s hugging her teddy bear and looking at his pictures.
Winter 34:50
It’s so hard for the siblings. It’s yeah, yeah. Can you tell me why you guys named him? Jalen is that a family name is that I? Is that just a name you guys have really liked?
Michael 35:06
We were throwing, what seemed like 1000 names out. We probably said about 1000 names 999 were getting swatted by each other?
Winter 35:18
That’s what always happens.
Michael 35:19
Yeah, so I guess Jalen came up and we both we’ve finally agreed and we stopped that that because if not, we were just-
Bianca 35:30
So just read I really like the name Jeremiah.
Winter 35:35
Hmmmh
Bianca 35:35
Which is his middle name because my daughter’s name is Sanya. My son is Josiah and then Jeremiah, you get the ring.
Winter 35:42
Oh, there’s definitely that either, and I like it.
Bianca 35:47
So I love the name Jeremiah. Josiah is also a biblical name and so is Jeremiah. So I really wanted to keep back on as well as Michael. So I’m like, look at we’ll have all the boys in the house have a biblical name. Michael’s like, “I just don’t like that for a first name.” So first he mentioned Jaden, and I’m like, I don’t like Jaden too much because we have family members named Jaden. So I was like, what about Jalen, and so my mom’s name is Juliene and so she was like, yeah, Jalen, that’s perfect. She’s like, yes. So we ended up naming him Jalen Jeremiah and we both agreed to that.
Winter 36:35
It’s got a nice rhythm.It’s got a nice rhythm to it. I really like it a lot.
Bianca 36:43
Thank you.
Winter 36:45
So you guys have a nice little kind of a memory wall. A Memory Box for Jalen. Is there anything that you guys, what other things that you did during the delivery and even at the internment? Is there anything that you wanted to do? That was really special that you wanted to kind of remember him by? It sounded like you guys had a special song that you played for him too. During the funeral?
Bianca 37:12
Yeah, so we played Surrender by I think her name is Natalie. Um, so we played that song and it’s a really heartfelt song. My sister created a slideshow for us that we played at the funeral as well. So it was like, the moment we found out we were pregnant with the pregnancy test. We got those on camera. We were able to throw in his first ultrasound where they confirmed that, you know, there was a little Bean that was his nickname. We all called him Bean. Our announcement photo, we announced our pregnancy on Christmas Day.
Winter 38:01
Oh, fun.
Bianca 38:03
Yeah, so that was exciting. For us, everyone found out on Christmas Day, and I couldn’t hide it anymore at that point. It was like either I told them on Christmas Day, or they’re gonna just wonder what’s going on because my stomach was starting to poke out too much. Usually, like Valentine’s Day, He was born in February, the first and Valentine’s Day came. So what we did was go out and we bought a card. It was like a card for a loved one that’s far away. I bought him a card and wrote everything I was feeling at that moment in the card for him. I think I want to keep that going on holidays, like, include him and stuff like that, and continue to talk about him and, you know, plan for different milestones that he would have reached with our due date coming up.
I know it’s gonna be very challenging for us, but I want to do something in remembrance of him on that day. Whether it’s to go out and do something in memory of him or do a balloon release. I know at the end of the funeral, we went up to the park close by our house and we all let go–We wrote on a balloon, wrote him a message and we said a balloon release and let it go for him.
Winter 39:31
That’s awesome. That’s, that’s so that’s a fun thing to do. Yeah, send a message. Right.
Bianca 39:40
I think he sends us a lot of messages too, because I, I don’t really I can almost feel his presence with me. After I gave birth, I still feel like I’m pregnant. Like even sometimes I’ll sit here and I feel like I can still feel him kicking. It’s so weird to me because it’s like I’ll look at Michael I’m like, I feel pregnant. Like, I feel like he’s here. My stomach, I can feel him moving like, it’s, it’s the weirdest thing. I remember one day I was crying. And I just wanted him, you know, just couldn’t understand why I wanted him here so bad. My TV just shut off, or I’ll come across like a name. I’ll be working because I work from home and I’ll come across a name of a patient and it’s Jalen, and it’s just like, my baby is trying to like, talk to me. Let me know that he’s okay.
Winter 40:42
Yeah. Like, you know, he shows up every so often.
Bianca 40:48
Yeah, I feel like he’s trying to let me know. It’s so weird. I do. I do try to like, talk about him. I feel like it helps me a lot to like, continue to talk about him and share his story. I just wish that some days, I wish I could have had the chance to tell them how much I loved him and how much he was wanted and how much we all needed him. Especially me. I felt like I really needed him at this moment in my life. I wanted him more than anything. If I could have done anything to save him, I would have without a doubt. The moment I hit my second trimester, it was on game like I started going shopping. We had Michael put his crib up. We got the stroller, the car seat, the clothes, everything, we got everything but diapers and formula. So that was hard. That was very hard.
Winter 41:54
Yeah.
Bianca 41:55
I remember the day that I ended up leaving the hospital. I said to Michael, can you get somebody over the house and take that crib down and take the car seat and take the stroller and just get it out cause we had his nursery set up. I didn’t think I could come back home to that all being there. So I ended up getting dropped off at my grandparents house. Michael had called somebody and they took the crib out. We ended up donating it to a women’s shelter. I just kept his clothes. The only thing I did keep was his clothes. I haven’t gotten the courage just yet to get rid of any of his clothes. They’re all still packed away in his drawer.
As far as everything else, we got rid of all the big stuff that I just wanted it to go because I didn’t think I had the courage to walk into his room and see all that stuff there knowing that he wouldn’t be here with us and he wouldn’t be using any of this. It was his stuff. It just broke me down to even think about going home and all his stuff was set up and ready for him it tore me apart. So I did tell Michael to take that down. But the dresser with his clothes in it. Leave the dresser, everything else you can take, the stroller and the car seat. We didn’t throw away the box. So we were able to take that back. I just wanted it gone.
Yeah, I still have his clothes that I plan on keeping until it’s the right time. I don’t think it’ll ever be the right time, but it gives me comfort, being able to look at them. And you know, it gives me something that we bought for him. So I don’t really feel comfortable just giving it away just yet.
Winter 43:54
Yeah. And you, you should hold on to it as long as you need to. Because you know what you might need your kids might need to dress up their Build a Bears in a onesie or two. So yeah. Now is there anything else you would like to tell me about his birth or anything that you want to remember about him?
Bianca 44:18
Oh, yeah, so the hospital has a program, or like a support group called empty arms.
Winter 44:26
Mm hmm.
Bianca 44:27
They reached out to the organizer of the program. And I remember while I was in the hospital, she reached out to me and I remember just looking at my phone and I’m like, I don’t want to talk to anybody right now. I can’t explain anything about what just happened. I don’t even want to talk about any of this right now. So I ignored her for a couple of days. And she kept reaching out and eventually I opened up and I let her in. And she has some volunteers that go to the hospital. They’ll do things for the baby, which I’m so grateful for.
They were able to make us castings of Jalen’s hands and his feet. I do have that with his footprints and his hands to look at and have like a visual. That helped me a lot in this grieving process, every now and again, I’ll go in that box, and I’ll pull out the casting, then I’ll like, rub his feet and just look at them and look at his little toes and his hand, they were balled in a little fist. I just look at those. I’m just grateful that I had that and that support group. They do have meetings where I’m able to, like, have virtual meetings with other moms that went through the same thing. We’re able to share our experiences. I feel like it helps a lot to know that you’re not alone in the situation.
Before this happened to me, I never really thought about this like until it happened. Like, I knew this kind of stuff happened. But I didn’t know it happened like this, or, you know, like, I hear other stories and stuff. It’s just like, wow, it’s so yeah, the emotions are so raw and so real. I’ve had other losses in my life, but nothing compared to this type of loss. This type of loss was something that I felt like, it hit me deep down. Like, I know, every loss is painful. But this type of loss was something that was just I felt like I lost a part of myself, the day that I lost Jalen. And I don’t feel like I will ever be that Bianca, that I was in September 2020.
When I found out I was pregnant, I will never be that person again. The day that I lost him, I lost myself. Like he took a part of me with him. I feel like that’s the saddest part because I really, I had so much hope for him. I just, I plan for everything when you lose a baby, not only plan for the baby, but you plan for their future you plan for, you know, their first solid food and the first walks and all that. I won’t get to experience any of that with him.
Winter 47:58
Yeah, it is. It’s devastating.
Bianca 48:02
But yeah, it was definitely grateful to have the momentums that I did get for him and the pictures that I do have, that I cherish every day and you know, trying to carry on his memory and by creating that memory table, and we both have necklaces, in remembrance of him. And so we wear this every day. I haven’t taken this off at all.
Winter 48:33
Yep, I know what you’re talking about, that’s what you do.
Bianca 48:39
Yeah, so I think that’s my little bean.
Winter 48:43
I love that. I love that. Thank you so much for sharing his birth story with me today. I know it’s not an easy task to do that, but I hope that it has helped your heart and I hope it has. Well you’ll have this memory of it with you so, so thank you again, thank you again, Bianca, for coming on today. We will talk to you soon.
Bianca 49:10
Thank you, thanks for having us.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai