Lori Ann tells of her journey through infertility, miscarriage, and complications with her next pregnancy, which included putting in a cerclage due to an incompetent cervix and later her water breaking at 21 weeks. Instead of terminating the pregnancy, Lori Ann and her husband Matt decided to wait to see what would happen, monitoring her temperature to make sure she didn’t develop an infection. At 24 weeks, she was admitted until Owen was born at 26 weeks via emergency C-section. Owen was 2 lb and they were able to see Owen open his eyes, but he was struggling to breath on his own. They decided to remove the breathing tube, and she was able to hold him till he passed away.
Watch here (YouTube):
Listen here (podcast):
Time Stamps:
00:00 Baby’s name
01:47 Who the parents are
06:45 First Loss
12:29 Owen’s Pregnancy
34:14 Gender
42:54 Short Cervix
48:02 Water Breaking
1:08:47 Final Hospital Stay
1:14:53 C- Section
1:21:12 Meeting Owen
1:38:58 Time to go
1:42:20 Cremated
You might appreciate these other episodes:
- Watch/listen Matt’s (Lori Ann’s husband) birth episode of son Owen: Click here
- Watch/listen to Bianca’s and Michael’s advice episode after Jalen’s death: Click here
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Full Transcription:
Lori Ann 0:00
Owen David.
Lori Ann 0:08
When I first saw him, the first thing I noticed was his cute little nose. And I was actually kind of shocked with how much hair he had. And just his tiny little fingers. You know, every little feature when a baby’s that small, like two pounds, it’s just amazing how they are just a little human. They’re just so tiny, but I can just remember all of his features on his face, his lips, nose and eyes. They were just perfect.
Winter 0:47
Welcome to Still A Part of Us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy.
Winter 0:53
I’m winter.
Lee 0:54
And I’m Lee, we are grateful you joined us today. Please know that this is a story of loss and has triggers.
Winter 1:00
Thanks to our lost parents who are willing to be vulnerable and share their children with us.
Lee 1:04
If you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.
Winter 1:11
Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they’re still a part of us.
Winter 1:26
Lori Ann, thank you so much for coming on to the podcast today. I am just so glad that you reached out and are willing to come in and tell your story today. So welcome to the podcast. Yes, thank you. Can you tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do on a daily basis? Who’s in your family right now?
Lori Ann 1:47
Um, okay. So my husband and I met online actually on a dating website. Things progressed pretty quickly, which we were a little nervous at first, but you know, it ended up working out. After a couple of months, we moved in together, and we’ve been together ever since. That’s been eight years now.
Lori Ann 2:15
It’s just my husband. We have two dogs, which are pretty much basically our kids. They’re our lives. I don’t know what I would do without them actually, like they keep us going really. We live in the country kind of so it’s very secluded. We definitely really like that lifestyle, we enjoy being outdoors, hiking and doing all those fun things. For work, I am an ABA therapist. So I work with kids between the ages of two and five. We work on preparing them to go to school, and the kids have autism. So it’s a very challenging, but fun and rewarding job.
Winter 3:15
Oh, I’m sure it is.
Lori Ann 3:17
Yeah.
Winter 3:17
That’s awesome. Of course, you’re doing a lot of this right online at this current time or are you meeting people in person?
Lori Ann 3:26
We are actually. I go to an in center, some ABA therapists go in home. When COVID first happened. Well, Owen was actually born on March 10, of 2020. And two days after he was born was when they shut down.
Winter 3:50
Everything.
Lori Ann 3:50
Pretty much like the world.
Winter 3:52
Yeah.
Lori Ann 3:53
So my job had shut down for a couple of months, but I was on maternity leave, like already at that point. So I wasn’t really affected by that because I was already out. But then my job is considered medically necessary because Autism is a medical diagnosis. So they went back to work pretty quickly. I mean, I didn’t go back to work pretty quickly.
Winter 4:34
We’ll get into that a little bit more. So-
Lori Ann 4:36
-Yeah, we can get but um, we are in person and I work in a center. There’s just the three of us. So like three adults and three kids and then our boss.
Winter 4:49
Yeah.
Lori Ann 4:50
So yeah, we are in person. And yeah, I mean, I could go home, but I definitely prefer the center.
Winter 5:02
Okay. Okay, that’s good to know. What part of the country are you located? You can just give me generalities.
Lori Ann 5:09
Yeah we’re in New Jersey.
Winter 5:12
Okay. So back east there. Sounds like you and your husband like to do outdoor things, you have dogs and everything, any other hobbies that you guys like to do by yourself? Or together?
Lori Ann 5:26
We love watching different movies. It used to be Netflix a lot but Netflix, I don’t know, they’re kind of being a little weird. You know, wherever we can get some good movies.
Winter 5:43
Yeah.
Lori Ann 5:43
Definitely hiking with the dogs. Family means a lot to me. So we actually spend a lot of time with our families.
Winter 5:57
Are both sides of the family nearby?
Lori Ann 6:01
Matt’s mom is about a half hour away from us. Then my parents are an hour away from us.
Winter 6:08
Okay.
Lori Ann 6:09
But I mean I drive an hour to work every day.
Winter 6:12
I was like, that’s probably nothing for you.
Lori Ann 6:14
Yeah, that’s normal.
Winter 6:16
Yeah. Well, great. You did mention that Owen was born in March of 2020. So it’s at the time of this recording. It’s been about a year since he was born. Tell me, were you guys planning on getting pregnant? How did the birth? How did the pregnancy go? Was that something that you guys were hoping to have happen?
Lori Ann 6:45
Yes, I’m in 2015. We actually got pregnant on our own, and we were never not not trying. So we found out we were pregnant. Our wedding was actually in nine months. So our baby would have been due almost a couple of days before our wedding day.
Winter 7:14
Really?
Lori Ann 7:15
Yes. So that was a little bit of a shock. We moved things around and we moved the wedding up, and we did all these things, but then we ended up miscarrying at eight weeks.
Winter 7:32
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Lori Ann 7:34
I mean, we never found out why, or what happened or anything like that. I really feel like at that stage of our life, I had no idea. Anything about pregnancy. Like how difficult it would be to get pregnant. Or, honestly, how being able to get pregnant and carry a child is a miracle to me really. I know it happens all the time. I don’t know, it’s just not as easy as I feel like some people make it seem, at least for us.
Winter 8:23
Yeah, I completely agree with you on that. It is a miracle when babies get here safely.
Lori Ann 8:28
Yeah, it really is. I feel like when we had our loss, that was very hard for us. We kept our wedding moved up, because we needed something positive. So we decided instead of doing the April wedding, like we moved our wedding to November, and we kept it there. I’m glad we did because, you know, we just got married faster. Then it was fun. We saw all our family and everything like that. So that happened.
Winter 9:10
Actually, Lori Ann, I can ask you a question?
Lori Ann 9:12
Yeah.
Winter 9:12
Did people know that you guys were pregnant? Or did you kind of hold on to that for just a little bit and just started rearranging your wedding date?
Lori Ann 9:20
Because of the timing that had happened? I found out pretty early. When I went to my OB I was four weeks when I found out I was pregnant the first time. That’s when I was like, oh my gosh, like we’re gonna have to tell people because we’re gonna have to move the wedding like we can’t-
Winter 9:45
Yeah.
Lori Ann 9:46
We already booked the place and had our date and everything. So it never really crossed my mind that something would go wrong. Again, where that’s where I feel like we just really had no idea.
Winter 10:05
Yeah.
Lori Ann 10:06
You think you get pregnant and it’s like, oh, we’re gonna have a baby-
Winter 10:11
-everything’s gonna be fine.
Lori Ann 10:12
Yeah. So we did tell our family because we had to move our wedding up. So everybody already knew why we had to move the date.
Winter 10:26
Okay.
Lori Ann 10:26
So yes, everybody knew. Then everybody knew obviously that we had lost the baby. So, yeah, everybody. I mean, I’m pretty open with my family. So they pretty much know everything.
Winter 10:45
Did you feel like they were supportive? At that time when you guys had your first loss?
Lori Ann 10:50
Well, it’s kind of funny when we were on vacation with my family when we told them, and I can remember my dad kind of got a little mad. I don’t think that he was mad, but I think he was like, Why couldn’t you guys just wait till you’re married type of thing. He got over that within 20 minutes. Then he was like, I’m gonna be a grandpa. Then he was happy.
Winter 11:21
Yeah.
Lori Ann 11:21
My mom was ecstatic. My brother and my sister were ecstatic. Everybody was very happy for us. I feel like that loss I heard a lot. Oh, it happens to a lot of women, or it happens in the early stages. Things that people normally say that think that they’re trying to help.
Winter 11:53
Yeah,
Lori Ann 11:55
I mean, everybody was very supportive and understanding. My mom actually bought us little angel wings on our wedding day. I had my angel wings tucked in my wedding dress. Then Matt had his angel wings tucked in his suit pocket.
Winter 12:21
Nice.
Lori Ann 12:21
So, you know, that was like, our little remembrance for our baby that we lost.
Winter 12:27
Yeah.
Lori Ann 12:29
After that, though we were like, let’s just try again.
Winter 12:35
Okay, so you guys were just like, let’s do it. Let’s-
Lori Ann 12:37
-Yeah, we’re like, we know we want to have a kid, let’s try again. We tried for a year, but nothing happened. I always had issues and it just wasn’t happening. After a year or two, we were like, okay, maybe we should, you know, talk to the doctor and see if something’s wrong. I don’t think it should take two years for us to get pregnant again.
Winter 13:13
Yeah.
Lori Ann 13:15
So, I went to my OB and then we ran the regular tests and everything. Then Matt had to have a test and we found out that we both have issues. So with both the issues that we had, we were batting like 1% chance of us getting pregnant on our own.
Winter 13:39
Okay.
Lori Ann 13:41
They said that it was shocking that we did get pregnant on our own the first time.
Winter 13:47
Oh, okay.
Lori Ann 13:48
Yeah. So we were then referred to a fertility doctor. So we started seeing a fertility doctor. They decided, well, no, my insurance decided. Because you know how that goes?
Winter 14:07
Yeah.
Lori Ann 14:08
Insurance decided that we would have to do like three rounds of insemination. Then if that didn’t work, then we could go to IVF.
Winter 14:18
Okay.
Lori Ann 14:19
My doctors were thinking that IVF was going to be our best shot, and that insemination wouldn’t be your best shot. But we had to do the three rounds before insurance would cover the IVF
Winter 14:36
I see.
Lori Ann 14:39
I have always been very open about our journey starting at that point. By then we’d been married for a couple years. People are always like, “Where’s the baby?” Like, “When are you gonna have a baby?” Like, “What are you waiting for?” Then I would get so angry, almost like, I wouldn’t know what to say sometimes I would just be like it’s not always easy. Like, we’re struggling, okay. Like, it’s not like we’re trying.
Winter 15:16
Yeah. Yeah. Yes, it is, oh, you always feel a little like, gosh, you are probing into our very into our reproductive life really a lot by asking that question.
Lori Ann 15:29
Yeah. It’s not even that it’s just, I don’t know, again, I feel like I’ve learned going through this journey that it’s not necessarily the best question to ask couples sometimes.
Winter 15:44
Yes.
Lori Ann 15:45
Especially to just blurt out, like, “What are you doing? Like, “Why aren’t you having kids?” I get it, people want to know when it’s fine. But I was like, I’m done. I’m not gonna pretend like everything’s okay. I don’t want to have to be ashamed of myself because of not being able to be pregnant yet. I want people to understand that it’s not always going to be, let’s do it. Then we’re gonna get pregnant.
Lori Ann 16:24
So that’s when I started to be pretty open on social media, about our journey. I started sharing our journey with all of our friends and family online. I pretty much shared every step of the way with each insemination that we went through.
Lori Ann 16:48
The first one, it didn’t work. Then we just went right into our second one. That one didn’t work. The doctors were not optimistic about the third one working. So when we did our third one, I was like, okay, then after this, we can move to IVF. I was like, so let’s get started now. So then, because you always have that two week wait. You have the insemination. Then you have to wait two weeks to find out if it’s negative or positive.
Winter 17:29
Then you can start all the medications and everything.
Lori Ann 17:33
Yeah, but I wanted to be prepared right after that. That whole two week time I was sad to say I wasn’t really optimistic about it. I was more focused on IVF. They gave us all the paperwork, I had already picked up some of the meds. I had my schedule with the doctors.
Lori Ann 18:04
Then I can remember three days before or something like that. Before I had my beta day where they check your hormone levels. I didn’t feel right. I kept having this weird twinge in my stomach. I don’t know, signs that could be your period, or it could be you’re pregnant because they’re all the same sign.
Lori Ann 18:33
Right?
Lori Ann 18:36
Then I did, I ended up taking a test and it had two lines. And I was like, this can’t be real. Like, wait a second. I went up to Matt and I smacked him. I was like, Do you see this? It has two lines! Then he’s like, okay, so this is good? I’m like do you see this? It was a complete shock moment.
Winter 19:11
Right?
Lori Ann 19:13
It’s faulty. Give me another one. I literally took like, three.
Winter 19:22
Like I gotta make sure.
Lori Ann 19:26
Exactly. So I actually called the doctor. I’m like, I know you tell us not to take it early, but I took the test. She’s like, “Okay, well, let’s just wait two days. You have your blood work tests.” So, two days. Alright, so I took like, you know, 20 more pregnancy tests in between. How do you not?
Winter 19:55
Yeah, exactly.
Lori Ann 20:00
The line did get darker every day after that. So we did go in for my blood work. Then when you have your bloodwork done, the fertility clinic has until 7pm to call you back, right? You get your blood work drawn at 6am. And they literally have up to 7pm to call you back with the result. So we’re sitting at home. It’s like, one o’clock comes, three o’clock comes. Like, don’t you think this is something that they would want to call us and tell us now? Why are they-
Winter 20:45
Making us wait?
Lori Ann 20:46
Yeah, so finally we got the call. The nurse that we spoke to is like, congratulations, you’re pregnant. I was like, What? And she’s like, you’re pregnant. And I was like-
Winter 21:03
You’re still in shock about it?
Lori Ann 21:05
Yeah. I was like, Okay, thanks. She’s like, Well, congratulations. And I’m like, Okay, thanks. Then we hung up and Matt of course, standing there, looked at me. I can just remember, like, I was frozen. I was like, we’re pregnant. He’s like, well, why do you look like that? I’m like, I mean, this is what we’ve wanted all along. Now what do we do? Like, you know, it had taken so long to get that. That pregnant positive, and I was like, I didn’t prepare for when it actually did happen.
Winter 21:51
Isn’t that funny?
Lori Ann 21:57
So now what? It did take me a few minutes to soak it in.
Winter 22:04
Yeah.
Lori Ann 22:05
Then like, he’s like, Okay, well, are you gonna call your mom and dad? And I was like, yeah. So i called my mom and dad and they were waiting for me to call them. They knew we are getting the results.
Winter 22:19
Okay.
Lori Ann 22:20
So when my mom picked up, I actually started crying. To the point where I couldn’t talk crying. Later, my mom told me, she’s like, I literally was thinking in my head, like, how am I going to comfort her? She thought I was crying because I had bad news.
Winter 22:46
Oh, yeah.
Lori Ann 22:48
So I was like, we’re pregnant. She’s like, oh, my God and my dad’s in the background, like, yay! They were screaming they were so excited. Both of my parents are so amazing. They’re going to be the best grandparents in the entire world. They are just so excited to be grandparents.
Winter 23:18
Yeah.
Lori Ann 23:21
I was super excited. Then I was like, okay, chill out, everybody. It’s early. Because then I have in my head we had an early miscarriage the last time.
Winter 23:36
Right.
Lori Ann 23:37
So of course, that fear took over. But obviously, we are excited at the same time. Like, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Doesn’t matter that we have IVF meds in the fridge that we spent money on. Yes, we were going to need it, but now we don’t. But that’s okay, because we’re pregnant.
Lori Ann 24:02
When you see a fertility doctor, they see you until like, eight or nine weeks. They see you very regularly. So when you first find out that you’re pregnant, it’s like super early. They make you wait like a week or two I forget before your first ultrasound. Then that first ultrasound is really they just want to start to see like the sack growing
Winter 24:35
Right.
Lori Ann 24:36
Then the next one after that would be the heartbeat. The one after that it’s like you graduate. The first time we went, my doctor wasn’t too pleased. She said that they should be able to see the fetal pole or whatever starting to grow. She wasn’t sure if it was going to make it. That was very, very hard to like, hear. It’s just, you know, you think the two week wait is hard. But I felt like it was even harder to wait for a time like that when you’d like to hear the heartbeat for the first time.
Winter 25:29
Right.
Lori Ann 25:30
Sometimes I think it’s like, they check you too often with fertility doctors, because a normal person wouldn’t really go see the OB until, I don’t even know, like eight, nine week.
Winter 25:46
Yeah, it’s a bit later.
Lori Ann 25:48
Yeah. Don’t they tell you to like, wait a little bit?
Winter 25:52
Yeah. They do.
Lori Ann 25:48
So I can remember, we did finally get to hear the heartbeat. We both cried during that ultrasound, including Matt. That was a good positive step. Then I can remember the day we were supposed to go to graduate. Like graduating to go to your OB. I had woken up and I had some bleeding. It was at eight weeks. I woke up and was supposed to be going to the fertility doctor to graduate. I woke up and that was happening. I literally was just like it’s done. It’s over. That our drive to that fertility doctor, I just bawled my eyes out, like, so scared.
Lori Ann 26:10
So was it quite a bit of bleeding? Or was it spotting?
Lori Ann 27:03
No, it was a decent amount and that’s why I was like, this is it. You know what I mean? That was just like my first thought, like, eight weeks. This is when we lost our first baby. This is just like how it is. I can remember going to the fertility clinic. The vibe is very somber, and very heavy. When you go to a place like that. I was just sitting in the waiting room crying, there was no holding it back anymore. It was very hard to wait the 20 minutes or whatever they made me wait before I could go in to see the doctor.
Lori Ann 27:55
But we got in there. The doctor asked me what’s going on? I told her and through tears by the way, I’m still crying. So they’re like, all right, like, let’s take a look and see what’s going on. So they do the ultrasound, and then all of the sudden I can just remember the first thing they do is check for the heartbeat. She turned it up really loud. He had a strong heartbeat like it was just beautiful. To be able to finally be like he’s still there. We didn’t know what it was here. But I was like, the baby is still there. They’re so tiny at that stage that I think even in one of the pictures they look like little gummy bears kind of like getting that to the stage.
Winter 29:04
Yeah.
Winter 29:04
That’s one of my favorite pictures, like ultrasound pictures. Because he literally looks like a gummy bear. Even at that little stage he was wiggling around and it was just so special. I was so glad that I had that. Like got to see. Especially so early on and I’m like, Is that that is the baby moving? She’s like, yeah, like he’s like dancing around right now. Like, so awesome. I’m like that’s inside me. She’s like, yeah. How is that possible? I guess I had like, I don’t know what it’s called. I got like a clot or-
Winter 30:09
Hemorrhage or something? Okay.
Lori Ann 30:11
Yeah and they saw it in the ultrasound.
Winter 30:15
Okay.
Lori Ann 30:16
They said it was small and that it should resolve on its own.
Winter 30:21
Okay.
Lori Ann 30:23
Which it did. I only like bled for another day. Then I was okay after that I didn’t bleed anymore. So I felt much better.
Winter 30:33
Yeah. Was Matt at that appointment with you?
Lori Ann 30:38
Yes.
Winter 30:39
Okay.
Lori Ann 30:39
He was.
Winter 30:41
I’m sure he was relieved too.
Lori Ann 30:44
Yes, he was crying.
Winter 30:46
Okay.
Lori Ann 30:48
Um, I feel like Matt has, every ultrasound has been very hard. Because when we found out that we had the miscarriage, we went to the hospital to get bloodwork or the ultrasound done. And the techs can’t tell you anything, right?
Winter 31:08
Yep, they’re not supposed to
Lori Ann 31:10
No they’re not supposed to. So this tech turned with, like, we had the screen facing us. I had heard the heartbeat the week before, but Matt didn’t. This is for the first baby. All of a sudden, the tech kind of turned the screen, right. We can’t really see anything anymore now on the screen. Matt just remembers her writing, like NFR. He googled it and it’s no fetal, or whatever this thing was. It’s no fetal heart rate, or whatever the term was. He saw her type that in, but she didn’t, she couldn’t tell us that.-
Winter 32:02
Yeah.
Lori Ann 32:02
That happened. So ultrasounds now just petrify him. Because that’s what he remembers. So he, every ultrasound, he literally would hold his breath. Then every time as soon as we could hear the sound, he’d be like, visibly and very loudly let out-
Winter 32:32
A huge sigh of relief, right?
Lori Ann 32:34
Yes. So, yeah, so we graduated that day, they let us go to our obgyn. So then our 12 week appointment, everything was fine. They were telling us we had to wait until 20 weeks to find out the gender. I, of course, was too impatient to do that. So I did like a private scan or whatever for the gender reveal. That was really special because you know you’re with them for like an hour. They do like 3-D photos. They have just all the video I mean, we even got his heartbeat but- I am obsessed with turtles and we got his heartbeat put into a stuffed animal turtle. It was amazing. Because again you see this little body moving around and I couldn’t really feel him yet at that point. But that is when we found out that he was a boy. And-
Winter 33:59
How early was that?
Lori Ann 34:01
16 weeks.
Winter 34:02
16 Okay.
Lori Ann 34:03
Yeah, cause they won’t. At least this place wouldn’t see us until we were 16 weeks to do the gender reveal part of it.
Winter 34:13
Yeah.
Lori Ann 34:14
Um, so we found out the gen- like my husband and I found out he was a boy. Then I was like, Alright, we have to surprise my parents. So I didn’t tell my parents when we were going to find out the gender. My brother’s girlfriend at the time I told her and she got the pinata and filled it all with blue stuff and confetti and everything.
Lori Ann 34:51
Then it was actually on New Year’s Eve that we got to like, we’ve had My parents hit the pinata. My brother and my sister were there to find out the gender. My dad broke it. And all the blue fell out. He just was like, oh boy, I’m gonna have a grandson. So my dad was so thrilled, and so is my mom.
Lori Ann 35:38
For the rest of the night, I’m not even kidding you. Like, all I heard all night. My dad just kept rewatching the video. It was so sweet though. I’m like, really dad, again. He’s like, this is my grandson. This is my grandson. Don’t you touch that food or don’t you eat!
Winter 36:03
That is so sweet.
Lori Ann 36:05
Yeah, he was super excited. I had always known if I had a boy, I just always knew Owen was going to be his name. Matt didn’t really have a choice. In that sense.
Winter 36:24
Sorry, Matt.
Lori Ann 36:25
Yeah, sorry. But Owen has just- I don’t know why I just always loved that name. Obviously, his name is gonna be Owen. Matt and I had talked before that, that we were going to ask my dad if it would be okay, if we used his name as his middle name. I asked him and his eyes filled with tears because he was so honored that we would want our son’s middle name to be David. He just kept saying “Are you sure?” Like, yeah. Why? We wouldn’t be asking you if we weren’t sure.
Winter 37:28
Oh, that’s so sweet.
Lori Ann 37:29
Oh, of course he was beyond thrilled about that. I really had it. I don’t think I really had a difficult pregnancy. I mean, I was sick for maybe about a week. But that was pretty much it. I feel like I had the weirdest craving for ice water. Oh, yeah, it just sounded good. It just had to be extremely cold ice water. I’ve never heard that one before, honestly. I kept making a big deal about it. I bought all these ice cube trays. Matt became a pro at filling these ice cube trays and having them all set and ready because I would drink so much of it. He figured out a system to always make sure I had enough ice in the freezer, so I would never run out.
Winter 38:43
That’s a good husband right there.
Lori Ann 38:44
Oh, yes, he definitely was.
Lori Ann 38:48
But because I said to my husband, I’m not craving food. I don’t have a food craving. He goes “You’re craving ice water. You don’t know how many times a day you ask for ice water. That seems to be your craving.”
Winter 39:09
Oh, that’s funny. You didn’t even notice it?
Lori Ann 39:11
I did. Well, because I thought it would be food.
Winter 39:15
Yeah, exactly.
Lori Ann 39:23
I started to feel some movement around 17-18 weeks. It’s so little at that point. I never made it that far in a pregnancy.
Winter 39:38
Yeah, so you’re unsure what it’s supposed to be like?
Lori Ann 39:41
Yeah. Like is that gas or is that I don’t know. Maybe? I’m just gonna go with yeah, it was him.
Winter 39:52
Yeah, exactly.
Lori Ann 39:54
Then we had our anatomy scan which was at 20 weeks, and we have the same tech as we had for our 12 week scan. She was great because she walked us through everything as she was doing it. I liked that.
Winter 40:19
Yeah, I love that too.
Lori Ann 40:20
Yeah. Everything was perfect. He was measuring perfect. We got pictures of his little feet. His hand, at one point, looked like he was, kind of waving. He always did this thing where he had his hand over his head. Because she’d be like, well, I can’t get a profile picture right now. Because again, he’s got his hand over his head.
Winter 40:56
He’s thinking about stuff.
Lori Ann 40:57
Yeah. But that was cool to see 3D photos then, because we had seen 3D photos at the 16 weeks, and now it was 20 weeks. It’s amazing how quick they grow. I think he weighed about a pound or so at my 20 week. Gee, you know, they check the heart. They like everything. It was just so fascinating. To watch all of it. I was definitely feeling him a lot more at that time. So that was fun too. He would kick the wand thing or whatever.
Winter 41:53
Yeah.
Lori Ann 41:55
But when they check your cervix at that point. So she said she was having trouble seeing my cervix or something. So she said I’m just gonna go get the doctor. As soon as she walked out of the room I looked at Matt and I was like something’s wrong. I was like they’ve never gotten the doctor before. You know what I mean?
Winter 42:31
Yeah, they usually just go sign off the scans or whatever, right?
Lori Ann 42:35
Yeah. So I’m already crying at that point, of course, and the doctor came in, and they had to do another scan. Then they had to do an internal scan. This doctor was pushing on my stomach, so hard it was so painful. To try and get a better view of my cervix. He wasn’t answering any questions, he just kept telling us I’ll answer your questions. We know something’s wrong at this point.
Winter 42:35
Yeah.
Lori Ann 42:54
We get through that. Then he brings up the pictures, because yeah, it’s usually the screen was in front of us, for us to see. He’s well, this is your cervix and it’s measuring short. Then he’s like, “Can you see this line? It should be completely closed, but you have just slightly opening.” I literally at that point was just “Well, what does that mean?” What has happened? What’s happening?
Lori Ann 44:03
He said, “Well get dressed, we’re gonna go into our office.” So, of course I’m bawling my eyes out at that point, petrified of what he was going to say. When we spoke with him, he said that it can happen to women where their cervix might start opening too soon.
Lori Ann 44:34
There’s studies that progesterone could help it. So he said that he would want me to start taking the progesterone. He said that he has seen people have this then they go full term and they’re completely fine. Then there’s the people who they might have to put a stitch in to keep your cervix shut. All these scary other options that he shared, and he’s just do the progesterone for a week and then come back.
Lori Ann 45:15
That’s what we did, I did the progesterone for a week. Then when I went back after that my cervix had started to open more. So, at this point, they again said, you don’t have to do anything, you could just see how it goes. But it’s not good that it had started to open more in just a week, even, with the progesterone to try and help it. Or they could put a stitch in, it’s called a cerclage where they can sew it shut.
Lori Ann 46:00
They said that 80% of women or whatever the percentage was, get the stitch, and then they make it full term, and everything is fine. So I said let’s just do it. I didn’t want to take the chance that you know, something could go wrong, and my water could break, or he could come too soon, and whatnot.
Lori Ann 46:34
So I did that at 21 weeks. I was going out of work because my job is very physical. So my doctors wanted me not on bed rest, but I couldn’t be bending down and picking up kids. That kind of stuff. So they told me they wanted me to be out of work until I turned 28 weeks or something like that. As long as everything looked okay, I could return back to work. So that’s what I did right after the stitch was put in. It was literally February 1 when I had the stitch put in.
Lori Ann 47:26
Then I think it might have been February 5 or so. I was at home. My brother had just visited me. I was going to bed, I laid down and I was like, oh, I don’t know, I just had the weird feeling. Like I just peed myself. I hear sometimes when you’re pregnant you might pee yourself.
Winter 47:56
Sometimes it happens.
Lori Ann 48:02
Yeah, I don’t know what’s normal or not. So I got up and I went to the bathroom. Something wasn’t right. I felt you know what I mean? When something is not right. Honestly, I just decided okay maybe I just peed myself and I cleaned up. Then I went back to bed and I went to lay down. As soon as I went to go lay down again. More came out.
Lori Ann 48:43
I went to the bathroom again. I sat there for probably five minutes. I was just sitting there and I’m just like, this can’t be my water. This can’t be my water. This can’t be my water. No, this can’t be it. I was almost in denial for a little bit. Then I just kind of felt a little more. Slowly coming out.
Lori Ann 49:21
I went into panic mode, and I feel like it’s a blur after that. I’m pretty sure I probably screamed at Matt. I was like something’s really wrong. My water just broke. My waters had just broke. He’s like, “What are you talking about?” Explaining it to him. “We need to go to the hospital. We need to go to the hospital right now. This second.” Matt’s running around like a mad man. Trying to get things together. I just remember standing there, I couldn’t move. I felt paralyzed. It was so scary.
Lori Ann 50:16
I can just remember saying, “This can’t be happening. This isn’t what it is, it was just horrible.” Of course, the hospitals an hour away. So I don’t even know what Matt grabbed, I don’t even think I grabbed anything. I think I barely even got myself in the car. I don’t even know how I did that. But I got to the car. Again, I cried the entire way to the hospital. We were silent. I don’t even think we had the radio on. Matt kept looking at me. But I don’t think we knew what to say to each other. In that moment, because we were so scared of what was happening. I just, it was the longest hour to get there.
Lori Ann 51:20
I had called my OB and the hospital knew we were coming so they were ready for when we got there. They got us into the room. They put the monitor on and they found his heartbeat pretty quickly. So of course that is a relief right there. Okay, he’s alive.
Lori Ann 51:48
It took forever because it was so late at night for one of the doctors to come in and they did a swab. If it turns blue, then that means it’s your fluid, your amniotic fluid. I can just remember her looking at me, and she was just , I’m so sorry, but your water has broken, this is your water.
Lori Ann 52:23
I said a couple of curse words actually. Matt said that all I did was put my hands over my head. I just kept saying the F word over and over and over. I didn’t know what to say. Why? How? Why? Why is this happening? I just had the stitch put on it. Why is this happening?
Lori Ann 53:01
It was too late for- There was no doctor, I guess they’re to talk to us. So they moved us to the labor and delivery section. They explained that two things could happen. They needed to monitor me for an infection. They needed to keep a contraction monitor on. They said to me let us know, if you start to feel contractions. I was like, I don’t know what contractions feel like.
Lori Ann 53:50
I’ve never done this, I don’t know. All anybody ever kept saying was you’ll know. It was just very, I don’t even think we slept that night. It was just because at that point, they didn’t even do an ultrasound. They monitored his heartbeat. They kept the contraction monitor on my stomach. Which one of the nurses came in and they were like, why is your contraction monitor there? I’m like, I don’t know, they’re like, you’re so it needs to be lower because of how far along we were. She made a comment that all the other nurses probably just doesn’t know because this doesn’t usually happen. I’m like,Yeah, I know Okay, this doesn’t normally happen.
Lori Ann 55:00
My parents actually showed up in the middle of the night to the hospital with us. They spent some time with us. We have two dogs, so Matt had to go home to take care of the dogs. Then we realized that the dogs would probably stay with my parents, because we knew we were going to be in the hospital for a little while.
Lori Ann 55:32
We had many tough conversations with so many doctors. Maternal Fetal Medicine, NICU doctors, the OB. It was so overwhelming the amount of information that they gave us. When they did eventually do an ultrasound he had no fluid. There’s just nothing left, really.
Lori Ann 56:07
Oh course, they have to tell you all the scary parts. 21 weeks is not viable for a pregnancy. So they gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy, they told us, we could let mother nature take its course. Those were really two only options, either terminate or wait and see.
Lori Ann 56:43
When the NICU doctor came, I felt like that was the hardest part. Because I just wanted to know if he was in pain. He doesn’t have fluid. What does this mean? They just explained that they need the fluid in order to breathe. They need to be able to drink it, to then be able to let it out. It rotates. When a baby doesn’t have fluid to do that, then issues with the lungs develop or if it’s so tight, they could have clubfoot or, there could be deformities. Because if he’s in one position and can’t move around. All these things, but his heartbeat was strong.
Lori Ann 57:56
When we were there that had been the most I had ever felt him move. Matt and I were like, We can’t end this. I feel him. I’m feeling him inside of me. I can’t let go. I can’t just be sure, let’s just end right now.
Lori Ann 58:28
The doctors even said to us, they were like, if you were one week ahead, we would be like, hang in there. If you were one week before this, we would be like, there’s no hope like you need to end it. But because we were 21 weeks in that weird spot. They were like it could go either way. So there’s no right or wrong answer.
Lori Ann 58:59
As long as he’s not in pain and he’s not in distress we want to let nature take its course. To us, we had to do everything we possibly could in order to try and save him and keep him with us.
Lori Ann 59:25
So we were in the hospital for four days at that point. They were looking for infection and then they were looking for if I would be good to go into labor. I wasn’t going to start dilating because I had the stitch. So we stayed and we made it those four days because they say after those four days, if you made it that far you’re more likely to go at least another week before. They wouldn’t keep us there or see us again until 24 weeks.
Lori Ann 1:00:17
So they were like, go home and wait. They want me to take my temperature twice a day to make sure I didn’t have a fever. If I started to have contractions, if I started bleeding, or you know what I mean? I just had to watch out for all those things. So my parents only live 20 minutes from the hospital, as opposed to an hour for us. So to us, it made sense. To stay with my parents for that time being just in case. Then we would be closer to the hospital. That’s what we did.
Lori Ann 1:01:08
My sister gave up her room. So I had a bed, and I didn’t have to sleep on the couch. My sister and I slept in the same bed the first night. Then she’s like, I can’t sleep with you. I was like, What do you mean, you can’t sleep? I didn’t take up too much room.
Lori Ann 1:01:30
What are you talking about, we always share the bed. She’s like, it kind of made me sad, because she said I was scared that I’m going to hurt you. In the middle of the night. She moved her arm or she kicked me. She was scared that she was going to hurt, oh, or something. So she slept on the couch for the amount of time I was at my parents house.
Lori Ann 1:02:12
In between this time Matt struggled with going to work because he just wanted– he didn’t want to miss a second. He always takes care of me in any situation. He literally is the best husband in the entire world. It doesn’t matter what it is. But he was so on top of everything because they didn’t want me walking around too much.
Lori Ann 1:02:45
He was working nights at that time. So he tried working for a little while working nights and then coming home and taking care of me. But I was like, you can’t do that, you have to go to bed. Go to sleep. You have to. He was really struggling. So we looked into it and he applied for the Family Leave Act or whatever it is if you have to take care of somebody. So he applied for that.
Lori Ann 1:03:25
He kind of stopped going to work. He was just starting to make a name for himself at this company that he was with. He loved it. That was his dream job. He was finally moving up and meeting all these people that were the higher ups. At first I was mad. I was like go to work you have to do this, but then I was beyond thankful that he stayed with me because I needed him to ground me almost. I was petrified of every move, you know it was just a blessing.
Lori Ann 1:04:21
I got to have more time with Owen. At those stages I was feeling him a lot more. I learned that he loved avocados because every time I would eat an avocado and he would dance around or whatever. So I mean, I guess he could have hated that too but–
Winter 1:04:49
-He liked avocados.
Lori Ann 1:04:50
I’m gonna go if he likes it. But there was one night too that Matt and I were laying in bed. Then I was like, Oh, he’s moving around a lot. That was one of the first times that Matt was able to feel him give a little kick. We both cried because we’ve waited for that moment for years. It was just so hard to comprehend. l just kept thinking we’ve gone through so much to get to this point. Why is it becoming so difficult to go through it?
Lori Ann 1:05:49
As soon as we got to 23 weeks, and four days, I think it was the high risk doctor was like, “Hey, kid, you made it this far. This is a miracle alone as you’ve done this.” So they put me at the hospital. We knew walking in that that was going to be our home until Owen was born. So in our heads, we were, this is going to be home, we need to pretend we want to be here for a while. Obviously, nobody wants to be in a hospital for a while. But we wanted to be there for a while.
Lori Ann 1:06:43
My friends and family were so amazing. They all sent cards, and I can’t even tell you how many coloring books I got. We pretty much decorated the whole room the nurses would walk in and be like, is this your house? Yeah, you know we wanted to make it feel homey. I had my own pillow. We made it as homey as possible.
Lori Ann 1:07:17
Just because we wanted to keep it positive. We were trying to be as positive as possible at that point. A lot of the doctors were shocked that we even made it from 21 weeks of my water breaking to 24 weeks. So every day after that was a blessing because it doesn’t usually happen that way.
Winter 1:07:46
You knew that? Did you guys know that you were going to be admitted into the hospital? If you made it to 24 weeks and just monitor you and maybe even if needed they would induce? What was the plan from there?
Lori Ann 1:08:03
Us signing ourselves into the hospital at 24 weeks was us saying to the doctors that we want to take every life saving measure possible to save Owen. That meant I was not going to be able to do a natural delivery. I would have to have a C-section no matter what. Because if I started having contractions I wouldn’t have time to go through labor. He would have to come out quick if we wanted to save him.
Lori Ann 1:08:47
If I got an infection, then it would be an emergency C-section and they would take him out as quick as possible. They would perform life saving measures to try and save him at that point. So that’s what we were signing up for when we went back in at 24 weeks.
Lori Ann 1:09:10
There were more options, they still said that we could terminate at any point. Some people just waited at home until something happened. But at the hospital, they gave me steroid shots. They had me on really high doses of antibiotics. They monitored Owen twice a day for at least an hour. To make sure his heart rate was okay and that he wasn’t in any distress. The only time that I wouldn’t have a say about anything would be if I had an infection and if he was showing any signs of distress. That would be the time when they would have to take him out.
Lori Ann 1:10:08
So for the first couple days, I couldn’t even leave my room. I couldn’t leave the bed. Couldn’t, they didn’t want me to move at all. The first week has been spent being in the same room in the same bed for so long you go crazy. There’s only so much you can do. Then you just overthink. I did a lot of coloring. That is definitely for sure.
Lori Ann 1:10:48
My friends were amazing, because a lot of people came to visit me. All my co-workers came, my boss came and she visited me. My family came and they kept me busy. The people knew that I had two dogs, and I miss them terribly. So the liaison person made it a point that if there was ever a service dog in the hospital they made a special trip to come and see me.
Winter 1:11:28
That is awesome.
Lori Ann 1:11:29
Yeah it was very sweet. So gradually I graduated to being able to be wheeled around the maternity ward. I couldn’t leave the maternity ward, but I could be wheeled around that area. But that didn’t last very long. Because that’s a very hard place to be in, when you’re going through something like that. Because everybody has their babies and they’re all happy. It was really rough.
Lori Ann 1:12:13
So I spent a lot of time in one room for a while. But the doctors every day, we’re this is great, you’re doing great. He is a feisty one. Despite not having a lot of room. He’s doing those flips. He was running away from them every time they had to put the monitor on him. I can remember the one time the nurse, it took her 20 minutes to finally get them to stay in one spot. Then she walked out and I have it on video actually. He kicked it. It literally fell down my stomach.
Lori Ann 1:13:06
He hit it so hard.
Winter 1:13:08
That is awesome.
Lori Ann 1:13:10
The monitor just slid down my stomach. Yeah, so I mean, there were some good times. Matt got to see him. Sometimes if they’re in one spot your stomach will get hard in that one area. I can’t remember for the first couple of times, I was like, something’s wrong. Why is my stomach bigger on this side? It’s hard. The nurse was like, ah, nope, he’s just chilling up there right now. I mean, that was amusing and I’m just very glad that I got to feel those movements, you know,
Winter 1:14:04
Yeah.
Lori Ann 1:14:05
March 10th, I woke up and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t feel good. I knew I had a fever. You know, when you just have the aches and then I just really didn’t feel well. They came in and I was like, I don’t feel good, something is wrong. They had said that I had a fever. So they automatically hooked me up to the monitor for Owen.
Lori Ann 1:14:53
His heart rate was in the 180s and consistently in the 180, so that’s really high. It shouldn’t be like that. Normally, I would have felt him moving around a lot. I kept saying to them why I don’t feel him. They’re like, okay well, his heart rate. He’s alive. He’s in there. It happened so quickly I didn’t feel well, they noticed that his heart rate was too high. My ob came in and all I can remember is her saying, okay, Lori Ann it looks like today’s the day. It’s a good day to have a baby boy. Let’s get going. It seems like you have an infection. So, you know, he has to come out now.
Lori Ann 1:16:04
I was petrified. I couldn’t hold myself together anymore after that. In the C-section, they were going to allow Matt to come in, because I was going to be awake. As soon as I got into the OR, they had found out that they had just given me my heparin shot, I think it is for blood clots. They were like, you could bleed out, if we keep you awake. We decided that it would be a better option for me to be put out for the C-section.
Lori Ann 1:17:01
Honestly, I wouldn’t doubt it if they just said that because I was freaking out. I couldn’t calm down. I suffer from anxiety, normally. I was on a whole new level of freaking out. I just kept saying, but he’s only 26 weeks. He’s only 26 weeks and it just happened so quick.
Lori Ann 1:17:36
There’s a whole team of people rushing around you, and it was so overwhelming. The amount of people prepping you for a C-section. The doctors are telling me about knocking me out. Then they’re telling me Matt can’t come in. They actually let that in for a second. Just to wish me luck. Then he had to leave.
Lori Ann 1:18:21
It’s all a blur, but I was just petrified. I just remember, all of a sudden, I felt someone grab my hand. I was like, what? I looked over it. I guess it was a doula or something like that. I’m not 100% sure if that’s what she was. She just leaned in next to me, and was just like, Lori Ann you’re going to be okay, we’re going to take care of your baby. She was just so calm, and soothing. I wish I knew who she was, so I could thank her, you know what I mean? She totally helped me in that moment. Just holding my hand at that moment was something I needed.
Lori Ann 1:19:24
Then I was put out and then I woke up and in recovery. I felt so empty. I didn’t feel right. Just the day before I was feeling him and then he’s not there anymore. You know you think you have so much more time. My oxygen levels kept getting messed up. So I had to be in recovery for a little bit longer.
Lori Ann 1:20:20
Matt came down and he showed me a picture of Owen. But, you know, he told me, he came out and he wasn’t breathing. So they did have to intubate. So they did that. They intubated him, and that– I’m sorry, this is where I’m gonna get a little emotional. But Matt said, he opened his eyes. It was looking at him. You don’t realize how tiny a two pound baby is.
Lori Ann 1:21:12
Matt’s like, I’ve never felt so much love. In that moment, I was like when am I gonna see? You know I just wanted to see him. Obviously, I was very glad that Matt was able to, you know, show me some pictures. He had said that, the doctor said that he was doing the best he could it that moment, that, you know, he needed full support to breathe, but everything else was stable, that he was doing well. So that was a breath of fresh air.
Lori Ann 1:22:03
We already knew that it was going to be a long road, after he was born. The doctors weren’t going to be able to tell us how developed his lungs were until after he was born. So after Matt showed me the pictures he’s like, “Do you care if I go back?” I was like, I want you to go back and go be with him. I’m fine. My mom was there.
Lori Ann 1:22:40
My mom sat with me. So, Matt got to go back upstairs and spend some time with him. I finally got back to my room, which they still do in the labor and delivery section. Of course, even though they put that leaf or whatever on the door with the tear drop.
Winter 1:23:06
Yeah.
Lori Ann 1:23:09
I saw I was there. Then they had told me that it wasn’t gonna be until later that night because he was born at 12:06pm. So they said that I wasn’t going to be able to see him until at least later that night, because I had to relax and recoup from the C-section. My oxygen was still a little off.
Lori Ann 1:23:43
They had brought in a breast pump because I did say that I wanted to breastfeed. So they wanted me to start doing that right away. The nurses literally handed it to me. I’ve never used a breast pump before. She’s like, okay, here it is. I’m like no I need instructions. I have no idea what to do with that thing. So, she was explaining it to me. As she’s explaining it to me, I got a text from Matt.
Lori Ann 1:24:26
He said something, isn’t right? There’s a lot of doctors in here right now. There’s a lot of beeping. They’re hooked up to so many different things when they’re in the NICU. Okay. What’s wrong? He said something about his blood pressure kept dropping and his heart rate kept dropping, but they were giving him medicine for it.
Lori Ann 1:25:06
I’m not even gonna lie. When he sent that my thought was, okay, we knew this was gonna be a long road
Winter 1:25:17
Right.
Lori Ann 1:25:18
That was expected because we knew things could happen. Those things could go wrong. But it never crossed my mind that he would pass away. You know that feeling right? We made it, we made it to 26 weeks, he came out. He was doing so well. We’re gonna get through this, like, we did it. I just felt so sure. For some reason. I don’t know if it was just because I was like, this has to be okay. This just has to be okay.
Lori Ann 1:26:03
Matt eventually came back down to see me. We talked for a little while. Then Matt asked my dad to step outside. I found this out later, but apparently in the parking lot they were talking Matt’s like it’s not good. He said there are so many doctors in there, and they are trying everything that they can. But it’s not good. My dad was just like, okay let’s hope to wait and see.
Lori Ann 1:26:49
Matt didn’t tell me that yet. Because he didn’t– I mean, who knows, I probably would have ripped out everything possible and tried to get to him. I don’t know what I would have done, but Matt came back. He hung out with me because he said they were busy upstairs.
Lori Ann 1:27:09
Then all of a sudden the NICU doctor came in. He had five nurses with him or something. He said that we need to talk and asked if we wanted my parents in there or not. We asked my parents to step outside for the talk and they did. I knew when he came back down, why would he be there? You know what I mean. What would be the reason for him to be there at that point?
Lori Ann 1:27:58
The NICU doctor was amazing. He took my hand. He was so genuine and caring. He took my hands and explained what was happening about his heart rate, his breathing, low blood pressure and explained it all. I’m like, “So he’s dying?” The doctor was like, “Yes.” That is what he’s telling us because they tried every medicine possible to stabilize him I guess, but it just wasn’t working. They just came to the conclusion that his lungs just couldn’t develop enough at that stage.
Lori Ann 1:29:07
So he basically said, we want to get you upstairs now. So you could meet your son, and you can hold him and meet him before he passes away.
Lori Ann 1:29:26
So I’m like, “Let’s go.” It took all those nurses and doctors to try and get me up because I was probably deadweight to be completely honest. I was just like I didn’t know what to do. I was in so much pain from just having a C-section I shouldn’t have even been sitting up like that yet. I had to get from the bed to a wheelchair. They did it pretty quickly.
Lori Ann 1:30:12
I can remember going out of the room and because we had asked my parents to leave, and I looked to the left, where we came out of the room, and my parents were at the end of the hall. I could see the nurse holding them back a little bit because I was crying. They were rushing us upstairs. So that was very traumatizing for me to see my parents like that. But it’s definitely still something that I still struggle with daily, but we got up to the NICU.
Lori Ann 1:31:20
I heard them say give him a dose of fentanyl or whatever it was. I guess he wouldn’t be in any pain or anything. I guess that’s what helps them pass? You know what I mean? I don’t know, I guess that’s just that.
Lori Ann 1:31:44
Before they did that, we got to hold him. He opened his eyes, and was looking at us. Literally, the first thing I said to Matt was as I was holding him is he is perfect. That’s all I can say. He’s beautiful. He’s so perfect. It was just very hard.
Lori Ann 1:32:30
We are not religious at all, really. We had gotten into a couple of arguments, not arguments- discussions about if we should baptize him or not. We never came to a final conclusion. But when the NICU doctor asked us do you guys want to baptize him before he passes away? We were like, yes. We’re just like there’s no right or wrong answer at this point. If it’s gonna help him it’s gonna help him. If it’s not then it’s not. Just do it. At that point that’s kind of how we felt. So we’re like, Yes.
Lori Ann 1:33:31
I don’t know how, but the NICU doctor, I guess, is qualified to do that. He did it for us. So it’s not even that we had to wait for the priest or whatnot to come. So he did that. Then again, they eventually just took out his, he was intubated. So they just pulled out his tube. We just held him and told him how much we loved him.
Lori Ann 1:34:27
It’s so weird to think about it. At first I was so afraid to touch him. Because the NICU doctor at one point had told us that their skin can be so sensitive at such a young age. So I was afraid. He was wrapped in a blanket, so I was kind of rubbing the blanket a little bit. The doctor was like you could touch him, you’re not gonna hurt him. He’s your baby you can touch him. I was like, great. After that it was like, okay, like, I’m not gonna hurt so, you know, I got to basically just hold him until he passed away.
Lori Ann 1:35:24
I’m just so glad that he was able to– I’m sure babies at that age can’t see much. But you know what I mean? He had his eyes open. He was looking at us. I’m sure he knew our voices. All he felt right when he was passing was love, and so much love. I am definitely very grateful for that.
Lori Ann 1:35:59
The doctor did confirm, eventually that his heart had stopped. So it took Matt actually a little bit of time to hold him. He kept saying no he didn’t want to at first I was like, you need to hold your son. I know, it’s upsetting. I know it’s hard, but you need to do this. He’s so glad that I pushed him to hold him.
Lori Ann 1:36:40
It was just me and Matt for a little while. Then they asked if I wanted my parents to come up, because they were there. I said, Yes , let them come up and meet Owen. At that point he had passed, but they came upstairs and the look on my dad’s face. When he came in. My dad is not a crier at all. He was crying. It was just so hard to see them upset because obviously I knew how much they wanted to be grandparents. How much they loved him already and how much excitement they had for him and it was gone now. But they got to hold him and meet him. I am grateful for that and so are they. They are very glad that they got to spend some time with him and to see him.
Lori Ann 1:38:16
They let me wash him off. I got to change his diaper. I got to help– they were because you know, they do some photos and everything like that. So I was going to stay for the photos which I do feel we were in that room for a long time. But the timing is so blurry in the instance. I thought we weren’t there very long, but apparently we were there for hours.
Lori Ann 1:38:58
Then my I.V.’s we’re in the wrong place. So when my arms were bent I wasn’t getting my meds. You could tell I was starting to go pale and I was dizzy. They were like okay, I think it’s time for you to heal, you have to go rest now.
Lori Ann 1:39:30
That was really hard to have to leave him and I see the stories of how people got to spend a night or whatever it is with their children. I wish I could do something like that. I didn’t even know that was an option. Maybe the hospital I was at didn’t do that, or maybe they didn’t have a cuddle cot or something like that. Once we left then that was it. That was the last time that I got to see him. Obviously, no time is ever in a situation like that.
Lori Ann 1:40:26
I am grateful for the time that I did get with him. I just wish it was more, but I guess again, it’s probably never would have been enough. Whether it was 3 hours or 24 hours. I don’t think it would have ever been enough.
Lori Ann 1:40:54
I had to go back downstairs. That was pretty much it. That was the last time I saw him. I was at the hospital for two more days. Then they sent me home. The world was updated because of COVID all at the same exact time. That’s the whole thing.
Lori Ann 1:41:30
At first we were almost happy, not happy about COVID obviously, but happy in the sense that Matt and I were kind of left alone. We had that time to lean on each other, grieve together and heal together. Then at the same time I wish I could have had family there more often, but because of COVID and it was hard. Nobody knew anything really by that point about COVID so it was quarantined.
Winter 1:42:19
Yeah.
Lori Ann 1:42:20
Yeah. I mean, that’s pretty much what– we did have him cremated. I am very glad we did that. Now we have him with us every day. I have a necklace and his ashes are in it which is with me every day. I got a tattoo with his name and his footprints. I actually had a jeweler take his handprint and footprint. They literally took these are his actual size and outline of his hand and footprint.
Winter 1:43:18
Those are so sweet.
Lori Ann 1:43:19
Yeah. So I have those every day with me too.
Winter 1:43:26
Did you guys have a memorial service or anything? I know it was right in the height of the closed down because of COVID-19. So-
Lori Ann 1:43:35
I mean we did a little thing with our immediate family. Otherwise we couldn’t because of COVID there really wasn’t an option to do that. I mean, his first birthday was just on March 10. We did have a little get together with my family and my husband’s family. We had a little cake and everything like that. That was nice. That’s always nice. Yeah.
Lori Ann 1:44:19
Lori Ann thank you so much for telling Owen’s story. Is there anything else that you want to remember? Or that you’d like to share about that entire experience?
Lori Ann 1:44:31
I am just very grateful for the time that I did get with him, including when he was growing inside of me. That was a great experience. I am so grateful that I got to see him and hold him. So he felt the love and knew the love. I say he got to see us. He opened his eyes so like, I’m so glad that he got to see us. As he was passing that meant so much to me that I was able to do that.
Winter 1:45:12
Thank you so much Lori Ann, that was such a beautiful story and I’m glad you were able to share Owen with us today.
Lori Ann 1:45:19
Yes. Thank you.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai