Parents Bianca and Michael share their experience of delivering their stillborn son Jalen during the restrictions of the COVID-19 pandemic. They also share things that have helped them grieve and mourn and celebrate their son, who was stillborn at 20 weeks and 6 days. They also share some helpful things that people did for them, who were supporting them, and they also share what NOT to say to a parent who has just experienced a stillbirth.
Watch here (YouTube):
Listen here (podcast):
Time Stamps:
0:00 Jalen
1:30 They knew
2:23 Only three weeks
5:40 Memory Table
6:23 Necklace
8:18 the weirdest places
11:20 Virtual Counseling Group
14:28 Journal
15:15 Jalen’s brother
17:01 Due date
18:02 Things not to say
19:40 You have two others
21:01 “Vacation”
25:33 Are you okay?
27:25 Prayers
28:12 Triggers
30:33 Last piece of advice
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You might appreciate these other episodes:
- Watch/listen Michael’s (Bianca’s husband) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
- Watch/listen Bianca’s (Michael’s wife) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
Full Transcription:
Full Transcription:
Winter 0:00
We are back today with both Bianca and Michael on our advice episode for Still A Part of Us. I just want to say thank you again, Bianca and Michael, for telling your son Jalen’s story to us today. That was super special. We really- I, it was very emotional. I’m grateful that you are willing to come on so soon after his passing. So thank you. Thank you again, for coming on.
Michael 0:27
Thank you.
Winter 0:27
As to give some context to our listeners, when was Jalen born?
Bianca 0:32
So Jalen was born on February 1st of 2021.
Winter 0:36
That, at the time of this recording everybody, that was just a little over a month ago. So this is very new for them. This is very, very raw for them. So thank you so much for coming on. It’s been just a little over a month. Tell me how that has been. As you guys have moved throughout your regular normal routines. How has that been to try and get back into life?
Bianca 0:59
For me? Um, it’s been very challenging. I do have my days of feeling down and defeated and feeling hopeless. Then I have my days where they’re good days, and I’m able to smile.
Winter 1:16
Yeah. How about you, Michael?
Michael 1:18
For me, every day is different. One day, I can be perfect. The next day seems like I don’t want to do anything.
Winter 1:25
Yeah.
Michael 1:25
It seems like me and Bianca are just staring at the wall constantly asking why.
Winter 1:30
Yeah.
Michael 1:30
Every time we turn around it seems like we have to tell someone new our story because they knew we were expecting another one. Or just they’re asking, which I understand they are asking a lot of questions. But sometimes it’s just like, I can’t, I could just tell you the A through Z, but I can’t tell you the rest of the alphabet, right now.
Winter 1:50
The why yeah.
Michael 1:50
It’s just too hard.
Winter 1:51
Yeah, that’s probably the worst part. I think when people are like, so happy. They’re so happy for you. And they are expecting to hear good news. And you have the complete opposite. It’s because they feel terrible about asking the question, I’m sure you’ve seen that before. And I’m wondering, did you guys take some time off from work? It sounds like Bianca, you’ve been working from home. So were you able to take any time off any sort of maternity leave or FMLA or anything like that?
Bianca 2:23
So I was able to take three weeks off. One week for the surgery.
Winter 2:31
Oh, okay.
Bianca 2:32
Which was before,
Winter 2:33
Right.
Bianca 2:34
I had Jalen, and then two weeks after I gave birth I had off. So I have three weeks total. In the state of Massachusetts. I didn’t qualify for maternity leave, because my baby was under 24 weeks, and he was not born alive. Had he been born alive. I would have qualified, but because he had passed before he was born, we didn’t qualify.
Winter 2:34
Oh.
Bianca 2:46
I did not get- I only got the three grievance days. Then everything else was basically like PTO.
Winter 3:11
Oh, that is a– that’s a punch in the gut, isn’t it?
Bianca 3:18
It was. It really was because it’s like you’re already going through enough. It’s like, I gave birth but yeah, my baby is not here. Right. You would think they would have something in place for situations like that. Yeah, so you’re still going through the same process as a mother that had given birth to a baby that was born alive.
It’s just that, you know, our babies were born sleeping and we’re still going through the same, the same feeling of lactating and you’re going, you’re going to be still bleeding and you’re still going to the physical pain. Your body just went through a traumatic experience. You just gave birth and I’m going to have the same feelings of like, you know, body wise.
Winter 4:13
Yeah.
Bianca 4:14
I still need time to heal. So, I just didn’t understand that whole concept of like, what they thought it was like, just because he wasn’t born alive. You know? That was hard for me.
Winter 4:28
Oh, it is. It feels like such an injustice. You’re just like, I don’t have a baby to have this justified. Yep, the bleeding and the lactating. It’s just It feels like a second- It’s just a second hurt to it all. I’m assuming Michael, you probably weren’t able to take any time off either or, you know, didn’t qualify for any additional bereavement time?
Michael 4:58
I didn’t- I did not. So, when I told my boss what happened on that Sunday, she immediately said take the week, don’t even show up. Don’t worry about anything. We’ll take it from there. I wanted to take longer, but since Mass. didn’t see it as worthy for paternal. She’s going to take her maternity leave. I felt like I had to go. I wasn’t fully mentally there.
Winter 5:24
Yeah.
Michael 5:24
But I had to be the one to go back to work.
Winter 5:28
Since you guys have been. It’s just been so recent. And I realized that you will develop other things that you do to kind of celebrate Jalen’s life. But what have you guys done so far to honor him?
Michael 5:40
The memory table that we have in his memory is huge. It feels like my stuff just got pushed off to the side now. He’s just, he’s everywhere. I’ve got clothes. I’ve got Build a Bear bears around here. Those candle lights that you just hit with the light and it will come on, pictures hanging everywhere.
Winter 6:01
Yeah.
Michael 6:02
He really seems like he’s here with us.
Winter 6:05
That’s great. I think that’s awesome. That’s in your room is that right?
Michael 6:10
Yeah.
Winter 6:10
So and then, if you didn’t get to hear what they have on their memory table, and like in their memory box, you should listen to the birth episode that Bianca and Michael have talked about. It sounds like you guys have kind of a little a lot of tokens. You also have necklaces that you guys wear. Can you describe the necklace a little bit more?
Bianca 6:32
Yep. So it is a mom holding a baby or cradling a baby in her arms. Then it has some diamonds. It’s a heart shape.
Winter 6:42
That’s awesome.
Bianca 6:43
And it’s actually like you can put ashes in it. Oh, so it’s like an urn.
Winter 6:48
Yeah.
Bianca 6:49
I don’t want to touch the- I don’t put the ashes in it. Because he was so little.
Winter 6:54
Yeah.
Bianca 6:55
I don’t want to tamper with his urn that we already have.
Winter 6:59
Right.
Bianca 7:00
So I just wear this in remembrance of him. And I leave his ashes alone.
Winter 7:00
Yes.
Bianca 7:06
Yeah. I don’t want anyone touching that.
Winter 7:10
Yeah, I wouldn’t either. I would be like, no, no, don’t nope. Don’t mess with my son. You guys work? You have two children. I’m sure you’re quite busy. But how do you take time to set aside some time to mourn because it is so new and so raw? And so it’s just so terrible. I’m just curious to know how you guys are handling the grieving process.
Michael 7:36
Really, whenever I guess we find time, or that sucks, but that’s more or less like we’ll do it when we’re cooking. When we’re just laying in bed not really doing anything. It sucks. Because when you’re when you don’t want to mourn is when you’re more like she’ll wake up at 3am crying and I’m like, I guess I’m up with you.
Winter 7:57
Yeah.
Michael 7:58
Consoling you. It just happens very randomly. We I want to mourn and it’s like, okay, I guess I’m not right now.
Winter 8:07
Yeah.
Winter 8:07
I’m gonna be doing something like, oh, here we go.
Winter 8:09
Yeah. Isn’t that so funny? I did not expect that to be starting to cry right in the middle of the grocery store or whatever. Right?
Michael 8:16
Right, right.
Bianca 8:18
Yeah. So for me, it comes in like, the weirdest times like, it just comes out of nowhere. Like, it just hits me. I can be working and I’m fine. I was just laughing and then I get so emotional. I think seeing baby boys is very triggering for me. I will see a baby boy and then I’m just like, gosh, like, get it together, get it together. Then we have because of this whole COVID thing, we have to wear masks going out. So it’s like I’ll have my mask on, but you can see tears coming down like trying to wipe my face.
But it’s so hard. Seeing like, baby boys or going into a Walmart or Target and I’m only supposed to go grocery shopping. Then you know, the baby aisle is right there. So like you’re, you see the stuff and you’re like, man, this is just I didn’t think it was gonna be this hard. But even this is probably why I don’t go out anymore.
Like I try not to leave the house and go to stores. I’ll just order online because seeing baby things is very emotional for me, especially after a long day of dealing with the kids. Once I have time to like, wind down, my mind starts wandering. Then I start to feel myself thinking and asking myself why, or that it should be different.
Michael 9:44
It’s really hard going places. She has her appointments that she has a follow up for postpartum. Unfortunately, I can’t go but when the doctor calls I say listen, she can’t sit in the waiting room with pregnant women. You’re going to have to –When she’s outside, she can call but she has to bring her in back door front, straight into the room. I don’t care how it happens, but you can’t, she can’t sit in there.
Winter 10:08
Oh, that is actually a great piece of advice too, because it really is a trigger like it is. It is so hard to see all of those things that just remind you that you’re not pregnant and that you lost a baby. And it is, that is a really smart idea, Michael, good job. You look. Good job standing up for your wife. Like that’s awesome.
Um, you did mention that you have Bianca go to or, quote unquote, go to I’m assuming zoom meetings for like a counseling group. Do you attend Michael too or is it? I’m not sure. Is it just for mom or dad also?
Michael 10:48
I attend. I’m not on the camera. I’m sitting there next to her.
Winter 10:51
That’s great.
Michael 10:53
I wasn’t not fully there yet ready to sit, or tell my side of the story because not most men don’t.
Winter 11:01
Yeah.
Michael 11:01
But I am there with her.
Winter 11:04
That’s great. Well, just some of the stuff I at least for the counseling groups that we’ve gone to has been, they just bring up things to think about and how you can process it. So I think it works. Regardless if you’re on camera or not.
Michael 11:18
Definitely
Winter 11:20
Bianca what are so of the things– both of you actually, what are some of the things that has helped by attending or listening in on those counseling groups or those grief groups?
Bianca 11:28
It is, the biggest one for me is that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. I have a very strong support system, I will say that, but for me, it’s like my support, like some of the people in my support system, have never gone through what I went through. So it’s very hard to put yourself in a place where you really don’t know what to say, or how to say it. So I think there’s a theory like, okay, well, the baby’s not here, or everything happens for a reason, right? But my baby, you know, mattered to me.
So I feel like going to those support groups allowed me to feel that it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. I’m entitled to feel how I feel, regardless of what anyone says, because there was some someone that mattered to me, my son mattered. I’m entitled to, you know, express my emotions for him, because it only expresses the love that I had for him.
Winter 12:36
Yeah.
Bianca 12:36
Me crying, and, you know, the pain that I felt was all love. It’s all out of love. And so, you know, if I make you uncomfortable, then I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry, actually. You know, this is how I feel. And you are entitled to feel that way. And I feel like it really helped me also, with, you know, going throughout everyday life and knowing that I’m not alone. Like there’s many other women in this world, that have gone through the same similar, you know, situations and we can all stand together.
Know that, you know, day by day, not gonna say it’s easy, but you know, step by step, it definitely gets easier and bearable, I would say. And manageable. Like I now know, before, like the first couple of weeks, it was just like, I was crying every day. And then I felt like crying. I went longer periods without crying. And you know, I have my days where I completely break down. But it’s manageable. And it’s okay.
Winter 13:45
It’s definitely a process. And it’s not linear. It feels like some days you’re like, I’m making some good progress. Then you’re like, oh, just kidding. Next day back to where you started. It feels like so. Right?
Bianca 13:56
Yeah.
Winter 13:57
Is there anything that you guys do, or have been able to do to kind of physically escape things that you like to do to distract yourself? I’m just curious, because some people like to have an out sometimes because I think grieving, sometimes it feels like you should grieve or cry all the time to feel close to your son. That’s the way I felt actually, when my son passed away. I realized I couldn’t sustain that. I just couldn’t sustain that. So is there anything that you guys do to try and have an out? Give yourself a break? I guess.
Bianca 14:28
Yeah, I journal.
Winter 14:30
Oh, good.
Bianca 14:31
Pen and paper, get my thoughts out whatever I’m feeling in that moment, writing it down on pen and paper and seeing it has helped me. I’m not one to really talk about how I’m feeling because I feel like no one really gets me and they don’t understand what I’m going through in this moment.
So writing it out, I feel like is equivalent to me talking to somebody that gets me. I’m able to say exactly how I feel even if what I’m feeling right now is I’m angry, I will write angry across the paper and put all the reasons why I feel that I’m angry because this is just how I feel in this moment. Then seeing it on paper and letting it out makes me feel so much better because I’m just like, I let it out. And I no longer have that feeling inside of me, you know what I mean?
Winter 15:22
Yes, for sure. Writing is so therapeutic. And you’re right, I think that there’s– we have a great support system as well. But having somebody that you feel like can understand you is really super important. There’s not very many people that have had the same experiences you have, or I have, and so yes, having a journal, writing it out is super great.
Bianca 15:45
Definitely.
Winter 15:46
It’s so helpful. How about you, Michael, anything that you do to release, or maybe even just check out for a second? To give yourself a rest?
Michael 15:55
Yeah, definitely. My son definitely. Does it for me.
Winter 15:58
Oh, really?
Michael 15:59
Yeah, he’ll say dad,let’s go watch something.? Dad, can we go here? Dad let’s go play together. Just anything. I’m just like, okay, I appreciate you. Even though he doesn’t understand what I’m going through.
Winter 16:10
Yeah.
Michael 16:10
He definitely-
Winter 16:11
-Is helping
Michael 16:13
He draws my mind somewhere else. So that definitely, definitely helps.
Winter 16:16
That’s great. You guys, you got a buddy right there. Taking care of you, for sure. You guys have talked about when you had his funeral, you actually went to a park afterward and did a balloon release. You’ve talked about Valentine’s Day, because that was the first holiday right after he passed away. And you guys wrote a letter to him or wrote cards to him for somebody that was far away. Like, I really loved that sentiment.
What other things are you guys going to try to do to celebrate? I know that that’s, I mean, there’s still a lot of things that are coming up. But you know, you do talk about his due date, and there will be a first birthday and there will be, you know, all of these things that are coming up. Have you guys thought through any more things that you’d like to try and do?
Bianca 17:01
So for him, for my due date, which is coming up on June 14, I want to get away, like, we’re gonna plan a little family vacation that weekend.
Winter 17:16
Good.
Bianca 17:17
My due date is on a Monday. We’re gonna try to go away for the weekend. Like, even if it’s like Saturday through Monday, or something just to be away and be with each other. Because it’s definitely going to be hard. We may do like a balloon release for him. And like, you know, I know, we were gonna do family photos together.
I was planning on bringing his little urn to include him in there. Probably like a balloon for him. Like, just to, like, keep him in our memory. I don’t know, it’s gonna be tough, but I feel like it definitely, it’ll be worth it. It’ll be something that we can remember him by.
Winter 18:02
Yeah, those holidays, you will, you will find are tricky. They can be just going to warn you Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Those are tricky. So just kind of keep that in mind if you approach them. Bianca and Mike, these are questions I like to ask every single episode of the advice, because I think a lot of people that are supporting lost moms and lost dads want to know what to say and what not to say.
So is there anything that you would recommend people maybe not say in that has or something that somebody said to you that maybe hurt you that you were like, oh, that was probably not the best thing to say. So something that they shouldn’t say? And then if there’s anything that you really liked, that somebody said to you that you’re like that that was helpful, that helps me get through this?
Bianca 18:53
Yeah, so for me, I would say the one thing that I hated the most was telling me everything happens for a reason, because you’re telling me this, but I can’t grasp the concept, or the reason behind why it happened. I get it, and I understand a lot of people don’t know what to say.
I’ve told many people if you don’t know what to say, just don’t say anything. Just give me a hug. You know, like, um, that would be the best thing you can do for me, but I’ve had everything happens for a reason, or at least you weren’t far along.
Winter 19:35
Oh.
Bianca 19:36
Don’t say that. You don’t say stuff like that.
Winter 19:39
Yeah.
Michael 19:40
For me the one that kicked me was at least you have two others.
Winter 19:44
Oh, yeah.
Michael 19:46
That was a real like, don’t taunt me to choose who– which kid is more important to me.
Winter 19:54
That’s a great way of putting it.
Michael 19:56
Yeah, I don’t need that. I also think people should just listen. So when I told everybody she was pregnant, every time someone asked me how she was or like what happened? Like she gave birth and they immediately said, congratulations. Then I’d be like, it was- hold on it was it was a stillbirth.
That one hurt me the most because I got it all the time because people are like, oh, we went to the hospital and everybody knew I was in the delivery ward. Everyone was oh, congratulations. I’m like, it wasn’t like that.
Winter 20:29
Yeah.
Michael 20:30
I think people should just really listen, let the person get out what they want before you start giving out, congratulations.
Winter 20:37
Yeah.
Bianca 20:38
It’s just like, even with the asking of the questions. It’s like, it’s okay to talk when you’re ready to talk. You don’t have to just because someone asked the question, you don’t necessarily have to answer, you can just say like, you know, I’m not ready to talk about it right now. I got that a lot. I went back to work after three weeks. And it was like, oh, congratulations. And it’s like–
Michael 21:01
Or someone saw that she was out for a while. She was really out two weeks. When she went back that Monday, someone said “How was your vacation.” It completely took her. She was done. It was another week after that. So that’s why she was out for three weeks.
But yeah, so I think people should definitely just listen, because when they said that to her, and she called me, I can tell it broke her the little bit of traction she gained or tried to recover, or recovery she was kicked back 10 steps.
Winter 21:34
Yeah, that is devastating. A vacation? Yeah, no, no. This is one thing I’ve noticed in talking to both of you today. I have noticed you guys have been so supportive of each other, you really kind of stick up for each other and are very sweet to each other. It’s been kind of, it’s been kind of cute to watch you guys.
So how would you say you guys are doing? How would you say the other person is doing for this grooming process? Is there anything that you’re concerned about? I know, it’s only been a month. But is there anything that you’re worried about for your spouse?
Bianca 22:06
I’m worried that Michael didn’t have a chance to grieve just yet. I know he goes through his moments of sadness, of course. But again, guys grieve differently. And he’s so worried about me and trying to make sure that I’m okay that I want him to make sure that, you know, he takes the time he needs for himself to grieve properly.
Winter 22:31
You guys are just the best, but you’re like you need to take care of yourself. That’s what I tell my husband all the time. So how about you Michael, what do you think of how your wife’s doing?
Michael 22:41
It’s different all the time. She could be fine for four or five days. Anything as small as a commercial would send her over the edge. I definitely would agree with what was said. I didn’t fully mourn, but when I see her completely breaking down, crying, can’t eat. She didn’t eat after giving birth, she didn’t eat for probably about two weeks.
So I think I go into the, I want to be the defense for I want her to I want her to eat, I want her to rest and I need her to sleep. All doctors are calling , they’re saying, oh, well, let’s just take this depression medication. I’m just like she doesn’t need that just stop trying to force feed something.
Like just give her some time to grieve. It’s only been a month. It’s not like this happened X amount of years ago. So I think I definitely didn’t mourn, but I definitely put her above and beyond my needs to make sure she’s okay.
Winter 23:46
I’m sure Bianca will appreciate that, or does appreciate that. How much you’re kind of protecting her in a way. So that is very sweet. You should take care of yourself too, though, Michael, I’m just saying. Have you guys had any thoughts about or any a-ha moments about life and death and/or, just your relationship as a couple or your family since this has happened?
Bianca 24:15
Definitely. Yes, definitely. I now cherish my family even more, because you really never know. You can really be here today and gone tomorrow. Everything will be fine one minute, and then the next minute, everything can change in a heartbeat. So it’s like, now I’m very overprotective, especially with my children.
I find myself saying I love you to those around me a lot more and expressing how I feel because you never know when you’re going to talk to someone again, or when you’ll ever have that chance to say something again. So I try to take in every moment of the day and live in the moment. Rather than trying to Plan ahead now.
Winter 25:02
That’s great.
Michael 25:03
Definitely I agree that we, I was the type of person that if she was like, let’s go to so and so’s house. I’m like, it’s Sunday, I got to work tomorrow. I’m not trying to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. Really. Now, it’s like let’s just go. We need to go see this person we haven’t, or even like, asking someone. Are you okay? I think is big for me. You never know what anybody’s going through. You never know. They might just need that one person to talk to.
Winter 25:32
Yeah.
Michael 25:32
That one person to really just listen. Um, so I find myself asking friends all the time. Like, are you okay? Like, I just need to make sure you are okay. That is what’s big for me.
Winter 25:43
That is really insightful, Michael. You never know what people are going through? And to just ask, are you doing okay, that is huge. Very good words of advice from both of you. Can I ask just a couple last questions? Was there anything that somebody did for you that really stood out to you? That was very helpful, very special, very touching to you.
I know that Michael, you mentioned that Bianca was like, get rid of the crib, get rid of the stuff. I cannot face it when I come home. And you had somebody do that for you. I thought that right there was huge.
Michael 26:21
I think someone coming in to pick up the crib, or even someone in general. Just like, hey, I need to do something and they just come fly right in. Picking up the crib was the biggest one because the hardest thing for me to do was to break down that crib.
Winter 26:35
Yeah.
Michael 26:35
So when they came in, like I called them, he was like, I’ll be there in an hour. They dropped everything that they were doing and came to help us. That was the biggest thing anyone’s really done for us since this whole process started.
Winter 26:48
Yeah, that’s so kind. They did it before you guys got home right from the hospital?
Michael 26:54
Yeah, I had to meet him there, but yeah. I wanted to get it out before she even saw it.
Winter 26:58
Yeah, yeah. And like the fact that he said they’re gonna be there in an hour. I mean, they did drop everything just to help you guys, that was awesome. Having somebody that is willing to help you at a moment’s notice is a lifesaver I think. Any other things that you guys thought stood out to you, that somebody did for you to help you through this? That is helping you through this?
Bianca 27:25
I would say prayers from those closest to us. Like the random phone calls just to check in to see how we’re doing. I’m just thinking of you and like you’re giving us the, you know, shoulder to lean on, especially in this time, was very helpful. You know, basically just being supportive and just listening. I can call you and you would not even have to say anything, just listen to what I’m saying.
Winter 27:58
Yeah.
Bianca 27:58
It was very helpful to have those friends that would call and just check in. We can absolutely be our most vulnerable self to them.
Winter 28:11
Yeah.
Bianca 28:12
That was definitely helpful. Receiving flowers for me, was something that just didn’t give me flowers. That was a trigger.
Winter 28:24
Really?
Bianca 28:25
Yes, every time the doorbell rang, and it would be like a flower delivery, it would break me into pieces. It was a constant reminder of what I just lost. Then flowers die.
Winter 28:39
Yeah.
Bianca 28:40
So, you’re trying to nurture them as I was doing. And then eventually you know, they die.
Winter 28:48
Yeah.
Bianca 28:49
So it was very hard for me to try to see the flowers and all that stuff. It was very terrible for me. I didn’t like flowers. We got gift baskets with fruit like edible arrangements and stuff like that. Fruit like those were good. Because, you know, like I can, it’s something nutritious to me.
Winter 29:12
Yeah.
Bianca 29:12
And, you know, in that moment of grieving and stuff like that it was very hard for me to eat. So giving someone fruit was more ideal for me. But the flowers were something that broke me down. It was a reminder of when we had to go buy flowers for the funeral.
Winter 29:31
Yeah.
Bianca 29:32
It was a bad reminder. But everything else from like the phone calls to like the sympathy cards and just checking in and you know, being very supportive was very good for us. I definitely encourage people to do that. Especially when they go through a situation like this.
Winter 29:51
Yeah. It is so nice when it feels like somebody remembers you, especially when you’re like this tragic thing kind of rocked my world. Then after the funeral, everything goes back to normal, right? Everything’s supposed to go back to normal and it’s nice to have people remember you, even to this day. It’s been two and a half years, almost three years since our son passed away, and it feels like I have people still checking in on me, which is a godsend, I think.
Bianca 30:21
Yeah, definitely.
Winter 30:23
Yeah. I’m curious to know, if you have any last piece of advice that you feel like, that has really helped you?
Bianca 30:33
Um, I would say reading. Reading has helped me a lot. I read books on bereavement and books on the loss of a child. That helped me and gave me a lot of insight on the perspective of losing a child. It allowed me to put myself in a different space.
Winter 30:56
Yeah.
Bianca 30:56
I really realize that, you know, we’re not the only one that goes through situations like this. And somehow, some way you will get through it. That helped me a lot. Also, taking time out to focus on yourself. I have a lot of self care, even if it’s to just get away, and like, go pamper yourself, like I went and got my feet done, or went and got a body massage. So just like really pampering yourself, and you know, cherishing yourself. It was very hard for me at first because, like I had said, in the birth episode, I blamed myself and my body for failing me throughout this whole process and allowing myself to know that it’s not your fault.
You know, unfortunately, this is something that happened, it’s something that became a part of me, and now it’s my story and who I am today. I’m trying to find the true meaning of Bianca, you know what I mean? And really pick up those pieces and move forward and accept that this is my story. It ends how, you know, I allow it to end. So I have to keep pushing and learn to love myself in a new way, which I’m still learning obviously.
Winter 32:18
Yeah, that’s, that’s very insightful. You know, you do feel like your body failed you, or something happened, but to take care of yourself. And also just remember your body is also a gift to bring these children into the world. I think that’s good to practice self care. Thank you so much for that. Bianca. Michael, do you have any last piece of advice, or anything that has helped you that you wanted to share before we close up today?
Michael 32:46
I would say don’t hold in your feelings. While they’re as good or bad. Just tell somebody don’t just keep letting it pile up because it will. You’re doing yourself harm a disservice. Just talk to someone you really trust.
Winter 33:01
Yeah, people need to remember that. I want to thank both of you for coming on today. I’m so sorry about your sweet Jalen, and I hope that this is a way that he can be remembered.
Bianca 33:15
Thank you so much.
Michael 33:16
Thanks for having us.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai