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c-section

Baby Hazel, Stillborn Due to a Tragic Handgun Accident: Mom Bailey’s Story

January 15, 2024 by Winter

Mom Bailey tells about how she was shot below the hip in a tragic handgun accident, being 37 weeks pregnant with her first child. Her daughter Hazel died en route to the hospital due to the injuries she sustained because of the gunshot wound. Because Bailey was in stable condition, but starting to labor and in a lot of pain, they performed a C-section. She didn’t get to meet Hazel when she was born because she was in and out of consciousness due to her pain from the wound.

Watch her story here on YouTube:

Listen to the podcast here:

Shownotes:

Pregnancy:

Bailey discovered she was pregnant, when on a whim she decided to take a pregnancy test after watching YouTube videos about different families who were getting pregnant. She and her boyfriend were both shocked.

Despite being pregnant during the COVID-19 pandemic and experiencing morning sickness and weight loss, the baby remained healthy and Bailey received a lot of support from her family. They learned they were having a girl at a gender reveal party. As the due date approached, Bailey and her boyfriend prepared Hazel’s nursery, receiving gifts from a virtual baby shower due to COVID restrictions. They eagerly awaited Hazel’s arrival.

Handgun accident:

Bailey recounts the events of Memorial weekend, where she had maternity photos taken at a lake, despite her initial reluctance to have the pictures taken. The next day, while spending time with her boyfriend and some of their other friends, her boyfriend mishandled a gun and accidentally shot Bailey who was sitting next to him in the bottom of her hip, nicking part of her uterus. Despite initial confusion and attempts to locate the exit wound, Bailey’s primary concern was the well-being of her unborn baby. The EMTs arrived, and her anxiety intensified until she heard that they were able to find Hazel’s heartbeat.

Bailey, at 37 weeks pregnant, was airlifted to a hospital after the accident. In the hospital, they did an ultrasound and discovered that Hazel had died during the transport due to the injuries she sustained from the gunshot wound. The medical team also got x-rays and CT scans to determine the location of the bullet and found that it was lodged in her other leg, the bullet narrowly missing a major artery. Because Bailey was stable, but had started laboring and in a great deal of pain, her study team decided on a C-section to deliver Hazel stillborn. Because she was in and out of consciousness during the C-section, she didn’t get to meet her daughter, but learned that the doctor had placed Hazel on her for skin-to-skin contact before being taken away.

The medical team waited a few days to operate on Bailey further to remove the bullet, which they did successfully. Bailey remained in the hospital for a few more days and had to do rehab in order to walk again.

Funeral:

Returning home was challenging, especially with Hazel’s nursery all set up and ready. Family and friends thought ahead and helped pack everything up before Bailey and her boyfriend arrived home. Bailey with the help of her family started to plan Hazel’s funeral, and Bailey expressed her desire to walk before the funeral. Meeting with the funeral home, they decided on cremation. After the autopsy and before Hazel was cremated, Bailey and her boyfriend were able to spend time with her. She brought meaningful items like her baby blanket and her boyfriend brought his military name tag. During the hour spent with Hazel, Bailey touched her, read to her, and took pictures of her hands, legs, and feet. However, she couldn’t bring herself to look at Hazel’s face, because she was unsure of how she would look from the gunshot wound.

The funeral service was emotional, attended by a supportive community, and Bailey chose to bravely walk down the aisle unaided as a tribute to Hazel.

Autopsy:

After the tragic incident involving the unintentional gun discharge, Bailey was grieving her daughter Hazel’s death and regretting she had not looked at her face when she could. Her sister encouraged her to reach out to the doctor who performed Hazel’s autopsy. When she called the office, Bailey asked if they had pictures she could see and told them her story. She went to the office and discovered that the staff had made a slideshow of pictures, some edited and some unedited, to show to her. Bailey also describes the significance of obtaining pictures from the autopsy, highlighting a special moment where she saw unedited images that provided a more complete and beautiful picture of Hazel, bringing her a sense of closure.

Healing:

Bailey shares the aftermath of the incident, detailing her emotional journey and the impact on her relationship with her then-boyfriend, who was involved in the gun discharge. She emphasizes the challenges in coping with grief, anger, and the strain on their relationship. Bailey discusses her decision not to press charges, the support she received from her family, and the eventual end of her relationship. Over time, therapy, particularly EMDR, played a crucial role in her healing process. Bailey expresses gratitude for the support of friends and family and the podcast that provided solace during her difficult moments.

Time Stamps:

  • 00:52 Introduction
  • 02:02 Bailey’s pregnancy
  • 18:36 Handgun accident
  • 25:37 Hospital and Hazel is stillborn
  • 42:17 Going home and planning the funeral
  • 51:07 Hazel’s funeral
  • 57:21 Hazel’s autopsy
  • 1:04:34 Healing after

    Full Transcription:

    Bailey 0:00
    Hazel Kay

    I always remember her long hair, it was an inch and a half long.

    Winter 0:13
    Welcome to still a part of us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m winter. And I’m Lea, we

    Lee 0:21
    are grateful you joined us today. Please note that this is a story of loss and has triggers thanks to

    Winter 0:26
    our loss parents who are willing to be vulnerable and share their children with us. If

    Lee 0:30
    you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.

    Winter 0:37
    Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us. They’re still a part of us.

    Welcome to Silla part of us. We are so grateful to have Bailey here with us today to talk about her sweet daughter, Hazel. I am really looking forward to this conversation. I’m a little nervous, to be honest, because of a part of her story that is, is a little tricky. So I’m so grateful for you, Bailey for coming on today. So welcome.

    Bailey 1:11
    Thank you. And thank you for having me. I’m happy to be here.

    Winter 1:14
    Yeah. Well tell us a little bit about yourself. Tell us where you’re at and what your family looks like the time that Hazel was born. I

    Bailey 1:23
    live in a small town in North Dakota. I was just with my boyfriend and I at the time we just got a house. We’re starting jobs were young, 21 years old. Okay.

    Winter 1:35
    What were you doing for a job? And kind of what maybe what were some of your hobbies?

    Bailey 1:40
    Um, I was working at a daycare. And it was during COVID. So there wasn’t much going on. Yeah. I love to be in with my family and my nieces and nephews. Yeah.

    Winter 1:53
    That’s great. And just a little bit of point of reference. How long ago was Hazel born?

    Bailey 1:58
    She was born three and a half years ago, three and a half

    Winter 2:02
    years ago. Okay. Yep. So right smack dab in the middle of COVID. You guys I like it’s it’s nuts, talking to people that have gone through the COVID experience and having been pregnant or given birth. So there’s like an extra dose of sympathy from him. Because I just feel like that is hard. It is hard. So. Okay, so you guys were you had purchased a house together? You guys were young living together? And were you planning on getting pregnant? Was that something that was in your? Oh, no. Not at all. Okay, so super surprising. Yes. Okay, so tell me how that went then. Like when you found out? Or? And then did you tell your ex about that?

    Bailey 2:46
    Um, yeah. So I, it’s kind of a funny story. But I was by myself at the house. And I was just watching some videos on like YouTube. And some, like families that I watch recently, or whatever, and they’re all getting pregnant or whatever. And I was like, oh, that’s like, I don’t know, I just had a random test in my closet. And I was just like, let’s just take it like no signs of pregnancy at all. None. And then get there was

    Winter 3:19
    no way. Yeah, it

    Bailey 3:22
    was very shocking. I had no signs of pregnancy. Didn’t even miss my period yet. Like it was. Very soon, obviously. Yeah, completely. Yeah. And then yeah, I called him right away. And it was a shock to us both. We didn’t know how to take it in. We didn’t know what to do. He was working out of town at the time. And I was like, well, there’s always those things of like, false positives. I was like, that could be a thing, right? It was late at night is like 9pm. And I was like, I’ll run to $1. General real quick, because we live in a small town and went to grab a couple more tests took them and sure enough, I was pregnant.

    Winter 4:05
    I just can’t believe that you just took a test on a whim. Like, you’re like, Man, that is so funny. But yeah, sometimes I guess you get it when you get a feeling you get a feeling about something. Yes.

    Bailey 4:15
    Oh, yeah. I was not expecting that at all. Yeah.

    Winter 4:19
    So did you end up telling anybody like

    Bailey 4:23
    my mom, okay, right away. So by myself, and I was told her I started bawling. And I was like, I don’t know what to do. I’m young. I don’t have like a secure job. I was like, I don’t know how I’m gonna afford this. It’s like a big step in the life. Yeah. And, yeah, it was. And then I called my dad. And I said the same thing to him. And he’s like, we got this. I’ll be there for you. I’ll help you out when you need. You guys will be the perfect parents.

    Winter 4:52
    Okay, so you got a lot of support. That’s good. Yes, very. Did your boyfriend at the time tell his His family or is he from the same town by the way? Or is

    Bailey 5:03
    the same town His family lives in town? My family lives like 3045 minutes away. Okay.

    Winter 5:09
    Okay.

    Bailey 5:10
    So did you tell them how old? I think one of his parents I want to say his dad. And it was kind of the same thing. Like there’s obviously there’s a lot of anger, like, what did we just do, but also excitement, but also wondering, how are we going to do this? And he has a very supportive family as well. So it’s nice to support our families. Yeah,

    Winter 5:35
    that’s great. I, it’s always a little tricky. Yeah. When, especially when it’s a surprise, and you’re like, Wait a second. This is not part of the plan right now. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you guys, you’re pregnant? And obviously, like you said, quite early for you not even to notice that. I mean, nothing, had your period hadn’t been skipped or anything. Did you end up like, setting up an appointment with an OBGYN? Did you have a regular OBGYN that you were gonna go see,

    Bailey 6:08
    actually, my cousin works at the OB GYN in the town. And she kind of knew who to put me with or who to try put me with. I called them and made an appointment. Yeah, I found out in early October. And think I didn’t my first appointment in November. Yeah, I was. I wanted I was by myself. Because my boyfriend at the time was in the National Guard. And he had to leave for some training. Okay. Yeah. The town or the state. And so I went to the appointment by myself. Was

    Winter 6:42
    that around? It was a kind of early, like, eight, nine weeks or so.

    Bailey 6:46
    Yeah. Yeah. And my sister came, met me there. And then they did the bedside ultrasound. And they’re like, just the heads up. Like sometimes we can’t always see the heart or hear the heart because it’s it’s so little. And then I remember like, hearing everything go away. And they’re like, Well, you gotta be good. And then, yeah, so that made it feel all real bad. A little bit of pictures there. So I got to send it to my boyfriend. And that was pretty special.

    Winter 7:23
    Yeah, it is really amazing. Seeing that little. It looks like a little bean with a heart. Yeah. Okay, and then, how are you feeling at the time? I mean, now that it was a little bit farther along, were you starting to feel some of that any morning sickness or any other pregnancy symptoms? Ah, yes,

    Bailey 7:42
    I got really sick. But, I mean, ever over the sickness, it was all okay. And all other problems going on? So that’s always a plus. Yeah, total. It’s really sick and tired, obviously. But, yeah. And working and doing COVID started. Yeah,

    Winter 8:05
    I know. I was like, so you because you got pregnant at the very beginning of COVID. Is that right? So early? 2020. I think the United States shutdown in May in March, I think. Yeah, essentially. So. So you guys went? So you’re, you’re going along, and then tell me about how some of these doctor’s appointments are going. Kind of early on?

    Bailey 8:28
    Um, they’re going really good. I just went in came out because like, the quickest appointments ever,

    Winter 8:35
    because it was it? Yeah. It’s like, oh, everything looks

    Bailey 8:39
    fine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And when we came around that 20 weeks, when we were finding out the gender, um, we didn’t want to know, but we wanted to have like a little surprise party. Okay. Yeah. So that was kind of a cool ultrasound getting to see her for the first time, like, up on the big screen, seeing her feet move and her toes and her hands and just her Wiggles. And I remember the doctor kept telling us to, like, look away, and then we can look and then he’s like, I just got to double check. Again, so then we’re like, oh, maybe it’s a boy then. We didn’t know for sure. Yeah,

    Winter 9:19
    yeah. Okay. That’s, I’ve always kind of wondered how that works. But like, oh, yeah, look away. Yeah, I’m checking things out. Yeah. That’s cool. Okay, so And was your boyfriend able to be there at that appointment? Yep.

    Bailey 9:36
    Yeah, that was his first appointment coming to and seeing her. Oh, good. Cool. Yeah. Yeah.

    Winter 9:41
    And how did she look at that time?

    Bailey 9:44
    Um, good. Any issues they

    Winter 9:47
    or was Everything looking good with your placenta, everything

    Bailey 9:52
    was on track. Okay. Awesome.

    Winter 9:56
    Okay, and then tell me how how things went along with your Your next appointments and anything that you guys did to kind of celebrate Oh yeah, maybe tell me a little bit about your the your gender reveal party. Yeah, it’s always kind of fun to hear this

    Bailey 10:10
    is kind of funny too. Um, so we went to my sister’s afterwards and I dropped off the little envelope. And I was just wanted to look at it. It’s got to be a surprise for everyone. So put it in their mailbox and we drove off out of town. And what we did was my sister boiled eggs and then color them pink and blue. And then there is obviously a one raw egg. That was pink or blue. And, and so we had a couple of our friends and family over at my sister’s and we had a crack an egg over our head. Our color was cracked. But it’s so fun. Yeah. And I was like, Oh no, like, you get your hair done. You get all prettied up or whatever. And I was like, the egg is gonna crack on me. I just know it. But my boyfriend took one. He took a pink one right away. And there it was. It cracked right away the first one very first one.

    Winter 11:19
    Yes, that’s perfect, then yeah, it was like, Oh my gosh. Were you guys expecting what? Well, obviously, he grabbed the pink one. So I’m was he expecting a girl? Or was that just

    Bailey 11:31
    he kind of said, like, I’ll start on this end. You start on this end, and then we’ll meet like in the middle, but I was like, okay, whatever.

    Winter 11:39
    So are you were you told me? Were you excited for girl? Boy, I

    Bailey 11:43
    was so excited for a girl. Yeah, but I knew my bank account was not going to be excited.

    Winter 11:47
    No, girls are expensive. Seriously.

    Bailey 11:51
    But no, I was excited. Growing up, I always thought it was gonna be a boy mom. So it’s kind of cool to change it around. And then I was like, Oh my gosh, I gotta learn how to do hair. I gotta learn how to do all these things. That so?

    Winter 12:07
    I know. There’s not

    Bailey 12:11
    a girly girl. So I was like, Oh my gosh, you’re gonna have to paint her room pink. It can’t be gray.

    Winter 12:16
    It’s gonna be tough. Yes.

    Bailey 12:18
    But no, it was so much fun. Oh, good. Yeah. Googled all the things afterwards buying all the things and

    Winter 12:25
    you just get so it’s so exciting. It’s It is

    Bailey 12:29
    so exciting. Yeah. And the first girl grandchild on my side,

    Winter 12:35
    on your side. And that’s so so exciting. Yes. Yeah. Grandparents gets so excited about that kind of thing. Because that they get they get to buy stuff, too. Yes, yeah. When you guys found out that you were having a girl, did you guys start thinking of names? Or did you really have a list kind of go in? Um, names? Yeah. So

    Bailey 12:55
    we got that. I always want to say it’s like a tinder app, but it’s for names. Like you pick and they pick and then if you guys come together on one, it shows up on your guys’s list or whatever. So we went through that. And I always liked Hazel. It was always a name that was probably on the top of my list or in my list. I use a nanny a little girl. And her name was Hazel. And I always loved it from that second on, I was like, I am going to have a girl name here. So one day,

    Winter 13:23
    this is sweet. Sweet name is so cute. Yes. And

    Bailey 13:27
    yeah, we came up with a couple names kept going back and forth. And we picked one I think we picked like a I think we said Delilah right away. And then I was just like, No, I’m just not feeling it. We gotta come up with different ones. And you just go back and forth for more pregnancy. But yeah, we had a couple that we liked. But we didn’t want to tell anybody the name.

    Winter 13:46
    Yes. Oh, that’s good. Okay. Yeah. Because people have opinions about names. Yes, yes. They’ll shoot you down. You’re like I used to know somebody in high school. They were a jerk. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, awesome. That I think that’s that’s a cute name. Okay, so then the pregnancy is going along at two you had the at 20 weeks you found out well, right. I guess it was about right around 20 weeks. Yeah, that you guys had that. Okay. And then how else how were you feeling the rest of your tell me about any other appointments after that? I

    Bailey 14:20
    was feeling really good. Until about I want to say like 3435 weeks I started getting really sick. Oh, and throughout my whole pregnancy I dropped 30 pounds. So I never gained I dropped. So how sick I was. I wasn’t able to eat kept going into the ER getting fluids. Oh, no. Yeah. And then I like broke out. And like cold sores all over my mouth one day and I just couldn’t eat or drink anything. So then I had to go in and get flu words and then they sent me up to a different town with a more high risk pregnancy doctor. Okay, and so I went in there and that’s actually where I got the last 3d photos of her. Oh, so they did that. And then I got to see this video of like her hair through the ultrasound you could like see it like standing up?

    Winter 15:23
    That is cutest. That is the cutest.

    Bailey 15:26
    Yeah. But then, after all the medications I kind of felt a lot better than I was feeling good again.

    Winter 15:33
    She it just was like a viral infection or something. Yeah. Oh, that’s no clear. But yeah, yeah, that’s i It’s so tricky. Especially like, you mentioned you were doing COVID and all sorts of other things were popping up to you know,

    Bailey 15:48
    I thought I had COVID. And then when I was first starting out, you’re like, oh, my gosh, you have COVID Like, it’s a big thing. Yeah.

    Winter 15:56
    But you didn’t have that it was something else. Yeah. Crazy. Okay. Was, but Hazel was doing okay. Even

    Bailey 16:07
    the whole time. It was nothing with her. So that’s all I was like, alright, I’ll go through it all. You’re gonna be alright.

    Winter 16:13
    Yeah. You’re being miserable. I know. Yeah, we do so much for kids, right?

    Bailey 16:18
    Yeah, for real. And I was pretty much by myself. My boyfriend at the time had an older town job. So he was gone during the week. And so, yeah, there’s a lot by myself, but yeah,

    Winter 16:29
    that is. Did you take anybody with you though, to some of those appointments like your sister, your mom?

    Bailey 16:34
    Yeah. My mom and my sister usually came with me. Oh, bigger ones. Yeah, small ones. I just went in by myself, but okay. And

    Winter 16:42
    okay, so then tell me so that’s around 34 weeks that you got quite sick. Was that like a week or so? Um, how long was that? Second?

    Bailey 16:52
    Yeah, that was actually probably a couple of weeks. Two weeks. Oh, you

    Winter 16:56
    were sick a long time? Oh, yeah.

    Bailey 16:58
    It was it was miserable.

    Winter 17:02
    No. And then yeah, just tell me as as you go on, tell me what happens.

    Bailey 17:07
    I went on. Obviously COVID was there. And so places were shut down. We didn’t really hang out with friends. Unless it was like a small gathering in the house or whatever. And then it came to be made. And things were going good. We got her nursery all set for nursery was ready. It was ready to go or babies were packed. Around the 37 weeks. You

    Winter 17:36
    guys had to you guys probably had a baby shower and everything. Before actually.

    Bailey 17:41
    I said yeah. My baby shower was going to take place in March. Like right won the pandemic hit so so yeah, I had to have everyone just mail me the gifts. Oh, really

    Winter 17:52
    had a baby shower. Yeah, darn it. Yeah.

    Bailey 17:54
    But I just remember like, gifts coming in. And it was like Christmas every day. You walk up to the door and there’s a bunch of packages. Like we’ll take it. Yep. And so I actually just kept all the packages until my like, Baby Shower day. Yeah. And then we opened it up on that day. Oh,

    Winter 18:13
    yeah. Okay, that’s, that’s, I guess a good enough way to have a baby shower during Yeah. Yeah.

    Bailey 18:21
    I don’t think we need anything else. Her room is tactful. Okay.

    Winter 18:25
    So you guys were well stocked, though. I mean, yes. We got a lot of love from family and friends. So that’s great. Yes, very supportive. Okay, so sorry to interrupt here. So everything was packed nursery was ready to go.

    Bailey 18:36
    Yep. Yep. And it was Memorial weekend. And it was that Saturday, the 23rd. My sister has been begging me to do maternity photos. And I’m not a photo girl. I don’t like being in photos. But she’s like, You need to remember this too. first pregnancy. I was like, Okay, fine. So I got ready, we got ready. And then we headed out to the lake that was only like 20 miles away. And my sisters, and she had this arm land in the back of her like place. And that’s where we just took our maternity photos. And they turned out wonderful. I’m very thankful I have them. And that was the 23rd. And then the next morning was the 24th, obviously, and woke up and I was gonna go out to the lake to see my family again, while my boyfriend at the time went out to a friend’s house out in the country. And so is separated in different ways. And I decided to hide my family and then they were packing up to leave. I was like, oh shoot, like, you’re leaving. So I got to figure out a different thing to do today. And so I said goodbye to them and then I went back to the house and I called up my boyfriend’s like, what do you guys do mean? And he’s like, Well, you can come out here if you want, there’s nothing really going on. I was like, Okay. And then I always remember like going in and out of the house, like, I would go to my car, then I’ll be like, Oh, I forgot my water bottle, like go back in the house, and I come back out. And I’m like, oh, I need to do this. So it’s like those little things that you always remember. Like, were they all signs? I don’t know. But it was just took the felt like forever to get out there. And so I went out there on the country, and a couple of my friends were there, which was nice. So those people to talk to while the boys hung out. And the boys are just talking less girls got bored. So we went driving. And then we came back. And some more people were coming over. And it was kind of a first time like hanging out with friends with the whole COVID going on. Yeah. And so we’re sitting down around the table. And I remember like the topic about guns kept coming up. And which is whatever. And I remember there was a certain thing that they were talking about. And it was like about the grips on a gun. Oh, the grips, do whatever, I’m a gun. And I remember there was a gun brought out it was on the table. And again, talking about the grips or whatever. And then the person next to me, grabbed the gun, looking at the grips, checking it out, or whatever. And like when I say next to me, like we were literally right next to each other. And that’s when all of a sudden I was in shock. And I was in did not know what happened. My ears were ringing. And I knew the gun went off. And I remember just like what is happening, and everyone’s just like, freaking out around the table. And I looked down and I was like, I just got shocked. Oh, and that was neat. So

    Winter 22:07
    the person that was right next to you had grabbed the gun was just kind of messing with it. Yeah. And it discharged.

    Bailey 22:16
    It discharged. Yeah.

    Winter 22:20
    And so where was the where you said it was on the table, but this person had it in their hand or, like, from

    Bailey 22:29
    the table. And I’m guessing it was on my lap. I think I was talking to somebody else on this side. And then the person next to me was on the other side. So we were talking and then all sudden, it went off. And then you’re just in so much shock right away. And I just remember everybody just freaking out. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

    Winter 22:52
    Where did you get shot? Um,

    Bailey 22:55
    it was right in my bottom of my hip.

    Winter 22:59
    So bottom of your hip area and did it go?

    Bailey 23:03
    It’s like, where are your hip and your leg needs?

    Winter 23:05
    Yes. Okay. So through there. Yeah. So did it go through? You did? Or was the I’m assuming the bullet was lodged somewhere? Yes.

    Bailey 23:16
    Well, actually, that’s the first thing that everybody did. They came over and tried to find the exit. Yes. And we couldn’t find it. Couldn’t find it anywhere. I wasn’t bleeding. I wasn’t nothing was happening. That they just couldn’t find it. I remember someone calling 911. Yeah, and were

    Winter 23:38
    you in pain? I mean, like, I know, you were in shock. Were you Did you feel any pain? I mean, cuz shock can help protect you. For sure. Yeah.

    Bailey 23:50
    No, not that. I remember. I I wasn’t in any pain until later on when I went into back labor. But no, I know. I they kept telling me I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything. Okay. I remember I was sweating. I started feeling lightheaded. I was starting to like be a thing do you feeling Yeah. And I just like kept telling them what I needed as I need an ice rake. I need this. While they’re still checking me out all over trying to find this exit one and nowhere to be found. And so, obviously, my first thought was my baby. Is my baby going to be okay? And if I go is my baby going to be okay. I did not know what was happening. I didn’t know if I was just gonna be alive for a little bit and then I go, I was like, I just need to know that my baby’s gonna be okay for me to be stronger. In this moment, I just wanted to close my eyes and like go, Yeah, but I kept closing my eyes and then forcing myself to stay awake because I didn’t want to pass out until the EMT came and It was a bunch of them. They came and they brought. I remember a stethoscope and listening to Hazel’s heartbeat. And I could just kept telling me like, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know right now, if you can hear it or not. And then later I was like, I want to know, I need to know if you can hear it. Please let me know if you can’t. And he’s like, I can hear it. I think she’s still alive. Okay. Okay. Okay, we got this, then I was like, I’m going to be strong. We’re gonna do this.

    Winter 25:31
    And then, can you tell me again? What about week? Are you 3637 3737

    Bailey 25:37
    was just gonna go in for my next appointment that week. And I was actually going to be asked if I could be induced because my boyfriend at the time was leaving for 80. So they take like, two and a half, three weeks. Yeah. Long content. Yeah. Sounds like for him to be there with her for a little bit. But yeah, I was 37 weeks. And so I was like, well, that’s a good if she was have to be born right now. And if she’s alive, then there’s a possibility that she can make. Yep, she’s full term. And so yeah, I remember the EMTs coming up. Then it was up up on the stairs. So they had to put me on a stretcher, and then carry me down to lifeflight. I remember, like flight flying and meeting us in the driveway. And I kept asking if somebody could come with me. And they kept saying, No, I had to go alone. And then I remember if I need to go to my doctor that I’ve been seen, that is in a different town. But I had to go to the high risk hospital that had better people for please, actions. And so I remember going in there, or into lifelight, I kept asking someone to call my mom. And I just really wanted my mom to be with me. Yeah. And going into lifelight. And just talking to her asking her, like you feel like it’s gonna be forever to get there in the moment takes forever, but it’s just a quick trip. Like, I think it took seven minutes. And yeah, I remember flying and landing on the roof and going in through the door, and then all sudden, there’s a bunch of people, yes, and white, just all ready to go. I want to say there’s like 20 People just waiting for me. And they’ll push me in into this room. And I lay down and there’s a doctor there that was going to do an ultrasound and there’s a nurse by my head that’s just kept saying we’re gonna pray it before we find out and I pray that everything’s gonna be okay. Right that everything’s gonna be alright, and you’re gonna make it and I remember the doctor but the Jelani, but the ultrasound on? And she’s like, do you want to see the screen? Or do you not want to see the screen and I said, I want to see the screen. And so I remember her checking. And obviously it took a while. And then that’s when it hit me that I knew she didn’t make it. There’s no way. And then the doctor brought over another doctor and kept asking if they see anything. And then they push the screen away. And then that’s when it really hit that should not make it. And obviously I’m still in shock. At this point. No feelings are going through me. no emotions, no nothing. I was by myself. I didn’t know what to do. And then they turn the screen back over. And that’s when she said I’m sorry, really, your baby did not make it. And I was like, Okay, and what is the next step? Like I am by myself. This is gonna feel real at the moment. I feel like this is a dream. But I said, Am I going to die? Is there a chance that I’m going to die? And she’s like, we we do not know at this point. I said, she’s like you need to go and get a CAT scan because they said that if she was alive that they were just going to go straight into emergency C section. Yeah. But since she wasn’t they took the time to get the X rays to find more where the bullet was more aware what things were going on inside. And so I remember that I kept going in and out. At this point. There’s the stuff that like I can’t really remember but I remember going into the CAT scan And I kept telling them, they can’t lay on my back. There’s, there’s no way I can lay on my back because I was just in pain. They said it will only be a quick 10 minutes tops like, and I was like, okay, so they helped me out and put a pillow on my back. And then I went in, and they checked it all out. And that’s where kind of like my memory kind of stops. Yeah. Because then I went into emergency C section. I went out, obviously. So I remember a thing about it. And I remember waking up in the room. The doctor was there. And she’s kept repeating me like, What just happened? I lost my baby. And I was still by myself. And I was like, and I was my mom, here is my sister here. Is anybody here? And they said, Yeah, your mom’s here. She can come in. Said, Okay, so it was my mom, my sister, and my cousin that came in. And I didn’t know what they knew, and no idea. But I told them, I said, maybe that make it and I remember my mom saying I know. And that was kind of that was tough. Yeah. Tough knowing that. I don’t know, you get the nod. The blame comes for yourself. Like I was I there? What was I doing? You know,

    Winter 31:34
    after the CAT scan, they just took you or emergency C section right away. Right? And then did they? Did you get to see Hazel at all? Um,

    Bailey 31:45
    so right away? No. When the doctor was there that woke me up. Or when I woke up, she was there. She kind of told me that they placed Hazel on my chest and did that. A few minutes of skin to skin before they took her back. So I mean, that is really nice knowing but obviously it sucks not not being there in the moment and not remembering it or singing it or because

    Winter 32:15
    I mean, most emergency C sections. I mean, yeah, they kind of put you out sometimes and other times you’re I mean, yeah. But I was gonna say they were probably working on you as well. Right? They were sewing you up finding whatever needed. I mean, they need to find the bullet they needed to take care of you. What, what, what was all involved in that surgery to take care of you? Um,

    Bailey 32:38
    so basically, it was just a C section right now. They found where the bullet was a bullet was actually stuck on my other leg. Oh, well, I went through. I went through my uterus. And then but obviously very low. Yeah, yeah. And then was stuck between two bones on my left leg. Okay. Yeah. And the bullet was they told me it was point five millimeters away from a big artery. Holy cow. That I could have lost it. Yeah.

    Winter 33:15
    Holy cow. That was Yeah. I say lucky. But that is not. Right. Right word.

    Bailey 33:21
    I mean, obviously, the scenario I wish I would have went into would have been Yeah, no.

    Winter 33:26
    Okay, so they did the emergency C section. And, and then you came out again, and then were they going to prep do you prep you for what was gonna have to happen for the rest of the surgeries? And yeah,

    Bailey 33:39
    so they are? I think since I was doing all right, that they were okay with waiting a couple days before I did think it was two days waiting for my other surgery to get the bullet out. Okay. So we came back into the array was back in the room. And I remember, my boyfriend at the time went to go see a nurse to see if he could see Hazel, okay. And I’m pretty sure he got told No, not right now. And so he came back in. And that’s when the first time that we saw each other again. Then the doctor came in. And she’s like, do you want to see Hazel? Or, actually, I should maybe backtrack a little bit. So it was my boyfriend, my cousin, my mom and my sister. And they said, Do you have a name for her? And I was like, um, I don’t know. And then I looked at my boyfriend at the time and I said, he’s okay. And he said, Absolutely. And so that’s when we named her he’s okay.

    Winter 34:52
    That’s cool. And where did you get case? I should have asked Is that a family name or?

    Bailey 34:56
    Yeah, so my sister and my mom. See middle name. Okay, okay.

    Winter 35:00
    Yeah,

    Bailey 35:02
    that’s fun. Well, yeah, I named it after them. And then the nurse came in and asked if I wanted to see Hazel. And I said, or something along the line of my boyfriend saying, No, you didn’t want me to see her in the circumstance. And then then there’s

    Winter 35:23
    he said, No. Yeah, yeah, were you.

    Bailey 35:26
    And, um, and then I thought about as like, Well, maybe not. I don’t know what happened to her, you know, and has told me nobody has. Okay. Okay. I don’t know, if the bullet hit her. I didn’t know if I didn’t know. I didn’t know thing. Yeah. Um, so I was like, Yeah, I don’t want to see her. And it’s one of the biggest regrets in my life. But so we moved on. And she said, Well, I took some photos of her, just in case you didn’t want to see her. But I took these photos whenever you’re ready, if you want to see them. She just took them on her phone. It was something very special that she didn’t have to do. But she did. Yeah. And I said, Yes, I would like to see them. And so I think I backtracked a little bit.

    Winter 36:21
    Yeah, that’s Oh, no, that’s okay. No, it’s totally fine. I think that is we, I wanted, we should definitely spend some time on what you did with hazel, or what your decisions were with hazel? Because that’s like the Yeah, it’s important.

    Bailey 36:35
    Yeah. So obviously, we’re grieving together. And we had family come in throughout the night, it was a long night of just our immediate family come in right away. Yeah. And obviously, COVID going on, right away, I only could have one person, and then they bumped it to three people, and then all sudden, they’re like, whoever wants to come and see you can come in and see you. And I was very grateful for that. And yes, they gave me a big room. And I’d stay in that room until for a couple days until my next surgery. So family kept coming in friends kept coming in visiting us. And then a couple of days later, is when the doctor came in and told me that she took pictures on the phone. Oh, okay. And so this is when I already knew that Hazel was off to the autopsy place to get all her autopsy done. And then she was going to head to the funeral home.

    Winter 37:40
    So you guys did get an autopsy? I just I’m not familiar with because there was a gun in involved. The autopsy is an automatic. Is that correct?

    Bailey 37:52
    I think so. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, they had to do an autopsy. Okay,

    Winter 37:56
    gotcha. Okay, to make sure to kind of rule out whatever happened. And so yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay. And

    Bailey 38:03
    so the doctor showed us these pictures off of her phone. And obviously, we just bought looking at her how much actually at the time, we could not see her hair. Her hair was covered too is she had a little hat on, and then a blanket. And we couldn’t see anything else. I was just like, Oh, her face. And I mean, it was still very special. And we’re just, I’ll bet her nose was her chubby cheeks like it was actually like, I mean, we like, you know, you’re pregnant. You know, you’re gonna be a mom, but like seeing them in real life is a big. It’s a big difference. Yeah, that’s how I knew I was like, I That’s my daughter, my daughter right there. And I would say I just stay in a hospital for a couple of days. And before my surgery, and then I went back and got the bullet removed. And then I had to stay a couple more days. I think my total stay was a week long. The doctors brought in the mold of her feet, or hands. Oh, good. I have those which was really special. They took the stamps. And then they cut out cut off some hair. They did have a little envelope of her hair. Oh, good. Yeah. And that was pretty much our hospital stay away. People coming and going. We had funeral homes coming in. We had people to talk to for therapy, obviously it’s a big Oh, yeah. Big thing with making sure that we’re okay. And knowing the next steps. I mean, obviously you don’t plan for this in your life. Nobody plans this when they’re pregnant. And I never really thought I would be in charge of a funeral. Yeah. For my daughter.

    Winter 39:58
    So Bailey when you did finally show, talk to the doctor, and she showed you the pictures of Hazel, did you ask her any questions about maybe how she passed away? Obviously, you, you had a major trauma just that basically happened to you. So I’m curious if and it had gone through your uterus. So entered like, did it? Did it hit any bones or shatter any bones or anything like that? Okay, no, no,

    Bailey 40:29
    no, it just went straight through. Okay.

    Winter 40:32
    And then launched into your other leg into the bone itself. So, okay, but didn’t break that. Didn’t it just launch there? Okay. Yep.

    Bailey 40:41
    Yep. And, obviously, I, I was in a catheter for most of my stay. I wasn’t able to walk right away. I had therapy coming in, it was basically learning how to walk again. Yeah, no, I mean, how to get up. And I remember one of the days that they came in, they’re like, alright, we’re taking the catheter out. And I was like, no way. There’s no way I’m gonna be getting up and going to the bathroom. And so we pushed for it took a little steps day by day. Then I finally moved on to going up and down steps. And obviously, it was very slow, very hurtful. It was very painful. Yeah. They wanted me to be able to go upstairs, downstairs and be able to walk as our house had serious to get up to Yeah. Before going home. And finally got to the point where I was able to leave. We had a funeral in mind. But nobody was pushing things at the time, which was very nice. They said, let us take us at a at our own rent or at her own time. Yeah. And I remember packing up everything. And obviously, all the flowers, all the things that you get from everybody just very special. But also, it’s very hard to go walk down the halls afterwards without baby. Yeah. And I see other families being happy, which they should be, but it’s hard.

    Winter 42:13
    Yeah, you don’t have

    Bailey 42:17
    the drive home. Like I said, it was about 45 minutes from our house. So that drive home was really long. Really sad. And then getting home was probably another hard thing. Obviously, her nursery was set. We had everything ready, ready to go. We actually had family and friends come to the house while we were in the hospital. And they kind of helped us pick up everything. And we told them right away that we wanted the door shut to Hazel’s room. I mean, I had her bottles outed the clean mean stuff out. And so they kind of just packed it all up for now. Yeah. And so we didn’t have to walk in to everything baby girl for everything, baby. So we got home as long and then we’ve had to start doing the funeral process. And I always said that I wanted to walk before her funeral. That’s one of my goals. I want to walk without my walker. Yeah. So I don’t want to have her funeral until then. And we knew that she wanted or we wanted her to be cremated. Okay. So we met with the funeral home a couple of days later. And then they told us that she should be coming back from her autopsy. And then that will be a time where we can finally say our goodbyes before she goes and gets cremated. I remember waking up that day and feeling very sick. Like it was like the first time that I ever felt like a real elephant was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t know what to do. But I actually had my cousin who was a nurse was actually made a connection with their hospitals. I want to say aggrievement person who comes in and talk to them. Yeah. She gave me yeah, she gave me a phone call. And she kind of went through all the steps about how today’s gonna go. She’s like you can do anything you want. You can tell them anything you want. This is your child. If you want to write down a journal of what you want to say to his or you want to sing her lullaby if you want to bring anything to be cremated with like your baby blanket or a certain outfit, she’s like, you can do literally anything. She’s like, I want to give you some points. You take it and you can do whatever with them. That’s good. Yeah. And so I gathered Oh, my baby blanket. My boyfriend took his name tag from the military. And so we brought that in. And I wrote a little note that I still have what I wanted to say. And remember, our families came with us, our parents came with us to the funeral home, we kind of went over the steps of the funeral home what we wanted. And then it was finally time to go into the room and see her. And they kind of gave me some advice. So they said, We, I don’t know if it was that word for word, but it was something around like, not sure about holding her as she won’t feel like a baby. And I was just kind of crushed by that. I didn’t know how to take it, and didn’t know what that meant that No, like fluid or thing got to her. She was like, lopsided, like I still at this point, had no idea what truly happened to her. Okay. And and so we went in, they said that right away, she’s gonna be covered with two blankets. And then as you want, you can take off a blanket. And then you’ll see her arms. And then you can take off another blanket, and you’ll see her feet and her legs. And so obviously, you go in there and you see blankets covering your child is very hard to see. And so just took my time. And that was the first time I got to see her hands. And it was very special. She had really long fingers at the top. And then she had like, chunky from the knuckle down. Oh. That’s kind of like a memory we always have and what we kind of can laugh about is her. Only say her funny hands so long and skinny and chubby. It’s like her mom’s hands in the front. And then the bottom was her dad.

    Winter 47:05
    That’s funny is a hand. Yeah.

    Bailey 47:10
    Um, yeah. And then her legs and her feet. She had long legs. She was 20 inches long. And she weighed about five pounds in 10 ounces. Oh, yeah. And then we saw little hairs on her legs and our arms. And that’s kind of how I came out. I came out with a lot of hair came out a lot with a lot of hair on my body. My dad always made the joke that I was half monkey. Oh, yeah. But um, so it’s kind of special, like, seeing those resemblance of you on your child. And then I still didn’t see her face. It was covered. And it was something that I couldn’t do. And then obviously, the another regret that I wish I would have pushed for and pushed for my child and pushed for myself as being able to see her in person. Yeah. At the time, I was just listening to everybody else. And worried about everyone else’s feelings and not really on my own. And I knew that I I shut it on it. I should have looked at her. So I held her anything I wanted. Um, and then I think we spent about an hour in there. And then it was finally time to say our last goodbye. We gave her all the things covered are up on my blanket. And then we came back out. And there’s another tough day. Yeah, so my walker. I say it’s exhausting. You just don’t know how to cope with it. Yeah.

    Winter 49:04
    Right. In the funeral home is yeah, not. No, not great. It’s not

    Bailey 49:11
    at all I see this walk in and it’s just your motors. But

    Winter 49:18
    Bailey, can I ask you a quick question? What are some of the things that you guys did with her? For that hour that you spent?

    Bailey 49:27
    Um, obviously, I touched her the whole time. Yeah. I kind of got I read her what I wanted to say to her just apologizing for everything. And wishing things were different. Obviously, we had a couple chuckles about our fingers. So it was kind of nice when we’re just sobbing and crying. We had a couple laughs Yeah. But, and then I wanted to take some pictures pitches that I had. And so we took pictures of our hands and our legs and feet. And then we took them off holding them in our hands. So it’s kind of like us both. And then her feet were on. Those are pretty special pictures. Yeah. Basically what we did during the time, lots of crying lots of holding hands and just spending that time with her. Yeah, the first time really.

    Winter 50:24
    And and you did mention that you were worried about looking at her face. Up until that because it nobody still had told you what had happened or how she looked or anything like that. Is that right?

    Bailey 50:38
    No, no, nobody. I mean, I guess it’s not really a question I asked either, because I kind of just assumed, yeah, but I also did not know what, yeah, okay. Yeah. Obviously, I knew that that’s how she passed was from the bullet. But I didn’t know where it went in. Or if it went in or if it hit something. I had no idea at this

    Winter 51:01
    point. Yeah. You did have some other pictures from the doctor that showed her face and everything.

    Bailey 51:07
    Okay. Yep. Yep. So you hands more? Yeah, I had a picture of her face. And it was actually just a picture of her half face. There was a blanket covering the half of her face. So that’s kind of where I put into my mind that she that was where she got hit. Yeah. But again, I didn’t confirm it with anybody. It was just in the back of my mind. And so we planned the funeral that day. I think it was like a week or two later, I asked my sister, she would sing because she has the most beautiful voice. And she said, if you want me to I will. And so it’s a song I always remember. It’s jealous of my angels. And she’s saying that. And the other day of her funeral. We had an early morning. And I remember getting to the church. And all of a sudden this church was just packed. Sure. From top to bottom. We had a very supportive community. Yeah, I’m forever thankful for it. They were there for us. It was a packed church. And then the pastor told me, it’s pretty packed in there. I don’t know if you want to walk down the aisle or else you can come out from the side. Yeah, it won’t have to face anybody. And so we decided to come out from the side and go in the pew. And it was a beautiful service, a lot of cries. And then finally, I wanted to walk by myself down the aisle back. It’s just something that I wanted to do for her. I wanted to be brave, I wanted to be strong. And so we exited. We went down the aisle. And we had people come out. I was trying to get away and head to the house. But obviously when people come out, they want to see you they want to give you the hugs. And so I think I held almost everybody in there, which again is it’s grateful for

    Winter 53:09
    that support. Yeah, that’s awesome. That’s great. Yeah, yeah.

    Bailey 53:13
    But yeah, posters made or canvases. And I had her mold out. And then we got these like dog tags from the hospital too. So I had those out. And I have just like a little table of remembrance for her. Yeah. And so that was pretty special to have that.

    Winter 53:32
    That’s great. And then did you get the autopsy results after that? I know it takes a while to and autopsies to actually come back. Yeah,

    Bailey 53:45
    so yeah, we went through, obviously, you go through your own grieving process, your own therapy. And then one of the things I wanted to do was meet with a doctor. That was in my surgery, and I just wanted to go have an appointment with her. And I wanted to ask all the questions. Yes. I had a list of questions I wanted to know about her. And, and so it was a couple of weeks later that I went in, and I talked to her. And well, I also had to get my staples out, too. And so I got staples out on my stomach and staples out on my leg too. Yeah. And so

    Winter 54:22
    Oh, man, that’s like a lot of like, your surgeries, like your emergency C section and then plus your other surgeries like I Yeah, yeah, there’s a lot. That’s so much Bailey. Like, holy cow. This is crazy. Okay, so you went in and had those taken out? And then what did you ask her all of your questions?

    Bailey 54:41
    Yeah. So I asked her and I said, I want to know if the bullet hit her where it had her and where it came out or and I said, and then I asked, did she feel like a baby being held? And she said yes. And then that’s what I broke down, knowing that I made the wrong choice. And she told me that it did go through her head. And it came out to her head, went in her back behind her ear, and then came out on the bridge of her nose. Oh. So that kind of put into place by the picture that we had of her was covered. Yeah. We kind of talked about it, how she had tan skin. Her hair was crazy. It was super long, and did a little wave to it. And it was kind of I finally got that. I want to say I don’t like closure, a little bit of knowing what happened to her. Yeah. And, and so then, after that, I kind of just did a remembrance of her every month, we let go of balloons. And then obviously picking out her gravestone. We knew, obviously, she wasn’t gonna be buried there. But we want to do some Memorial bench for her or people to come and visit and just spend the time or. And so picking that out. It’s a lot. It’s crazy for parents just pick that up for a little baby. Yeah. And so we found the perfect one. And we got to make it personalized for her. And then I think I want to say it was about December, my sister and I were sitting at her house. And we’re just like talking talking about her. My sister was the most supportive person ever. It couldn’t have done it without her. And she’s like, did she go in for an autopsy? And I was like, Yeah. And she’s like, because I always told her he was one of my biggest regrets was not being able to see her. And she said, Oh, why don’t we reach out to the place that took it? And see, because obviously, they have to take pictures for them

    Winter 57:18
    for their reports and everything. Yeah.

    Bailey 57:21
    So she’s like, why don’t you reach out to them, and just see if they have any pictures. They’re like, we know what’s over that six month I was like, I don’t know if there’s a certain time limit that they keep everything or what they do with it. So I reached out to them. And the lady called me back a couple days later, and said, Yeah, we have pitchers. We have things if you want. And I said can I am I able to come and see them. I was like I told her kind of the story. I said, I didn’t, I wasn’t able to see her. I wasn’t able to do anything. I just want to see her I want to see it before her. And she said absolutely. So we arranged a time. And my sister came with me. And we came in and it was pretty special. Like they they could have just given me these pictures. And that’s it. But this girl went above and beyond. And I walked in and it was like a slideshow. Oh, Baby Hazel. Oh baby girl, Hazel. And I was like, This is awesome. So kind. Yeah. And so her and I talked about it. And she said the first picture is this. The second picture is this. And then the third is when you’ll see her like fully without edited without anything because she said that her and another person she worked with, they actually took the time to edit photos between the time that I called now. And so she told me she’s like, this is an edited one. And it was like her full face. Yeah. And it was just beautiful. I could see her for who she was. Yeah, the whole her. And that’s when I first time I saw her hair. And I looked at my sister and I was like, holy cow. She has a lot of hair. Yeah. And that was pretty special. I mean, it was dark. And that’s when she told me that her eyes were brown. Oh, okay. And I was like, oh, that’s something I just didn’t think of I didn’t think to ask I didn’t think of what the colors they would be you know. And so at the time, yeah, her eyes were brown. So that was pretty special. Because I got blue eyes. Yeah. But um, yeah. And so we went through those pictures. And then it was she’s like this next one is unedited. You’re gonna see it and I said it, okay. And she’s like, I’m just gonna give you a heads up, like where it is on her work, what you will see and everything. And then I look at it and my stomach just dropped. And I said this is this is her, and is actually pretty special to know. Like, you couldn’t really see anything at all. There was no, I mean, obviously there was damage, there’s blood there was a little bit but nothing that I was pictured in my head. Okay. You couldn’t fully see the exit hole you couldn’t really see much. And it was just the most beautiful picture. Oh, okay. Yeah,

    Winter 1:00:45
    that’s a nice thing right there. Holy cow. That is

    Bailey 1:00:48
    Yeah. And then. So that was a close up of her. And then the next one was her full body. And those are the two pictures that I have on my phone that I just I love them. Because I can see her full body. Like I can see your stomach. I can see her legs. I can see your neck. I can see your head like just everything. And it’s it’s just perfect. Perfect little baby. Yay.

    Winter 1:01:12
    Yeah, those little babies. Yeah. So they’re just, they’re perfect. Right? They

    Bailey 1:01:19
    are? Yes.

    Winter 1:01:21
    What a special. First of all, I’m going to say your sister is a godsend because like even just to put that in your head to just go try and see if you can get that file or or the picture. Absolutely. I think that was a big deal. And then the people there at the coroner’s office was they, they Yeah, they sound amazing. Like, it kind of people not

    Bailey 1:01:42
    expect anything like that. And they did. And they actually gave me a flash drive. I have these pitchers forever. Yeah.

    Winter 1:01:49
    That’s awesome. Yeah, that is wonderful. That’s wonderful. Did that feel like a bit of like you said before, it’s not necessary closure. But did you feel? Yeah,

    Bailey 1:02:01
    I did. I did feel I felt like my last step that I always wanted, was met. And I got to see her for who she was. And I got to see the full her without edited without covering. Yeah. And I know, everybody was just trying to protect me. And maybe it was, but it was, it was, it’s what I needed is to see the full thing who she was. Yeah. Yeah. And it was a picture that I hid for, honestly, two years. And then show anybody until this past year.

    Winter 1:02:39
    Really? Yeah. Sometimes those are sacred. Those are special and just you kind of hold them close to your heart. And that is that is wonderful. So because those are, yeah, there’s a few of them that I don’t share of my son yet, either. Not really, just my husband I’ve seen I’ve seen them. So I’m just so sorry. This is like I’m assuming your recovery for your your legs, muscles, all everything that was essentially damaged by the bullet was okay was progressing. Well, any permanent damage damage that you are aware of? Um,

    Bailey 1:03:19
    no, no, I, I recovered, and they said it that I was able to have more babies when I was ready. Okay. And so that was one of the most the biggest concern that I wanted if I was ever going to be a mom again. Yeah,

    Winter 1:03:35
    especially if it went through your I mean, yeah, it hidden obviously hit Hazel. So went through uterus and everything. Yeah. So. Okay, so they they do feel like it is a positive. You have a it looks positive for you. So yeah, yeah. Good. That’s great. Bailey, I think that there’s going to be a few people that want to know a little bit more about the whole the gun discharging so I’m wondering if you can go a little bit into that and what happened and like what happened afterwards? Because obviously, there was actually one right there’s one casualty and and your life you’re you have been hurt significantly. So can you tell us a little bit about how that was handled and and if you don’t want to get into certain things, you don’t have to mention that. I’ll try not to pry too much. But if you want to share then I’m sure others will be curious to know what happened and and if there was any resolution to that.

    Bailey 1:04:34
    Yeah. So the person next to me that was sitting next to me was actually my boyfriend at the time. Okay. And he was the one that the gun went off in his hands. And so that is why he couldn’t come with me right away. We didn’t know what was was gonna happen. But afterwards after we got home the sheriff came over. And I kind of had to say my statement. And it was an accident. And accidents do happen. And I press no charges. It just something that we have to learn from this day forward. Yeah.

    Winter 1:05:30
    Probably was quite heavy. And

    Bailey 1:05:34
    it was a hard, really hard recovery with going through grieving. Yeah, when we’re both on two different pages of the story. Yeah. And supporting one another, it was really hard.

    Winter 1:05:48
    Did you find that you’re getting getting some support from him? Or, I guess I can imagine there was a lot of obviously anger and, and guilt. And there’s, yeah. Yeah. Along with the grief and right, there’s like, there’s all of it. There’s like so many layers of it. So how, how was that?

    Bailey 1:06:14
    Um, yeah, it was hard. But obviously, we went through right away, we’re really together, we were supporting one another, really listening to one another. We kind of kept to ourselves for a while. And then as months go on, I think is when anger started to come out. And just things that it was kind of it was really hard, actually, because I wanted my house to be full of her. I wanted her to be everywhere in my house. And my boyfriend at the time can take it, you can take looking at her. And I think that was the one of the biggest things that hurt me the most. Is the baby that we made, baby that we created. Maybe that I carried for almost nine months. Yeah, that I just have to not have her in the house. But we came to terms and we had one little area of her. We still had a nursery up for a long time. Yeah. And but yeah, there was a lot of anger, a lot of anger. And, obviously, I think, a couple of years, or a year and a half after is when those are falling out. We couldn’t be together anymore with what happened. It was really hard to support one another and love one another. And to be on the same page again, it was something that we knew that we probably wouldn’t ever be on. So in that time, it was his house. And so I had to pack up everything. And that was the first time packing up Hazel stuff.

    Winter 1:08:12
    Oh, so Bailey, I know that we kind of went over a number of the details in your birth story. And not really talking that not really mentioning that it was your then boyfriend that had that had discharged the gun. So I suspect that there was a lot of I personally, if I if this happened to my sister, this I would have I would have been all up in his face, honestly. So I’m i How did your family take that information? And news and yeah, how did how did that work out?

    Bailey 1:08:52
    Obviously, the first thing was to make sure that I was okay. Yeah, everyone was there for me. But it was a long process. It was a long road of being able to face my parents and still being together. Obviously, there’s a lot of anger, a lot of anger with our family between our my mom and dad really and my sister. But they kind of kept quiet as they knew that I I was kind of basically I was protecting him. I didn’t let my feelings come out. I didn’t protect myself and my life. I was really worried about him in the ways that I probably shouldn’t have been. But you think of it when you’re young. You’re in love you think that that is your forever and it really wasn’t. And it was just, it was really long. It was yeah, it was long. It was a long couple of I think it was a year and a half afterwards. And

    Winter 1:10:02
    So were your parents. I know that you, you said that you kind of put hit him a little bit first and kind of put your feelings in the, in the background there. Did you? Or did your parents say anything to you or your sister say anything to you about it or question you about not pressing charges, that type of thing?

    Bailey 1:10:24
    Not really, I think everyone was still in shock right away. And I knew there was a lot of anger. But I remember my dad always saying if if you’re okay, and if this is how you want to live your life, then I have to keep my mouth shut, and I have to protect you. And he said, If you’re happy, then I will support you in any ways that I can.

    Winter 1:10:56
    Good, right.

    Bailey 1:10:57
    Yeah. I never thought about pressing charges. It was never really a thing that came to my mind. I knew it was an accident. And I knew that it wasn’t on purpose. Yeah, I’m in accidents do happen. And I don’t know, I don’t know how I would have been if it was a friend that did it. Or if it was somebody else that did it. Right. I mean, you think of it, then yeah, maybe I would have pressed charges. But knowing that it was a boyfriend at the time, and knowing that it was an accident that it wasn’t really something I thought of as we grieved of losing her together that I didn’t really want to do it by myself.

    Winter 1:11:39
    Yes, because it is hard. It’s a hard road anyway. So Bailey, thank you so much that I think that will help others feel like knowing that sometimes it’s a journey. And sometimes you learn a lot about yourself. And as you go through life and sounds like you’ve had in the three and a half years, you’ve really been able to like, heal and grow and learn some stuff has been important. Yeah,

    Bailey 1:12:10
    I think this last six months, has been the happiest that I’ve ever been since then. And I’m pretty proud of it. That’s

    Winter 1:12:18
    great. Because it does take work to to be in that place.

    Bailey 1:12:23
    Yeah,

    Winter 1:12:24
    that’s great that you have felt like peace and happiness for the last six months. I’m wondering, is there anything that has been helpful to you to in that healing in that? Yeah, the growth? Is there anything that’s been helpful for you?

    Bailey 1:12:38
    Yeah, I went to therapy right away. There’s a couple that I went in, I didn’t really like. And then I finally found a girl. And she did EMDR training, which is the eye movement, dissonance, annotation processor, diarization, yeah. Processing. And I did not have any idea what it was. And so we took it. So basically, that’s how I’m able to tell my story. It’s how I’m able to say it fully. And what we did is we broke up the trauma, and the accident by little pieces. And each session that we did, we focus on the one section, and it was about talking about it, and then thinking of like a different room, you’re in something that calms you. And think of different things when we were able to say it. And so I think that really helped me process the full traumatic event. And, and I’m able to say it to the state. And I think that is really amazing. I am thankful for the EMDR therapy that I did. And really just my friends, and my family just being there for me every year. celebrating her birthday is a big thing. We get together and we all release balloons. And I let the kids draw on these rocks that I bring out to her memorial bench. And I think the biggest thing is letting go of the relationship that I was in. I think that had to do a lot with the and truly happy now. Yeah, it’s a big weight that is off my shoulder that I didn’t think was ever there but it was but

    Winter 1:14:32
    it was. That’s, that’s great. I just, well a couple of things. EMDR has been it’s very has been a very helpful therapy for me honestly and I think Lee has also found it helpful when we have done that mode of therapy. So I think that’s awesome. If you don’t know much about it is it does help process trauma like and this is a big T trauma type of situation like there’s there’s a lot that you have dealt With and, and it’s great that you were able to find somebody, oh, that was going to be another thing I’m going to throw in there is that you got to shop around for a therapist until you find the right person. Because you really do, you’re not going to click with everybody. So that’s just another little tip. If you are going through this chopper route, it’s okay. If somebody doesn’t click with you. It’s not, it’s not the right might not be the right person. So yeah. And then I think that’s really cool that your family is so supportive of honoring Hazel remembering her, they seem to be very involved in and wanting to talk about her and wanting to do they

    Bailey 1:15:37
    are and I am very thankful that they’re actually see her as a grandchild and, and actually a person, not just an event that took place. And not just the trauma that took place. She was actually the baby, she was the person to she was there. And it’s somebody that I will never forget. And I do want to say thank you for providing this podcast, because during my time, I was searching on podcast, and I found you guys. And that’s what really helped me the first year was listening to other people’s stories, and connecting with them and just driving in my car crying alone with them. And that is another thing that helped me a lot. And I’m thankful for you guys.

    Winter 1:16:27
    I’m so glad that’s what we we we wanted to have a podcast to listen to, but there was nothing there. So we’re like, let’s just start it. We’ll just do it. Yeah. So I’m glad that that was a comfort to you. And thanks to all the parents that have shared other stories that were willing to be vulnerable just like you Bailey to tell your story. Bailey I thank you again for your time today. I want to just ask you one last thing that anything that you would like to share about Hazel briefly before we close today, what to remember about her and say to her,

    Bailey 1:17:03
    um, that I will always remember her a little cakes and our hiccups in my belly. And that she was forever my hero. She saved my life. If I would have been for her that I know that I wouldn’t have made it and that I always say that she is forever my five pound 10 ounce sweet baby girl who is my hero.

    Winter 1:17:30
    Thank you this beautiful thank you

    Filed Under: birth story, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: c-section, stillbirth

    32: Dad Scott advises how to talk to parents who have lost a child

    March 15, 2020 by Winter

    After his daughter Henley is stillborn, dad Scott tells us of things that he doesn’t like people to say to him about his daughter and tells of how much he appreciates it when people say her name and acknowledge that she was a person.

    Scott and Meghan: Fans of Disneyland

    Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

    In the Advice podcast episode, dad Scott talks his life after losing his daughter Henley to stillbirth:

    • Time Stamp 1:58: Finding a support group was especially helpful and it doesn’t need to be a grief support group even
    • Time Stamp 8:57: What you shouldn’t say to a loss parent
    • Time Stamp 9:57: What you can say instead
    • Listen to Scott’s birth story of Henley who was stillborn here in Episode 31.
    • Listen to Scott’s wife, Meghan’s birth story of Henley here in Episode 29.
    • Listen to Scott’s wife, Meghan’s advice of dealing with grief after Henley’s stillbirth here in Episode 30.
    • Apple Podcasts
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    • Spotify

    Full Transcript

    Lee 0:10
    This is Still A Part of Us, a podcast where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m Lee Redd, and on this episode of Advice and Encouragement from a Loss Dad, I chat with Scott, whose daughter Henley was stillborn at 36 weeks.

    By the way, you can hear Scott and his wife’s episodes about the birth of their child on episode 29 and 31. Today, Scott and I talked about how he has a special doll that he bought for Henley, when they first found out that they were pregnant and how that holds a special place in his heart for his daughter. We talk about strategies that we can implement in our own personal lives, on how we can talk with people who have experienced loss.

    As a word of caution to our listeners, this discussion contains emotional triggers of stillbirth and infant loss. Please keep yourself emotionally and mentally healthy and seek help if needed. Hope this helps somebody out there.

    And we’re back with Scott, and he’s going to be talking about his daughter. Scott, give us a little recap.

    Scott 1:25
    Alright. Hi, I’m Scott. My daughter’s name is Henley. With what happened everything: she was 36 weeks. My wife was 36 weeks pregnant, and she was stillborn.

    Lee 1:36
    And now we’re going to be talking about advice. And I personally don’t like to call it advice. It is advice. It’s, it’s stuff that has helped you, that you would like to pass on to other fathers and other parents. What has been something that you have greatly appreciated that somebody has done for you or that you would like to pass on to somebody else?

    Scott 1:58
    Okay, one thing that really, really helped me out was the support group I have here with friends. And they, they really, some of them have had the same situation happen, or they’ve had some type of loss with a child, but they were able to help me out with talking with them. But also just kind of staying busy for me, and helping support my wife. I really threw myself into work, which sometimes is not always the healthiest, but I do that, and then I come home, I talk with my wife, with my friends. And I found hobbies have also been very helpful. We started a Disneyland social club and go to Disney. And we had a great time doing that, and meet a lot of really fun, interesting people, same exact things that they’re into. Yeah.

    Lee 2:55
    And with the social club, is it open to anybody or you sort of more select or…?

    Scott 3:01
    It is open to everybody. Anybody that would be interested in joining, it is a lot easier to join a social club than it is to make one, we’ve learned. It’s also very expensive to make one. But yeah, it’s open to anybody. It is preferable for somebody with an annual pass, just that way they can come more than once a year to do meetups and hang out with everybody. But really there’s…anybody can join. The president or the vice president I had that was with me, I still consider her my vice president, but she moved to Florida, and now she is the president of the Disney World chapter of our social club.

    But yeah, it’s it’s really easy to join. If you wanted to look into joining our group, we have a…kind of like a scavenger hunt, a Disney scavenger hunt kind of thing to do. And it’s super simple. It’s usually like take pictures in front of, of all the mountains of the park, like Space Mountain, Magic–or Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Matterhorn, Thunder Mountain. And then there’s a take pictures with certain characters, get pictures of certain scenery. And then we also do, I got this from another club, but four acts of kindness. So it could be as simple as just yousee a piece of trash and pick it up. Or you see a child who’s crying, and so you give them these little Disney pins that people buy and trade and stuff like that. Just give them a little pin just to make them happy, make their day a little better, or a way to make those parents of the child, their day a little easier. Because Disney with a little kid is usually not as fun as most people think. It’s pretty stressful, trying to make sure that they’re happy and entertained, and all that stuff. So little things.

    Lee 4:44
    Now, have you found with your social club with such a–I’m assuming it’s sort of a diverse group of people–are you able to share your personal like, do some of the people in your club know about Henley or is it–?

    Scott 5:00
    Everybody in my, everybody in my club knows, but several other social clubs–there’s hundreds of them–they know too. We all follow each other on Instagram and stuff. And we posted up. First we posted up that we were pregnant, and everybody was super happy and all that stuff like that. And then later on, we had to post what happened and to show what happened, we, my wife and I, we each had tattoos done on our arm. And we posted the pictures of our tattoos to show what happened and everything. And it’s been nothing but love. People coming up to us, hugging us, sending us messages. Some people have come up to us and they started telling us their stories, which has been fantastic. And it’s basically like there’s a larger club within all of these other clubs now, that people are more talking about now than they used to. They used to just be like, Oh, let’s all hang out. Let’s meet up. Let’s go ride this ride together. And now it’s–now people are getting to some different discussions going on.

    Lee 6:02
    It’s wonderful that there is that support group that you established and that has come around you.

    Scott 6:08
    And it’s also, it’s also fun because of Disney I mean.

    Lee 6:11
    Yeah. The happiest place on earth. Is that their…?

    Scott 6:17
    Supposed to be the the happiest place on earth, yes.

    Lee 6:19
    Supposed to be. That’s a good point.

    Scott 6:21
    Yeah, like I said, there’s some kids that not-so-happy, going around there.

    Lee 6:25
    Our five-year old, it’s not, at naptime, it’s not happiest time or the happiest place…

    Scott 6:30
    That or you didn’t buy them a lollipop they wanted or the churro…

    Lee 6:34
    Just never tell your kid that it’s an option. “Hey, where did those kids get those?” “I don’t know. I don’t know. Let’s go.”

    Scott 6:42
    “Maybe Mickey Mouse saw them and it was just a prize. They picked up a bunch of trash. Maybe you should try that.”

    Lee 6:46
    Oh hey, that’s a good way to get it. Was there any other advice that you’d like to…?

    Scott 6:52
    My main advice that I know my wife also touched on too, is doctors don’t tell everybody to look out for increased and erratic movement. I mean, if that’s something that we would have known, we could have had a completely different outlook. If we would have known that Henley’s kicking and tossing the night before could have been a sign of distress, and we could have gone to the hospital. Itt could have a different outcome. And doctors just don’t say that. They always tell people, Hey, do your kick counts. Make sure that…it’s not decrease movement. They just don’t tell you. So and if anybody listening, and that helps just one person, one family, I mean that’s, that’s really what matters, at least in my eyes.

    Lee 7:39
    Yeah, it was it’s–I’m not a medical person. And Scott, I’m pretty sure–we’ve been talking about what you do and–but it is one of those like, we didn’t know a lot of what was going on, as well. And I don’t blame any of our medical personnel, but it’s one of those situations where sometimes knowledge is power. And you know, like you said, if it helps one person, that’s a good thing, so…

    Scott 8:06
    And I don’t blame any of…our doctor, any of that. I don’t blame her. She’s been fantastic. We actually trying again, and we’re gonna stick with her and she was great. And the fact that she had so much emotion when everything happened, showed how much she actually cared. We weren’t just a number on a chart, that she was trying to push through. She actually took extra time with us every visit. And so, so I don’t blame her for any of that. It’s just, it’s not common practice for doctors to say, Hey, keep an eye out for this. And I truly believe it needs to become more commonplace for them to say, Yeah, look out for decrease, but you need to also look out for unusual and erratic movement that is outside of the norm that you have noticed over the last so many months.

    Lee 8:57
    Is there anything that people should not do? Not to point anybody out, but is there, there–? We talked about some good. If you want to bring up anything that you’re like, yeah, don’t, you know, come on people, let’s get over to this practice? If there’s not, you know, don’t feel bad, but…

    Scott 9:15
    No, I…yeah, there is some. The only two terms that I don’t usually use this word often, but I hate, I hate these two terms is, “it was God’s plan” or “it was all in the name of God” or something like that. Like those ones drive me nuts. And I’m, I’m okay with like, “Oh, we’re praying for you” and “You have us in your thoughts.” I appreciate all of that. It’s just those two, because I’m like, What is his plan that needed to take my child for me? That that makes no sense. And that’s pretty much it. Those are the only things that I think nobody should ever say.

    Lee 9:55
    It’s not a comforting thing to hear.

    Scott 9:57
    No, not at all. Like, Oh, you’re nn our prayers. Oh, we’re thinking about you. I think of Henley all the time. And use her name. That’s the other thing too that Meghan and I have noticed: people are like, Oh, the baby. Oh your baby. Like she had a name. She was a person. Like yeah, I mean in some states, they might look at it as, oh yeah you didn’t have a child. But we did. And her name is Henley. So I much prefer it when people actually use her name, especially with friends and everything. And they’re starting to catch on to that too. Because they bring it up. We start talking and we’ll use her name, and so then they start using it. And it actually makes me happy hearing other people say her name.

    Lee 10:42
    And as a parent as, you know, my son is my son and he will always be part of me. And I love, I love it when people do use, you know, in your situation when they do talk about Henley. And in my situation, I love it when people are like, you know. You know, we have, we live pretty close to the cemetery where we buried Brannan, and we’ll get texts and like, Hey, we were walking through the cemetery, and we stopped by Brannan’s. It was great to see him. And it’s just like, just little things where it’s like, yeah, they’re bringing up MY child. And I’m glad, I’m glad it’s not just our thing. You know I’m glad other people. And like you said, you like that your friends and people are using Henley’s name. We as parents of loss, we love our children. And we just want people to also talk about them.

    Scott 11:35
    Yeah, of course always love her. And I wish I would have been able to meet Brannan and everything. That would have been great.

    Lee 11:45
    If you’re ever up in Utah, we’d love to take you out, I guess.

    Scott 11:51
    Yeah, I mean, Utah could be fun. Only place in Utah I’ve ever been is a–actually no, didn’t go to Utah. My wife wants to take me to Utah to go to the Cracker Barrel up there.

    Lee 12:04
    We’d take you to the Cracker Barrel! There’s a lot of stuff here in Utah. It’s pretty cool. But yeah. Was there, is there anything else you want to say or we wrap this up?

    Scott 12:15
    I think we’re good. I think we touched on everything.

    Lee 12:19
    Well, wonderful. Scott, thank you so much. It was wonderful to talk to you about your daughter Henley.

    Scott 12:24
    Thank you so much.

    Lee 12:25
    Thanks for opening up and sharing this tender part of your life with us all.

    Scott 12:30
    Thank you. It’s been great.

    Lee 12:32
    And you have a wonderful day.

    Scott 12:34
    You too, sir.

    Lee 12:44
    Again, I would like to thank Scott for coming on the podcast. It was wonderful to talk with him and see how he’s doing in his process of grief. It’s good to hear his story of his daughter Henley.

    Head over to our website, StillAPartofUs.com. There you could find the show notes including a full transcript of this interview and any resources that were mentioned. You could sign up for a short and helpful newsletter. And there you can learn how you can become a patron and support the work it takes to produce the show for a few dollars a month. And lastly, there you can find out how to get in touch with us if you want to share your child’s story on the show.

    The show was produced and edited by Winter and Lee Redd.l Thanks to Josh Woodward for letting us use his song “Vanishing Note”. You could find him at JoshWoodward.com. Subscribe to this podcast and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they are still a part of us.

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. The Dalai Lama

    Filed Under: advice, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: c-section, stillbirth, stillborn

    31: Dad Scott’s account of Henley’s C-section birth, stillborn at 36 weeks

    March 15, 2020 by Winter

    Dad Scott tells about finding out that his daughter Henley would be born still at his wife Meghan’s, 36-week appointment, and describes her being born by C-section, and the time after with his daughter. After they decide to have her cremated, Scott finds a castle urn, because she’s “his princess”.

    Scott’s and Meghan’s tattoos

    Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

    In the birth story podcast episode, dad Scott recounts Henley’s stillbirth:

    • Time Stamp 1:54: Who Scott is and how he met his wife, Meghan
    • Time Stamp 4:25: When they found out that their daughter Henley did have a heartbeat
    • Time Stamp 11:24: C-section delivery of Henley by Meghan’s doctor
    • Time Stamp 15:04: Meeting Henley for the first time and seeing her hair
    • Time Stamp 20:15: Henley is cremated and Scott chooses her urn, a castle
    • Time Stamp 23:44: Scott’s last bit of advice to watch for erratic movements
    • Listen to Scott’s advice of what not to say to a loss parent in his advice Episode 32.
    • Listen to Scott’s wife, Meghan’s birth story of Henley here in Episode 29.
    • Listen to Scott’s wife, Meghan’s advice of dealing with grief after Henley’s stillbirth here in Episode 30.
    • Apple Podcasts
    • Stitcher
    • Google Podcasts
    • Spotify

    Full Transcript

    Scott 0:00
    My daughter’s name is Henley Ryan.

    She was small. She was about four pounds. Born October 3 at 12:49 am.

    Lee 0:31
    Welcome to Still A Part of Us, a podcast where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m Lee Redd, and on this episode, Scott is telling the story of his daughter Henley, who was stillborn at 36 weeks.

    As a word of caution to our listeners. This story contains emotional triggers of stillbirth and infant loss. Please keep yourself emotionally and mentally healthy and seek help if needed. Also, be aware that these stories may differ from his or her partner’s, as these accounts are told, from their own perspective through the lens of trauma, heartache, and the passage of time. Please respect our moms and dads, who are brave and gracious to share their children with us.

    Scott 1:22
    Yeah, it was a very long day actually. We went to the doctor’s October 2nd at 8am. Just a normal checkup. And Meghan was getting the checkup. I was supposed to go get the Tdap shot. And so, and then I had to go to work. So they were, Alright, here’s your shot. And then I was about to head out and doctor’s like, Hey, let’s listen to the heartbeat. And used a little–I forget what it’s called–couldn’t find a heartbeat. But then she got the ultrasound and still couldn’t find anything. And so that’s when we found out.

    Lee 1:54
    Let’s talk about you. What do you do, Scott? What do you–

    Scott 1:58
    Um, I work for a nonprofit. We help teach and train people with learning mental disabilities like autism, Down syndrome, traumatic brain injuries, how to join the modern workforce, either with custodial work, filing, stuff like that. The ones that we can’t find jobs out in the real world, we actually hire them inside of our company, and we pay them to do that same thing, custodial, stuff like that. Some of them do piecework, and they just put stuff together. And we package it up, and we ship it out to the different places that we have contracts with.

    Lee 2:38
    Wonderful. And then your wife Meghan, she recorded her podcasts earlier, but how did you meet Meghan?

    Scott 2:46
    I met Meghan through a friend of ours. I was working at a hookah lounge. And…yeah. And…she, our friend came in, my friend came in and then she came in. We just–that’s how we met. We hung out. Became friends. Had a great time. And that’s pretty much how it was. And that was about 2007, 2008.

    Lee 3:12
    Well, good. And your daughter, Meghan–sorry–your daughter, Henley. I hope you didn’t marry your daughter! Your daughter, Henley, is she your first?

    Scott 3:24
    She was our first. Yeah.

    Lee 3:27
    IS she your first, I guess…yeah.

    Scott 3:29
    Yeah.

    Lee 3:30
    And tell us–start at the very, very, very beginning. Were you guys planning on a child or…?

    Scott 3:36
    Yeah, for a long time, I was, you know, just wasn’t sure if I wanted kids. I had a rough childhood and I didn’t want to have my baggage put onto my kids, kind of thing. But after a while, I was like, Yeah, let’s, let’s let’s start. And that’s pretty much what happened. We just kept going and going and then finally everything was great. And she’s pregnant and I was super excited. Decorated everything, just went all out.

    It’s a double edged sword right there. It hurts.

    The room’s still set up too. Name’s still on the wall and everything.

    Lee 4:15
    Man. So you were going to go get your Tdap boosters.

    Scott 4:18
    Yeah. What’s that?

    Lee 4:22
    Is it a booster or just Tdap shot or–?

    Scott 4:25
    It’s a Tdap shot. I forget everything it does. I want to say it was like tuberculosis and some other stuff like that. It’s basically just a cocktail of different things. And so when in for that, and this is probably only the third appointment I’ve ever gone to with Meghan. And so it was like, Alright, well, I gotta get to work too. So her appointment was 8am, and about 8:15 or so I got my shot and I was about to head out and the doctor stopped me. And she was like, Wait, let’s listen to the heartbeat before you go. And I’m like, alright, yeah, okay. And so she grabs the little thing and can’t find it. And at first, I wasn’t thinking too much about it, because this was only my third visit with the doctor and everything. But then I’m looking at her face and–the doctor’s face and I can see that she’s looking a little concerned, actually a little pale. And she’s like, You know what? I’m just gonna go grab the ultrasound and she brought it over. And she’s doing it and I can see, Henley’s heart, and it was not beating.

    And I instantly was just crushed. But Meghan was holding it together. She’s, she’s gotten really good with dealing with loss. She’s lost, she lost her father and her grandmother, both in 2016. So she’s like, Okay, let’s go to the next step. Meghan starts getting cleaned up, we grab her stuff, and the doctor’s in tears, and she’s hugging us. And I can see Meghan’s trying to hold it together, so I’m trying to hold it together for her. And we just get in the car and we start driving to the hospital, which is about 15 minutes away from my, our doctor’s office.

    And we check in and there was like no rush. Nobody was like, Oh my god, let’s check this and everything. So we’re like, alright, obviously, they’re pretty confident in this doctor’s findings. And it was literally like, about an hour or so after we checked in the hospital before the ultrasound technician came with her machine to confirm. And they confirm everything. They didn’t even turn their screen away as they were typing their findings into the computer. So we were able to see and read everything.

    Lee 6:39
    That’s–I don’t know it, it’s one of those situations where, you know, who, what do you want to know? What do you want to do? And when we are in that situation, we’re just completely clueless and oblivious to what really is normal and that doesn’t sound normal to me like, Ah!, you know?

    Scott 7:01
    Yeah, it definitely didn’t feel or feel normal. I was just like, Why isn’t anybody coming in here? Like all we had was our nurse, who was adorable. She was, she, she’s a new nurse. And she, she’s in tears. As soon as we got she walked us into her room, she was in tears. And she’s like, I’ll be honest, I’ve delivered multiple babies. But this is the first situation like this I’ve dealt with. And she’s in tears. And Meghan and I were still focused on Okay, next steps. Let’s figure this out. And so it was a little rough seeing her cry.

    And, but then later on, I guess we scared her, because none of us, neither of us are crying, and the nurse literally pulled me out of the room and is like, Is Meghan okay? Like, she’s not showing anything. Is everything okay? And I’m like, This is just–she’s just, she’s very…I don’t want to say goal oriented, but she’s very focused on the task. So that’s what was going on.

    Lee 8:00
    The time and place, time and place.

    Scott 8:02
    Yeah, pretty much.

    Lee 8:03
    So what happened after there was the confirmation that Henley did not have a heartbeat?

    Scott 8:08
    After the confirmation and everything, we waited a bit longer. And a different doctor than ours–because ours was still at her practice. She was actually not supposed to be scheduled to go to that hospital until the next day. So a different doctor came in, who does work alongside with our doctor, and a really, really nice guy. He honestly kind of sounded Jamaican, which was really interesting. That accent was definitely interesting to listen to while he’s trying to give us all the information of what’s gonna be going on.

    But he gave us all these selections that we could do and what could happen, kind of thing. Like if we tried to induce, what could happen. Because Henley was really breech up in Meghan. Like her–Hendley’s head was actually up under her ribs. Yeah, she was way up there and he’s like, Well, you can try to induce. But the problem with this, is since she’s not moving around or anything, her head can get stuck. And then we’d have to do a more in depth kind of surgery, kind of thing, which could actually ruin Meghan’s possibility of getting pregnant again in the future. And so he’s like the safest, in my opinion, would be the C-section. And so, Meghan and I talked about it for a bit, and we decided to go with the C-section. But Meghan wanted to wait till the next day to have her doctor, the one that she’s been with this whole time. And so we kind of just hung out. Meghan and I–

    Lee 9:45
    Did you go back home, or…did you go back home or were you hanging out at the hospital?

    Scott 9:50
    We stayed at the hospital the whole time. Meghan, actually, her body started to realize something was up and started having mild contractions and stuff. So we didn’t want to go back home. And plus anything we’d be able to face going home, because we had nursery all set up and everything. Didn’t want to really see all that right now.

    But we had a great family friend. She went and she came to the hospital. She was talking to us. Everything. I started making phone calls to people like Meghan’s mom, who was in California at the time. They were on vacation, her and her stepdad, her and Meghan’s stepdad, they’re on vacation. And so they’re like, We’re grabbing our stuff; we’re driving back now. And our friend, she went to our house. She picked up a whole bunch of stuff for us–laptop, pretty much anything to keep us distracted. And then I left my car at the doctor’s office. So her husband had to drive my car, because of the stick shift, back to my house.

    Lee 10:51
    It’s safety security right there.

    Scott 10:53
    Exactly. Nobody can steal my car.

    But I didn’t want to leave it at the doctor’s office, because it has all my work tools in there. And so he grabbed that and he drove it back home. They came–she, uh her, his wife came to the hospital, gave us all our stuff and food. And we just kind of just, try to stay focused on what needed to happen. And also distract yourself. Watch Netflix and movies and stuff like that.

    Lee 11:24
    And so the next morning happened. Well, I guess–

    Scott 11:26
    It was later that night. Her doctor didn’t want us sitting in the hospital that long. And so she, after she left her practice, she went home, fed her kids, had dinner really quick. And then she came in around 10:30 at night. And she’s like, I’m coming in. If you guys want we’ll do this now. And that way, you guys can recover. You’re not sitting here suffering and thinking about all this. And that’s when it got me even more. I actually had to step out and just the fact that she was willing to come in, when she was already going to be on call the next day. She was already at work all day. And it just was really touching.

    And so we said, Okay, we’ll do it. Meghan’s mom and stepdad finally got there at that point. And we told them what was going on, what the plan was. And her stepdad was awesome. He actually smuggled in a water bottle filled with vodka and cranberry juice for me. Because he saw I was on edge. He snuck that in for me, and then we got ready. And we did the C-section. And it was about an hour or so going. I was just there, focused on Meghan. The blind was up, so we couldn’t see anything. And both of us are in tears the whole time, just– And then finally like the nurses, the doctors, everything just went quiet. And that’s when we knew that Henley was, was finally out. And yeah, there’s–the silence is just, it was deafening.

    And then after everything was sewn up, all that stuff with that, the doctor talked to us for a little bit after everything was cleaned up. And she believed that it was caused because Meghan’s placenta was on the front of her stomach area, not in the back, but her umbilical cord was abnormally short. It was…she said that she barely had enough to take Henley out and put her on Meghan’s stomach. It was so tight. So we think that…the doctor thinks that, every time Henley would try to roll to get into position, she was actually kinking her cord and cutting off all the supplies she needed, until it finally just collapsed. Yeah.

    Lee 14:06
    It is one of those situations where, after our son Brannan, the doctor, the doctor said it really is how anybody is ever born, is amazing. Because anything and everything can go wrong. So Henley is delivered via C-section, you guys wheeled back to the room, what happens after?

    Scott 14:30
    So, we get back to the room. We transfer Meghan into her bed and we did that. And we’re–the doc– nobody comes in for a bit. They’re cleaning Henley up and everything in the other, in another room. And we’re just sitting there waiting. Meghan’s kind of joking a little bit, trying to keep things light, because she’s like, The weirdest part is I have no idea where my legs are in space. She’s like, I can’t feel anything. I’m looking at my toes, telling them to wiggle, but they just won’t move. So she starts to get a little bit of movement back.

    And that’s when the nurses come in and says, Are you guys ready to see Henley? And we bought an outfit and everything that Meghan’s mom purchased–this cute little Ralph Lauren, pink onesie. And I brought a hat from home and everything. And like, Yeah. And so she came in and handed Henley to Meghan. And she’s holding her, and we’re just, we’re just looking at her and admiring her. And the nurses, we asked her to take some photos with us. And so she’s taking some photos of us and everything. And the one thing I was super curious about, and I needed to see, was her hair. I needed to know she took after me or if she took after Meghan and she took after me.

    Lee 15:55
    In what way? She took after you because you have dark hair and, or–?

    It was dark, thick, curly hair. So she didn’t take after my color when I–my hair color when I was born. I was, when I was born, I was a toehead. Just straight white blond hair. But with the curls and how thick it was, we knew she took after me, because Meghan’s hair is like, stick-straight and very fine. So that was the one thing I was super intrigued by. And I was sad, but so happy to see that she took after me in that point. But everything else was Meghan. She had Meghan’s nose and her cheeks. And it was…it was great. And I mean, not great, but great seeing it. And yeah…it was heartbreaking.

    It’s a cruel situation. So you guys, how long were you in the hospital?

    Scott 16:54
    We got to the hospital around 9:15am. And we were there…

    Lee 17:01
    You delivered at midnight-ish…

    Scott 17:02
    We delivered at 12:39am. Yeah. Henley was born. And we stayed there for…we were cleared to go actually, the next day. The doctor was like, you’re doing great. Meghan was already walking around, struggling a little bit, but she was still walking in her own power. And the doctor’s like, If you guys want, you can go home the next day. And Meghan’s like, No, I’m gonna stay another night. And so we stayed another night. But when we had Henley with us, her mom, Meghan’s mom was in another room. And we were going to set up in another room for her to see Henley and the hold and stuff like that. We didn’t think that we’d emotionally be able to see her with her granddaughter at that point. And so, but we asked her and she, she’s like, No. She was more worried about her daughter, wanted to check on Meghan and everything like that. So we’re like, Okay.

    We had her for a bit. And we both wish we would have had her longer, because we had the option to, for up to 24 hours. And but at the time we couldn’t do it. We started breaking down and we just…yeah. So we decided not to go home the next day. We decided to stay the night again. And so we just–hanging out watching movies, friends visiting, relaxing, and just taking care of her as best–taking care of Meghan as best I could. I keep saying her and I keep forgetting we’re recording.

    Lee 18:39
    Did you guys decide to have a funeral for Henley or–?

    Scott 18:45
    We didn’t do a…we didn’t do a funeral. We had her cremated. We got in contact–there’s an nonprofit here in Vegas Meghan found, and I–honestly I have, I’m really bad with memory, so I don’t remember the name of it. But they got us in contact with a funeral home. And they, I guess the owners had a loss as well. His child, I believe, was two, when it passed. And he decided that any child under under five, he will take care of all cremation for free just to help out a family and all that stuff.

    Lee 19:26
    It’s, it’s, it’s amazing because we’ve had so many people, so many people come to our aid and it’s a wonderful little mercy for us. It’s, you know, it’s hard to make decisions in that situation. And it’s, it’s just terrible.

    Scott 19:46
    For sure.

    Lee 19:47
    So do you have Henley–some parents have like…we have a friend who had their daughter cremated, and there’s this nice little heart that they have on their shelf. And then we have another friend who, they split up the ashes into vials and the husband has some and he wears it. Almost dog collar-ish, dog tag-ish…um not dog collar, but dog tag…

    Scott 20:15
    So it came, she came in a little box, and it looked plastic. I wasn’t a fan of this box. I actually hated this box. It just had a little teddy bear on it. I found online another urn and it’s a castle, and it reminded me instantly of the Disneyland castle. And I’m like, She’s my princess. We’re going to get this for her and ordered it and we transferred her in. And right now she’s sitting on her dresser inside of her room with a teddy bear that our friend got us, which was a huge help. She found out that there’s a group that you can purchase a teddy bear for them and they will weight the teddy bear to the exact weight of your child they lost. And so this teddy bear, it’s there. It weighs four pounds, 10 ounces, and it has Henley’s name on it. It has her weight and her birth date on it. And it’s just sitting there, along with some custom onesies that that we had with her name on anything. And it’s just sitting on the shelf on her dresser. And also on the castle is a set of Mickey ears that you get in the park with her name embroidered into it.

    Lee 21:30
    Now just to let everybody know, Scott and Meghan go to Disneyland a lot.

    Scott 21:37
    Every every four to six weeks.

    Lee 21:39
    Every four to six weeks, so…

    Scott 21:42
    Huge fans of Disney. I was really looking forward to taking Henley to Disney, because the first time we would have taken her would have been, not this last trip we did this weekend, but the one right before. She would have been old enough and had her vaccinations and we could have taken her.

    Lee 22:02
    Do you take that little stuffed teddy bear with you?

    Scott 22:04
    We have not taken the stuffed teddy bear, but I do have a little stuffed Groot. Not, not the one that I showed you before, but another one. And it was the first stuffy I purchased for Henley while Meghan was still pregnant with her. And it was the very first stuffy that she was going to have. That one I do take with me and I–sitting on my nightstand with me. I have a bracelet that’s custom-made with Henley’s footprint and her name on it, and at night when I go to bed that bracelet is sitting on top of that Groot’s head, just right there for me to just to always know to grab it. I was looking for an embroidery house here that will actually embroider her name on to that Groot.

    Winter and Lee Redd 22:54
    Oh?

    Scott 22:55
    Yeah, I have not been able to find one that I’m willing to leave the Groot with overnight, cuz it’s, it’s just so precious to me, that I don’t want to risk anything.

    Lee 23:06
    You might get a patch. And then you sew the patch on yourself.

    Scott 23:10
    Yeah, I was thinking the patch. I was gonna, I was trying to take it to Disneyland and see if they can do it with their machines there, that way we can actually get the same thread and font that we have her Mickey Mouse ears. And but they said that they won’t do it. They’ll only do the stuff that they personally sell in the parks and this one was never purchased at the parks.

    Lee 23:33
    Well, good luck finding a workaround, so…. Is there anything else you would like to tell us about the birth of your daughter Henley?

    Scott 23:44
    The night before we had the doctor’s appointment, is what really sticks with me and Meghan both. It uh…we were laying on the couch, and Henley was kicking up a storm. Like just crazy, more than she’s ever done before in the past. And we’re like, Maybe she’s rolling to get into position, stuff like that. Didn’t think anything of it. And then the next day is when we found out what happened. And that’s what really sticks with me, because I’m like, Was this actually her kicking in distress, and we just didn’t think about it? Because we were never–we were always told to look out for lower amounts of movement, not higher. That’s the one thing that really sticks with me that, that I think about daily.

    Lee 24:31
    It’s heavy. It’s…I have no words. But it’s–I’m sorry. That’s all I can say.

    Scott 24:41
    Thank you.

    Lee 24:42
    Thank you.

    I personally would like to thank Scott for being on the podcast and opening himself up. It’s hard to be vulnerable, and to share this special story with us. Thank you, Scott.

    Head over to our website StillAPartofUs.com. There, you’ll be able to find the show notes including a full transcript of this interview and any resources that were mentioned. There you could also sign up for a short and helpful email newsletter. You can also find out how you can become a patron and support the work it takes to produce this show for just a few dollars a month. And lastly, you can find out how to get in touch with us if you want to share your child’s story with us.

    The show was produced and edited by Winter and Lee Redd. Thanks to Josh Woodward for letting us use his song “She Dreams in Blue”. You could find him at JoshWoodward.com. And lastly, subscribe to the podcast and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they are still a part of us.

    “A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.” Barbara Johnson

    Filed Under: birth story, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: c-section, stillbirth, stillborn

    30: Mom Meghan’s advice to watch for large, erratic movements during pregnancy

    March 1, 2020 by Winter

    Because of her experience with her stillborn daughter Henley, mom Meghan tells of how she always warns and advises other pregnant mothers to watch for large, erratic, unusual movements from their baby, which may be a sign of distress. She also encourages other loss parents to do what is best for them when it comes to the time they spend with their baby after birth.

    Newlyweds Meghan and Scott

    Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

    In the Advice podcast episode, mom Meghan discusses some things that helped her after Henley’s stillbirth:

    • Time Stamp 3:51: What Meghan advises and warns pregnant women
    • Time Stamp 6:24: Leaving behind the land of “what if”
    • Time Stamp 8:12: Meghan and Scott attend grief support groups and therapy
    • Time Stamp 11:42: Getting tattoos so they can talk about Henley
    • Time Stamp 13:42: Best advice she has to other loss parents
    • Time Stamp 15:03: What not to say–it doesn’t make anyone feel better
    • Time Stamp 22:04: Meghan’s father and grandmother passed away in 2016
    • Time Stamp 23:32: How Meghan works as a nanny
    • Listen to Meghan’s birth story of Henley here in Episode 29.
    • Listen to Meghan’s husband, Scott’s birth story of Henley who was stillborn here in Episode 31.
    • Listen to Meghan’s husband, Scott’s advice after Henley was stillborn here in Episode 32.
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    • Spotify

    Full Transcript

    Winter 0:11
    This is Still A Part of Us, a podcast where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m Winter Redd and in this episode of Advice and Encouragement from a Loss Mom, I chat with Meghan, whose daughter Henley was stillborn at 36 weeks.

    By the way, you can hear Meghan’s and her husband Scott’s episodes about the birth of their child on episode 29 and 31. Today, we discuss with Meghan how she makes it a point to tell Henley’s story and the warning she has for other pregnant women, how she encourages other loss parents to do what is right for them and to not let anyone else try and change anything,and how she and her husband have drawn closer to one another after losing Henley.

    As a word of caution to our listeners, this discussion contains emotional triggers of stillbirth and infant loss. Please keep yourself emotionally and mentally healthy and seek help if needed. Hope this helps someone out there.

    Meghan, thank you so much for being on this episode with me. I really appreciate you coming on telling Henley’s story. And it was beautiful. And I–it was so similar to ours, so it’s just like, Oh! Just heartbreaking. So I’m so sorry that has happened to you and your family. But thank you for sharing, because I feel like you–actually, I know you have something to share that I think is extremely important. You mentioned it already in the birth episode. So if you haven’t had a chance to listen to that, go back and listen to Meghan’s story. So welcome. Welcome, welcome.

    Meghan 1:51
    Thanks. Thanks for having me.

    Winter 1:52
    And for context, can you tell us about how long ago your child was born at the time of this recording?

    Meghan 1:58
    So she was born just under four months ago.

    Winter 2:01
    Just under four months ago, so and…so you’re, you’re kind of still in the very new stages, Meghan. How is the grieving process looks like for you,?

    Meghan 2:12
    Every day is different. I mean, the beginning was really hard. There was lots of crying. There was, you know, just lots of days but not wanting to do much. As time’s gone on, it’s, it’s getting–I wouldn’t call it easier, but I’m more able to do the normal things you got to do. You know, I went back to work and, you know, you kind of just have to move on with the day-to-day, but, you know, not necessarily do I cry every day, but there’s definitel,y at least a couple of times a week something out of the blue will strike that brings it all right back.

    Winter 2:47
    Yeah. Anything it feels like–

    Meghan 2:49
    It can be just the most random of things.

    Winter 2:52
    Yeah, anything.

    Meghan 2:52
    It doesn’t. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. And sometimes like this last trip, we went on to Disneyland, I started crying in the line for the Incredicoaster and I have no idea why. I couldn’t tell you, like you know… Scott looked at me and he’s, What making you upset? And I’m like, I don’t know!

    Winter 3:09
    Yeah, you’re like, I can’t tell you. It just happens. So what have you done–you mentioned before that you like to go and sit in her room sometimes and rock on her rocking chair, and maybe even sit with that little weighted Teddy bear. Other things, what are some other things that you like to do to think about her, to remember her, to celebrate Henley on a day-to-day basis?

    Meghan 3:31
    I mean, it’s my goal to, anyone that’s willing to listen gets told about her. And anyone that I know that is pregnant or intends to be, gets told her story. Not to scare them, but to tell them the things I wish I would have known that might have made a difference.

    Winter 3:51
    Yeah, because you…can you, can you tell us exactly what you tell people? I actually want you to say it again on this episode too, because I think it’s super important.

    Meghan 4:00
    I tell the whole story to pretty much everyone. I mean, I even have a friend currently that lives out of state, but she’s pregnant. And I didn’t know, but she knew she was pregnant when I told her I lost Henley. So she’s 22 or 23 weeks pregnant right now. So immediately, she tells me, she didn’t tell me until like two weeks ago, but when she told me my first thing was, Okay, I don’t want this to scare you. And I’m not telling you to scare you. But the doctors don’t tell you and you need to know: if your baby has–you know, you get to know their movement pattern, you get to know what their kicks feel like. If they start moving a radically a lot, crazy intensely, please go get checked out. Even if you get there, they check everything and they tell you you’re crazy, I would rather have you find out that everything was fine, than be me who didn’t know, and had I known and could have made me saved her.

    Winter 4:53
    Yeah. That is so, so important. That was the thing that struck me when you email to me, was your kind of emphatic plea like, I want people to know this, I need people to know this. I need women to know this, so that they can take care of their babies.

    Meghan 5:08
    Because I even took the time and asked my doctor–well, I didn’t ask my doctor, but I asked another doctor–why they don’t tell women this. So even though I’m not the only one that I know, that has had this and then had something happen. And basically I got told by this doctor, that if they told all women, that any kind of erratic movement could be a sign of distress, they’d have people in, getting checked every two minutes, and it’s just highly unlikely that that’s what it is. Now mind you, this wasn’t actually my doctor. This was just another doctor that I was talking to, because I don’t think my doctor would be that callous or cold. But it just makes no sense to me. I mean, so what we’re wasting the hospital’s time, a certain percentage of the time, but how many babies is it going to make a difference in?

    Winter 5:54
    Exactly!

    Meghan 5:55
    Like it’s worth it.

    Winter 5:56
    It totally is worth it. Ah–that, that’s frustrating.

    Meghan 6:02
    It really is.

    Winter 6:03
    It’s–that’s frustrating. So I–

    Meghan 6:05
    Obviously I didn’t have a reason to think anything of it. Also just had no knowledge. First pregnancy–I didn’t know. And everything had been so healthy and so fine.

    Winter 6:15
    Yeah, exactly. They’d been checking you out. You’d looked great. And I–yeah, it’s frustrating when you’re like, kind of takes your innocence away, right?

    Meghan 6:24
    Yeah, I mean, I’ve gotten to a place now where I know I can’t live in the land of “what if”. I can’t keep thinking, Well, if I had done this, maybe this would happen. Or if this had happened. I can’t, I can’t live there, because I can’t change it. So the best I can do is try and tell everyone else to hopefully prevent something bad from happening to someone else.

    Winter 6:41
    Yeah. I like that–not living in the land of “what if”, because that will eat you up.

    Meghan 6:46
    It will.

    Winter 6:46
    It was totally eat you up. Is there anything you guys do–and I think I know the answer to this–that you guys try and do to like physically escape and trying to basically take your mind off of it?

    Meghan 6:58
    We go to Disneyland!

    Winter 6:59
    You go to Disneyland! I was like, I know you were going to say that!

    Meghan 7:01
    That’s our thing–

    Winter 7:02
    Which I think is great.

    Meghan 7:04
    The first trip back after losing Henley was rough. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go. I wasn’t sure how it would be. I didn’t know if my happy place would be ruined. It was hard. You know, seeing people with their children, thinking about all the things we thought we’d have her there for, was hard. But in the end, we did have a good time. And it was still enjoyable to us. And we’ve been back additionally, another time since then now and, you know, I made it through this last trip. I only cried one time, and I had a good time the rest of the time. So it’s still the place that we go to be happy.

    Winter 7:41
    Yeah, that’s– Yes, watching and seeing all the other little families with their little babies. And then kind of the, once again, the “what ifs”, like, Oh, Henley would be able to, you know, do this and do that. And yes, there’s a lot of–

    Meghan 7:55
    We really hope that one day that will be fulfilled with another child. Obviously, it never will be with Henley, but one day we’ll get there with a baby.

    Winter 8:03
    Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Meghan, do you guys go to counseling or any grief support groups or anything like that?

    Meghan 8:12
    We’ve been to the support group that our hospital runs, the hospital delivered at. We went once. And it’s bi-monthly. So they actually have it every month, but one month, it’s on one side of town, and then one month, it’s, you know, 40 miles in the other direction. We didn’t go to the very first one because it was like, the week after I had her and I was like, I just–can’t go there yet. So we went the next month, and then they didn’t have one. They had a Memory Tree event in December, where they have people bring in ornaments for their babies and they get hung on a tree that stays in the hospital lobby all through Christmas. So we did go to that. We actually, when we were at Disneyland, picked up an ornament, had her name put on it and everything. And that hung in the hospital through the Christmas season, and they’ll put it up every subsequent year.

    Winter 8:57
    Oh, that’s great.

    Meghan 8:57
    They’ll put all the ornaments back up. And then there’s another group, the grief support group, there’s another one in the next month, so we’ll go to that one. That was pretty helpful. And then I started counseling for the first time last week, so I’ve only gone once. But I felt like I found the right counselor. I found someone who, not only specializes in this situation, but also has personally been through it.

    Winter 9:22
    So experienced a stillbirth herself?

    Meghan 9:24
    Yes. She said about two years ago.

    Winter 9:26
    Oh, that’s, that’s pretty recent for her too, if you think about it.

    Meghan 9:30
    It’s impressive to me that she’s willing to counsel others about the same thing.

    Winter 9:34
    Yeah. Exactly. Well, that is, that’s great. And I, we’ve–I’m a huge fan of therapy. I mean, so and especially shopping around for somebody that is a good fit. And it sounds like it’s a good fit.

    Meghan 9:45
    I had, I actually had tried another place first, and I just didn’t–like it was one of those like, you walk in and you’re just like not feeling it.

    Winter 9:52
    You’re like, Nope.

    Meghan 9:52
    I was going, This is not gonna work.

    Winter 9:54
    I already know. I don’t know what it is. Exactly.

    Meghan 9:57
    And so the way I came about this therapist was actually very unique. I was at storytime at the library with my friend’s daughter. I was babysitting my friend’s daughter and had brought her to storytime. And I somehow ended up in a conversation with these other moms, talking about their C-sections. And I’m just not shy. So I just interject with mine. And I mean, obviously through the course of the story, they find out that, you know, Henley was stillborn. And not–didn’t really think much of the conversation just kind of said some things. They were just kind of impressed that I was there, you know. And then we went into storytime and that was the end of that. Don’t even know these people’s names, talked to them for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. The next time I came back to the library, now mind you this library, the librarians know me, because I’m a nanny, and I’ve brought lots of kids to storytime.

    Winter 10:43
    You’re there, you’re there.

    Meghan 10:44
    They’ve seen me with a rotating group of children and so they know who I am. The librarian comes up to me and says, Oh I’ve been waiting for you to come back in, you know. This woman that you talked to the last time you were here, she left this for you. She left me a whole letter, like four pages long about her story, about things that had happened to her. She had had loss, not stillbirth, but earlier loss. And then said, You know, I don’t know if you’ve thought of this, but I’ve been going to this counseling place and they’ve helped me immensely. And they specialize this, in this and left the brochure for the Counseling Center.

    Winter 11:18
    That is amazing.

    Meghan 11:19
    So it’s just another case of were like, talking about it is worth it. You know, as much as you’ll make some people uncomfortable, there are so many people that have a story that aren’t willing to say it, until you start the conversation.

    Winter 11:35
    Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Right. That’s, this is why we have the podcast, so we can talk about it.

    Meghan 11:42
    I personally, so my husband and I both got tattoos after we lost Henley, and put them in a very visible place and it’s intentional. It’s on my left forearm on the inside, so, you know, if I’m handing anybody anything, they’re going to see it. And it’s it’s intentional for people to read it and ask a question. So my tattoo says “Henley Ryan. I carried you every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mine” and it has my birth flower and hers.

    Winter 12:06
    Oh, that is awesome. Ah look at that!

    Meghan 12:10
    There you go.

    Winter 12:11
    Oh, that’s so cool.

    Meghan 12:13
    So I intentionally put it there, so that, you know–there are people that read it and just you can tell they get the like, ahhhh look on their face and and don’t say anything. But there’s a lot of people that read it and go, Oh my goodness, that’s so sweet. What happened? And I totally want you to ask what happened. That’s why I put it there. I put it there, so you’ll ask me.

    Winter 12:30
    Yeah. Does your husband have it in kind of a similar location?

    Meghan 12:33
    He’s got a tattoo on the same spot.

    Winter 12:34
    Oh, really? Okay.

    Meghan 12:35
    His tattoo says something else. Got a different quote. And his statue instead of flowers has her actual footprint.

    Winter 12:40
    Oh, really?

    Yay. That’s awesome. That–yeah, I…those physical reminders actually are, I think, very helpful. My husband has a tattoo as well. And that’s, he has it on his forearm so people can ask him about it. And it’s been very good for him.

    Meghan 12:42
    Yeah.

    We got him done about four weeks after we lost her. As soon as I thought my doctor–well I didn’t even ask my doctor. I was just like, What’s the worst that’s gonna happen? She’s gonna yell at me? I’m doing it! As soon as I felt up to it, I was like I’m doing.

    Winter 12:57
    Yeah, yeah. Well, there you go. I’m curious what you would say to somebody that is experiencing a loss like this, that anything that you found comforting to you that you heard, that you would maybe want to pass on to somebody else?

    Meghan 13:24
    I mean, the best advice I can give is take all the pictures. Take, you know, take all the moments you can. Make sure you dress them, make sure you bring–you know if you had a specific like swaddle blanket picked out that you were like, I’m going to use this for my baby, put it on them and take a picture. Because these are the things that like you’ll regret not having them down the line. Call the professionals. Let them come take great quality photos for you. And no matter what you think anyone else is going to think about it, spend as much time as you want to with that baby. It’s totally up to you. I don’t regret my choice. I mean, I wish I would have spent a little longer with her, but I don’t regret what we did. It felt right at the time. And then there, you know, there’s other people that want to spend the full 48 hours they’ll give if they have a Cuddle Cot, and that’s fine. You do what feels right to you. Don’t let anybody else aside from you and your partner influence that decision.

    Winter 14:18
    Yeah. That is great advice. I have found that different people want to spend, yeah, exactly 48 hours or however long that they will let you have them. And then others were like, that was good. I need to…I need, for myself, closure. And they–

    Meghan 14:33
    We gave her back when we did, because she could started leaking fluid out of her nose and she just wasn’t going to look the same. And I wanted the last memories to be of her looking as good as she could. So you know, it’s a personal choice, and don’t let anybody else try and change how you feel about it.

    Winter 14:54
    Yeah, yes. Now Meghan, what would you NOT to somebody that’s experiencing such a loss?

    Meghan 15:03
    Well, we’ve had some things that people say that, I think, that no one should ever say to people.

    Winter 15:09
    Don’t call anybody out by name. But go ahead. I would love to hear them.

    Meghan 15:12
    Well, these aren’t like specific people we’re close to. This is just like, you know, in the course of people on the street. Right. No matter your religious beliefs, whether you’re religious or not–we’re not. Some people are. That doesn’t matter. Don’t ever tell someone it was God’s plan. Don’t do it. No matter how much you believe that, it’s not comforting in any way, shape, or form.

    Winter 15:35
    No, no, not at all. I mean…

    Meghan 15:37
    You can tell me that, you know, you’re praying for me. And that’s fantastic, because that means you’re thinking good things for me. Awesome. Don’t ever say that it was God’s plan. Don’t tell me everything happens for a reason.

    Winter 15:48
    Oh, yeah. Hate that one too.

    Meghan 15:50
    These are not good things to say. They’re not comforting. And if you don’t know what to say, at all, just say you’re sorry.

    Winter 15:56
    Yeah. That’s huge. I love when people say I’m just sorry about what happened. And I’m like, thanks.

    Meghan 16:01
    I’m so sorry. That’s horrible. Yep. That’s enough. If can’t think of anything else, that’s enough. You’ve said something.

    Winter 16:08
    Yeah. And you thought about me, so that’s good. Yeah.

    Meghan 16:11
    And don’t–you know, the other thing that was that I think now is hard, is don’t don’t not say anything because you don’t know what to say. Don’t just disappear, because you don’t know what to say. I know it makes you uncomfortable. It makes everyone uncomfortable. I’m going to be uncomfortable for the rest of my life.

    Winter 16:29
    Yeah, I’ve got this with me.

    Meghan 16:30
    But you’ve got to say something. Don’t just ignore the existence. Like say something! And I finally, I posted on social media a couple of days ago, I posted something telling people that I want them to ask me about her. I want them to say things. I got tired of everybody just kind of like skirting around the subject. This is what we’re doing.

    Winter 16:54
    So it was, it was–there was a lot of people kind of tiptoeing around?

    Meghan 16:58
    Oh, lots of people dancing around, not wanting to ask anything. And I’m like, just, just ask. The most comforting thing you can do, is ask me about her. She existed.

    Winter 17:08
    Yeah. I carried her. I gave birth to her.

    Meghan 17:12
    Oh, yeah. And then we’ve had, you know, in conversations with other people, you know, kind of like I said, when I jumped into that conversation at storytime, I’ve had other conversations where I’ve jumped into somebody’s conversation about pregnancy or birth. And you can tell it just makes them totally uncomfortable. I jumped into this conversation, and I want to be like, Look, just because I didn’t bring a baby home, doesn’t mean I didn’t have a baby. I went through the same thing.

    Winter 17:35
    Yep. Yep.

    Meghan 17:37
    The only difference is your C-section ended with a baby crying and mine ended with silence.

    Winter 17:42
    Yeah. Yep. You still gave birth.

    Meghan 17:45
    Yep.

    Winter 17:46
    You carried her.

    Meghan 17:48
    Yeah. And you’d be surprised how many people are totally uncomfortable with that. Or the people that are just like, I don’t want you to, you know–your story. It makes me uncomfortable, and I just I can’t talk about it. Well, then I guess you can’t talk to me like, I guess we’re done then.

    Winter 18:05
    Yeah, cuz you’re like, this is part of who I am now.

    Meghan 18:08
    This is my life. And if you’d like to be a part of my life, then this, this is part of what we have to talk about.

    Winter 18:13
    You know, it’s interesting. I listened to a TED talk and, and it was a woman who had experienced stillbirth. And she’s like, the one thing about stillbirth is kind of like, it’s like a fire, a slow burning fire, that it burns away all the stuff that doesn’t really matter. So sometimes those relationships and those things that really just don’t matter, kind of go away.

    Meghan 18:32
    You also kind of lose a lot of your filter for things. I’m real blunt with people now. You know, and, and sometimes the hardest conversations that people have, they haven’t, not meaning it for it to be an in depth, very personal conversation. You know, Oh, do you have kids? You know, just the general we’re just trying to have a chitchat. And I don’t lie. So I answer and I respond. Yes, I have a daughter, but I lost her at 36 weeks, and then they’re uncomfortable and they don’t know what to do now. Well, you asked the personal question, so you get the answer. If you didn’t want the answer, don’t ask the question. You could have just been like, you know, It’s been hot outside today.

    Winter 19:14
    Yeah, the weather!

    Meghan 19:16
    You chose to ask the question. Don’t be astounded by the answer.

    Winter 19:19
    It is a very personal question. People don’t realize it, but it’s a very personal question. So…

    Meghan 19:24
    It is, and I mean, it’s, it’s a personal choice on how you decide to answer. I refuse to say, I don’t have any kids. But honestly, there are some times where I think about it. And sometimes I will. If I’m never going to see this person again, and I passed them in the grocery store for five seconds, sometimes I’ll just be like, No, and then keep walking. Because it’s just, sometimes it’s exhausting to have to go through the whole conversation or just deal with the people that like, look at you, Ahhhh! I don’t know what to do.

    Winter 19:48
    Yeah. Don’t be like those people. Come on, people. So how has Scott, your spouse, handled the loss? How has that looked like for him and as a couple even?

    Meghan 20:01
    I mean, he’s been great for me, but he definitely is a lot more quiet about it. Like any conversation about Henley is initiated by me, not initiated by him. You know, everybody grieves differently and it’s been difficult for me to sit there and realize that just because he’s not grieving the same way I am, doesn’t mean he’s not grieving. But I think we’re closer than ever now. I mean, we have been through this and it’s probably the hardest thing we’ll ever deal with together and we’ve been together for a long time now. I mean, we started dating when we were 19. We’re 30, well I’m 32 and he’s almost 32 now. So been quite a while. Almost 13 years. So you know, it’s–every day is different and some days he does cry. Some days, he doesn’t say anything about her at all. And it’s it’s different for him than for me, because I talk about her every day, but you know, he’s never offended when I talk about her. He never doesn’t want to respond when I talk about it. I think he just doesn’t choose to initiate those conversation.

    Winter 21:06
    Right. And that’s fine. That’s just how he communicates. That’s what feels comfortable to him, it sounds like?

    Meghan 21:12
    Yeah, I’m sure his episode will be much less in depth on talking than mine. He just doesn’t talk quite as much as I do.

    Winter 21:18
    Most of the men’s episodes are a little bit shorter. And that’s perfectly fine. I think, kudos to you guys, though, for staying close to each other, and maybe even getting stronger in your relationship. Because these these can shatter a relationship pretty easily. These kinds of tragedies can be very difficult.

    Meghan 21:23
    I can see how it does.

    Winter 21:36
    Yeah. Because there’s so much stress and then you just like, Why aren’t you grieving like me? And it’s and it’s frustrating.

    Meghan 21:41
    Yeah. I mean, I think it somewhat helps that we had been through some loss together prior to this. And granted, it was my family, and not his, but we’ve been together so long that my family is basically his. You know, he was he was pretty close to my grandmother when she passed away and when my dad passed away, he was actually the one that found my father. So we’ve been through quite a bit together.

    Winter 22:04
    You have. So you, so mentioning these previous kind of deaths that you guys have experienced, did you think that was kind of a little preparatory? Or did you–? I’m just curious, like how you feel about having those experiences before Henley?

    Meghan 22:20
    Well, so we thought that 2016, the year that both those people passed away, was going to be the worst year ever, right? You get out of that and you go, Okay, this is as bad as it can get. Can’t get any worse than this. Well, I don’t think that way anymore. Because 2019 was worse than that. But I think that I was able to handle the loss of Henley a little more gracefully after having been through what I already have. I kind of already knew how my body was going to deal with grief, how my brain handled it, and you know, was able to deal with things a little better. I mean, I wouldn’t say you know, what really prepares you, but at least I had some background and experience on losing someone. Well, this is so much more intense than that. Even though that was my father and my grandmother. It’s still, this is more intense. This is somebody that didn’t ever really get to live at all.

    Winter 23:10
    Yeah. didn’t get a chance to–yeah. The death of dreams, is what they call it is. And I’m like, yep, that’s exactly what it feels like. I know it’s been short, a short four months, right?

    Meghan 23:23
    Yeah.

    Winter 23:24
    Have you had any realizations or “aha” moments about how you grieve or just about the entire process that you’re going through right now?

    Meghan 23:32
    Well, I’ve had people tell me that I’m kind of crazy, because like I said, I am a nanny. I wasn’t working when I…while I was working at the beginning of my pregnancy and ended up losing my job, because the family I was working for the mother got laid off from her job, and they couldn’t afford to keep me.

    Winter 23:48
    Oh, gotcha. Okay.

    Meghan 23:49
    So then I tried to find a job for a while, and finding a job as a nanny while you’re pregnant is just kind of next to impossible.

    Winter 23:57
    That’s rough, I’m sure.

    Meghan 23:58
    So I watched my little cousin for the summer while they were out of school. They’re, they’re twins. They’re nine-years old. So I watched them the whole summer while they were out of school, and it kind of gave me something to do in the meantime. And by the end of summer, I was really pregnant. So I was like, I give up. I’m not gonna try and find a job until after I have her. It’s fine, right? Like, so from the end of August until what was supposed to be the end of October, I was like, I’m just not gonna work. I ended up finding a job–well, I found the job the end of December, but I actually started this job about two-and-a-half weeks ago now.

    Winter 24:29
    Okaaay…

    Meghan 24:30
    And everybody thinks I’m crazy, because the child I’m watching now is two-and-a-half months old. And she’s a little girl. So, essentially, for all intents and purposes, I was due October 29 with Henley. This little girl was born on November 9th, so it’s exactly the same is what it should have been. Which some days is tougher than others. To look at her know, well, this is what she should have been doing. This is about how big she should have been. But for me, it would have been weird to find a job doing anything else, because I had a moment where I thought about not going back to nannying. And I’ve spent the last like, almost eight years of my life helping raise other people’s children. So I couldn’t fathom going and doing something else. And as hard as it as some days to be with her, it’s also healing in other ways to be with a baby, you know, for three days a week. Though, it’s not my baby, I get to be helping care for someone’s baby. So that that desire and that, you know, need to fill your arms is at least getting catered to in some way.

    Winter 25:41
    Yeah.

    Meghan 25:43
    I’m getting to do something with it. Yeah.

    Winter 25:46
    Oh, so hard, though. But that sounds like a little bit of a calling for you. It feels right, I guess.

    Meghan 25:53
    It feels right. And I think, you know, after what has happened to me, I’m probably the most attentive nanny to a baby that’s ever existed now. The intense anxiety and fear about something happening to a child is real. And I’m probably 10 times more attentive than anybody else would be. It took me a while to find a job, because when I was looking for work, I refuse to hide anything. So I refused to hide what had happened with Henley, and I was open about it. And I also refused to hide the fact that we do intend to try and have another child. I didn’t want to get into a position where I got hired for a job, and then got pregnant and somebody go, Oh, we can’t deal with that. So I was honest. And it took me a while to find a family to work for, but the family that hired me is very understanding. This is their first child. And they’re totally okay with the whole situation. They’re totally okay if I do end up pregnant. Like they’re fine with it.

    Winter 26:55
    That’s great.

    Meghan 26:55
    And the job schedule, I mean, it’s 10-hour days, but it’s three days a week, so it’s almost perfect if I do get pregnant, to be able to squeeze in appointments and things, it just seemed like the absolute right fit.

    Winter 27:04
    Yeah. Well, that is, that’s a blessing that that came along. And obviously you were patient to wait for the right, right opportunity, I guess. Oh man.

    Meghan 27:15
    Yeah, cuz I’ve been looking for a job actively, since I was cleared by my doctor six weeks after having Henley. So it took me, you know, a few months.

    Winter 27:24
    Yeah, it takes a while sometimes. Well good. I think that’s great that you’re doing that. I don’t know if I could do that. That would, I’ll be honest…

    Meghan 27:33
    I know, I have a lot of people that are like, I don’t know how you manage.

    Winter 27:35
    Yeah, I was like, I’m not sure how I would be able to do that. That would make me a wreck, I think. I’m pretty sure so.

    Meghan 27:41
    I know I’ve talked to some people that are like, I couldn’t be around a baby. And I’m like, everyone’s different.

    Winter 27:47
    It is! I and I was like, I think I still have not held a baby since our son passed away. Just I’m not really a baby holder either, so I guess it’s not too much out of the ordinary for me. I know that you’re going to be coming up here on, you know, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in the next couple of months. Are you–do guys have anything planned? Are you kind of preparing for that or–?

    Meghan 28:10
    Not really. I mean, we start the “land of one year laters” February 19. Because February 19 was when I found out I was pregnant with Henley. So we’re kind of rolling into that. It’s been a year later about everything. Um, but we really kind of haven’t thought about it. I kind of just ignored it. To be honest,

    Winter 28:28
    Sometimes it’s, sometimes it’s easier, right?

    Meghan 28:33
    And also trying not to think about the, you know, like, one year later, whatever. My husband’s birthday is coming up, and we had found out right before his birthday. And so I’m kind of, just kind of–just gonna push that off to the side. We’re just gonna celebrate your birthday. Like we’re just gonna not acknowledge that totally right now.

    Winter 28:48
    Yeah. Sometimes you have to do that when you just can’t deal.

    Meghan 28:52
    I also you know, I’m the other hard thing, the day Henley was born, is actually–there’s a set of twins that I nannied for a full year from when they were like three months old until they were about 15 months, and I still see them regularly. Friends with their parents now. Henley was born on their second birthday.

    Winter 29:10
    Oh, really?

    Meghan 29:13
    So, I don’t know if that’s hard–if that’s going to be hard or if it’s going to be good that I’m distracted in their birthday.

    Winter 29:19
    Right. Well, it’ll always be a special day. Just a word of warning, like I would maybe just be aware of yourself on the day that you found out that she was [still]born, because that that day was rough for me, when my son was [still]born, because I gave birth to him the next day so.

    This conversation has been awesome. And you’ve had some amazing things to say and I’m so grateful like how blunt you are and open you are about it, because it’s sometimes…people skirt around, like you said, skirt around, tiptoe around the issue and so it’s nice to…

    Meghan 29:52
    I just don’t think it helps anyone if you’re not just honest.

    Winter 29:55
    Yeah. This is the way it is. Kind of sucks. Or doesn’t. Whatever. They’re going to be good days and there’s going to be bad days. Any, any last pieces of advice?

    Meghan 30:04
    Take the time you need and don’t let anybody tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. It’s, I mean, clearly, I’ve been told that I’m very different than most in this situation. And you know, I’ve had people tell me that was weird, and I don’t think it’s weird. Everyone’s different and everyone’s going to deal with it differently.

    Winter 30:21
    Yeah, totally. We’re all different.

    Meghan 30:23
    Well, there’s no wrong way to greive.

    Nope. I think people, yeah, make judgments of like, you should be this way. No. It’s, we’re all different. And it’s surprising sometimes. It’s surprising sometimes. Meghan, thank you so much. This was so great. Like you are just–I appreciate your honesty and sharing your heart. And thank you so much. I really appreciate your time today.

    Thank you.

    Winter 30:51
    Many, many, many thanks to Meghan for a candid, honest story and discussion about Henley. I also super appreciative, that she is helping educate other women who are currently pregnant and trying to get the word out, so that they can keep an eye on their babies and get them here safely. So thank you so much, Meghan, for coming on the podcast today.

    Head over to our website StillAPartofUs.com, where you can find the show notes, including a full transcript of this interview, and any resources that were mentioned, where you can sign up for a short and helpful email newsletter, or you can learn how you can become a patron and support the work it takes to produce a show for just a few dollars a month, and lastly, where you can find out how to get in touch with us if you want to share your child’s story on the show. One thing that we wanted to point out on this show, is that you can go over to the show notes in your podcast player and find a link on how to donate a few bucks to help us keep the lights on, so we can continue bringing these beautiful stories to you.

    The show is produced and edited by Winter and Lee Redd. Thanks to Josh Woodward for letting us use his song “Vanishing Note”. You can find him at JoshWoodward.com. Lastly, subscribe to this podcast and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they’re still a part of us.

    Lee 32:13
    Facebook just sounds like a drag. In my day, seeing pictures of people’s vacation was considered a punishment. Betty White

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

    Filed Under: advice, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: c-section, stillbirth, stillborn

    29: Mom Meghan tells C-section birth story of Henley, stillborn at 36 weeks

    March 1, 2020 by Winter

    Mom Meghan tells about her textbook pregnancy and the C-section birth story and with her first child, daughter Henley, who was stillborn. At her 36-week checkup, she and her husband Scott heard the words every parent hopes to never hear: I’m sorry. She has no heartbeat. 

    Scott and Meghan with their stillborn daughter, Henley

    Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

    In this stillbirth story podcast episode told from mom Meghan’s point of view:

    • Time Stamp 3:03: Meghan has a textbook pregnancy and she was feeling great–they even went to Disneyland at 33 weeks.
    • Time Stamp 5:44: Meghan and Scott get the news that Henley doesn’t have a heart beat.
    • Time Stamp 10:17: She makes the decision to have a C-section.
    • Time Stamp 17:52: Henley is delivered via C-section by Meghan’s doctor.
    • Time Stamp 21:39: Meghan tells how Henley was moving and kicking erratically the night before.
    • Time Stamp 28:46: How they chose Henley Ryan’s name.
    • Time Stamp 35:00: They choose to have Henley cremated.
    • Listen to Meghan’s advice of dealing with grief after Henley’s stillbirth here in Episode 30.
    • Listen to Meghan’s husband, Scott’s birth story of Henley who was stillborn here in Episode 31.
    • Listen to Meghan’s husband, Scott’s advice after Henley’s birth here in Episode 32.
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    Full Transcript

    Meghan 0:00
    Henley Ryan

    We realized that her nose is exactly my nose, so the genetics carry strong.

    Winter 0:19
    Welcome to Still A Part of Us, a podcast where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m Winter Redd, and on this episode, Meghan is telling the story of her daughter Henley, who was stillborn at 36 weeks.

    As a word of caution to our listeners, this story contains emotional triggers of stillbirth and infant loss. Please keep yourself emotionally and mentally healthy and seek help if needed. Also be aware that these birth stories may differ from his or her partner’s, as these accounts are told from their own perspective through the lens of trauma, heartache, and the passage of time. Please respect our moms and dads who are brave and gracious to share their children with us.

    Meghan 1:17
    My name is Meghan. I’m 32. I had to think about for a second. My husband and I have been together since we were 19 years old, but we’ve been married for about six and a half years now. Henley was our first pregnancy, first child. I am a nanny by trade. I’ve been a nanny for seven years. We have two dogs: a chiuaua and a Border Collie-Pitbull mix.

    Winter 1:17
    Meghan, thank you so much for being on today. I’m excited to chat with you about your little Henley. And to give us a little bit of context, tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you? Where you guys at? Kind of just give us a little background of who you are.

    Awesome. And what do you, what do you like to do in your free time?

    Meghan 1:59
    We are Disneyland people you That is our thing. We have annual passes to Disneyland, we go about once every four to six weeks. It’s about a four-hour drive for us.

    Winter 2:08
    No way! That’s amazing!

    Meghan 2:09
    Yeah, we love it. We were actually just there last Sunday and Monday.

    Winter 2:13
    Oh my goodness that it was crazy. Last Sunday and Monday, if I’m not mistaken.

    Meghan 2:17
    It was a holiday weekend. And the opening weekend of a brand new ride. It was insane.

    Winter 2:23
    Did you end up on that brand new ride?

    Meghan 2:25
    We did. We managed to get on.

    Winter 2:27
    That’s amazing. That’s, that’s very cool. You guys are based in Nevada…?

    Meghan 2:33
    Yeah, we live in Las Vegas.

    Winter 2:34
    Okay, so that’s why you’re four hours away from Disneyland. Okay, well, that’s awesome. And then can you give us a little bit of context about when Henley was born?

    Meghan 2:45
    She was born on October 3, 2019. So just under four months ago.

    Winter 2:51
    Yup. At the time of this recording, and this is very new for you, Meghan, so thank you for coming on. And how did your pregnancy go? Like, did you guys get pregnanat pretty quickly and everything?

    Meghan 3:03
    It was a pretty much textbook pregnancy. We weren’t necessarily actively trying when we got pregnant, but we also weren’t preventing anything. So it kind of just happened on the time frame it happened. But the whole pregnancy was pretty textbook, pretty perfect. You know, I didn’t have gestational diabetes. I didn’t have any high blood pressure. I had only–by the time I had her–I’d only gained 25 pounds total and I had her at 36 weeks. Everything looked great. Everything was perfect. I was healthy, to the fact that at 35 weeks pregnant, my doctor cleared me and let me go to Disneyland for the last time. I did a Disney trip at 35 weeks.

    Winter 3:38
    At 35 weeks! Oh man, so everything was really good. Did anything cross your mind about anything being wrong?

    Meghan 3:46
    At our 34-week ultrasound, we found out that she was still breech, which was okay. I mean, we were eventually getting to the point where we were going to have to have the talk about having a C-section, just because she wasn’t turning. But we also found out she was measuring in the 10th percentile, so she was measuring small. So the intent was, at my 36-week checkup two weeks later, she was going to schedule for another growth ultrasound to just kind of see if that was a fluke, because they were kind of having a hard time getting measurements on her just via position. And I have a very short torso, so they’re just between my bones, there wasn’t a lot of space to get the measurement on her bones.

    Winter 4:22
    Gotcha.

    Meghan 4:22
    So they were going to send me for another ultrasound ,just to check and see if if it was a fluke, or if she really was measuring small, but we didn’t make it that far.

    Winter 4:31
    Yeah. Did that worry you at all that he was maybe possibly measuring in the 10th percentile?

    Meghan 4:38
    A little, but the ultrasound tech that did it, had such a hard time getting a measurement on her thigh bone, and that’s the one that they use the most for measurement. So I was just kind of like, you know, it’s probably just the fact that she couldn’t get a true accurate measurement. Like, my belly is measuring normal. Everything else has been fine. I don’t think there’s an issue.

    Winter 4:57
    Okay. So kind of brushed it off as a possible, like, It’ll be, it’ll be fine…?

    Meghan 5:03
    We’ll find out. And if she’s still measuring small in two weeks, well, then we’ll talk about maybe delivering early and, you know, she’ll be small, it’ll be fine.

    Winter 5:10
    Yeah. Okay. Well, then, can you tell us a little bit more about what happened? So you, you went to that the 34-week ultrasound, and then you were planning on coming in for a 36-week ultrasound…and I’m assuming you got checked at 35-weeks. She was fine….?

    Meghan 5:25
    I didn’t.

    Winter 5:26
    Oh you didn’t!

    Meghan 5:26
    I didn’t have an appointment between 34 and 36 weeks. I came back in at 36 weeks for just my regular checkup with my OB, and my husband had come with me, because he was going to get the Tdap shot and at my doctor, if he came with me, they would do it for free. The insurance would cover the whole cost.

    Winter 5:43
    Yes, perfect.

    Meghan 5:44
    So he had only come to very few appointments just due to work. It wasn’t easy for him to take off to come. But this was one that he made it to, because he needed to get that vaccine, and so it just made sense. So we went in for the appointment. You know, they took my weight and I had lost almost a whole pound over the course of two weeks, which seemed a little off to me, but I was like, I just spent like three days at Disneyland walking like crazy. So it’s probably fine. It was probably just that I was more active than I had been. Blood pressure was fine. They give him the shot. And then my doctor as he’s about to rush out to leave to go to work, because he couldn’t stay for the whole appointment, my doctor goes, Hold on! Wait wait! Let’s just, let’s have, let’s do the heartbeat and let daddy listen to the heartbeat real quick.

    And we don’t know why she decided to do this, but she did. So she gets out the Doppler. She puts it on my stomach. And I can tell that it’s taking longer than it should to find a heartbeat. Obviously, he wasn’t aware, because he hadn’t really been there for all the appointments to know how long it should take her to find it. And so she’s searching and searching and she keeps moving it around. And 30 seconds go by and nothing. And then almost a full minute goes by, and she can’t find anything. And she goes I’m having a hard time finding her heartbeat. I’m going to go grab the ultrasound machine. Comes back in with the ultrasound, puts it on my stomach. Starts at her head, you see her skull, you see her head. Goes down, and as soon as she gets on the chest, I could see that her heart wasn’t beating. I mean, by that point, you’ve seen enough ultrasounds, you know what you’re looking for. You know what it’s going to look like.

    And I think it took a minute for my husband to catch up and realize that nothing was moving. And from that point, you know, my doctor said the words nobody wants to hear: I’m so sorry. She has no heartbeat. And I kind of just went into the mode that I’ve gone into with every other tragic event in my life, because my life has been a little intense from 2016 to now. I, in 2016, I lost my grandmother in April and my dad in December. So there’s been a lot of loss in the past couple of years.

    Winter 7:48
    Yeah, there really has been.

    Meghan 7:50
    So I went into this mode of just–the same thing I did when they passed away–just needing to get through the logistics. What, what do we do next? What do we do now? What’s the next thing that has to happen? So I didn’t, there was no initial tears, there was just like, Okay, now what?

    So she sent us to the hospital. She had already called Labor and Delivery at the hospital and told them to expect us. So when we got there, we go up to Labor and Delivery. They put us in a room and we think, Okay, you know, somebody’s going to come in fairly quickly and do another ultrasound. They’ve got to want to be absolutely sure, because the ultrasound she used in the office was like, you know, it’s a terrible office-quality ultrasound. So, then it’s an hour, almost an hour and a half later, before an ultrasound tech finally comes in.

    Winter 8:35
    Are you kidding me?

    Meghan 8:35
    At that point, we’ve both gone, Well, they obviously think there’s no hope of anything. So, I guess we give up. The ultrasound tech comes in, does the ultrasound and obviously they can’t tell you anything.

    Winter 8:49
    Yeah, it’s not in their purview.

    Meghan 8:52
    But this ultrasound tech–and I think she did it as a kind of merciful gesture almost–she did not turn the screen away, when she was typing out her findings to send in the report. So she left it where I could see it when she typed, you know, Breech presentation. No fetal heart tones. Consistent with intrauterine fetal demise. She left it where I could see that this is what it is. And everybody that I’ve talked to seems to think that was terrible, but personally for me, I think she was doing it so that we wouldn’t be sitting, left waiting in limbo longer and longer and longer.

    Winter 9:27
    Yeah, you’d already been there for an hour.

    Meghan 9:29
    Yeah. So, at that point, they came back. The on-call OB came in, who this is obviously someone I’ve never met. And, you know, he tells us what we already knew. I’m so sorry. She has no heartbeat. Here’s your next options. And so she was, Henley was breech and she had her head pretty far up under my left ribs to the point that even still to this day, my rib cage is bowed out on the left side. Like visibly people can tell that my ribs look different on one side than the other.

    Winter 10:02
    Really?

    Meghan 10:03
    Yeah, I have a really, really short torso, so there just wasn’t a whole lot of space. And so my rib cage I, most doctors, I’ve asked and they’re like, Honestly, we don’t ever think it’s going to go back. So that’s like one of the permanent reminders of her.

    So he comes in and he tells me, Okay, well, you could be induced, but here’s all of these possible risks confounded, you know, not just the normal risks of being induced with a stillborn baby, but to add to the fact that she’s completely breach. You know, so they went through all the things that could have happened, that I could have tried to be induced, and they could have delivered everything but her head and she could have gotten stuck. All these scary risks, and a lot of them were risks to my ability to have future children. Then they read me the list of risks for going through with a C-section. Those were far less intense. So without really any discussion with anybody, I just kind of sat there and went, Yep, I will have a C-section. No question about it. That’s what we’re going to do.

    But then the waiting kind of began for the day. So that was at about nine, like 10:30, 10:30, 11 in the morning–

    That you…?

    That I finally decided, Okay, I’m gonna have a C-secion. This is what I’m going to do. And I had talked to the on call ob, and he said, okay, but I’m going to call your ob first and just kind of have a discussion with her, tell her what’s going on. A little while later, I get a phone call on the hospital phone in my room, my OB has called me. And she’s talking to me about the situation telling me, you know…I mean, my doctor was fantastic. She, she when she had to tell us that she had no heartbeat, she was crying even though we weren’t. She’s been wonderful throughout the whole thing. So she calls in between patients in clinic she calls and says, You know, I can’t be there right now, but I can be there late tonight. I can come at like 11 o’clock tonight to do your C-section. I have something going on when I leave the office today, because she has a family and children, so it’s understandable, but she says I can come in at 11 o’clock tonight and do it for you if you would rather wait for me.

    So that’s what I ended up doing, because I wanted to be with someone I was comfortable with. It’s the person I saw the whole pregnancy. And I felt like having her deliver was more comforting, because she was the one there when we found out. So we kind of just spent the whole day sitting in the waiting–in the hospital room, waiting around.

    Winter 12:33
    Oh you did?

    Meghan 12:34
    I did find out, so since I decided to wait until she came in late at night, I hadn’t eaten anything at this point that day because I didn’t have breakfast before my doctor’s appointment. My doctor’s appointment at eight o’clock in the morning. I’m like, we’re going to go in this is gonna be a 30-minute appointment, and then I’ll just go get something to eat afterward.

    Winter 12:48
    Right.

    Meghan 12:49
    And so by that point, it was almost noon and I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink. So when I decided that I was going to wait for my doctor, she told me, you know, If you want to eat, you’re allowed to eat until, you know, 12 hours before when she’s going to do the C-section. So I had an hour and a half or so where I can, like, get some food and, and… You know, I had a friend there with me and my husband, and they both thought it was strange that I wanted to eat, and I’m like, But I’m going to feel so terrible if I continue to go the whole rest of this time and don’t eat anything. Like I have to try and eat.

    So we kind of just spent the whole day sitting in a hospital room, watching TV, talking. Basically kind of ignoring, I mean, personally for me, I was kind of ignoring the situation. It was like, I have all this weird limbo time that I have to sit in now. And I just can’t think about it. Now, meanwhile, my body knew what was going on. I had started having, you know, mild contractions, like my body had figured it out. I opted not to say anything to the nurses about the fact that I was contracting at all, because I didn’t want to accelerate the process in any way. I wanted to wait for my doctor, so I just didn’t say anything. And it wasn’t like bad enough that like, there was any concern of like imminently going into actual labor.

    Winter 14:08
    Right. It was just very starting, starting contraction.

    Meghan 14:12
    My body was definitely starting to figure it out, but it wasn’t very intense or anything. So we kind of spent the whole day just talking and sitting in the room and waiting. And–

    Winter 14:22
    So Meghan really quickly: so Scott is there. He’s not really been there in for your doctor’s appointments. Not a ton of them it sounds like. So he’s probably shocked, I suspect.

    Meghan 14:34
    Yeah, we actually had driven two separate cars to my doctor’s appointment, cuz like I said he was supposed to leave and go directly to work. Yeah. We ended up taking just one car from the doctor’s office to the hospital because I was like, I can’t drive, like, it’s not something I can handle right now. And, you know, he just kind of was sitting there, and he just kind of let me decide what was going to happen. He’s like, you know, he’s obviously devastated, but he, I think he felt like whatever I decided to do from that point, was my choice of how it was going to happen. So I didn’t even really discuss my choice to have a C-section with him. I just kind of looked at him and went, This is what I’m doing. And he went, Okay.

    Winter 15:15
    Well, it’s yes, it does put you in a little bit better position medically.

    Meghan 15:19
    I feel like, you know, from all the women that I’ve talked to, you know, I’ve met several other parents who have lost their children, even one in town that I’m friends with now, and everybody says the same thing that it’s it’s very unusual that I got the situation I did, where I got to choose that I wanted to have a C-section and I got to choose whether I wanted my doctor to do it or not. Most people don’t have this time where they can just kind of make these decisions.

    Winter 15:20
    Yeah. That is pretty unique. And so you were sitting in your room just hanging out You say that you were ignoring, kind of ignoring the situation, in a sense. Did you–?

    Meghan 15:58
    We tried to talk about anything that wasn’t what was happening.

    Winter 16:01
    So did you contact any family members or anything?

    Meghan 16:04
    We did. After I made the decision that I was going to wait for my doctor and I was, you know, gonna have a C-section, we kind of called and told some people. I didn’t really call anyone. I kind of left it up to Scott. He called my mom and stepdad, who actually were in California at the time. They had gone on, you know, they were going to, they were going for a weekend away, and they figured it would be the last weekend away before I went into labor. So they were like, We’re going to go now. And you know, they were just going to stay at some hotel. Well, he called them and immediately they drop everything, pack up, and start driving back. So they’ve got a five-hour drive back, which is part of the reason probably that it was good that I decided to wait until later that night, because they got me there.

    And then you know, we’ve let some other family members know, some friends. I have one friend that actually, we let her know right away what was going on. She found out just after we had gotten to the hospital, before we even had the ultrasound. At the hospital, we had told her, and she dropped everything, had her husband come pick up her daughter and showed up at the hospital and sat there with us all day. She and her husband went and got Scott’s car from the doctor’s office and drove it back to our house. And then she eventually went home, because we told her, Look, we’re going to be here a long time. We want you to go home. You know, put your daughter to bed. You know, you have things you have to do. And she ended up coming back, which I didn’t know until later. She came back while I was, right before I went into surgery, and was there until like three o’clock in the morning when I finally was like you have to go home. Your baby’s gonna be up in like three hours.

    Winter 17:45
    Wow, what a friend. That is–that’s awesome. So you waited. Your surgery was planned at 11 o’clock at night.

    Meghan 17:52
    Well, my doctor got to the hospital about 11 o’clock that night. And they started the prep for surgery and everything. The anesthesia, anesthesiologist came in and talk to me. Kind of did the whole thing. I think we ended up in the actual OR closer to midnight. And then you know, it’s the whole process of them actually numbing you and getting prepped and all of that. And Henley was born at 12:49am on October 3. So we found out the morning of October 2 that she was gone. I had her very early on October 3rd.

    Winter 18:24
    How was the surgery? Was it okay?

    Meghan 18:27
    It was fine. I had every reaction to the anesthesia that they say is normal. So the immediate things they warn you about is, you could have a really, really itchy nose. Yup, felt like I wanted to rip my nose off my face. And then because your blood pressure is going to dip, you also probably will get nauseous. Literally, they put the medicine in, laid me down, and like 10 seconds later, I’m like, I feel like I’m gonna throw up. So they had to pump anti-nausea medicine in. And I mean, I obviously had never been through anything like that, so the sensation of just like not being able to feel anything from your rib cage down was very strange.

    Winter 19:02
    It is very strange. I agree.

    Meghan 19:05
    But overall, I mean, it wasn’t bad. Just the same terrible situation of any C-section where the baby’s not alive. It’s everybody’s talking, the doctors are talking. There’s all kinds of noise. And then you can tell they get to a point where they’re pulling her out and the room goes silent. No one says anything. It’s just deafeningly silent.

    They…I mean…the silence was followed up with, you know, She’s beautiful. I’m so sorry. But it was hard. Sorry.

    So neither one of us looked at her initially. They kind of took her. Cleaned her up. They sewed me up and took me back to the room. And then got me all situated. And then they brought her in to us. They kind of they gave us the choice on what we wanted to do. I mean, before we even went into surgery, they had like a long list of things of: Do you want this? Do you want that? You know, do you want us to take pictures? Do you have an outfit you want to her put in? Is there any one specific you want to be here? All the different things that we could have done.

    We ended up–Scott had gone home and gotten stuff for us earlier in the day, because obviously, we didn’t even have a hospital bag packed at this point. I still thought I had four weeks to go and it was my first baby. So I’m like, if I even go into labor by then… Like, I wasn’t–everything else was ready–but we hadn’t packed a bag. So he went home with all the stuff and I had him bring an outfit for Henley. And we had a stuffed animal that he brought that he specifically wanted with her. It’s a little Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy.

    Winter 20:59
    That’s amazing.

    Meghan 21:01
    It was the first thing that he had bought specifically for her. So they bring us back to the room and they had already taken her and cleaned her up and taken pictures of her for us.

    Winter 21:11
    Oh, they did! Okay…

    Meghan 21:12
    And changed her clothes, which we were given all the options, if we wanted to do these things ourselves, but I just, I was mostly afraid of what she was going to look like, that I didn’t know that I wanted to. So I knew I wanted to see her. I knew I wanted to hold her ,but I didn’t know if I wanted to dress her, because I just wasn’t sure, you know, exactly what was going to be. And I mean, we had a pretty good idea of how long she’d been gone at that point.

    Winter 21:38
    What did they say?

    Meghan 21:39
    Because the night before I went to the doctor, I was laying on the couch and about 9pm and my placenta was in the front, so we couldn’t usually like see her kicks like from across the room or anything. But there were these intense crazy kicks that Scott could see from across the couch. And it was crazy. That’s the last time I for sure know she moved. Well come to find out the thing that doctors don’t tell everyone, is that erratic and extra intense movements, can be a sign of distress. And had I known this and gone to the hospital immediately, we may have had a different outcome in the end. So this is something that I pass on to every woman I know that’s pregnant now. Like, your doctor is not going to tell you this and I don’t mean to sound scary, but you need to know this.

    Winter 22:27
    Yeah. Yeah. So you think it was the night before basically on the 1st?

    Meghan 22:31
    Sometime between 10, 10:30pm on October 1. And when we went to the doctor at 8am on October 2. So she had only been gone at most like a day and a half by the time I had her. And because, you know, I know after the fact now that because I had a C section she came out looking a lot more perfect than had I delivered her naturally. I mean, there’s just ,there’s less trauma, if they go through that way.

    Winter 23:03
    Exactly.

    Meghan 23:04
    So they brought her in and had her all dressed up and I held her. And you know, the first thing we noticed is that, like I said, we had noticed in an ultrasound, because we’d had a 3D 4D ultrasound at like 30 weeks, but immediately everybody, you know, my, my husband and me both are like, It’s my nose. My nose…my nose is very turned up. And it’s from my dad’s side. Apparently, it’s a very, very strong genetic trait, because my dad had it. I have it. My half-brother has it. And it passed right on to Henley.

    And, you know, we took, we took a little bit of time. I held her. Scott just…I asked him if he wanted to hold her and he just couldn’t. He just didn’t feel like he could. I did be slightly pushy and I made him come in next to me and have a picture taken, so that we at least had one or two pictures of the three of us. Even Now I regret that I didn’t call Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to come take really great quality photos, it just wasn’t something that was like, my mind was able to process that I should have done at that point in time. They had given me the paper with their phone number. But in that whole thing happening, you don’t really think about that. I honestly never would have even thought to bring her clothes, except for my friend that was there with us–it’s actually her neighbor, that has also lost a child–and she had actually, when she found out, she had immediately called her neighbor and gone, What do I need to tell her to do?

    Winter 24:33
    That’s awesome. That was so smart.

    Meghan 24:35
    Her neighbor lost a baby at 34 weeks, and it was about a year and a half ago. So she, still fresh, but like was able to tell her, Okay, you’re gonna want to tell her to take all the pictures, to bring an outfit for her to…you know, all these things that you don’t think about in the moment, and she didn’t think about in the moment, but she’s basing them off things she regrets or things that somebody else told her, that I’m so grateful that somebody told me, you know. It’s so helpful to have somebody that can actually be like, No, I’ve been there. And this is what you need to know.

    Winter 25:09
    Let’s try…yeah, you will, you’ll want this. Yeah.

    Meghan 25:12
    So we only had Henley in our room for probably 20 or 30 minutes. We actually gave the opportunity for my mom and stepdad, who were the only other–I had the one friend at the hospital and my mom and stepdad were there–we gave the opportunity for them to meet her, but I didn’t want them to meet her in the room with me. I just didn’t know how I would do seeing that. So they had another room right next to me that they could have brought Henley into, and my mom and stepdad could’ve met her in there. My mom and stepdad actually chose not to. I haven’t really asked the reasoning behind that. It was their choice I left to them.

    Winter 25:48
    It was their choice. Yeah.

    Meghan 25:49
    So, the nurses eventually, you know, we decided, Okay, you know, we’re ready to let her go. You know, gave her a final kiss and they took her. After that point, they actually took her in the other room. And we know now, that they took hand and footprints. They did them, you know, in ink. They did them into clay that was then given back to us later. And we have these really special things that, I guess we’re one of the first from the hospital that they’re actually started doing it, they’re three-dimensional molds of her hand and her foot.

    Winter 26:24
    That’s awesome.

    Meghan 26:25
    So, you know, you can see every detail, and her little hand is curved, so like you could put your finger in. And they took a bunch of pictures. And so we have all that stuff now. And then I was actually given the option to leave the hospital that night, the night of the third.

    Winter 26:44
    Really?

    Meghan 26:45
    So very quickly. I chose to stay overnight. Just because I didn’t want to go home at night. I was like, I’d rather go home–we have a roommate–and I decided I’d rather go home while he’s at work. I’d rather transition back into being at home while he’s not there. So waited and stayed one more night. And then the process of getting discharged was a little iffy, because they have to get your vitals in a certain area to be able to discharge you. Well, obviously, my blood pressure was high, because hi, traumatic experience. And then they kept having problems getting my oxygen level to be good. Well, they keep coming in, they’re trying to take my oxygen level, after somebody had said something that sent me crying. Well, clearly, I’m not breathing properly, because I’m crying.

    Winter 27:34
    Yeah.

    Meghan 27:36
    So eventually, we got everything. Okay. And I went home that Friday at about 11am. So I was only in the hospital from Wednesday at like 930 in the morning till Friday at 11am.

    Winter 27:49
    But it’s a C-section. Holy cow. I can’t believe they. They’re like, You can go home.

    Meghan 27:54
    Yeah, I was impressed that they would let me go home that soon.

    Winter 27:57
    Yeah, I–usually it’s a little bit longer than that.

    Meghan 28:00
    I was up walking, probably four hours after the C-section. They had me up and walking and so they were, you know, I had ticked off all the boxes of the things they need you to be able to do before you can go home.

    Winter 28:14
    Were you feeling okay?

    Meghan 28:16
    I was sore, but overall, yeah, I was okay. We found out through this process that I can’t have toradol, because that makes my nose itch terribly. So two doses of that, I went, No more! So, you know, I mean, I left the hospital on just ibuprofen, you know, 800 milligram ibuprofen, but ibuprofen nonetheless. And I mean, the recovery wasn’t horrible. I think part of that is, you know, it’s much easier to recover from a C-section when you’re not taking care of somebody else.

    Winter 28:46
    Yeah, yes. Yeah, that’s so true. Now, Meghan, can you tell me a little bit about Henley’s name? How did you choose her name?

    Meghan 28:55
    So her first name was picked out before she ever even was a thought. Scott I had watched a movie called “Now You See Me” and the main character that’s female, her name is Henley. And we both had just looked at each other, and we’re like, That’s what we’re naming a baby!

    We hadn’t even talked about having children at this point. But that’s what it was. And so we chose her name then. And as soon as we found out, we were pregnant, I was like, I know it’s a girl. I know it’s a girl. And everybody’s like, Okay. We had an ultrasound at just before 15 weeks. We paid for one, because I was too eager to know.l I could not wait. And we found out she was a girl. And so immediately, she had a first name, she did not have a middle name until she was born. I had wanted her middle name to be Ryan. But I spent a lot of time bothered by the fact that like her first name is kind of gender-neutral. And so if I give her a boy’s name as a middle name, is she going to be that kid in school where they’re reading the attendance list, and nobody’s going to know if that’s a boy or a girl. So then I thought about spelling Ryan differently. I thought about spelling it with R-Y-A-N-N, so that screamed female, but I didn’t really love that. So after everything happened, we knew that all of my fears weren’t going to be a factor about her name. I said forget it. I made me here what I want and just went with it. So her middle name is just spelled just like any other Ryan.

    Winter 29:08
    Really? Okay!

    Okay, that’s awesome. I was wondering, I was like that’s just kind of a unique name so… Yeah, it’s always tricky, right, names? So you…

    Meghan 30:27
    You kind of immediately go to: Okay, what are they going to get teased about with this name?

    Winter 30:32
    Yep, that’s exactly right.

    Meghan 30:35
    Or you don’t want to be me, who my name is Meghan. But it’s not spelled exactly the way everyone else spells it and you have to spell your name for everyone forever.

    Winter 30:43
    Yes, forever. It is what it is, right? I have a name “Winter” and everybody’s like, What? Yes, like the season. So you guys headed home, and did you end up having an autopsy? Was there any sort of conclusion about what happened?

    Meghan 31:04
    They gave us the option for an autopsy, which initially we wanted to, but then we found out that insurance doesn’t cover it. It would have cost us $3,000. So we decided, you know, I talked to my doctor, and she said, Realistically with everything I’ve seen after looking at her, after looking at the placenta, I don’t think there’s a high likelihood that an autopsy is going to give you an answer. And at that point, we were just like, Well, then it’s not–we’re not going to spend the money on it.

    Winter 31:32
    So even just the visual, the first, I mean, just basically looking at her once over, looking at the placenta, they didn’t have any conclusions either there?

    Meghan 31:39
    The only thing she came up with initially, is that she had a very, very short umbilical cord. So when they did the C-section, they pulled Henley out, she barely had enough cord to put her onto my stomach before she delivered the placenta. Her record was really, really short, and it wasn’t coiled as much as it should have been, because it was so short. So realistically the best guess on what we think happened, is that as she was trying to turn from breach, she was compressing her umbilical cord, because it was so short and that’s why she was measuring small. And I guess I should mention that in the end when she was born at 36 weeks, she was 18 and a half inches long, which is pretty normal for that gestation, but she was only four pounds 10 ounces. So she was almost two pounds too small.

    Winter 32:26
    Yeah. For being thirty…36 weeks. Yeah.

    Meghan 32:31
    So they think that as she was trying to turn, she was compressing the cord, and that’s why she had started measuring small, because she had compressed it somewhat, but was still getting some blood flow. And they think that just that night when after I felt her move last they think she just compressed it completely…

    Winter 32:45
    So much. Yeah. Oh. Okay. So that’s what they think happened.

    Meghan 32:50
    After the fact now, I’ve actually gone to see a genetic counselor and a high-risk specialist, just to prepare for the next time, to know, you know, what, what, what can we do if there’s anything different. Is there anything I should be doing, shouldn’t be doing. And they’ve labeled it as intrauterine growth restriction, cuz she was so small and they’ve labeled it as partially, a placental insufficiency. They think that my placenta was just starting to kind of crap out too early. But they didn’t really test anything. So they’re not positive.

    We’re also running…we, they ran some blood tests on me in the hospital for clotting disorders, and I came back negative for all of those. But currently, I actually went for bloodwork yesterday. They’re running just like the huge panel of all the things just to see. And we’re also running genetic carrier screening, just to make sure. The genetic counselor, the high-risk doctor, and my doctor don’t think we’re going to find anything. And they do not think there was a genetic component to anything. You know, basically my doctor just said, as horrible as this is, it’s just a random, terrible occurrence. Nothing to be done to prevent it, nothing to be done to change it. It’s just like, you know, crappy luck, actually. So they’re running all these things, but they don’t, they don’t think they’re gonna find anything. It’s more just for peace of mind to know that, like, we’ve checked off all the boxes. Everything comes back normal.

    Winter 34:14
    Yeah. Did you have any genetic testing but done beforehand?

    Meghan 34:18
    I did not.

    Winter 34:18
    Okay. Okay. So this will be kind of the–

    Meghan 34:20
    I had opted not to during pregnancy. At the beginning, you know they offer you to do the early genetic testing, and I kind of had the mindset, you know, to me, it’s not going to matter what they find, so I’m just not going to do it. It’s not going to change what’s going on for me. Now, the next time I get pregnant, all the tests, all the time!

    Winter 34:39
    All of it, we’re doing it all.

    Meghan 34:41
    Anything you wanna do, do it!

    Winter 34:42
    Well, I was going to say, yeah, I was gonna say now that you’ve had the stillbirth and it’s…yeah, it puts you in a different category now and so you’re gonna check all the things!

    Meghan 34:49
    The wonders of I am immediately a high-risk patient the next time I’m pregnant.

    Winter 34:54
    Yeah, exactly.

    Meghan 34:55
    First pregnancy and now every subsequent will be considered high risk.

    Winter 35:00
    When you get home then, how was being home? Did you guys start planning any funeral services or memorial services?

    Meghan 35:07
    We decided not to have any kind of a funeral, just not something that either of us really wanted. We had her cremated, which that process was more dramatic than it needed to be with the funeral home. It took an excessively long amount of time, and there were issues where, you know, I called and called and called, trying to get information.. Nobody gave me information. It was just a whole mess. It took like three and a half weeks before we got her back. And actually, I found out from the certificate of cremation, that she had been cremated five days prior to the day they finally told me that we could go pick her up. It was a mess.

    Winter 35:47
    Oh. Did you, do…so you… no funeral services. You had her cremated. You did get her back though.

    Meghan 35:53
    We did.

    Winter 35:55
    And she just at home and with you guys?

    Meghan 35:57
    We actually just–yeah, I mean, we got…when we got her back, they just kind of had given the urn that they give for free, because the funeral home we went through is one locally that does things, that any baby under the age of two, they’ll cremate for just the state fee. So the $10 or whatever you have to pay for the state. They don’t charge for it, which is why we went through them because after this whole experience, it’s, I mean, it’s a lot of money that you didn’t expect to be spending

    Winter 36:25
    Yes, it’s so, it’s so..it’s like a rude wake up. It’s like what?! I have to–what?!

    Meghan 36:30
    We went from expecting $1,000 copay for a delivery to $4,000 in copays for a C-section and it happening four weeks earlier than we anticipated.

    So, it was kind of crazy. So she came home in the urn they gave us, which we didn’t really love so we eventually purchased another one and it’s shaped like a castle. My husband picked it, because it makes him think of Disneyland.

    Winter 36:56
    Yeah. I love that.

    Meghan 36:58
    So her earn And you know, all of her hand and footprints and molds and everything are just kind of on the dresser in her nursery. Because I was 36-weeks pregnant. We had an entire room ready. You know, clothes washed and put in the dresser, diapers out, everything totally ready. So that just seemed like the right place for her to be. Eventually I’m sure we will do something else, because we’re very hopeful that there will be another baby to actually use that nursery. But for now, that’s just what feels right.

    Winter 37:39
    Do you go hang out in her nursery?

    Meghan 37:42
    I do. I actually sit in her rocking chair in there ,and I have a little journal that I write letters to her and it’s just…you know, about nothingness. Just about what’s happening that day or whatever, but makes me feel close to her. Cuz you know, the chair that I bought with the intention of–well it was purchased for me–but with the intention of getting to rock her, and we don’t get to. So that’s what is comforting. We also have a weighted teddy bear that’s weighted to her birth weight and sometimes I’ll just sit in there with that. But otherwise, we keep the door shut. You know, it’s the one room in the house. we keep the dogs out of.

    Winter 38:24
    It’s kind of a special area.

    Meghan 38:28
    Preserved.

    Winter 38:28
    Yeah, this is her room. This is her room.

    Meghan 38:33
    It’s actually connected to the room I’m sitting in currently by a bathroom. So it’s just the other side of the bathroom next to me.

    Winter 38:40
    Well, thank you for sharing that story. I can’t imagine.

    Meghan 38:45
    Thanks for letting me talk about her.

    Winter 38:46
    Well, we always want to talk about are our kids, right? I mean, I always want to talk about my son, so… Is there anything else you want to say to remember about her?

    Meghan 38:59
    I mean, just that, we just like everybody else, we wish things could have been different. But we’re so thankful for the time that we did have. You know, I got 36 weeks of having her with me, which is something that I would never trade. Even though the end was horrible, I would never trade getting that time with her.

    Winter 39:21
    Yeah. Thank you so much, Meghan.

    So many thanks to Meghan for being vulnerable and sharing your beautiful story of Henley with us. Head over to our website StillAPartofUs.com, where you can find the show notes including a full transcript of this interview and any resources that were mentioned, where you can sign up for our short and helpful email newsletter, where you can learn how you can become a patron and support the work it takes to produce this show for just a few dollars a month, and lastly, where you can find out how to get in touch with us if you want to share your child’s story on the show.

    The show is produced and edited by Winter and Lee Redd. Thanks to Josh Woodward for letting us use his song “Flickering Flame”. You can find them at JoshWoodward.com. Lastly, subscribe to this podcast and share it with their friends that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they’re still a part of us.

    Lee 40:38
    My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Ashleigh Brilliant

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

    Filed Under: birth story, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: c-section, stillbirth, stillborn

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    We're Winter and Lee Redd. Because of our sweet son Brannan who was stillborn at 38 weeks, we created this place where other moms and dads can share the birth story of their baby that was stillborn or who died in infancy.

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