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birth story

Owen David | A Mom’s Early Term Birth Story and Baby Death at 26 Weeks

February 7, 2022 by Winter

Lori Ann tells of her journey through infertility, miscarriage, and complications with her next pregnancy, which included putting in a cerclage due to an incompetent cervix and later her water breaking at 21 weeks. Instead of terminating the pregnancy, Lori Ann and her husband Matt decided to wait to see what would happen, monitoring her temperature to make sure she didn’t develop an infection. At 24 weeks, she was admitted until Owen was born at 26 weeks via emergency C-section. Owen was 2 lb and they were able to see Owen open his eyes, but he was struggling to breath on his own. They decided to remove the breathing tube, and she was able to hold him till he passed away.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

00:00 Baby’s name
01:47 Who the parents are
06:45 First Loss
12:29 Owen’s Pregnancy
34:14 Gender
42:54 Short Cervix
48:02 Water Breaking
1:08:47 Final Hospital Stay
1:14:53 C- Section
1:21:12 Meeting Owen
1:38:58 Time to go
1:42:20 Cremated

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen Matt’s (Lori Ann’s husband) birth episode of son Owen: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Bianca’s and Michael’s advice episode after Jalen’s death: Click here

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Lori Ann with Owen

Full Transcription:


Lori Ann 0:00
Owen David.

Lori Ann 0:08
When I first saw him, the first thing I noticed was his cute little nose. And I was actually kind of shocked with how much hair he had. And just his tiny little fingers. You know, every little feature when a baby’s that small, like two pounds, it’s just amazing how they are just a little human. They’re just so tiny, but I can just remember all of his features on his face, his lips, nose and eyes. They were just perfect.

Winter 0:47
Welcome to Still A Part of Us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy.

Winter 0:53
I’m winter.

Lee 0:54
And I’m Lee, we are grateful you joined us today. Please know that this is a story of loss and has triggers.

Winter 1:00
Thanks to our lost parents who are willing to be vulnerable and share their children with us.

Lee 1:04
If you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.

Winter 1:11
Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they’re still a part of us.

Winter 1:26
Lori Ann, thank you so much for coming on to the podcast today. I am just so glad that you reached out and are willing to come in and tell your story today. So welcome to the podcast. Yes, thank you. Can you tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do on a daily basis? Who’s in your family right now?

Lori Ann 1:47
Um, okay. So my husband and I met online actually on a dating website. Things progressed pretty quickly, which we were a little nervous at first, but you know, it ended up working out. After a couple of months, we moved in together, and we’ve been together ever since. That’s been eight years now.

Lori Ann 2:15
It’s just my husband. We have two dogs, which are pretty much basically our kids. They’re our lives. I don’t know what I would do without them actually, like they keep us going really. We live in the country kind of so it’s very secluded. We definitely really like that lifestyle, we enjoy being outdoors, hiking and doing all those fun things. For work, I am an ABA therapist. So I work with kids between the ages of two and five. We work on preparing them to go to school, and the kids have autism. So it’s a very challenging, but fun and rewarding job.

Winter 3:15
Oh, I’m sure it is.

Lori Ann 3:17
Yeah.

Winter 3:17
That’s awesome. Of course, you’re doing a lot of this right online at this current time or are you meeting people in person?

Lori Ann 3:26
We are actually. I go to an in center, some ABA therapists go in home. When COVID first happened. Well, Owen was actually born on March 10, of 2020. And two days after he was born was when they shut down.

Winter 3:50
Everything.

Lori Ann 3:50
Pretty much like the world.

Winter 3:52
Yeah.

Lori Ann 3:53
So my job had shut down for a couple of months, but I was on maternity leave, like already at that point. So I wasn’t really affected by that because I was already out. But then my job is considered medically necessary because Autism is a medical diagnosis. So they went back to work pretty quickly. I mean, I didn’t go back to work pretty quickly.

Winter 4:34
We’ll get into that a little bit more. So-

Lori Ann 4:36
-Yeah, we can get but um, we are in person and I work in a center. There’s just the three of us. So like three adults and three kids and then our boss.

Winter 4:49
Yeah.

Lori Ann 4:50
So yeah, we are in person. And yeah, I mean, I could go home, but I definitely prefer the center.

Winter 5:02
Okay. Okay, that’s good to know. What part of the country are you located? You can just give me generalities.

Lori Ann 5:09
Yeah we’re in New Jersey.

Winter 5:12
Okay. So back east there. Sounds like you and your husband like to do outdoor things, you have dogs and everything, any other hobbies that you guys like to do by yourself? Or together?

Lori Ann 5:26
We love watching different movies. It used to be Netflix a lot but Netflix, I don’t know, they’re kind of being a little weird. You know, wherever we can get some good movies.

Winter 5:43
Yeah.

Lori Ann 5:43
Definitely hiking with the dogs. Family means a lot to me. So we actually spend a lot of time with our families.

Winter 5:57
Are both sides of the family nearby?

Lori Ann 6:01
Matt’s mom is about a half hour away from us. Then my parents are an hour away from us.

Winter 6:08
Okay.

Lori Ann 6:09
But I mean I drive an hour to work every day.

Winter 6:12
I was like, that’s probably nothing for you.

Lori Ann 6:14
Yeah, that’s normal.

Winter 6:16
Yeah. Well, great. You did mention that Owen was born in March of 2020. So it’s at the time of this recording. It’s been about a year since he was born. Tell me, were you guys planning on getting pregnant? How did the birth? How did the pregnancy go? Was that something that you guys were hoping to have happen?

Lori Ann 6:45
Yes, I’m in 2015. We actually got pregnant on our own, and we were never not not trying. So we found out we were pregnant. Our wedding was actually in nine months. So our baby would have been due almost a couple of days before our wedding day.

Winter 7:14
Really?

Lori Ann 7:15
Yes. So that was a little bit of a shock. We moved things around and we moved the wedding up, and we did all these things, but then we ended up miscarrying at eight weeks.

Winter 7:32
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

Lori Ann 7:34
I mean, we never found out why, or what happened or anything like that. I really feel like at that stage of our life, I had no idea. Anything about pregnancy. Like how difficult it would be to get pregnant. Or, honestly, how being able to get pregnant and carry a child is a miracle to me really. I know it happens all the time. I don’t know, it’s just not as easy as I feel like some people make it seem, at least for us.

Winter 8:23
Yeah, I completely agree with you on that. It is a miracle when babies get here safely.

Lori Ann 8:28
Yeah, it really is. I feel like when we had our loss, that was very hard for us. We kept our wedding moved up, because we needed something positive. So we decided instead of doing the April wedding, like we moved our wedding to November, and we kept it there. I’m glad we did because, you know, we just got married faster. Then it was fun. We saw all our family and everything like that. So that happened.

Winter 9:10
Actually, Lori Ann, I can ask you a question?

Lori Ann 9:12
Yeah.

Winter 9:12
Did people know that you guys were pregnant? Or did you kind of hold on to that for just a little bit and just started rearranging your wedding date?

Lori Ann 9:20
Because of the timing that had happened? I found out pretty early. When I went to my OB I was four weeks when I found out I was pregnant the first time. That’s when I was like, oh my gosh, like we’re gonna have to tell people because we’re gonna have to move the wedding like we can’t-

Winter 9:45
Yeah.

Lori Ann 9:46
We already booked the place and had our date and everything. So it never really crossed my mind that something would go wrong. Again, where that’s where I feel like we just really had no idea.

Winter 10:05
Yeah.

Lori Ann 10:06
You think you get pregnant and it’s like, oh, we’re gonna have a baby-

Winter 10:11
-everything’s gonna be fine.

Lori Ann 10:12
Yeah. So we did tell our family because we had to move our wedding up. So everybody already knew why we had to move the date.

Winter 10:26
Okay.

Lori Ann 10:26
So yes, everybody knew. Then everybody knew obviously that we had lost the baby. So, yeah, everybody. I mean, I’m pretty open with my family. So they pretty much know everything.

Winter 10:45
Did you feel like they were supportive? At that time when you guys had your first loss?

Lori Ann 10:50
Well, it’s kind of funny when we were on vacation with my family when we told them, and I can remember my dad kind of got a little mad. I don’t think that he was mad, but I think he was like, Why couldn’t you guys just wait till you’re married type of thing. He got over that within 20 minutes. Then he was like, I’m gonna be a grandpa. Then he was happy.

Winter 11:21
Yeah.

Lori Ann 11:21
My mom was ecstatic. My brother and my sister were ecstatic. Everybody was very happy for us. I feel like that loss I heard a lot. Oh, it happens to a lot of women, or it happens in the early stages. Things that people normally say that think that they’re trying to help.

Winter 11:53
Yeah,

Lori Ann 11:55
I mean, everybody was very supportive and understanding. My mom actually bought us little angel wings on our wedding day. I had my angel wings tucked in my wedding dress. Then Matt had his angel wings tucked in his suit pocket.

Winter 12:21
Nice.

Lori Ann 12:21
So, you know, that was like, our little remembrance for our baby that we lost.

Winter 12:27
Yeah.

Lori Ann 12:29
After that, though we were like, let’s just try again.

Winter 12:35
Okay, so you guys were just like, let’s do it. Let’s-

Lori Ann 12:37
-Yeah, we’re like, we know we want to have a kid, let’s try again. We tried for a year, but nothing happened. I always had issues and it just wasn’t happening. After a year or two, we were like, okay, maybe we should, you know, talk to the doctor and see if something’s wrong. I don’t think it should take two years for us to get pregnant again.

Winter 13:13
Yeah.

Lori Ann 13:15
So, I went to my OB and then we ran the regular tests and everything. Then Matt had to have a test and we found out that we both have issues. So with both the issues that we had, we were batting like 1% chance of us getting pregnant on our own.

Winter 13:39
Okay.

Lori Ann 13:41
They said that it was shocking that we did get pregnant on our own the first time.

Winter 13:47
Oh, okay.

Lori Ann 13:48
Yeah. So we were then referred to a fertility doctor. So we started seeing a fertility doctor. They decided, well, no, my insurance decided. Because you know how that goes?

Winter 14:07
Yeah.

Lori Ann 14:08
Insurance decided that we would have to do like three rounds of insemination. Then if that didn’t work, then we could go to IVF.

Winter 14:18
Okay.

Lori Ann 14:19
My doctors were thinking that IVF was going to be our best shot, and that insemination wouldn’t be your best shot. But we had to do the three rounds before insurance would cover the IVF

Winter 14:36
I see.

Lori Ann 14:39
I have always been very open about our journey starting at that point. By then we’d been married for a couple years. People are always like, “Where’s the baby?” Like, “When are you gonna have a baby?” Like, “What are you waiting for?” Then I would get so angry, almost like, I wouldn’t know what to say sometimes I would just be like it’s not always easy. Like, we’re struggling, okay. Like, it’s not like we’re trying.

Winter 15:16
Yeah. Yeah. Yes, it is, oh, you always feel a little like, gosh, you are probing into our very into our reproductive life really a lot by asking that question.

Lori Ann 15:29
Yeah. It’s not even that it’s just, I don’t know, again, I feel like I’ve learned going through this journey that it’s not necessarily the best question to ask couples sometimes.

Winter 15:44
Yes.

Lori Ann 15:45
Especially to just blurt out, like, “What are you doing? Like, “Why aren’t you having kids?” I get it, people want to know when it’s fine. But I was like, I’m done. I’m not gonna pretend like everything’s okay. I don’t want to have to be ashamed of myself because of not being able to be pregnant yet. I want people to understand that it’s not always going to be, let’s do it. Then we’re gonna get pregnant.

Lori Ann 16:24
So that’s when I started to be pretty open on social media, about our journey. I started sharing our journey with all of our friends and family online. I pretty much shared every step of the way with each insemination that we went through.

Lori Ann 16:48
The first one, it didn’t work. Then we just went right into our second one. That one didn’t work. The doctors were not optimistic about the third one working. So when we did our third one, I was like, okay, then after this, we can move to IVF. I was like, so let’s get started now. So then, because you always have that two week wait. You have the insemination. Then you have to wait two weeks to find out if it’s negative or positive.

Winter 17:29
Then you can start all the medications and everything.

Lori Ann 17:33
Yeah, but I wanted to be prepared right after that. That whole two week time I was sad to say I wasn’t really optimistic about it. I was more focused on IVF. They gave us all the paperwork, I had already picked up some of the meds. I had my schedule with the doctors.

Lori Ann 18:04
Then I can remember three days before or something like that. Before I had my beta day where they check your hormone levels. I didn’t feel right. I kept having this weird twinge in my stomach. I don’t know, signs that could be your period, or it could be you’re pregnant because they’re all the same sign.

Lori Ann 18:33
Right?

Lori Ann 18:36
Then I did, I ended up taking a test and it had two lines. And I was like, this can’t be real. Like, wait a second. I went up to Matt and I smacked him. I was like, Do you see this? It has two lines! Then he’s like, okay, so this is good? I’m like do you see this? It was a complete shock moment.

Winter 19:11
Right?

Lori Ann 19:13
It’s faulty. Give me another one. I literally took like, three.

Winter 19:22
Like I gotta make sure.

Lori Ann 19:26
Exactly. So I actually called the doctor. I’m like, I know you tell us not to take it early, but I took the test. She’s like, “Okay, well, let’s just wait two days. You have your blood work tests.” So, two days. Alright, so I took like, you know, 20 more pregnancy tests in between. How do you not?

Winter 19:55
Yeah, exactly.

Lori Ann 20:00
The line did get darker every day after that. So we did go in for my blood work. Then when you have your bloodwork done, the fertility clinic has until 7pm to call you back, right? You get your blood work drawn at 6am. And they literally have up to 7pm to call you back with the result. So we’re sitting at home. It’s like, one o’clock comes, three o’clock comes. Like, don’t you think this is something that they would want to call us and tell us now? Why are they-

Winter 20:45
Making us wait?

Lori Ann 20:46
Yeah, so finally we got the call. The nurse that we spoke to is like, congratulations, you’re pregnant. I was like, What? And she’s like, you’re pregnant. And I was like-

Winter 21:03
You’re still in shock about it?

Lori Ann 21:05
Yeah. I was like, Okay, thanks. She’s like, Well, congratulations. And I’m like, Okay, thanks. Then we hung up and Matt of course, standing there, looked at me. I can just remember, like, I was frozen. I was like, we’re pregnant. He’s like, well, why do you look like that? I’m like, I mean, this is what we’ve wanted all along. Now what do we do? Like, you know, it had taken so long to get that. That pregnant positive, and I was like, I didn’t prepare for when it actually did happen.

Winter 21:51
Isn’t that funny?

Lori Ann 21:57
So now what? It did take me a few minutes to soak it in.

Winter 22:04
Yeah.

Lori Ann 22:05
Then like, he’s like, Okay, well, are you gonna call your mom and dad? And I was like, yeah. So i called my mom and dad and they were waiting for me to call them. They knew we are getting the results.

Winter 22:19
Okay.

Lori Ann 22:20
So when my mom picked up, I actually started crying. To the point where I couldn’t talk crying. Later, my mom told me, she’s like, I literally was thinking in my head, like, how am I going to comfort her? She thought I was crying because I had bad news.

Winter 22:46
Oh, yeah.

Lori Ann 22:48
So I was like, we’re pregnant. She’s like, oh, my God and my dad’s in the background, like, yay! They were screaming they were so excited. Both of my parents are so amazing. They’re going to be the best grandparents in the entire world. They are just so excited to be grandparents.

Winter 23:18
Yeah.

Lori Ann 23:21
I was super excited. Then I was like, okay, chill out, everybody. It’s early. Because then I have in my head we had an early miscarriage the last time.

Winter 23:36
Right.

Lori Ann 23:37
So of course, that fear took over. But obviously, we are excited at the same time. Like, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Doesn’t matter that we have IVF meds in the fridge that we spent money on. Yes, we were going to need it, but now we don’t. But that’s okay, because we’re pregnant.

Lori Ann 24:02
When you see a fertility doctor, they see you until like, eight or nine weeks. They see you very regularly. So when you first find out that you’re pregnant, it’s like super early. They make you wait like a week or two I forget before your first ultrasound. Then that first ultrasound is really they just want to start to see like the sack growing

Winter 24:35
Right.

Lori Ann 24:36
Then the next one after that would be the heartbeat. The one after that it’s like you graduate. The first time we went, my doctor wasn’t too pleased. She said that they should be able to see the fetal pole or whatever starting to grow. She wasn’t sure if it was going to make it. That was very, very hard to like, hear. It’s just, you know, you think the two week wait is hard. But I felt like it was even harder to wait for a time like that when you’d like to hear the heartbeat for the first time.

Winter 25:29
Right.

Lori Ann 25:30
Sometimes I think it’s like, they check you too often with fertility doctors, because a normal person wouldn’t really go see the OB until, I don’t even know, like eight, nine week.

Winter 25:46
Yeah, it’s a bit later.

Lori Ann 25:48
Yeah. Don’t they tell you to like, wait a little bit?

Winter 25:52
Yeah. They do.

Lori Ann 25:48
So I can remember, we did finally get to hear the heartbeat. We both cried during that ultrasound, including Matt. That was a good positive step. Then I can remember the day we were supposed to go to graduate. Like graduating to go to your OB. I had woken up and I had some bleeding. It was at eight weeks. I woke up and was supposed to be going to the fertility doctor to graduate. I woke up and that was happening. I literally was just like it’s done. It’s over. That our drive to that fertility doctor, I just bawled my eyes out, like, so scared.

Lori Ann 26:10
So was it quite a bit of bleeding? Or was it spotting?

Lori Ann 27:03
No, it was a decent amount and that’s why I was like, this is it. You know what I mean? That was just like my first thought, like, eight weeks. This is when we lost our first baby. This is just like how it is. I can remember going to the fertility clinic. The vibe is very somber, and very heavy. When you go to a place like that. I was just sitting in the waiting room crying, there was no holding it back anymore. It was very hard to wait the 20 minutes or whatever they made me wait before I could go in to see the doctor.

Lori Ann 27:55
But we got in there. The doctor asked me what’s going on? I told her and through tears by the way, I’m still crying. So they’re like, all right, like, let’s take a look and see what’s going on. So they do the ultrasound, and then all of the sudden I can just remember the first thing they do is check for the heartbeat. She turned it up really loud. He had a strong heartbeat like it was just beautiful. To be able to finally be like he’s still there. We didn’t know what it was here. But I was like, the baby is still there. They’re so tiny at that stage that I think even in one of the pictures they look like little gummy bears kind of like getting that to the stage.

Winter 29:04
Yeah.

Winter 29:04
That’s one of my favorite pictures, like ultrasound pictures. Because he literally looks like a gummy bear. Even at that little stage he was wiggling around and it was just so special. I was so glad that I had that. Like got to see. Especially so early on and I’m like, Is that that is the baby moving? She’s like, yeah, like he’s like dancing around right now. Like, so awesome. I’m like that’s inside me. She’s like, yeah. How is that possible? I guess I had like, I don’t know what it’s called. I got like a clot or-

Winter 30:09
Hemorrhage or something? Okay.

Lori Ann 30:11
Yeah and they saw it in the ultrasound.

Winter 30:15
Okay.

Lori Ann 30:16
They said it was small and that it should resolve on its own.

Winter 30:21
Okay.

Lori Ann 30:23
Which it did. I only like bled for another day. Then I was okay after that I didn’t bleed anymore. So I felt much better.

Winter 30:33
Yeah. Was Matt at that appointment with you?

Lori Ann 30:38
Yes.

Winter 30:39
Okay.

Lori Ann 30:39
He was.

Winter 30:41
I’m sure he was relieved too.

Lori Ann 30:44
Yes, he was crying.

Winter 30:46
Okay.

Lori Ann 30:48
Um, I feel like Matt has, every ultrasound has been very hard. Because when we found out that we had the miscarriage, we went to the hospital to get bloodwork or the ultrasound done. And the techs can’t tell you anything, right?

Winter 31:08
Yep, they’re not supposed to

Lori Ann 31:10
No they’re not supposed to. So this tech turned with, like, we had the screen facing us. I had heard the heartbeat the week before, but Matt didn’t. This is for the first baby. All of a sudden, the tech kind of turned the screen, right. We can’t really see anything anymore now on the screen. Matt just remembers her writing, like NFR. He googled it and it’s no fetal, or whatever this thing was. It’s no fetal heart rate, or whatever the term was. He saw her type that in, but she didn’t, she couldn’t tell us that.-

Winter 32:02
Yeah.

Lori Ann 32:02
That happened. So ultrasounds now just petrify him. Because that’s what he remembers. So he, every ultrasound, he literally would hold his breath. Then every time as soon as we could hear the sound, he’d be like, visibly and very loudly let out-

Winter 32:32
A huge sigh of relief, right?

Lori Ann 32:34
Yes. So, yeah, so we graduated that day, they let us go to our obgyn. So then our 12 week appointment, everything was fine. They were telling us we had to wait until 20 weeks to find out the gender. I, of course, was too impatient to do that. So I did like a private scan or whatever for the gender reveal. That was really special because you know you’re with them for like an hour. They do like 3-D photos. They have just all the video I mean, we even got his heartbeat but- I am obsessed with turtles and we got his heartbeat put into a stuffed animal turtle. It was amazing. Because again you see this little body moving around and I couldn’t really feel him yet at that point. But that is when we found out that he was a boy. And-

Winter 33:59
How early was that?

Lori Ann 34:01
16 weeks.

Winter 34:02
16 Okay.

Lori Ann 34:03
Yeah, cause they won’t. At least this place wouldn’t see us until we were 16 weeks to do the gender reveal part of it.

Winter 34:13
Yeah.

Lori Ann 34:14
Um, so we found out the gen- like my husband and I found out he was a boy. Then I was like, Alright, we have to surprise my parents. So I didn’t tell my parents when we were going to find out the gender. My brother’s girlfriend at the time I told her and she got the pinata and filled it all with blue stuff and confetti and everything.

Lori Ann 34:51
Then it was actually on New Year’s Eve that we got to like, we’ve had My parents hit the pinata. My brother and my sister were there to find out the gender. My dad broke it. And all the blue fell out. He just was like, oh boy, I’m gonna have a grandson. So my dad was so thrilled, and so is my mom.

Lori Ann 35:38
For the rest of the night, I’m not even kidding you. Like, all I heard all night. My dad just kept rewatching the video. It was so sweet though. I’m like, really dad, again. He’s like, this is my grandson. This is my grandson. Don’t you touch that food or don’t you eat!

Winter 36:03
That is so sweet.

Lori Ann 36:05
Yeah, he was super excited. I had always known if I had a boy, I just always knew Owen was going to be his name. Matt didn’t really have a choice. In that sense.

Winter 36:24
Sorry, Matt.

Lori Ann 36:25
Yeah, sorry. But Owen has just- I don’t know why I just always loved that name. Obviously, his name is gonna be Owen. Matt and I had talked before that, that we were going to ask my dad if it would be okay, if we used his name as his middle name. I asked him and his eyes filled with tears because he was so honored that we would want our son’s middle name to be David. He just kept saying “Are you sure?” Like, yeah. Why? We wouldn’t be asking you if we weren’t sure.

Winter 37:28
Oh, that’s so sweet.

Lori Ann 37:29
Oh, of course he was beyond thrilled about that. I really had it. I don’t think I really had a difficult pregnancy. I mean, I was sick for maybe about a week. But that was pretty much it. I feel like I had the weirdest craving for ice water. Oh, yeah, it just sounded good. It just had to be extremely cold ice water. I’ve never heard that one before, honestly. I kept making a big deal about it. I bought all these ice cube trays. Matt became a pro at filling these ice cube trays and having them all set and ready because I would drink so much of it. He figured out a system to always make sure I had enough ice in the freezer, so I would never run out.

Winter 38:43
That’s a good husband right there.

Lori Ann 38:44
Oh, yes, he definitely was.

Lori Ann 38:48
But because I said to my husband, I’m not craving food. I don’t have a food craving. He goes “You’re craving ice water. You don’t know how many times a day you ask for ice water. That seems to be your craving.”

Winter 39:09
Oh, that’s funny. You didn’t even notice it?

Lori Ann 39:11
I did. Well, because I thought it would be food.

Winter 39:15
Yeah, exactly.

Lori Ann 39:23
I started to feel some movement around 17-18 weeks. It’s so little at that point. I never made it that far in a pregnancy.

Winter 39:38
Yeah, so you’re unsure what it’s supposed to be like?

Lori Ann 39:41
Yeah. Like is that gas or is that I don’t know. Maybe? I’m just gonna go with yeah, it was him.

Winter 39:52
Yeah, exactly.

Lori Ann 39:54
Then we had our anatomy scan which was at 20 weeks, and we have the same tech as we had for our 12 week scan. She was great because she walked us through everything as she was doing it. I liked that.

Winter 40:19
Yeah, I love that too.

Lori Ann 40:20
Yeah. Everything was perfect. He was measuring perfect. We got pictures of his little feet. His hand, at one point, looked like he was, kind of waving. He always did this thing where he had his hand over his head. Because she’d be like, well, I can’t get a profile picture right now. Because again, he’s got his hand over his head.

Winter 40:56
He’s thinking about stuff.

Lori Ann 40:57
Yeah. But that was cool to see 3D photos then, because we had seen 3D photos at the 16 weeks, and now it was 20 weeks. It’s amazing how quick they grow. I think he weighed about a pound or so at my 20 week. Gee, you know, they check the heart. They like everything. It was just so fascinating. To watch all of it. I was definitely feeling him a lot more at that time. So that was fun too. He would kick the wand thing or whatever.

Winter 41:53
Yeah.

Lori Ann 41:55
But when they check your cervix at that point. So she said she was having trouble seeing my cervix or something. So she said I’m just gonna go get the doctor. As soon as she walked out of the room I looked at Matt and I was like something’s wrong. I was like they’ve never gotten the doctor before. You know what I mean?

Winter 42:31
Yeah, they usually just go sign off the scans or whatever, right?

Lori Ann 42:35
Yeah. So I’m already crying at that point, of course, and the doctor came in, and they had to do another scan. Then they had to do an internal scan. This doctor was pushing on my stomach, so hard it was so painful. To try and get a better view of my cervix. He wasn’t answering any questions, he just kept telling us I’ll answer your questions. We know something’s wrong at this point.

Winter 42:35
Yeah.

Lori Ann 42:54
We get through that. Then he brings up the pictures, because yeah, it’s usually the screen was in front of us, for us to see. He’s well, this is your cervix and it’s measuring short. Then he’s like, “Can you see this line? It should be completely closed, but you have just slightly opening.” I literally at that point was just “Well, what does that mean?” What has happened? What’s happening?

Lori Ann 44:03
He said, “Well get dressed, we’re gonna go into our office.” So, of course I’m bawling my eyes out at that point, petrified of what he was going to say. When we spoke with him, he said that it can happen to women where their cervix might start opening too soon.

Lori Ann 44:34
There’s studies that progesterone could help it. So he said that he would want me to start taking the progesterone. He said that he has seen people have this then they go full term and they’re completely fine. Then there’s the people who they might have to put a stitch in to keep your cervix shut. All these scary other options that he shared, and he’s just do the progesterone for a week and then come back.

Lori Ann 45:15
That’s what we did, I did the progesterone for a week. Then when I went back after that my cervix had started to open more. So, at this point, they again said, you don’t have to do anything, you could just see how it goes. But it’s not good that it had started to open more in just a week, even, with the progesterone to try and help it. Or they could put a stitch in, it’s called a cerclage where they can sew it shut.

Lori Ann 46:00
They said that 80% of women or whatever the percentage was, get the stitch, and then they make it full term, and everything is fine. So I said let’s just do it. I didn’t want to take the chance that you know, something could go wrong, and my water could break, or he could come too soon, and whatnot.

Lori Ann 46:34
So I did that at 21 weeks. I was going out of work because my job is very physical. So my doctors wanted me not on bed rest, but I couldn’t be bending down and picking up kids. That kind of stuff. So they told me they wanted me to be out of work until I turned 28 weeks or something like that. As long as everything looked okay, I could return back to work. So that’s what I did right after the stitch was put in. It was literally February 1 when I had the stitch put in.

Lori Ann 47:26
Then I think it might have been February 5 or so. I was at home. My brother had just visited me. I was going to bed, I laid down and I was like, oh, I don’t know, I just had the weird feeling. Like I just peed myself. I hear sometimes when you’re pregnant you might pee yourself.

Winter 47:56
Sometimes it happens.

Lori Ann 48:02
Yeah, I don’t know what’s normal or not. So I got up and I went to the bathroom. Something wasn’t right. I felt you know what I mean? When something is not right. Honestly, I just decided okay maybe I just peed myself and I cleaned up. Then I went back to bed and I went to lay down. As soon as I went to go lay down again. More came out.

Lori Ann 48:43
I went to the bathroom again. I sat there for probably five minutes. I was just sitting there and I’m just like, this can’t be my water. This can’t be my water. This can’t be my water. No, this can’t be it. I was almost in denial for a little bit. Then I just kind of felt a little more. Slowly coming out.

Lori Ann 49:21
I went into panic mode, and I feel like it’s a blur after that. I’m pretty sure I probably screamed at Matt. I was like something’s really wrong. My water just broke. My waters had just broke. He’s like, “What are you talking about?” Explaining it to him. “We need to go to the hospital. We need to go to the hospital right now. This second.” Matt’s running around like a mad man. Trying to get things together. I just remember standing there, I couldn’t move. I felt paralyzed. It was so scary.

Lori Ann 50:16
I can just remember saying, “This can’t be happening. This isn’t what it is, it was just horrible.” Of course, the hospitals an hour away. So I don’t even know what Matt grabbed, I don’t even think I grabbed anything. I think I barely even got myself in the car. I don’t even know how I did that. But I got to the car. Again, I cried the entire way to the hospital. We were silent. I don’t even think we had the radio on. Matt kept looking at me. But I don’t think we knew what to say to each other. In that moment, because we were so scared of what was happening. I just, it was the longest hour to get there.

Lori Ann 51:20
I had called my OB and the hospital knew we were coming so they were ready for when we got there. They got us into the room. They put the monitor on and they found his heartbeat pretty quickly. So of course that is a relief right there. Okay, he’s alive.

Lori Ann 51:48
It took forever because it was so late at night for one of the doctors to come in and they did a swab. If it turns blue, then that means it’s your fluid, your amniotic fluid. I can just remember her looking at me, and she was just , I’m so sorry, but your water has broken, this is your water.

Lori Ann 52:23
I said a couple of curse words actually. Matt said that all I did was put my hands over my head. I just kept saying the F word over and over and over. I didn’t know what to say. Why? How? Why? Why is this happening? I just had the stitch put on it. Why is this happening?

Lori Ann 53:01
It was too late for- There was no doctor, I guess they’re to talk to us. So they moved us to the labor and delivery section. They explained that two things could happen. They needed to monitor me for an infection. They needed to keep a contraction monitor on. They said to me let us know, if you start to feel contractions. I was like, I don’t know what contractions feel like.

Lori Ann 53:50
I’ve never done this, I don’t know. All anybody ever kept saying was you’ll know. It was just very, I don’t even think we slept that night. It was just because at that point, they didn’t even do an ultrasound. They monitored his heartbeat. They kept the contraction monitor on my stomach. Which one of the nurses came in and they were like, why is your contraction monitor there? I’m like, I don’t know, they’re like, you’re so it needs to be lower because of how far along we were. She made a comment that all the other nurses probably just doesn’t know because this doesn’t usually happen. I’m like,Yeah, I know Okay, this doesn’t normally happen.

Lori Ann 55:00
My parents actually showed up in the middle of the night to the hospital with us. They spent some time with us. We have two dogs, so Matt had to go home to take care of the dogs. Then we realized that the dogs would probably stay with my parents, because we knew we were going to be in the hospital for a little while.

Lori Ann 55:32
We had many tough conversations with so many doctors. Maternal Fetal Medicine, NICU doctors, the OB. It was so overwhelming the amount of information that they gave us. When they did eventually do an ultrasound he had no fluid. There’s just nothing left, really.

Lori Ann 56:07
Oh course, they have to tell you all the scary parts. 21 weeks is not viable for a pregnancy. So they gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy, they told us, we could let mother nature take its course. Those were really two only options, either terminate or wait and see.

Lori Ann 56:43
When the NICU doctor came, I felt like that was the hardest part. Because I just wanted to know if he was in pain. He doesn’t have fluid. What does this mean? They just explained that they need the fluid in order to breathe. They need to be able to drink it, to then be able to let it out. It rotates. When a baby doesn’t have fluid to do that, then issues with the lungs develop or if it’s so tight, they could have clubfoot or, there could be deformities. Because if he’s in one position and can’t move around. All these things, but his heartbeat was strong.

Lori Ann 57:56
When we were there that had been the most I had ever felt him move. Matt and I were like, We can’t end this. I feel him. I’m feeling him inside of me. I can’t let go. I can’t just be sure, let’s just end right now.

Lori Ann 58:28
The doctors even said to us, they were like, if you were one week ahead, we would be like, hang in there. If you were one week before this, we would be like, there’s no hope like you need to end it. But because we were 21 weeks in that weird spot. They were like it could go either way. So there’s no right or wrong answer.

Lori Ann 58:59
As long as he’s not in pain and he’s not in distress we want to let nature take its course. To us, we had to do everything we possibly could in order to try and save him and keep him with us.

Lori Ann 59:25
So we were in the hospital for four days at that point. They were looking for infection and then they were looking for if I would be good to go into labor. I wasn’t going to start dilating because I had the stitch. So we stayed and we made it those four days because they say after those four days, if you made it that far you’re more likely to go at least another week before. They wouldn’t keep us there or see us again until 24 weeks.

Lori Ann 1:00:17
So they were like, go home and wait. They want me to take my temperature twice a day to make sure I didn’t have a fever. If I started to have contractions, if I started bleeding, or you know what I mean? I just had to watch out for all those things. So my parents only live 20 minutes from the hospital, as opposed to an hour for us. So to us, it made sense. To stay with my parents for that time being just in case. Then we would be closer to the hospital. That’s what we did.

Lori Ann 1:01:08
My sister gave up her room. So I had a bed, and I didn’t have to sleep on the couch. My sister and I slept in the same bed the first night. Then she’s like, I can’t sleep with you. I was like, What do you mean, you can’t sleep? I didn’t take up too much room.

Lori Ann 1:01:30
What are you talking about, we always share the bed. She’s like, it kind of made me sad, because she said I was scared that I’m going to hurt you. In the middle of the night. She moved her arm or she kicked me. She was scared that she was going to hurt, oh, or something. So she slept on the couch for the amount of time I was at my parents house.

Lori Ann 1:02:12
In between this time Matt struggled with going to work because he just wanted– he didn’t want to miss a second. He always takes care of me in any situation. He literally is the best husband in the entire world. It doesn’t matter what it is. But he was so on top of everything because they didn’t want me walking around too much.

Lori Ann 1:02:45
He was working nights at that time. So he tried working for a little while working nights and then coming home and taking care of me. But I was like, you can’t do that, you have to go to bed. Go to sleep. You have to. He was really struggling. So we looked into it and he applied for the Family Leave Act or whatever it is if you have to take care of somebody. So he applied for that.

Lori Ann 1:03:25
He kind of stopped going to work. He was just starting to make a name for himself at this company that he was with. He loved it. That was his dream job. He was finally moving up and meeting all these people that were the higher ups. At first I was mad. I was like go to work you have to do this, but then I was beyond thankful that he stayed with me because I needed him to ground me almost. I was petrified of every move, you know it was just a blessing.

Lori Ann 1:04:21
I got to have more time with Owen. At those stages I was feeling him a lot more. I learned that he loved avocados because every time I would eat an avocado and he would dance around or whatever. So I mean, I guess he could have hated that too but–

Winter 1:04:49
-He liked avocados.

Lori Ann 1:04:50
I’m gonna go if he likes it. But there was one night too that Matt and I were laying in bed. Then I was like, Oh, he’s moving around a lot. That was one of the first times that Matt was able to feel him give a little kick. We both cried because we’ve waited for that moment for years. It was just so hard to comprehend. l just kept thinking we’ve gone through so much to get to this point. Why is it becoming so difficult to go through it?

Lori Ann 1:05:49
As soon as we got to 23 weeks, and four days, I think it was the high risk doctor was like, “Hey, kid, you made it this far. This is a miracle alone as you’ve done this.” So they put me at the hospital. We knew walking in that that was going to be our home until Owen was born. So in our heads, we were, this is going to be home, we need to pretend we want to be here for a while. Obviously, nobody wants to be in a hospital for a while. But we wanted to be there for a while.

Lori Ann 1:06:43
My friends and family were so amazing. They all sent cards, and I can’t even tell you how many coloring books I got. We pretty much decorated the whole room the nurses would walk in and be like, is this your house? Yeah, you know we wanted to make it feel homey. I had my own pillow. We made it as homey as possible.

Lori Ann 1:07:17
Just because we wanted to keep it positive. We were trying to be as positive as possible at that point. A lot of the doctors were shocked that we even made it from 21 weeks of my water breaking to 24 weeks. So every day after that was a blessing because it doesn’t usually happen that way.

Winter 1:07:46
You knew that? Did you guys know that you were going to be admitted into the hospital? If you made it to 24 weeks and just monitor you and maybe even if needed they would induce? What was the plan from there?

Lori Ann 1:08:03
Us signing ourselves into the hospital at 24 weeks was us saying to the doctors that we want to take every life saving measure possible to save Owen. That meant I was not going to be able to do a natural delivery. I would have to have a C-section no matter what. Because if I started having contractions I wouldn’t have time to go through labor. He would have to come out quick if we wanted to save him.

Lori Ann 1:08:47
If I got an infection, then it would be an emergency C-section and they would take him out as quick as possible. They would perform life saving measures to try and save him at that point. So that’s what we were signing up for when we went back in at 24 weeks.

Lori Ann 1:09:10
There were more options, they still said that we could terminate at any point. Some people just waited at home until something happened. But at the hospital, they gave me steroid shots. They had me on really high doses of antibiotics. They monitored Owen twice a day for at least an hour. To make sure his heart rate was okay and that he wasn’t in any distress. The only time that I wouldn’t have a say about anything would be if I had an infection and if he was showing any signs of distress. That would be the time when they would have to take him out.

Lori Ann 1:10:08
So for the first couple days, I couldn’t even leave my room. I couldn’t leave the bed. Couldn’t, they didn’t want me to move at all. The first week has been spent being in the same room in the same bed for so long you go crazy. There’s only so much you can do. Then you just overthink. I did a lot of coloring. That is definitely for sure.

Lori Ann 1:10:48
My friends were amazing, because a lot of people came to visit me. All my co-workers came, my boss came and she visited me. My family came and they kept me busy. The people knew that I had two dogs, and I miss them terribly. So the liaison person made it a point that if there was ever a service dog in the hospital they made a special trip to come and see me.

Winter 1:11:28
That is awesome.

Lori Ann 1:11:29
Yeah it was very sweet. So gradually I graduated to being able to be wheeled around the maternity ward. I couldn’t leave the maternity ward, but I could be wheeled around that area. But that didn’t last very long. Because that’s a very hard place to be in, when you’re going through something like that. Because everybody has their babies and they’re all happy. It was really rough.

Lori Ann 1:12:13
So I spent a lot of time in one room for a while. But the doctors every day, we’re this is great, you’re doing great. He is a feisty one. Despite not having a lot of room. He’s doing those flips. He was running away from them every time they had to put the monitor on him. I can remember the one time the nurse, it took her 20 minutes to finally get them to stay in one spot. Then she walked out and I have it on video actually. He kicked it. It literally fell down my stomach.

Lori Ann 1:13:06
He hit it so hard.

Winter 1:13:08
That is awesome.

Lori Ann 1:13:10
The monitor just slid down my stomach. Yeah, so I mean, there were some good times. Matt got to see him. Sometimes if they’re in one spot your stomach will get hard in that one area. I can’t remember for the first couple of times, I was like, something’s wrong. Why is my stomach bigger on this side? It’s hard. The nurse was like, ah, nope, he’s just chilling up there right now. I mean, that was amusing and I’m just very glad that I got to feel those movements, you know,

Winter 1:14:04
Yeah.

Lori Ann 1:14:05
March 10th, I woke up and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t feel good. I knew I had a fever. You know, when you just have the aches and then I just really didn’t feel well. They came in and I was like, I don’t feel good, something is wrong. They had said that I had a fever. So they automatically hooked me up to the monitor for Owen.

Lori Ann 1:14:53
His heart rate was in the 180s and consistently in the 180, so that’s really high. It shouldn’t be like that. Normally, I would have felt him moving around a lot. I kept saying to them why I don’t feel him. They’re like, okay well, his heart rate. He’s alive. He’s in there. It happened so quickly I didn’t feel well, they noticed that his heart rate was too high. My ob came in and all I can remember is her saying, okay, Lori Ann it looks like today’s the day. It’s a good day to have a baby boy. Let’s get going. It seems like you have an infection. So, you know, he has to come out now.

Lori Ann 1:16:04
I was petrified. I couldn’t hold myself together anymore after that. In the C-section, they were going to allow Matt to come in, because I was going to be awake. As soon as I got into the OR, they had found out that they had just given me my heparin shot, I think it is for blood clots. They were like, you could bleed out, if we keep you awake. We decided that it would be a better option for me to be put out for the C-section.

Lori Ann 1:17:01
Honestly, I wouldn’t doubt it if they just said that because I was freaking out. I couldn’t calm down. I suffer from anxiety, normally. I was on a whole new level of freaking out. I just kept saying, but he’s only 26 weeks. He’s only 26 weeks and it just happened so quick.

Lori Ann 1:17:36
There’s a whole team of people rushing around you, and it was so overwhelming. The amount of people prepping you for a C-section. The doctors are telling me about knocking me out. Then they’re telling me Matt can’t come in. They actually let that in for a second. Just to wish me luck. Then he had to leave.

Lori Ann 1:18:21
It’s all a blur, but I was just petrified. I just remember, all of a sudden, I felt someone grab my hand. I was like, what? I looked over it. I guess it was a doula or something like that. I’m not 100% sure if that’s what she was. She just leaned in next to me, and was just like, Lori Ann you’re going to be okay, we’re going to take care of your baby. She was just so calm, and soothing. I wish I knew who she was, so I could thank her, you know what I mean? She totally helped me in that moment. Just holding my hand at that moment was something I needed.

Lori Ann 1:19:24
Then I was put out and then I woke up and in recovery. I felt so empty. I didn’t feel right. Just the day before I was feeling him and then he’s not there anymore. You know you think you have so much more time. My oxygen levels kept getting messed up. So I had to be in recovery for a little bit longer.

Lori Ann 1:20:20
Matt came down and he showed me a picture of Owen. But, you know, he told me, he came out and he wasn’t breathing. So they did have to intubate. So they did that. They intubated him, and that– I’m sorry, this is where I’m gonna get a little emotional. But Matt said, he opened his eyes. It was looking at him. You don’t realize how tiny a two pound baby is.

Lori Ann 1:21:12
Matt’s like, I’ve never felt so much love. In that moment, I was like when am I gonna see? You know I just wanted to see him. Obviously, I was very glad that Matt was able to, you know, show me some pictures. He had said that, the doctor said that he was doing the best he could it that moment, that, you know, he needed full support to breathe, but everything else was stable, that he was doing well. So that was a breath of fresh air.

Lori Ann 1:22:03
We already knew that it was going to be a long road, after he was born. The doctors weren’t going to be able to tell us how developed his lungs were until after he was born. So after Matt showed me the pictures he’s like, “Do you care if I go back?” I was like, I want you to go back and go be with him. I’m fine. My mom was there.

Lori Ann 1:22:40
My mom sat with me. So, Matt got to go back upstairs and spend some time with him. I finally got back to my room, which they still do in the labor and delivery section. Of course, even though they put that leaf or whatever on the door with the tear drop.

Winter 1:23:06
Yeah.

Lori Ann 1:23:09
I saw I was there. Then they had told me that it wasn’t gonna be until later that night because he was born at 12:06pm. So they said that I wasn’t going to be able to see him until at least later that night, because I had to relax and recoup from the C-section. My oxygen was still a little off.

Lori Ann 1:23:43
They had brought in a breast pump because I did say that I wanted to breastfeed. So they wanted me to start doing that right away. The nurses literally handed it to me. I’ve never used a breast pump before. She’s like, okay, here it is. I’m like no I need instructions. I have no idea what to do with that thing. So, she was explaining it to me. As she’s explaining it to me, I got a text from Matt.

Lori Ann 1:24:26
He said something, isn’t right? There’s a lot of doctors in here right now. There’s a lot of beeping. They’re hooked up to so many different things when they’re in the NICU. Okay. What’s wrong? He said something about his blood pressure kept dropping and his heart rate kept dropping, but they were giving him medicine for it.

Lori Ann 1:25:06
I’m not even gonna lie. When he sent that my thought was, okay, we knew this was gonna be a long road

Winter 1:25:17
Right.

Lori Ann 1:25:18
That was expected because we knew things could happen. Those things could go wrong. But it never crossed my mind that he would pass away. You know that feeling right? We made it, we made it to 26 weeks, he came out. He was doing so well. We’re gonna get through this, like, we did it. I just felt so sure. For some reason. I don’t know if it was just because I was like, this has to be okay. This just has to be okay.

Lori Ann 1:26:03
Matt eventually came back down to see me. We talked for a little while. Then Matt asked my dad to step outside. I found this out later, but apparently in the parking lot they were talking Matt’s like it’s not good. He said there are so many doctors in there, and they are trying everything that they can. But it’s not good. My dad was just like, okay let’s hope to wait and see.

Lori Ann 1:26:49
Matt didn’t tell me that yet. Because he didn’t– I mean, who knows, I probably would have ripped out everything possible and tried to get to him. I don’t know what I would have done, but Matt came back. He hung out with me because he said they were busy upstairs.

Lori Ann 1:27:09
Then all of a sudden the NICU doctor came in. He had five nurses with him or something. He said that we need to talk and asked if we wanted my parents in there or not. We asked my parents to step outside for the talk and they did. I knew when he came back down, why would he be there? You know what I mean. What would be the reason for him to be there at that point?

Lori Ann 1:27:58
The NICU doctor was amazing. He took my hand. He was so genuine and caring. He took my hands and explained what was happening about his heart rate, his breathing, low blood pressure and explained it all. I’m like, “So he’s dying?” The doctor was like, “Yes.” That is what he’s telling us because they tried every medicine possible to stabilize him I guess, but it just wasn’t working. They just came to the conclusion that his lungs just couldn’t develop enough at that stage.

Lori Ann 1:29:07
So he basically said, we want to get you upstairs now. So you could meet your son, and you can hold him and meet him before he passes away.

Lori Ann 1:29:26
So I’m like, “Let’s go.” It took all those nurses and doctors to try and get me up because I was probably deadweight to be completely honest. I was just like I didn’t know what to do. I was in so much pain from just having a C-section I shouldn’t have even been sitting up like that yet. I had to get from the bed to a wheelchair. They did it pretty quickly.

Lori Ann 1:30:12
I can remember going out of the room and because we had asked my parents to leave, and I looked to the left, where we came out of the room, and my parents were at the end of the hall. I could see the nurse holding them back a little bit because I was crying. They were rushing us upstairs. So that was very traumatizing for me to see my parents like that. But it’s definitely still something that I still struggle with daily, but we got up to the NICU.

Lori Ann 1:31:20
I heard them say give him a dose of fentanyl or whatever it was. I guess he wouldn’t be in any pain or anything. I guess that’s what helps them pass? You know what I mean? I don’t know, I guess that’s just that.

Lori Ann 1:31:44
Before they did that, we got to hold him. He opened his eyes, and was looking at us. Literally, the first thing I said to Matt was as I was holding him is he is perfect. That’s all I can say. He’s beautiful. He’s so perfect. It was just very hard.

Lori Ann 1:32:30
We are not religious at all, really. We had gotten into a couple of arguments, not arguments- discussions about if we should baptize him or not. We never came to a final conclusion. But when the NICU doctor asked us do you guys want to baptize him before he passes away? We were like, yes. We’re just like there’s no right or wrong answer at this point. If it’s gonna help him it’s gonna help him. If it’s not then it’s not. Just do it. At that point that’s kind of how we felt. So we’re like, Yes.

Lori Ann 1:33:31
I don’t know how, but the NICU doctor, I guess, is qualified to do that. He did it for us. So it’s not even that we had to wait for the priest or whatnot to come. So he did that. Then again, they eventually just took out his, he was intubated. So they just pulled out his tube. We just held him and told him how much we loved him.

Lori Ann 1:34:27
It’s so weird to think about it. At first I was so afraid to touch him. Because the NICU doctor at one point had told us that their skin can be so sensitive at such a young age. So I was afraid. He was wrapped in a blanket, so I was kind of rubbing the blanket a little bit. The doctor was like you could touch him, you’re not gonna hurt him. He’s your baby you can touch him. I was like, great. After that it was like, okay, like, I’m not gonna hurt so, you know, I got to basically just hold him until he passed away.

Lori Ann 1:35:24
I’m just so glad that he was able to– I’m sure babies at that age can’t see much. But you know what I mean? He had his eyes open. He was looking at us. I’m sure he knew our voices. All he felt right when he was passing was love, and so much love. I am definitely very grateful for that.

Lori Ann 1:35:59
The doctor did confirm, eventually that his heart had stopped. So it took Matt actually a little bit of time to hold him. He kept saying no he didn’t want to at first I was like, you need to hold your son. I know, it’s upsetting. I know it’s hard, but you need to do this. He’s so glad that I pushed him to hold him.

Lori Ann 1:36:40
It was just me and Matt for a little while. Then they asked if I wanted my parents to come up, because they were there. I said, Yes , let them come up and meet Owen. At that point he had passed, but they came upstairs and the look on my dad’s face. When he came in. My dad is not a crier at all. He was crying. It was just so hard to see them upset because obviously I knew how much they wanted to be grandparents. How much they loved him already and how much excitement they had for him and it was gone now. But they got to hold him and meet him. I am grateful for that and so are they. They are very glad that they got to spend some time with him and to see him.

Lori Ann 1:38:16
They let me wash him off. I got to change his diaper. I got to help– they were because you know, they do some photos and everything like that. So I was going to stay for the photos which I do feel we were in that room for a long time. But the timing is so blurry in the instance. I thought we weren’t there very long, but apparently we were there for hours.

Lori Ann 1:38:58
Then my I.V.’s we’re in the wrong place. So when my arms were bent I wasn’t getting my meds. You could tell I was starting to go pale and I was dizzy. They were like okay, I think it’s time for you to heal, you have to go rest now.

Lori Ann 1:39:30
That was really hard to have to leave him and I see the stories of how people got to spend a night or whatever it is with their children. I wish I could do something like that. I didn’t even know that was an option. Maybe the hospital I was at didn’t do that, or maybe they didn’t have a cuddle cot or something like that. Once we left then that was it. That was the last time that I got to see him. Obviously, no time is ever in a situation like that.

Lori Ann 1:40:26
I am grateful for the time that I did get with him. I just wish it was more, but I guess again, it’s probably never would have been enough. Whether it was 3 hours or 24 hours. I don’t think it would have ever been enough.

Lori Ann 1:40:54
I had to go back downstairs. That was pretty much it. That was the last time I saw him. I was at the hospital for two more days. Then they sent me home. The world was updated because of COVID all at the same exact time. That’s the whole thing.

Lori Ann 1:41:30
At first we were almost happy, not happy about COVID obviously, but happy in the sense that Matt and I were kind of left alone. We had that time to lean on each other, grieve together and heal together. Then at the same time I wish I could have had family there more often, but because of COVID and it was hard. Nobody knew anything really by that point about COVID so it was quarantined.

Winter 1:42:19
Yeah.

Lori Ann 1:42:20
Yeah. I mean, that’s pretty much what– we did have him cremated. I am very glad we did that. Now we have him with us every day. I have a necklace and his ashes are in it which is with me every day. I got a tattoo with his name and his footprints. I actually had a jeweler take his handprint and footprint. They literally took these are his actual size and outline of his hand and footprint.

Winter 1:43:18
Those are so sweet.

Lori Ann 1:43:19
Yeah. So I have those every day with me too.

Winter 1:43:26
Did you guys have a memorial service or anything? I know it was right in the height of the closed down because of COVID-19. So-

Lori Ann 1:43:35
I mean we did a little thing with our immediate family. Otherwise we couldn’t because of COVID there really wasn’t an option to do that. I mean, his first birthday was just on March 10. We did have a little get together with my family and my husband’s family. We had a little cake and everything like that. That was nice. That’s always nice. Yeah.

Lori Ann 1:44:19
Lori Ann thank you so much for telling Owen’s story. Is there anything else that you want to remember? Or that you’d like to share about that entire experience?

Lori Ann 1:44:31
I am just very grateful for the time that I did get with him, including when he was growing inside of me. That was a great experience. I am so grateful that I got to see him and hold him. So he felt the love and knew the love. I say he got to see us. He opened his eyes so like, I’m so glad that he got to see us. As he was passing that meant so much to me that I was able to do that.

Winter 1:45:12
Thank you so much Lori Ann, that was such a beautiful story and I’m glad you were able to share Owen with us today.

Lori Ann 1:45:19
Yes. Thank you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: birth story, early neonatal infant death (<7 days), infant death, podcast episode Tagged With: infant loss

Mom Bianca’s Stillbirth Story of Jalen During The COVID Pandemic at 20 Weeks

February 1, 2022 by Winter

Mom Bianca tells of her pregnancy with her 3rd child, Jalen Jeremiah, and complications with her cervix, which led her medical provider putting in a cerclage around 20 weeks. Some of the stitches had come out, causing Bianca a lot of pain and the beginning of labor. Jalen did not survive the birth and was stillborn on February 2021, likely due to the umbilical cord around his neck. Her pregnancy, Jalen’s birth, and funeral were all during the time of the COVID pandemic.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

  • 0:00 Jalen Jeremiah
  • 1:54 Introduction
  • 4:30 Pregnancy
  • 7:29 Cervix Funneling
  • 8:45 Cerclage
  • 11:16 Emergency
  • 15:27 ER
  • 21:28 Birth
  • 32:10 Funeral
  • 35:06 His name
  • 41:55 Going home
  • 44:27 Support group
  • 48:02 Momentums

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen Michael’s (Bianca’s husband) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Bianca’s and Michael’s advice episode after Jalen’s death: Click here

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  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.

Full Transcription:

Bianca  0:00  

Jalen Jeremiah. 

Bianca  0:02  

I remember, he was so perfect. He had a little tiny button nose, 10 toes, 10 fingers. I remember holding him in my arms and just smelling him. He was just so tiny and little. I felt his cheeks and it was so soft and velvety. That Sunday that I had him. I remember, it was a very cold day, and it looked like it was going to rain. I remember getting to the hospital, anxious, very anxious, not knowing the outcome of the situation and how bad everything had turned. But I just remember holding him and he was just so perfect. He was just like my son, just a tinier version of my son. He resembled Michael a lot. He had his exact feet, the same toes. He was just so little and just amazing.

Winter  1:13  

Welcome to Still  A Part of Us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn, or who died in infancy. I’m winter.

Lee  1:20  

And I’m Lee, we are grateful you joined us today. Please note that this is a story of loss and has triggers

Winter  1:25  

Thanks to our loss parents who are willing to be vulnerable

Lee  1:28  

and share their children with us. If you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.

Winter  1:37  

Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us. They’re still a part of us. 

Winter  1:54  

Bianca, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. I am just so impressed with you right now. Your strength and your willingness to share Jalen with us today. So thank you for coming on. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself, who you are, where you’re kind of located at least in the country and what you do on a day to day basis?

Bianca  2:16  

Yeah, so I am a medical claims analyst. I live in Massachusetts. I have two children. I have an 11 year old daughter Cynthia, and a six year old son named Josiah and they are wonderful children. They were looking very forward to being you know, big brother, big sister. We were just wanting to expand our family and grow and you know, become closer to one another.

Winter  2:47  

And anything you guys like to do in your spare time as a family, or as yourself, what kind of hobbies do you have?

Bianca  2:52  

I like gardening as a family, or we tend to go on road trips. We do a lot of road trips every year to go somewhere new. So we do that together. We enjoy watching movies together and just going out and enjoying each other’s company.

Winter  3:10  

That sounds so fun. That’s wonderful. And your husband is Michael is that right? 

Bianca  3:15  

Yes.

Winter  3:16  

How long have you guys been together? 

Bianca  3:18  

We’ve been together for 14 years. 

Winter  3:20  

That is awesome. 

Bianca  3:21  

We’ve been together since we were 14. 

Winter  3:25  

Yeah, that is awesome. So you guys were junior high school sweethearts.

Bianca  3:30  

Yeah pretty much. 

Winter  3:33  

That’s awesome. That’s wonderful. Well, and what area are you guys living in? Oh, did you guys already answer that? You guys probably answered that didn’t you?

Bianca  3:45  

Yeah, so we live in Massachusetts. Not too far from Boston.

Winter  3:49  

Awesome. Okay. And you guys have lived there in that area most of the time you’ve been together? 

Bianca  3:56  

Yes. We both grew up here. 

Winter  3:58  

Okay, wonderful. And so as to give a little bit of context for our listeners. Can you tell us how long ago Jalen was born?

Bianca  4:09  

So Jalen was born Monday, February 1 of 2021. So a little over a month ago.

Winter  4:15  

Yeah, it is so new for you guys. So I thank you so much for coming on today. Tell me… so you’ve told us you have two other kids and how did this particular pregnancy go compared to your other pregnancies that you’ve had?

Bianca  4:30  

This pregnancy was by far the best pregnancy I’ve ever had. 

Winter  4:36  

Really? 

Bianca  4:37  

Yes, I’ve had no complications at all. No morning sickness. It was just, like, amazing. With my other two children. It was very complicated. I was sick all the time. I want to say like all three trimesters. I was very sick. I couldn’t really keep anything down. But this pregnancy was just different. I was able to eat. I was so happy. It was amazing. Like, I really didn’t think this would be my outcome based on how amazing this pregnancy was to me. Yeah, he was a very good baby. I didn’t have any type of aversions, food aversions, anything like that.

Winter  5:24  

So really good pregnancy, oh man. Were you guys planning on having Jalen then? Was that like a planned pregnancy? 

Bianca  5:33  

Yes, he was. 

Winter  5:34  

Okay. So and No. Did you guys have any issues getting pregnant? Or was it pretty? standard?

Bianca  5:40  

Um, yeah. So we actually became pregnant after two months of trying. I was on birth control. Then we decided to come off. Two months after I came off, I got pregnant with him. We had a positive on September the 28th.

Winter  5:58  

Oh, wow. That’s awesome. So you, so no issues and it was kind of one of those things where it just kind of worked out right?

Bianca  6:06  

It did. Yes. 

Winter  6:07  

Yeah. That is, that’s so frustrating when you’re like, this is not what I was expecting it to be though. So, tell me a little bit about how things progressed then. You guys found out in September of 2020 that you were pregnant and everything was going really well with the pregnancy sounds like you were quite comfortable and excited. Your kids were excited. You guys were excited. So that’s wonderful. All of the medical checkups and everything, how did those go with it? Was there any sort of indication that anything was an issue?

Bianca  6:44  

No, so everything was fine. All my appointments were perfect. I have my appointments, my checkups, the baby was growing, and very healthy. Everything with me was fine. I was feeling good. It was up until my 20 week anatomy scan. Actually it was before my 20 week anatomy scan. So I ended up going to the hospital for a checkup the day after Christmas. They want to see me every two weeks because of my history with both my two previous pregnancies. My son was a preemie and he was born at 32 weeks. 

Winter  7:29  

Okay. 

Bianca  7:29  

And so they were concerned as to whether or not I would go into labor early this pregnancy. So they wanted to monitor that very closely ahead of time, so that they would be able to detect once my cervix started to dilate. So I was going in for my checkups every two weeks. I went on January 12th. For that was the beginning of that two week period, they wanted me to start going.

When I went to that appointment, they did a cervical scan, basically to see if my cervix started to dilate at all. And they checked the baby and he was fine growing healthy. At that appointment, everything was fine. When I was there. Two days later, I got a phone call from my midwife and she said that she’d noticed my cervix had started to funnel. So I really wasn’t sure what that had meant. But she basically said that if you look at a funnel, the way that a funnel is shaped is how it has a narrow end. Then the top of my cervix basically the baby was starting to push down. 

Winter  8:45  

Okay.

Bianca  8:45  

So eventually my cervix would start to open. She noticed that it began to funnel and they wanted to go over my options on whether or not I wanted to take progesterone shots, or if I wanted to get a cerclage put in place. Basically what this cerclage does is it’s like a stitch that stretches your cervix shut. Then it’s supposed to prevent preterm labor. I had told her that I wanted to talk to my husband and I had an appointment coming up two weeks later for January the 26th. I wanted to, you know, think about it and then let her know at that appointment whether or not I wanted to do either the cerclage or the progesterone shots. 

Bianca  9:34  

At that appointment on the 26th I had my anatomy scan. So they did the anatomy scan. They checked the baby and everything first, and he was fine. I actually got some ultrasound pictures where he was actually smiling. 

Winter  9:50  

Oh, oh, that is wonderful. 

Bianca  9:52  

Yeah. So that made me happy. Then she checked my cervix and I remember her pushing on my stomach. I can see because I have the screen in front of me and she was pushing on my stomach. As she was pushing, I saw something like an opening, every time she would push, I would see an opening. So I was like, “Is that my cervix?” And she said, “Yeah, you see that?” And I’m like, “yeah, that’s really weird.”  It was opening really big. So I got scared. She had stepped out and said she was gonna go get one of the high risk doctors to come in.

She had left. And at that point, I didn’t think anything of it because I’m like, the baby was fine. His heart rate was good and he was moving around. He was doing everything he was supposed to be doing for his gestational age. 

Winter  10:42  

Right.

Bianca  10:44  

The doctor had come in and they told me at that point, I needed to go over to the hospital to get an emergency cerclage put in because I was beginning to dilate and eventually he would come. I was nervous about that. I remember calling Michael. Michael was at work that day. I was like, I don’t want to do surgery. I went over to the hospital. They didn’t actually do it that day. They ended up scheduling it for two days later. I had the surgery done on the 28th of January, which was a Thursday

Winter  11:14  

Okay.

Bianca  11:16  

That Thursday, I went to the hospital, they put me to sleep, I was under general anesthesia. I remember the doctor that I had, it was just not a good experience. I felt like the communication was very off. So I had a ton of questions. I felt like my questions weren’t really being answered as they should have. 

Winter  11:39  

Yeah. 

Bianca  11:40  

At the time, Michael wasn’t able to come in because of COVID, I had to go for myself. So I got dropped off to the hospital. I remember just being frightened and I had questions. I felt like my questions weren’t really being answered. So they gave me the IV and I was getting wheeled into the operating room. I remember, they were telling me that I would fall asleep soon, because the drugs that they were giving me were supposed to make me go to sleep for the procedure.

I remember the doctor saying, “Oh my gosh, Bianca, this is going to be very risky.” And I was trying to get my words out to ask what’s going on, but I felt myself going to sleep because they had given me the medication already. I remember waking up in the recovery room, and I was like, is my baby, okay? They were like, yeah, the baby’s okay. It was very risky, because the membranes were beginning to come down and to my vagina. They had to basically push it back up and stitch it. It was risky, because during the process, there was a potential risk that he would break my water by accident. So luckily, everything was fine. Surgery and everything was a success. 

Bianca  13:01  

I waited at the hospital for a couple hours until I was able to recover. Then my mom came to the hospital to pick me up and brought me home. That was on a Thursday, so the Friday I remember being in so much pain, because of the surgery. So I thought, Oh, okay. I thought it was because of the surgery, I was bleeding, which they said would be normal because they tampered with my cervix. They said that the pain was normal because you know, they were messing with my cervix as well.

I remember saying to my girl, “I’m in so much pain, I’m cramping.” I had my previous son naturally, so I knew what the contractions felt like and it very much felt like contractions to me. I remember calling the doctor and I was explaining what I was feeling. They were telling me “Oh, no, that’s normal. Just take a Tylenol, you’ll be fine.” I had a checkup that Tuesday. So I was just like, okay, and I ignored taking the Tylenol. 

Bianca  14:12  

Saturday came and I’m just like, I don’t feel right. I had called the Doctor again and they have prescribed some type of medication that’s supposed to stop the contractions that I was having. I remember reading the back of the medication and I was like this says not safe to take in pregnancy. I was iffy about taking that. I was very iffy and my doctor reassured me that it was completely safe. He said he gave me a low dose and that it would help with the contractions that I was experiencing. I took the medication even though I had doubts from the beginning about taking it. 

Bianca  14:54  

I took that and then Sunday, everything just went downhill. My contractions were more intense, I started to feel a lot of pressure. I remember saying to Michael, “Should I go back to the ER and get evaluated.” And he was like, “Make sure you call your doctor first and see what the doctor says. I remember calling the doctor, this was the same doctor that did the surgery. He was just like, “Oh, I don’t think anything is wrong. But you can come in and we can evaluate you and see what’s going on.”

Bianca  15:27  

So I remember going and I had to go by myself again, because of COVID and I had got there and I could barely walk. It was so intense that I could barely even stand up straight and walk because the pain kept coming very intense, very strong and quickly. So they checked me in and I remember going to the back you know, where they called you in to assess you and all that. Then the nurse was talking to me, and she was asking what type of pain I was feeling. She wanted me to change into a Johnny and sit down on the stretcher that they had there. I remember telling her, “I can’t even take my clothes off. I’m in so much pain, I can’t even take anything off.”

She helped me and I remember another nurse came in and they were going to do a speculum exam, just to see what was happening. They did that. I remember usually speculum exams her a lot for me. I remember they put the speculum, but it was barely in. They both looked at each other. Then they said that they had to call a doctor. I was very scared. I had turned to the nurse. I was like, “Is everything okay? “And she was like, “Well, the stitches came out and your water stack is right here. Like it’s right there.” I’m like, “No, like, it can’t be there.” I was only 20 weeks and six days that Sunday, I was gonna be 21 weeks, the following day. I was just like, “No, this can’t be.” So I was like, “Can you please call my husband?” So she was like, “Yep, you’re going to be admitted.”

Bianca  17:15  

The doctor came down and the doctor was very blunt. He came to the room and he said, “You’re 20 weeks and six days, we’re gonna have to admit you and get this baby delivered, there’s going to be zero to little chance of survival for him because of his gestational age.” I remember saying to him, “Please hold, please just wait.” And I’m like, “Even if he comes this early, is there any way that the NICU you can, like, you know, help him out? Or like even get involved?” He said “No, because babies that little don’t have a chance of survival and the NICU you will not step in until a baby is at least 22 weeks.”

Even though he told me all that I remember just being there and I was in a state of shock. This can’t be my life right now. Like, there’s no way I didn’t want to believe it. For some reason, I had some hope that what he was saying was wrong. 

Bianca  18:19  

I remember the nurse had come back and she’s like ,”We called your husband, he’ll be on his way.” I remember Michael sent me a text and he was like, what’s going on, and I just couldn’t even respond to him because I didn’t know myself. I, for some reason, was just completely numb. I was completely numb to the situation. I just didn’t want to believe it. So, after that they brought me upstairs Michael came and the doctor was explaining to Michael everything that was going on. I felt very alone at that moment. I felt very defeated.

Bianca  19:04  

I went upstairs, and I got admitted. Everything just happened so quickly. This was like on a Sunday afternoon as well. Everything just happened so quickly. They first had to take the stitches out before I could deliver because they didn’t want it to interfere with the labor process. I remember, I didn’t want an epidural. I didn’t want to take any drugs either. I wanted to feel everything. You know what I mean? Like because I wanted to remember him and I didn’t want to be completely numb.

I knew at that moment I was emotionally numb, but I didn’t want to be completely numb to the situation. They took the stitches out and that was a very painful process for me. Took about 20 minutes. For some reason my water was still intact. I was so hopeful that maybe they can take the stitches out and I can be on bedrest, you know, like, maybe they can keep me in the hospital and I can stay here. Everything can work out, maybe I can get to 22 weeks or they can possibly save him. 

Winter  20:19  

Yeah. Did the doctors give you any sort of.. it was.. there was no hope. They basically said there was nothing to do.

Bianca  20:29  

I felt like they pretty much just wrote him off. At that moment. From the time I was in the ER, I felt like they pretty much just wrote him off like, she’s going to deliver and that’s going to be it. I don’t feel like they’ve done everything they could have. I felt like the doctor that I had was very harsh. When he was taking the stitches out, I wanted him to be careful, because I knew that my water was right there. Like the bag was right there. He was just so rough.

I remember, he put like an awesome object that looked like a hook to pull a stitch out. I just remember this warm sensation falling down my leg and I’m like, “Did you break my water? Did it break?” Everybody in the room just got quiet and I just started bawling. 

Bianca  21:28  

After that, they gave me some medication to get my labor to start to progress. I delivered Jalen on that Monday morning at 1:13 in the morning. Labor was very intense, very much real and painful. I had no desire to push because I just wanted to be pregnant for as long as I could be pregnant. I wanted to stay pregnant for as long as I could. I remember having this nurse by my side. She was very amazing. She was like an angel sent from above like she stood by my side the whole time. She rubbed my back, she laughed with me and cried with me. She was just so amazing and made the process and my experience so much more special. Not once did she leave me at all and I just felt like she was like a mom to me at that moment.

I remember pushing him out and I was on all fours. It was so difficult for me. I had no desire to push because I wanted him to stay in. I felt like he was safe there. He was safe with me and then once he came out it would just be over with and that’s the part that I struggle with the most. I remember him coming out and I took that last and final push. He came out and the room was quiet. I couldn’t see him because again I was on all fours and I remember turning to the nurse, “I was like is my baby okay?” She looked at me and she said “He has no clothes.”

Bianca  23:47  

I turned around and sat down. She wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. He was so perfect. I remember giving him a kiss on his cheek and telling him how much I loved him and how I was sorry because I felt like my body failed him. I had so many plans for him. I was prepared. It hurts me so bad because I will never get to see his eyes, I will never get to hear his cry, or feel his little fingers wrapped around my finger at all. The worst experience was of course the labor, but saying my goodbyes to him at a hospital and leaving him there knowing that I was going home and not being able to take him with me. Being on a labor and delivery Ward with other pregnant women, you know, they get to see their babies and I leave mine behind.

Bianca  25:20  

He did have a little bruising on the left side of his cheek. They did say that it was because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. 

Winter  25:31  

Oh, really? 

Bianca  25:33  

Yeah. And so once my water had broken, with every contraction that I was having, and one stroke to get tighter around his neck. I feel like I just let him down like my body failed. This is like a meeting that we both wanted. We both agreed that we both were so happy about it. The kids are so happy to have him and then having to explain that he’s not going to be here anymore really broke me down. Especially with my six year old having to explain to a six year old that was so excited that he was going to help a brother that he’s not going to physically be here with us was hard to explain.

Bianca  26:32  

Shortly after I delivered him. We decided to go home that day. It was a very bad snowstorm. I didn’t want to stay in the hospital. They did say I can stay for two days. I remember saying “No, I don’t want to stay here anymore. I just have to leave.” I kept seeing pregnant women, I kept hearing babies crying in the hall and I just wanted to leave. 

Bianca  27:06  

They did ask me how I wanted everything to go in terms of Jalen and I told them that I would reach out to a funeral home because I did want to have a service for him. Um, the hospital said that they do a program basically where they would dispose of his body. They would dedicate a plaque in our cemetery nearby. At that moment, I was just like, you know what I don’t want to… I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to be in charge of what I did with him with his body. You know, I don’t feel like we were going to stay in Massachusetts much longer. We plan on relocating soon. I would feel so guilty of not being able to, you know, have his remains with us and having him here in a cemetery where I wouldn’t be able to visit and I just felt very terrible about it. 

Bianca  28:14  

We both agreed to get a funeral home that we both were familiar with. They picked him up from the hospital. We ended up getting him cremated and we have his ashes and an urn in our room that we keep close to us. We created a memory table for him. It was like his pictures around and his Teddy bear that he was holding at the hospital. We have his blanket. We created a Memory Box for him with a pregnancy test and first ultrasound pictures of his blankets, his teddy bears that you know the blanket he was wrapped in and the teddy bear he was holding and the first outfit that we both bought for him. We have a lot of pictures that we took in the hospital that we’re able to look back on. I ended up getting those printed out and put that in his memory box. I’m so grateful that the nurse offered to do a little photoshoot for him. 

Winter  29:29  

Oh wonderful.

Bianca  29:30  

Yeah, she was able to get professional pictures done for us that we have to look back on. She got him dressed up. She put on this really cute outfit on him. It was like a little baby blue shirt and she wrapped him up in a little Winnie the Pooh blanket where he had a baby blue knitted hat on to fit him because he was so tiny. He was 10 and a half inches long and he was 11.5 ounces. Very tiny, I was able to hold him in my hand. He was so tiny.

I was just grateful to have those pictures to look back on. You know, I really encourage pictures. Taking pictures, because at that moment, I didn’t want to take pictures, but I’m glad that we did. Because now, we have pictures of the three of us. It’s something that I cherish and look at every day. We had a funeral service, and the kids were able to see him for the first time there. They weren’t able to finally process it. Seeing him physically. 

Winter  30:52  

Did you end up calling or letting your kids know what was happening when you guys were at the hospital? Is that what happened?

Bianca  31:00  

Yeah, so Michael ended up calling my daughter. She kind of knew when I had left to go to the ER, the night before. She knew something was wrong. When she noticed that Michael had to leave out. He had to end up bringing the kids to my mom’s house and said that he had to go to the hospital with me, told her that and she knew she was texting me with “Everything, okay? I wasn’t responding, because I didn’t want to worry her. He let her know that this is what’s happening and the baby is not going to make it. She at that moment had broken down which broke me down even more. My son just didn’t understand. 

Winter  31:55  

Yeah at the funeral, so they got to meet him? Was it just your family? Did any of your other immediate– like your mom, was she able to come and see him and meet him?

Bianca  32:10  

Yep. So we had a more intimate service. It was just like, immediate family and some friends. Yeah, really close friends. Michael had two friends and I had my two close friends. They did it where they had us come like an hour earlier. So me, Mike and the kids. We had our time, our one on one time where we, you know, can have the kids process everything and see him and ask any questions they needed to ask.

Winter  32:52  

How did they take it?

Bianca  32:54  

My daughter was very hurt. My son was upset. I remember he had said, “You guys promised I would have a brother.” That was hard to explain to him like you still have a brother. He’s just not here. He has to be with God now and Heaven and he’s watching over us. He didn’t understand that concept. He didn’t understand why he had to go. And it was hard for me to explain to him why he had to go as well. I still struggle with that till this day. You know, he goes up to his urn, and he’ll talk to the urn, and help pick it up. And I’m like, “Hey, put that down.” So what I did was I went out to build a bear, and I ended up getting them a teddy bear for both of them. One has his heartbeat from the ultrasound in the arm and so we had a ton of clothes that we had purchased.

We were preparing, buying things little by little. I remember putting Jalen onesie on the teddy bear. And so he’ll go and he’ll push the teddy bear and hear the heartbeat and it plays a song, which is a song that we played at the funeral. He’ll go, he’ll hug it, he’ll play it and every now and again he’ll shed a tear and he’ll say, “I miss Jalen”, and I’m like, Yeah, I miss him too. It’s very hard. He has his days where one day he’s fine. And then the next day he’s breaking down my daughter as well. She has her days or some days it’s easy for her and some days. She’s hugging her teddy bear and looking at his pictures. 

Winter  34:50  

It’s so hard for the siblings. It’s yeah, yeah. Can you tell me why you guys named him? Jalen is that a family name is that I? Is that just a name you guys have really liked?

Michael  35:06  

We were throwing, what seemed like 1000 names out. We probably said about 1000 names 999 were getting swatted by each other? 

Winter  35:18  

That’s what always happens. 

Michael  35:19  

Yeah, so I guess Jalen came up and we both we’ve finally agreed and we stopped that that because if not, we were just-

Bianca  35:30  

So just read I really like the name Jeremiah. 

Winter  35:35  

Hmmmh

Bianca  35:35  

Which is his middle name because my daughter’s name is Sanya. My son is Josiah and then Jeremiah, you get the ring. 

Winter  35:42  

Oh, there’s definitely that either, and I like it.

Bianca  35:47  

So I love the name Jeremiah. Josiah is also a biblical name and so is Jeremiah. So I really wanted to keep back on as well as Michael. So I’m like, look at we’ll have all the boys in the house have a biblical name. Michael’s like, “I just don’t like that for a first name.” So first he mentioned Jaden, and I’m like, I don’t like Jaden too much because we have family members named Jaden. So I was like, what about Jalen, and so my mom’s name is Juliene and so she was like, yeah, Jalen, that’s perfect. She’s like, yes. So we ended up naming him Jalen Jeremiah and we both agreed to that. 

Winter  36:35  

It’s got a nice rhythm.It’s got a nice rhythm to it. I really like it a lot. 

Bianca  36:43  

Thank you. 

Winter  36:45  

So you guys have a nice little kind of a memory wall. A Memory Box for Jalen. Is there anything that you guys, what other things that you did during the delivery and even at the internment? Is there anything that you wanted to do? That was really special that you wanted to kind of remember him by? It sounded like you guys had a special song that you played for him too. During the funeral? 

Bianca  37:12  

Yeah, so we played Surrender by I think her name is Natalie. Um, so we played that song and it’s a really heartfelt song. My sister created a slideshow for us that we played at the funeral as well. So it was like, the moment we found out we were pregnant with the pregnancy test. We got those on camera. We were able to throw in his first ultrasound where they confirmed that, you know, there was a little Bean that was his nickname. We all called him Bean. Our announcement photo, we announced our pregnancy on Christmas Day. 

Winter  38:01  

Oh, fun. 

Bianca  38:03  

Yeah, so that was exciting. For us, everyone found out on Christmas Day, and I couldn’t hide it anymore at that point. It was like either I told them on Christmas Day, or they’re gonna just wonder what’s going on because my stomach was starting to poke out too much. Usually, like Valentine’s Day, He was born in February, the first and Valentine’s Day came. So what we did was go out and we bought a card. It was like a card for a loved one that’s far away. I bought him a card and wrote everything I was feeling at that moment in the card for him. I think I want to keep that going on holidays, like, include him and stuff like that, and continue to talk about him and, you know, plan for different milestones that he would have reached with our due date coming up.

I know it’s gonna be very challenging for us, but I want to do something in remembrance of him on that day. Whether it’s to go out and do something in memory of him or do a balloon release. I know at the end of the funeral, we went up to the park close by our house and we all let go–We wrote on a balloon, wrote him a message and we said a balloon release and let it go for him. 

Winter  39:31  

That’s awesome. That’s, that’s so that’s a fun thing to do. Yeah, send a message. Right.

Bianca  39:40  

I think he sends us a lot of messages too, because I, I don’t really I can almost feel his presence with me. After I gave birth, I still feel like I’m pregnant. Like even sometimes I’ll sit here and I feel like I can still feel him kicking. It’s so weird to me because it’s like I’ll look at Michael I’m like, I feel pregnant. Like, I feel like he’s here. My stomach, I can feel him moving like, it’s, it’s the weirdest thing. I remember one day I was crying. And I just wanted him, you know, just couldn’t understand why I wanted him here so bad. My TV just shut off, or I’ll come across like a name. I’ll be working because I work from home and I’ll come across a name of a patient and it’s Jalen, and it’s just like, my baby is trying to like, talk to me. Let me know that he’s okay. 

Winter  40:42  

Yeah. Like, you know, he shows up every so often.

Bianca  40:48  

Yeah, I feel like he’s trying to let me know. It’s so weird. I do. I do try to like, talk about him. I feel like it helps me a lot to like, continue to talk about him and share his story. I just wish that some days, I wish I could have had the chance to tell them how much I loved him and how much he was wanted and how much we all needed him. Especially me. I felt like I really needed him at this moment in my life. I wanted him more than anything. If I could have done anything to save him, I would have without a doubt. The moment I hit my second trimester, it was on game like I started going shopping. We had Michael put his crib up. We got the stroller, the car seat, the clothes, everything, we got everything but diapers and formula. So that was hard. That was very hard. 

Winter  41:54  

Yeah. 

Bianca  41:55  

I remember the day that I ended up leaving the hospital. I said to Michael, can you get somebody over the house and take that crib down and take the car seat and take the stroller and just get it out cause we had his nursery set up. I didn’t think I could come back home to that all being there. So I ended up getting dropped off at my grandparents house. Michael had called somebody and they took the crib out. We ended up donating it to a women’s shelter. I just kept his clothes. The only thing I did keep was his clothes. I haven’t gotten the courage just yet to get rid of any of his clothes. They’re all still packed away in his drawer.

As far as everything else, we got rid of all the big stuff that I just wanted it to go because I didn’t think I had the courage to walk into his room and see all that stuff there knowing that he wouldn’t be here with us and he wouldn’t be using any of this. It was his stuff. It just broke me down to even think about going home and all his stuff was set up and ready for him it tore me apart. So I did tell Michael to take that down. But the dresser with his clothes in it. Leave the dresser, everything else you can take, the stroller and the car seat. We didn’t throw away the box. So we were able to take that back. I just wanted it gone.

Yeah, I still have his clothes that I plan on keeping until it’s the right time. I don’t think it’ll ever be the right time, but it gives me comfort, being able to look at them. And you know, it gives me something that we bought for him. So I don’t really feel comfortable just giving it away just yet.

Winter  43:54  

Yeah. And you, you should hold on to it as long as you need to. Because you know what you might need your kids might need to dress up their Build a Bears in a onesie or two. So yeah. Now is there anything else you would like to tell me about his birth or anything that you want to remember about him?

Bianca  44:18  

Oh, yeah, so the hospital has a program, or like a support group called empty arms. 

Winter  44:26  

Mm hmm. 

Bianca  44:27  

They reached out to the organizer of the program. And I remember while I was in the hospital, she reached out to me and I remember just looking at my phone and I’m like, I don’t want to talk to anybody right now. I can’t explain anything about what just happened. I don’t even want to talk about any of this right now. So I ignored her for a couple of days. And she kept reaching out and eventually I opened up and I let her in. And she has some volunteers that go to the hospital. They’ll do things for the baby, which I’m so grateful for.

They were able to make us castings of Jalen’s hands and his feet. I do have that with his footprints and his hands to look at and have like a visual. That helped me a lot in this grieving process, every now and again, I’ll go in that box, and I’ll pull out the casting, then I’ll like, rub his feet and just look at them and look at his little toes and his hand, they were balled in a little fist. I just look at those. I’m just grateful that I had that and that support group. They do have meetings where I’m able to, like, have virtual meetings with other moms that went through the same thing. We’re able to share our experiences. I feel like it helps a lot to know that you’re not alone in the situation.

Before this happened to me, I never really thought about this like until it happened. Like, I knew this kind of stuff happened. But I didn’t know it happened like this, or, you know, like, I hear other stories and stuff. It’s just like, wow, it’s so yeah, the emotions are so raw and so real. I’ve had other losses in my life, but nothing compared to this type of loss. This type of loss was something that I felt like, it hit me deep down. Like, I know, every loss is painful. But this type of loss was something that was just I felt like I lost a part of myself, the day that I lost Jalen. And I don’t feel like I will ever be that Bianca, that I was in September 2020.

When I found out I was pregnant, I will never be that person again. The day that I lost him, I lost myself. Like he took a part of me with him. I feel like that’s the saddest part because I really, I had so much hope for him. I just, I plan for everything when you lose a baby, not only plan for the baby, but you plan for their future you plan for, you know, their first solid food and the first walks and all that. I won’t get to experience any of that with him.

Winter  47:58  

Yeah, it is. It’s devastating.

Bianca  48:02  

But yeah, it was definitely grateful to have the momentums that I did get for him and the pictures that I do have, that I cherish every day and you know, trying to carry on his memory and by creating that memory table, and we both have necklaces, in remembrance of him. And so we wear this every day. I haven’t taken this off at all.

Winter  48:33  

Yep, I know what you’re talking about, that’s what you do. 

Bianca  48:39  

Yeah, so I think that’s my little bean. 

Winter  48:43  

I love that. I love that. Thank you so much for sharing his birth story with me today. I know it’s not an easy task to do that, but I hope that it has helped your heart and I hope it has. Well you’ll have this memory of it with you so, so thank you again, thank you again, Bianca, for coming on today. We will talk to you soon. 

Bianca  49:10  

Thank you, thanks for having us.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: birth story, early term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: stillbirth

31: Dad Scott’s account of Henley’s C-section birth, stillborn at 36 weeks

March 15, 2020 by Winter

Dad Scott tells about finding out that his daughter Henley would be born still at his wife Meghan’s, 36-week appointment, and describes her being born by C-section, and the time after with his daughter. After they decide to have her cremated, Scott finds a castle urn, because she’s “his princess”.

Scott’s and Meghan’s tattoos

Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

In the birth story podcast episode, dad Scott recounts Henley’s stillbirth:

  • Time Stamp 1:54: Who Scott is and how he met his wife, Meghan
  • Time Stamp 4:25: When they found out that their daughter Henley did have a heartbeat
  • Time Stamp 11:24: C-section delivery of Henley by Meghan’s doctor
  • Time Stamp 15:04: Meeting Henley for the first time and seeing her hair
  • Time Stamp 20:15: Henley is cremated and Scott chooses her urn, a castle
  • Time Stamp 23:44: Scott’s last bit of advice to watch for erratic movements
  • Listen to Scott’s advice of what not to say to a loss parent in his advice Episode 32.
  • Listen to Scott’s wife, Meghan’s birth story of Henley here in Episode 29.
  • Listen to Scott’s wife, Meghan’s advice of dealing with grief after Henley’s stillbirth here in Episode 30.
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Full Transcript

Scott 0:00
My daughter’s name is Henley Ryan.

She was small. She was about four pounds. Born October 3 at 12:49 am.

Lee 0:31
Welcome to Still A Part of Us, a podcast where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m Lee Redd, and on this episode, Scott is telling the story of his daughter Henley, who was stillborn at 36 weeks.

As a word of caution to our listeners. This story contains emotional triggers of stillbirth and infant loss. Please keep yourself emotionally and mentally healthy and seek help if needed. Also, be aware that these stories may differ from his or her partner’s, as these accounts are told, from their own perspective through the lens of trauma, heartache, and the passage of time. Please respect our moms and dads, who are brave and gracious to share their children with us.

Scott 1:22
Yeah, it was a very long day actually. We went to the doctor’s October 2nd at 8am. Just a normal checkup. And Meghan was getting the checkup. I was supposed to go get the Tdap shot. And so, and then I had to go to work. So they were, Alright, here’s your shot. And then I was about to head out and doctor’s like, Hey, let’s listen to the heartbeat. And used a little–I forget what it’s called–couldn’t find a heartbeat. But then she got the ultrasound and still couldn’t find anything. And so that’s when we found out.

Lee 1:54
Let’s talk about you. What do you do, Scott? What do you–

Scott 1:58
Um, I work for a nonprofit. We help teach and train people with learning mental disabilities like autism, Down syndrome, traumatic brain injuries, how to join the modern workforce, either with custodial work, filing, stuff like that. The ones that we can’t find jobs out in the real world, we actually hire them inside of our company, and we pay them to do that same thing, custodial, stuff like that. Some of them do piecework, and they just put stuff together. And we package it up, and we ship it out to the different places that we have contracts with.

Lee 2:38
Wonderful. And then your wife Meghan, she recorded her podcasts earlier, but how did you meet Meghan?

Scott 2:46
I met Meghan through a friend of ours. I was working at a hookah lounge. And…yeah. And…she, our friend came in, my friend came in and then she came in. We just–that’s how we met. We hung out. Became friends. Had a great time. And that’s pretty much how it was. And that was about 2007, 2008.

Lee 3:12
Well, good. And your daughter, Meghan–sorry–your daughter, Henley. I hope you didn’t marry your daughter! Your daughter, Henley, is she your first?

Scott 3:24
She was our first. Yeah.

Lee 3:27
IS she your first, I guess…yeah.

Scott 3:29
Yeah.

Lee 3:30
And tell us–start at the very, very, very beginning. Were you guys planning on a child or…?

Scott 3:36
Yeah, for a long time, I was, you know, just wasn’t sure if I wanted kids. I had a rough childhood and I didn’t want to have my baggage put onto my kids, kind of thing. But after a while, I was like, Yeah, let’s, let’s let’s start. And that’s pretty much what happened. We just kept going and going and then finally everything was great. And she’s pregnant and I was super excited. Decorated everything, just went all out.

It’s a double edged sword right there. It hurts.

The room’s still set up too. Name’s still on the wall and everything.

Lee 4:15
Man. So you were going to go get your Tdap boosters.

Scott 4:18
Yeah. What’s that?

Lee 4:22
Is it a booster or just Tdap shot or–?

Scott 4:25
It’s a Tdap shot. I forget everything it does. I want to say it was like tuberculosis and some other stuff like that. It’s basically just a cocktail of different things. And so when in for that, and this is probably only the third appointment I’ve ever gone to with Meghan. And so it was like, Alright, well, I gotta get to work too. So her appointment was 8am, and about 8:15 or so I got my shot and I was about to head out and the doctor stopped me. And she was like, Wait, let’s listen to the heartbeat before you go. And I’m like, alright, yeah, okay. And so she grabs the little thing and can’t find it. And at first, I wasn’t thinking too much about it, because this was only my third visit with the doctor and everything. But then I’m looking at her face and–the doctor’s face and I can see that she’s looking a little concerned, actually a little pale. And she’s like, You know what? I’m just gonna go grab the ultrasound and she brought it over. And she’s doing it and I can see, Henley’s heart, and it was not beating.

And I instantly was just crushed. But Meghan was holding it together. She’s, she’s gotten really good with dealing with loss. She’s lost, she lost her father and her grandmother, both in 2016. So she’s like, Okay, let’s go to the next step. Meghan starts getting cleaned up, we grab her stuff, and the doctor’s in tears, and she’s hugging us. And I can see Meghan’s trying to hold it together, so I’m trying to hold it together for her. And we just get in the car and we start driving to the hospital, which is about 15 minutes away from my, our doctor’s office.

And we check in and there was like no rush. Nobody was like, Oh my god, let’s check this and everything. So we’re like, alright, obviously, they’re pretty confident in this doctor’s findings. And it was literally like, about an hour or so after we checked in the hospital before the ultrasound technician came with her machine to confirm. And they confirm everything. They didn’t even turn their screen away as they were typing their findings into the computer. So we were able to see and read everything.

Lee 6:39
That’s–I don’t know it, it’s one of those situations where, you know, who, what do you want to know? What do you want to do? And when we are in that situation, we’re just completely clueless and oblivious to what really is normal and that doesn’t sound normal to me like, Ah!, you know?

Scott 7:01
Yeah, it definitely didn’t feel or feel normal. I was just like, Why isn’t anybody coming in here? Like all we had was our nurse, who was adorable. She was, she, she’s a new nurse. And she, she’s in tears. As soon as we got she walked us into her room, she was in tears. And she’s like, I’ll be honest, I’ve delivered multiple babies. But this is the first situation like this I’ve dealt with. And she’s in tears. And Meghan and I were still focused on Okay, next steps. Let’s figure this out. And so it was a little rough seeing her cry.

And, but then later on, I guess we scared her, because none of us, neither of us are crying, and the nurse literally pulled me out of the room and is like, Is Meghan okay? Like, she’s not showing anything. Is everything okay? And I’m like, This is just–she’s just, she’s very…I don’t want to say goal oriented, but she’s very focused on the task. So that’s what was going on.

Lee 8:00
The time and place, time and place.

Scott 8:02
Yeah, pretty much.

Lee 8:03
So what happened after there was the confirmation that Henley did not have a heartbeat?

Scott 8:08
After the confirmation and everything, we waited a bit longer. And a different doctor than ours–because ours was still at her practice. She was actually not supposed to be scheduled to go to that hospital until the next day. So a different doctor came in, who does work alongside with our doctor, and a really, really nice guy. He honestly kind of sounded Jamaican, which was really interesting. That accent was definitely interesting to listen to while he’s trying to give us all the information of what’s gonna be going on.

But he gave us all these selections that we could do and what could happen, kind of thing. Like if we tried to induce, what could happen. Because Henley was really breech up in Meghan. Like her–Hendley’s head was actually up under her ribs. Yeah, she was way up there and he’s like, Well, you can try to induce. But the problem with this, is since she’s not moving around or anything, her head can get stuck. And then we’d have to do a more in depth kind of surgery, kind of thing, which could actually ruin Meghan’s possibility of getting pregnant again in the future. And so he’s like the safest, in my opinion, would be the C-section. And so, Meghan and I talked about it for a bit, and we decided to go with the C-section. But Meghan wanted to wait till the next day to have her doctor, the one that she’s been with this whole time. And so we kind of just hung out. Meghan and I–

Lee 9:45
Did you go back home, or…did you go back home or were you hanging out at the hospital?

Scott 9:50
We stayed at the hospital the whole time. Meghan, actually, her body started to realize something was up and started having mild contractions and stuff. So we didn’t want to go back home. And plus anything we’d be able to face going home, because we had nursery all set up and everything. Didn’t want to really see all that right now.

But we had a great family friend. She went and she came to the hospital. She was talking to us. Everything. I started making phone calls to people like Meghan’s mom, who was in California at the time. They were on vacation, her and her stepdad, her and Meghan’s stepdad, they’re on vacation. And so they’re like, We’re grabbing our stuff; we’re driving back now. And our friend, she went to our house. She picked up a whole bunch of stuff for us–laptop, pretty much anything to keep us distracted. And then I left my car at the doctor’s office. So her husband had to drive my car, because of the stick shift, back to my house.

Lee 10:51
It’s safety security right there.

Scott 10:53
Exactly. Nobody can steal my car.

But I didn’t want to leave it at the doctor’s office, because it has all my work tools in there. And so he grabbed that and he drove it back home. They came–she, uh her, his wife came to the hospital, gave us all our stuff and food. And we just kind of just, try to stay focused on what needed to happen. And also distract yourself. Watch Netflix and movies and stuff like that.

Lee 11:24
And so the next morning happened. Well, I guess–

Scott 11:26
It was later that night. Her doctor didn’t want us sitting in the hospital that long. And so she, after she left her practice, she went home, fed her kids, had dinner really quick. And then she came in around 10:30 at night. And she’s like, I’m coming in. If you guys want we’ll do this now. And that way, you guys can recover. You’re not sitting here suffering and thinking about all this. And that’s when it got me even more. I actually had to step out and just the fact that she was willing to come in, when she was already going to be on call the next day. She was already at work all day. And it just was really touching.

And so we said, Okay, we’ll do it. Meghan’s mom and stepdad finally got there at that point. And we told them what was going on, what the plan was. And her stepdad was awesome. He actually smuggled in a water bottle filled with vodka and cranberry juice for me. Because he saw I was on edge. He snuck that in for me, and then we got ready. And we did the C-section. And it was about an hour or so going. I was just there, focused on Meghan. The blind was up, so we couldn’t see anything. And both of us are in tears the whole time, just– And then finally like the nurses, the doctors, everything just went quiet. And that’s when we knew that Henley was, was finally out. And yeah, there’s–the silence is just, it was deafening.

And then after everything was sewn up, all that stuff with that, the doctor talked to us for a little bit after everything was cleaned up. And she believed that it was caused because Meghan’s placenta was on the front of her stomach area, not in the back, but her umbilical cord was abnormally short. It was…she said that she barely had enough to take Henley out and put her on Meghan’s stomach. It was so tight. So we think that…the doctor thinks that, every time Henley would try to roll to get into position, she was actually kinking her cord and cutting off all the supplies she needed, until it finally just collapsed. Yeah.

Lee 14:06
It is one of those situations where, after our son Brannan, the doctor, the doctor said it really is how anybody is ever born, is amazing. Because anything and everything can go wrong. So Henley is delivered via C-section, you guys wheeled back to the room, what happens after?

Scott 14:30
So, we get back to the room. We transfer Meghan into her bed and we did that. And we’re–the doc– nobody comes in for a bit. They’re cleaning Henley up and everything in the other, in another room. And we’re just sitting there waiting. Meghan’s kind of joking a little bit, trying to keep things light, because she’s like, The weirdest part is I have no idea where my legs are in space. She’s like, I can’t feel anything. I’m looking at my toes, telling them to wiggle, but they just won’t move. So she starts to get a little bit of movement back.

And that’s when the nurses come in and says, Are you guys ready to see Henley? And we bought an outfit and everything that Meghan’s mom purchased–this cute little Ralph Lauren, pink onesie. And I brought a hat from home and everything. And like, Yeah. And so she came in and handed Henley to Meghan. And she’s holding her, and we’re just, we’re just looking at her and admiring her. And the nurses, we asked her to take some photos with us. And so she’s taking some photos of us and everything. And the one thing I was super curious about, and I needed to see, was her hair. I needed to know she took after me or if she took after Meghan and she took after me.

Lee 15:55
In what way? She took after you because you have dark hair and, or–?

It was dark, thick, curly hair. So she didn’t take after my color when I–my hair color when I was born. I was, when I was born, I was a toehead. Just straight white blond hair. But with the curls and how thick it was, we knew she took after me, because Meghan’s hair is like, stick-straight and very fine. So that was the one thing I was super intrigued by. And I was sad, but so happy to see that she took after me in that point. But everything else was Meghan. She had Meghan’s nose and her cheeks. And it was…it was great. And I mean, not great, but great seeing it. And yeah…it was heartbreaking.

It’s a cruel situation. So you guys, how long were you in the hospital?

Scott 16:54
We got to the hospital around 9:15am. And we were there…

Lee 17:01
You delivered at midnight-ish…

Scott 17:02
We delivered at 12:39am. Yeah. Henley was born. And we stayed there for…we were cleared to go actually, the next day. The doctor was like, you’re doing great. Meghan was already walking around, struggling a little bit, but she was still walking in her own power. And the doctor’s like, If you guys want, you can go home the next day. And Meghan’s like, No, I’m gonna stay another night. And so we stayed another night. But when we had Henley with us, her mom, Meghan’s mom was in another room. And we were going to set up in another room for her to see Henley and the hold and stuff like that. We didn’t think that we’d emotionally be able to see her with her granddaughter at that point. And so, but we asked her and she, she’s like, No. She was more worried about her daughter, wanted to check on Meghan and everything like that. So we’re like, Okay.

We had her for a bit. And we both wish we would have had her longer, because we had the option to, for up to 24 hours. And but at the time we couldn’t do it. We started breaking down and we just…yeah. So we decided not to go home the next day. We decided to stay the night again. And so we just–hanging out watching movies, friends visiting, relaxing, and just taking care of her as best–taking care of Meghan as best I could. I keep saying her and I keep forgetting we’re recording.

Lee 18:39
Did you guys decide to have a funeral for Henley or–?

Scott 18:45
We didn’t do a…we didn’t do a funeral. We had her cremated. We got in contact–there’s an nonprofit here in Vegas Meghan found, and I–honestly I have, I’m really bad with memory, so I don’t remember the name of it. But they got us in contact with a funeral home. And they, I guess the owners had a loss as well. His child, I believe, was two, when it passed. And he decided that any child under under five, he will take care of all cremation for free just to help out a family and all that stuff.

Lee 19:26
It’s, it’s, it’s amazing because we’ve had so many people, so many people come to our aid and it’s a wonderful little mercy for us. It’s, you know, it’s hard to make decisions in that situation. And it’s, it’s just terrible.

Scott 19:46
For sure.

Lee 19:47
So do you have Henley–some parents have like…we have a friend who had their daughter cremated, and there’s this nice little heart that they have on their shelf. And then we have another friend who, they split up the ashes into vials and the husband has some and he wears it. Almost dog collar-ish, dog tag-ish…um not dog collar, but dog tag…

Scott 20:15
So it came, she came in a little box, and it looked plastic. I wasn’t a fan of this box. I actually hated this box. It just had a little teddy bear on it. I found online another urn and it’s a castle, and it reminded me instantly of the Disneyland castle. And I’m like, She’s my princess. We’re going to get this for her and ordered it and we transferred her in. And right now she’s sitting on her dresser inside of her room with a teddy bear that our friend got us, which was a huge help. She found out that there’s a group that you can purchase a teddy bear for them and they will weight the teddy bear to the exact weight of your child they lost. And so this teddy bear, it’s there. It weighs four pounds, 10 ounces, and it has Henley’s name on it. It has her weight and her birth date on it. And it’s just sitting there, along with some custom onesies that that we had with her name on anything. And it’s just sitting on the shelf on her dresser. And also on the castle is a set of Mickey ears that you get in the park with her name embroidered into it.

Lee 21:30
Now just to let everybody know, Scott and Meghan go to Disneyland a lot.

Scott 21:37
Every every four to six weeks.

Lee 21:39
Every four to six weeks, so…

Scott 21:42
Huge fans of Disney. I was really looking forward to taking Henley to Disney, because the first time we would have taken her would have been, not this last trip we did this weekend, but the one right before. She would have been old enough and had her vaccinations and we could have taken her.

Lee 22:02
Do you take that little stuffed teddy bear with you?

Scott 22:04
We have not taken the stuffed teddy bear, but I do have a little stuffed Groot. Not, not the one that I showed you before, but another one. And it was the first stuffy I purchased for Henley while Meghan was still pregnant with her. And it was the very first stuffy that she was going to have. That one I do take with me and I–sitting on my nightstand with me. I have a bracelet that’s custom-made with Henley’s footprint and her name on it, and at night when I go to bed that bracelet is sitting on top of that Groot’s head, just right there for me to just to always know to grab it. I was looking for an embroidery house here that will actually embroider her name on to that Groot.

Winter and Lee Redd 22:54
Oh?

Scott 22:55
Yeah, I have not been able to find one that I’m willing to leave the Groot with overnight, cuz it’s, it’s just so precious to me, that I don’t want to risk anything.

Lee 23:06
You might get a patch. And then you sew the patch on yourself.

Scott 23:10
Yeah, I was thinking the patch. I was gonna, I was trying to take it to Disneyland and see if they can do it with their machines there, that way we can actually get the same thread and font that we have her Mickey Mouse ears. And but they said that they won’t do it. They’ll only do the stuff that they personally sell in the parks and this one was never purchased at the parks.

Lee 23:33
Well, good luck finding a workaround, so…. Is there anything else you would like to tell us about the birth of your daughter Henley?

Scott 23:44
The night before we had the doctor’s appointment, is what really sticks with me and Meghan both. It uh…we were laying on the couch, and Henley was kicking up a storm. Like just crazy, more than she’s ever done before in the past. And we’re like, Maybe she’s rolling to get into position, stuff like that. Didn’t think anything of it. And then the next day is when we found out what happened. And that’s what really sticks with me, because I’m like, Was this actually her kicking in distress, and we just didn’t think about it? Because we were never–we were always told to look out for lower amounts of movement, not higher. That’s the one thing that really sticks with me that, that I think about daily.

Lee 24:31
It’s heavy. It’s…I have no words. But it’s–I’m sorry. That’s all I can say.

Scott 24:41
Thank you.

Lee 24:42
Thank you.

I personally would like to thank Scott for being on the podcast and opening himself up. It’s hard to be vulnerable, and to share this special story with us. Thank you, Scott.

Head over to our website StillAPartofUs.com. There, you’ll be able to find the show notes including a full transcript of this interview and any resources that were mentioned. There you could also sign up for a short and helpful email newsletter. You can also find out how you can become a patron and support the work it takes to produce this show for just a few dollars a month. And lastly, you can find out how to get in touch with us if you want to share your child’s story with us.

The show was produced and edited by Winter and Lee Redd. Thanks to Josh Woodward for letting us use his song “She Dreams in Blue”. You could find him at JoshWoodward.com. And lastly, subscribe to the podcast and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they are still a part of us.

“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.” Barbara Johnson

Filed Under: birth story, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: c-section, stillbirth, stillborn

29: Mom Meghan tells C-section birth story of Henley, stillborn at 36 weeks

March 1, 2020 by Winter

Mom Meghan tells about her textbook pregnancy and the C-section birth story and with her first child, daughter Henley, who was stillborn. At her 36-week checkup, she and her husband Scott heard the words every parent hopes to never hear: I’m sorry. She has no heartbeat. 

Scott and Meghan with their stillborn daughter, Henley

Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

In this stillbirth story podcast episode told from mom Meghan’s point of view:

  • Time Stamp 3:03: Meghan has a textbook pregnancy and she was feeling great–they even went to Disneyland at 33 weeks.
  • Time Stamp 5:44: Meghan and Scott get the news that Henley doesn’t have a heart beat.
  • Time Stamp 10:17: She makes the decision to have a C-section.
  • Time Stamp 17:52: Henley is delivered via C-section by Meghan’s doctor.
  • Time Stamp 21:39: Meghan tells how Henley was moving and kicking erratically the night before.
  • Time Stamp 28:46: How they chose Henley Ryan’s name.
  • Time Stamp 35:00: They choose to have Henley cremated.
  • Listen to Meghan’s advice of dealing with grief after Henley’s stillbirth here in Episode 30.
  • Listen to Meghan’s husband, Scott’s birth story of Henley who was stillborn here in Episode 31.
  • Listen to Meghan’s husband, Scott’s advice after Henley’s birth here in Episode 32.
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Full Transcript

Meghan 0:00
Henley Ryan

We realized that her nose is exactly my nose, so the genetics carry strong.

Winter 0:19
Welcome to Still A Part of Us, a podcast where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m Winter Redd, and on this episode, Meghan is telling the story of her daughter Henley, who was stillborn at 36 weeks.

As a word of caution to our listeners, this story contains emotional triggers of stillbirth and infant loss. Please keep yourself emotionally and mentally healthy and seek help if needed. Also be aware that these birth stories may differ from his or her partner’s, as these accounts are told from their own perspective through the lens of trauma, heartache, and the passage of time. Please respect our moms and dads who are brave and gracious to share their children with us.

Meghan 1:17
My name is Meghan. I’m 32. I had to think about for a second. My husband and I have been together since we were 19 years old, but we’ve been married for about six and a half years now. Henley was our first pregnancy, first child. I am a nanny by trade. I’ve been a nanny for seven years. We have two dogs: a chiuaua and a Border Collie-Pitbull mix.

Winter 1:17
Meghan, thank you so much for being on today. I’m excited to chat with you about your little Henley. And to give us a little bit of context, tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you? Where you guys at? Kind of just give us a little background of who you are.

Awesome. And what do you, what do you like to do in your free time?

Meghan 1:59
We are Disneyland people you That is our thing. We have annual passes to Disneyland, we go about once every four to six weeks. It’s about a four-hour drive for us.

Winter 2:08
No way! That’s amazing!

Meghan 2:09
Yeah, we love it. We were actually just there last Sunday and Monday.

Winter 2:13
Oh my goodness that it was crazy. Last Sunday and Monday, if I’m not mistaken.

Meghan 2:17
It was a holiday weekend. And the opening weekend of a brand new ride. It was insane.

Winter 2:23
Did you end up on that brand new ride?

Meghan 2:25
We did. We managed to get on.

Winter 2:27
That’s amazing. That’s, that’s very cool. You guys are based in Nevada…?

Meghan 2:33
Yeah, we live in Las Vegas.

Winter 2:34
Okay, so that’s why you’re four hours away from Disneyland. Okay, well, that’s awesome. And then can you give us a little bit of context about when Henley was born?

Meghan 2:45
She was born on October 3, 2019. So just under four months ago.

Winter 2:51
Yup. At the time of this recording, and this is very new for you, Meghan, so thank you for coming on. And how did your pregnancy go? Like, did you guys get pregnanat pretty quickly and everything?

Meghan 3:03
It was a pretty much textbook pregnancy. We weren’t necessarily actively trying when we got pregnant, but we also weren’t preventing anything. So it kind of just happened on the time frame it happened. But the whole pregnancy was pretty textbook, pretty perfect. You know, I didn’t have gestational diabetes. I didn’t have any high blood pressure. I had only–by the time I had her–I’d only gained 25 pounds total and I had her at 36 weeks. Everything looked great. Everything was perfect. I was healthy, to the fact that at 35 weeks pregnant, my doctor cleared me and let me go to Disneyland for the last time. I did a Disney trip at 35 weeks.

Winter 3:38
At 35 weeks! Oh man, so everything was really good. Did anything cross your mind about anything being wrong?

Meghan 3:46
At our 34-week ultrasound, we found out that she was still breech, which was okay. I mean, we were eventually getting to the point where we were going to have to have the talk about having a C-section, just because she wasn’t turning. But we also found out she was measuring in the 10th percentile, so she was measuring small. So the intent was, at my 36-week checkup two weeks later, she was going to schedule for another growth ultrasound to just kind of see if that was a fluke, because they were kind of having a hard time getting measurements on her just via position. And I have a very short torso, so they’re just between my bones, there wasn’t a lot of space to get the measurement on her bones.

Winter 4:22
Gotcha.

Meghan 4:22
So they were going to send me for another ultrasound ,just to check and see if if it was a fluke, or if she really was measuring small, but we didn’t make it that far.

Winter 4:31
Yeah. Did that worry you at all that he was maybe possibly measuring in the 10th percentile?

Meghan 4:38
A little, but the ultrasound tech that did it, had such a hard time getting a measurement on her thigh bone, and that’s the one that they use the most for measurement. So I was just kind of like, you know, it’s probably just the fact that she couldn’t get a true accurate measurement. Like, my belly is measuring normal. Everything else has been fine. I don’t think there’s an issue.

Winter 4:57
Okay. So kind of brushed it off as a possible, like, It’ll be, it’ll be fine…?

Meghan 5:03
We’ll find out. And if she’s still measuring small in two weeks, well, then we’ll talk about maybe delivering early and, you know, she’ll be small, it’ll be fine.

Winter 5:10
Yeah. Okay. Well, then, can you tell us a little bit more about what happened? So you, you went to that the 34-week ultrasound, and then you were planning on coming in for a 36-week ultrasound…and I’m assuming you got checked at 35-weeks. She was fine….?

Meghan 5:25
I didn’t.

Winter 5:26
Oh you didn’t!

Meghan 5:26
I didn’t have an appointment between 34 and 36 weeks. I came back in at 36 weeks for just my regular checkup with my OB, and my husband had come with me, because he was going to get the Tdap shot and at my doctor, if he came with me, they would do it for free. The insurance would cover the whole cost.

Winter 5:43
Yes, perfect.

Meghan 5:44
So he had only come to very few appointments just due to work. It wasn’t easy for him to take off to come. But this was one that he made it to, because he needed to get that vaccine, and so it just made sense. So we went in for the appointment. You know, they took my weight and I had lost almost a whole pound over the course of two weeks, which seemed a little off to me, but I was like, I just spent like three days at Disneyland walking like crazy. So it’s probably fine. It was probably just that I was more active than I had been. Blood pressure was fine. They give him the shot. And then my doctor as he’s about to rush out to leave to go to work, because he couldn’t stay for the whole appointment, my doctor goes, Hold on! Wait wait! Let’s just, let’s have, let’s do the heartbeat and let daddy listen to the heartbeat real quick.

And we don’t know why she decided to do this, but she did. So she gets out the Doppler. She puts it on my stomach. And I can tell that it’s taking longer than it should to find a heartbeat. Obviously, he wasn’t aware, because he hadn’t really been there for all the appointments to know how long it should take her to find it. And so she’s searching and searching and she keeps moving it around. And 30 seconds go by and nothing. And then almost a full minute goes by, and she can’t find anything. And she goes I’m having a hard time finding her heartbeat. I’m going to go grab the ultrasound machine. Comes back in with the ultrasound, puts it on my stomach. Starts at her head, you see her skull, you see her head. Goes down, and as soon as she gets on the chest, I could see that her heart wasn’t beating. I mean, by that point, you’ve seen enough ultrasounds, you know what you’re looking for. You know what it’s going to look like.

And I think it took a minute for my husband to catch up and realize that nothing was moving. And from that point, you know, my doctor said the words nobody wants to hear: I’m so sorry. She has no heartbeat. And I kind of just went into the mode that I’ve gone into with every other tragic event in my life, because my life has been a little intense from 2016 to now. I, in 2016, I lost my grandmother in April and my dad in December. So there’s been a lot of loss in the past couple of years.

Winter 7:48
Yeah, there really has been.

Meghan 7:50
So I went into this mode of just–the same thing I did when they passed away–just needing to get through the logistics. What, what do we do next? What do we do now? What’s the next thing that has to happen? So I didn’t, there was no initial tears, there was just like, Okay, now what?

So she sent us to the hospital. She had already called Labor and Delivery at the hospital and told them to expect us. So when we got there, we go up to Labor and Delivery. They put us in a room and we think, Okay, you know, somebody’s going to come in fairly quickly and do another ultrasound. They’ve got to want to be absolutely sure, because the ultrasound she used in the office was like, you know, it’s a terrible office-quality ultrasound. So, then it’s an hour, almost an hour and a half later, before an ultrasound tech finally comes in.

Winter 8:35
Are you kidding me?

Meghan 8:35
At that point, we’ve both gone, Well, they obviously think there’s no hope of anything. So, I guess we give up. The ultrasound tech comes in, does the ultrasound and obviously they can’t tell you anything.

Winter 8:49
Yeah, it’s not in their purview.

Meghan 8:52
But this ultrasound tech–and I think she did it as a kind of merciful gesture almost–she did not turn the screen away, when she was typing out her findings to send in the report. So she left it where I could see it when she typed, you know, Breech presentation. No fetal heart tones. Consistent with intrauterine fetal demise. She left it where I could see that this is what it is. And everybody that I’ve talked to seems to think that was terrible, but personally for me, I think she was doing it so that we wouldn’t be sitting, left waiting in limbo longer and longer and longer.

Winter 9:27
Yeah, you’d already been there for an hour.

Meghan 9:29
Yeah. So, at that point, they came back. The on-call OB came in, who this is obviously someone I’ve never met. And, you know, he tells us what we already knew. I’m so sorry. She has no heartbeat. Here’s your next options. And so she was, Henley was breech and she had her head pretty far up under my left ribs to the point that even still to this day, my rib cage is bowed out on the left side. Like visibly people can tell that my ribs look different on one side than the other.

Winter 10:02
Really?

Meghan 10:03
Yeah, I have a really, really short torso, so there just wasn’t a whole lot of space. And so my rib cage I, most doctors, I’ve asked and they’re like, Honestly, we don’t ever think it’s going to go back. So that’s like one of the permanent reminders of her.

So he comes in and he tells me, Okay, well, you could be induced, but here’s all of these possible risks confounded, you know, not just the normal risks of being induced with a stillborn baby, but to add to the fact that she’s completely breach. You know, so they went through all the things that could have happened, that I could have tried to be induced, and they could have delivered everything but her head and she could have gotten stuck. All these scary risks, and a lot of them were risks to my ability to have future children. Then they read me the list of risks for going through with a C-section. Those were far less intense. So without really any discussion with anybody, I just kind of sat there and went, Yep, I will have a C-section. No question about it. That’s what we’re going to do.

But then the waiting kind of began for the day. So that was at about nine, like 10:30, 10:30, 11 in the morning–

That you…?

That I finally decided, Okay, I’m gonna have a C-secion. This is what I’m going to do. And I had talked to the on call ob, and he said, okay, but I’m going to call your ob first and just kind of have a discussion with her, tell her what’s going on. A little while later, I get a phone call on the hospital phone in my room, my OB has called me. And she’s talking to me about the situation telling me, you know…I mean, my doctor was fantastic. She, she when she had to tell us that she had no heartbeat, she was crying even though we weren’t. She’s been wonderful throughout the whole thing. So she calls in between patients in clinic she calls and says, You know, I can’t be there right now, but I can be there late tonight. I can come at like 11 o’clock tonight to do your C-section. I have something going on when I leave the office today, because she has a family and children, so it’s understandable, but she says I can come in at 11 o’clock tonight and do it for you if you would rather wait for me.

So that’s what I ended up doing, because I wanted to be with someone I was comfortable with. It’s the person I saw the whole pregnancy. And I felt like having her deliver was more comforting, because she was the one there when we found out. So we kind of just spent the whole day sitting in the waiting–in the hospital room, waiting around.

Winter 12:33
Oh you did?

Meghan 12:34
I did find out, so since I decided to wait until she came in late at night, I hadn’t eaten anything at this point that day because I didn’t have breakfast before my doctor’s appointment. My doctor’s appointment at eight o’clock in the morning. I’m like, we’re going to go in this is gonna be a 30-minute appointment, and then I’ll just go get something to eat afterward.

Winter 12:48
Right.

Meghan 12:49
And so by that point, it was almost noon and I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink. So when I decided that I was going to wait for my doctor, she told me, you know, If you want to eat, you’re allowed to eat until, you know, 12 hours before when she’s going to do the C-section. So I had an hour and a half or so where I can, like, get some food and, and… You know, I had a friend there with me and my husband, and they both thought it was strange that I wanted to eat, and I’m like, But I’m going to feel so terrible if I continue to go the whole rest of this time and don’t eat anything. Like I have to try and eat.

So we kind of just spent the whole day sitting in a hospital room, watching TV, talking. Basically kind of ignoring, I mean, personally for me, I was kind of ignoring the situation. It was like, I have all this weird limbo time that I have to sit in now. And I just can’t think about it. Now, meanwhile, my body knew what was going on. I had started having, you know, mild contractions, like my body had figured it out. I opted not to say anything to the nurses about the fact that I was contracting at all, because I didn’t want to accelerate the process in any way. I wanted to wait for my doctor, so I just didn’t say anything. And it wasn’t like bad enough that like, there was any concern of like imminently going into actual labor.

Winter 14:08
Right. It was just very starting, starting contraction.

Meghan 14:12
My body was definitely starting to figure it out, but it wasn’t very intense or anything. So we kind of spent the whole day just talking and sitting in the room and waiting. And–

Winter 14:22
So Meghan really quickly: so Scott is there. He’s not really been there in for your doctor’s appointments. Not a ton of them it sounds like. So he’s probably shocked, I suspect.

Meghan 14:34
Yeah, we actually had driven two separate cars to my doctor’s appointment, cuz like I said he was supposed to leave and go directly to work. Yeah. We ended up taking just one car from the doctor’s office to the hospital because I was like, I can’t drive, like, it’s not something I can handle right now. And, you know, he just kind of was sitting there, and he just kind of let me decide what was going to happen. He’s like, you know, he’s obviously devastated, but he, I think he felt like whatever I decided to do from that point, was my choice of how it was going to happen. So I didn’t even really discuss my choice to have a C-section with him. I just kind of looked at him and went, This is what I’m doing. And he went, Okay.

Winter 15:15
Well, it’s yes, it does put you in a little bit better position medically.

Meghan 15:19
I feel like, you know, from all the women that I’ve talked to, you know, I’ve met several other parents who have lost their children, even one in town that I’m friends with now, and everybody says the same thing that it’s it’s very unusual that I got the situation I did, where I got to choose that I wanted to have a C-section and I got to choose whether I wanted my doctor to do it or not. Most people don’t have this time where they can just kind of make these decisions.

Winter 15:20
Yeah. That is pretty unique. And so you were sitting in your room just hanging out You say that you were ignoring, kind of ignoring the situation, in a sense. Did you–?

Meghan 15:58
We tried to talk about anything that wasn’t what was happening.

Winter 16:01
So did you contact any family members or anything?

Meghan 16:04
We did. After I made the decision that I was going to wait for my doctor and I was, you know, gonna have a C-section, we kind of called and told some people. I didn’t really call anyone. I kind of left it up to Scott. He called my mom and stepdad, who actually were in California at the time. They had gone on, you know, they were going to, they were going for a weekend away, and they figured it would be the last weekend away before I went into labor. So they were like, We’re going to go now. And you know, they were just going to stay at some hotel. Well, he called them and immediately they drop everything, pack up, and start driving back. So they’ve got a five-hour drive back, which is part of the reason probably that it was good that I decided to wait until later that night, because they got me there.

And then you know, we’ve let some other family members know, some friends. I have one friend that actually, we let her know right away what was going on. She found out just after we had gotten to the hospital, before we even had the ultrasound. At the hospital, we had told her, and she dropped everything, had her husband come pick up her daughter and showed up at the hospital and sat there with us all day. She and her husband went and got Scott’s car from the doctor’s office and drove it back to our house. And then she eventually went home, because we told her, Look, we’re going to be here a long time. We want you to go home. You know, put your daughter to bed. You know, you have things you have to do. And she ended up coming back, which I didn’t know until later. She came back while I was, right before I went into surgery, and was there until like three o’clock in the morning when I finally was like you have to go home. Your baby’s gonna be up in like three hours.

Winter 17:45
Wow, what a friend. That is–that’s awesome. So you waited. Your surgery was planned at 11 o’clock at night.

Meghan 17:52
Well, my doctor got to the hospital about 11 o’clock that night. And they started the prep for surgery and everything. The anesthesia, anesthesiologist came in and talk to me. Kind of did the whole thing. I think we ended up in the actual OR closer to midnight. And then you know, it’s the whole process of them actually numbing you and getting prepped and all of that. And Henley was born at 12:49am on October 3. So we found out the morning of October 2 that she was gone. I had her very early on October 3rd.

Winter 18:24
How was the surgery? Was it okay?

Meghan 18:27
It was fine. I had every reaction to the anesthesia that they say is normal. So the immediate things they warn you about is, you could have a really, really itchy nose. Yup, felt like I wanted to rip my nose off my face. And then because your blood pressure is going to dip, you also probably will get nauseous. Literally, they put the medicine in, laid me down, and like 10 seconds later, I’m like, I feel like I’m gonna throw up. So they had to pump anti-nausea medicine in. And I mean, I obviously had never been through anything like that, so the sensation of just like not being able to feel anything from your rib cage down was very strange.

Winter 19:02
It is very strange. I agree.

Meghan 19:05
But overall, I mean, it wasn’t bad. Just the same terrible situation of any C-section where the baby’s not alive. It’s everybody’s talking, the doctors are talking. There’s all kinds of noise. And then you can tell they get to a point where they’re pulling her out and the room goes silent. No one says anything. It’s just deafeningly silent.

They…I mean…the silence was followed up with, you know, She’s beautiful. I’m so sorry. But it was hard. Sorry.

So neither one of us looked at her initially. They kind of took her. Cleaned her up. They sewed me up and took me back to the room. And then got me all situated. And then they brought her in to us. They kind of they gave us the choice on what we wanted to do. I mean, before we even went into surgery, they had like a long list of things of: Do you want this? Do you want that? You know, do you want us to take pictures? Do you have an outfit you want to her put in? Is there any one specific you want to be here? All the different things that we could have done.

We ended up–Scott had gone home and gotten stuff for us earlier in the day, because obviously, we didn’t even have a hospital bag packed at this point. I still thought I had four weeks to go and it was my first baby. So I’m like, if I even go into labor by then… Like, I wasn’t–everything else was ready–but we hadn’t packed a bag. So he went home with all the stuff and I had him bring an outfit for Henley. And we had a stuffed animal that he brought that he specifically wanted with her. It’s a little Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy.

Winter 20:59
That’s amazing.

Meghan 21:01
It was the first thing that he had bought specifically for her. So they bring us back to the room and they had already taken her and cleaned her up and taken pictures of her for us.

Winter 21:11
Oh, they did! Okay…

Meghan 21:12
And changed her clothes, which we were given all the options, if we wanted to do these things ourselves, but I just, I was mostly afraid of what she was going to look like, that I didn’t know that I wanted to. So I knew I wanted to see her. I knew I wanted to hold her ,but I didn’t know if I wanted to dress her, because I just wasn’t sure, you know, exactly what was going to be. And I mean, we had a pretty good idea of how long she’d been gone at that point.

Winter 21:38
What did they say?

Meghan 21:39
Because the night before I went to the doctor, I was laying on the couch and about 9pm and my placenta was in the front, so we couldn’t usually like see her kicks like from across the room or anything. But there were these intense crazy kicks that Scott could see from across the couch. And it was crazy. That’s the last time I for sure know she moved. Well come to find out the thing that doctors don’t tell everyone, is that erratic and extra intense movements, can be a sign of distress. And had I known this and gone to the hospital immediately, we may have had a different outcome in the end. So this is something that I pass on to every woman I know that’s pregnant now. Like, your doctor is not going to tell you this and I don’t mean to sound scary, but you need to know this.

Winter 22:27
Yeah. Yeah. So you think it was the night before basically on the 1st?

Meghan 22:31
Sometime between 10, 10:30pm on October 1. And when we went to the doctor at 8am on October 2. So she had only been gone at most like a day and a half by the time I had her. And because, you know, I know after the fact now that because I had a C section she came out looking a lot more perfect than had I delivered her naturally. I mean, there’s just ,there’s less trauma, if they go through that way.

Winter 23:03
Exactly.

Meghan 23:04
So they brought her in and had her all dressed up and I held her. And you know, the first thing we noticed is that, like I said, we had noticed in an ultrasound, because we’d had a 3D 4D ultrasound at like 30 weeks, but immediately everybody, you know, my, my husband and me both are like, It’s my nose. My nose…my nose is very turned up. And it’s from my dad’s side. Apparently, it’s a very, very strong genetic trait, because my dad had it. I have it. My half-brother has it. And it passed right on to Henley.

And, you know, we took, we took a little bit of time. I held her. Scott just…I asked him if he wanted to hold her and he just couldn’t. He just didn’t feel like he could. I did be slightly pushy and I made him come in next to me and have a picture taken, so that we at least had one or two pictures of the three of us. Even Now I regret that I didn’t call Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to come take really great quality photos, it just wasn’t something that was like, my mind was able to process that I should have done at that point in time. They had given me the paper with their phone number. But in that whole thing happening, you don’t really think about that. I honestly never would have even thought to bring her clothes, except for my friend that was there with us–it’s actually her neighbor, that has also lost a child–and she had actually, when she found out, she had immediately called her neighbor and gone, What do I need to tell her to do?

Winter 24:33
That’s awesome. That was so smart.

Meghan 24:35
Her neighbor lost a baby at 34 weeks, and it was about a year and a half ago. So she, still fresh, but like was able to tell her, Okay, you’re gonna want to tell her to take all the pictures, to bring an outfit for her to…you know, all these things that you don’t think about in the moment, and she didn’t think about in the moment, but she’s basing them off things she regrets or things that somebody else told her, that I’m so grateful that somebody told me, you know. It’s so helpful to have somebody that can actually be like, No, I’ve been there. And this is what you need to know.

Winter 25:09
Let’s try…yeah, you will, you’ll want this. Yeah.

Meghan 25:12
So we only had Henley in our room for probably 20 or 30 minutes. We actually gave the opportunity for my mom and stepdad, who were the only other–I had the one friend at the hospital and my mom and stepdad were there–we gave the opportunity for them to meet her, but I didn’t want them to meet her in the room with me. I just didn’t know how I would do seeing that. So they had another room right next to me that they could have brought Henley into, and my mom and stepdad could’ve met her in there. My mom and stepdad actually chose not to. I haven’t really asked the reasoning behind that. It was their choice I left to them.

Winter 25:48
It was their choice. Yeah.

Meghan 25:49
So, the nurses eventually, you know, we decided, Okay, you know, we’re ready to let her go. You know, gave her a final kiss and they took her. After that point, they actually took her in the other room. And we know now, that they took hand and footprints. They did them, you know, in ink. They did them into clay that was then given back to us later. And we have these really special things that, I guess we’re one of the first from the hospital that they’re actually started doing it, they’re three-dimensional molds of her hand and her foot.

Winter 26:24
That’s awesome.

Meghan 26:25
So, you know, you can see every detail, and her little hand is curved, so like you could put your finger in. And they took a bunch of pictures. And so we have all that stuff now. And then I was actually given the option to leave the hospital that night, the night of the third.

Winter 26:44
Really?

Meghan 26:45
So very quickly. I chose to stay overnight. Just because I didn’t want to go home at night. I was like, I’d rather go home–we have a roommate–and I decided I’d rather go home while he’s at work. I’d rather transition back into being at home while he’s not there. So waited and stayed one more night. And then the process of getting discharged was a little iffy, because they have to get your vitals in a certain area to be able to discharge you. Well, obviously, my blood pressure was high, because hi, traumatic experience. And then they kept having problems getting my oxygen level to be good. Well, they keep coming in, they’re trying to take my oxygen level, after somebody had said something that sent me crying. Well, clearly, I’m not breathing properly, because I’m crying.

Winter 27:34
Yeah.

Meghan 27:36
So eventually, we got everything. Okay. And I went home that Friday at about 11am. So I was only in the hospital from Wednesday at like 930 in the morning till Friday at 11am.

Winter 27:49
But it’s a C-section. Holy cow. I can’t believe they. They’re like, You can go home.

Meghan 27:54
Yeah, I was impressed that they would let me go home that soon.

Winter 27:57
Yeah, I–usually it’s a little bit longer than that.

Meghan 28:00
I was up walking, probably four hours after the C-section. They had me up and walking and so they were, you know, I had ticked off all the boxes of the things they need you to be able to do before you can go home.

Winter 28:14
Were you feeling okay?

Meghan 28:16
I was sore, but overall, yeah, I was okay. We found out through this process that I can’t have toradol, because that makes my nose itch terribly. So two doses of that, I went, No more! So, you know, I mean, I left the hospital on just ibuprofen, you know, 800 milligram ibuprofen, but ibuprofen nonetheless. And I mean, the recovery wasn’t horrible. I think part of that is, you know, it’s much easier to recover from a C-section when you’re not taking care of somebody else.

Winter 28:46
Yeah, yes. Yeah, that’s so true. Now, Meghan, can you tell me a little bit about Henley’s name? How did you choose her name?

Meghan 28:55
So her first name was picked out before she ever even was a thought. Scott I had watched a movie called “Now You See Me” and the main character that’s female, her name is Henley. And we both had just looked at each other, and we’re like, That’s what we’re naming a baby!

We hadn’t even talked about having children at this point. But that’s what it was. And so we chose her name then. And as soon as we found out, we were pregnant, I was like, I know it’s a girl. I know it’s a girl. And everybody’s like, Okay. We had an ultrasound at just before 15 weeks. We paid for one, because I was too eager to know.l I could not wait. And we found out she was a girl. And so immediately, she had a first name, she did not have a middle name until she was born. I had wanted her middle name to be Ryan. But I spent a lot of time bothered by the fact that like her first name is kind of gender-neutral. And so if I give her a boy’s name as a middle name, is she going to be that kid in school where they’re reading the attendance list, and nobody’s going to know if that’s a boy or a girl. So then I thought about spelling Ryan differently. I thought about spelling it with R-Y-A-N-N, so that screamed female, but I didn’t really love that. So after everything happened, we knew that all of my fears weren’t going to be a factor about her name. I said forget it. I made me here what I want and just went with it. So her middle name is just spelled just like any other Ryan.

Winter 29:08
Really? Okay!

Okay, that’s awesome. I was wondering, I was like that’s just kind of a unique name so… Yeah, it’s always tricky, right, names? So you…

Meghan 30:27
You kind of immediately go to: Okay, what are they going to get teased about with this name?

Winter 30:32
Yep, that’s exactly right.

Meghan 30:35
Or you don’t want to be me, who my name is Meghan. But it’s not spelled exactly the way everyone else spells it and you have to spell your name for everyone forever.

Winter 30:43
Yes, forever. It is what it is, right? I have a name “Winter” and everybody’s like, What? Yes, like the season. So you guys headed home, and did you end up having an autopsy? Was there any sort of conclusion about what happened?

Meghan 31:04
They gave us the option for an autopsy, which initially we wanted to, but then we found out that insurance doesn’t cover it. It would have cost us $3,000. So we decided, you know, I talked to my doctor, and she said, Realistically with everything I’ve seen after looking at her, after looking at the placenta, I don’t think there’s a high likelihood that an autopsy is going to give you an answer. And at that point, we were just like, Well, then it’s not–we’re not going to spend the money on it.

Winter 31:32
So even just the visual, the first, I mean, just basically looking at her once over, looking at the placenta, they didn’t have any conclusions either there?

Meghan 31:39
The only thing she came up with initially, is that she had a very, very short umbilical cord. So when they did the C-section, they pulled Henley out, she barely had enough cord to put her onto my stomach before she delivered the placenta. Her record was really, really short, and it wasn’t coiled as much as it should have been, because it was so short. So realistically the best guess on what we think happened, is that as she was trying to turn from breach, she was compressing her umbilical cord, because it was so short and that’s why she was measuring small. And I guess I should mention that in the end when she was born at 36 weeks, she was 18 and a half inches long, which is pretty normal for that gestation, but she was only four pounds 10 ounces. So she was almost two pounds too small.

Winter 32:26
Yeah. For being thirty…36 weeks. Yeah.

Meghan 32:31
So they think that as she was trying to turn, she was compressing the cord, and that’s why she had started measuring small, because she had compressed it somewhat, but was still getting some blood flow. And they think that just that night when after I felt her move last they think she just compressed it completely…

Winter 32:45
So much. Yeah. Oh. Okay. So that’s what they think happened.

Meghan 32:50
After the fact now, I’ve actually gone to see a genetic counselor and a high-risk specialist, just to prepare for the next time, to know, you know, what, what, what can we do if there’s anything different. Is there anything I should be doing, shouldn’t be doing. And they’ve labeled it as intrauterine growth restriction, cuz she was so small and they’ve labeled it as partially, a placental insufficiency. They think that my placenta was just starting to kind of crap out too early. But they didn’t really test anything. So they’re not positive.

We’re also running…we, they ran some blood tests on me in the hospital for clotting disorders, and I came back negative for all of those. But currently, I actually went for bloodwork yesterday. They’re running just like the huge panel of all the things just to see. And we’re also running genetic carrier screening, just to make sure. The genetic counselor, the high-risk doctor, and my doctor don’t think we’re going to find anything. And they do not think there was a genetic component to anything. You know, basically my doctor just said, as horrible as this is, it’s just a random, terrible occurrence. Nothing to be done to prevent it, nothing to be done to change it. It’s just like, you know, crappy luck, actually. So they’re running all these things, but they don’t, they don’t think they’re gonna find anything. It’s more just for peace of mind to know that, like, we’ve checked off all the boxes. Everything comes back normal.

Winter 34:14
Yeah. Did you have any genetic testing but done beforehand?

Meghan 34:18
I did not.

Winter 34:18
Okay. Okay. So this will be kind of the–

Meghan 34:20
I had opted not to during pregnancy. At the beginning, you know they offer you to do the early genetic testing, and I kind of had the mindset, you know, to me, it’s not going to matter what they find, so I’m just not going to do it. It’s not going to change what’s going on for me. Now, the next time I get pregnant, all the tests, all the time!

Winter 34:39
All of it, we’re doing it all.

Meghan 34:41
Anything you wanna do, do it!

Winter 34:42
Well, I was going to say, yeah, I was gonna say now that you’ve had the stillbirth and it’s…yeah, it puts you in a different category now and so you’re gonna check all the things!

Meghan 34:49
The wonders of I am immediately a high-risk patient the next time I’m pregnant.

Winter 34:54
Yeah, exactly.

Meghan 34:55
First pregnancy and now every subsequent will be considered high risk.

Winter 35:00
When you get home then, how was being home? Did you guys start planning any funeral services or memorial services?

Meghan 35:07
We decided not to have any kind of a funeral, just not something that either of us really wanted. We had her cremated, which that process was more dramatic than it needed to be with the funeral home. It took an excessively long amount of time, and there were issues where, you know, I called and called and called, trying to get information.. Nobody gave me information. It was just a whole mess. It took like three and a half weeks before we got her back. And actually, I found out from the certificate of cremation, that she had been cremated five days prior to the day they finally told me that we could go pick her up. It was a mess.

Winter 35:47
Oh. Did you, do…so you… no funeral services. You had her cremated. You did get her back though.

Meghan 35:53
We did.

Winter 35:55
And she just at home and with you guys?

Meghan 35:57
We actually just–yeah, I mean, we got…when we got her back, they just kind of had given the urn that they give for free, because the funeral home we went through is one locally that does things, that any baby under the age of two, they’ll cremate for just the state fee. So the $10 or whatever you have to pay for the state. They don’t charge for it, which is why we went through them because after this whole experience, it’s, I mean, it’s a lot of money that you didn’t expect to be spending

Winter 36:25
Yes, it’s so, it’s so..it’s like a rude wake up. It’s like what?! I have to–what?!

Meghan 36:30
We went from expecting $1,000 copay for a delivery to $4,000 in copays for a C-section and it happening four weeks earlier than we anticipated.

So, it was kind of crazy. So she came home in the urn they gave us, which we didn’t really love so we eventually purchased another one and it’s shaped like a castle. My husband picked it, because it makes him think of Disneyland.

Winter 36:56
Yeah. I love that.

Meghan 36:58
So her earn And you know, all of her hand and footprints and molds and everything are just kind of on the dresser in her nursery. Because I was 36-weeks pregnant. We had an entire room ready. You know, clothes washed and put in the dresser, diapers out, everything totally ready. So that just seemed like the right place for her to be. Eventually I’m sure we will do something else, because we’re very hopeful that there will be another baby to actually use that nursery. But for now, that’s just what feels right.

Winter 37:39
Do you go hang out in her nursery?

Meghan 37:42
I do. I actually sit in her rocking chair in there ,and I have a little journal that I write letters to her and it’s just…you know, about nothingness. Just about what’s happening that day or whatever, but makes me feel close to her. Cuz you know, the chair that I bought with the intention of–well it was purchased for me–but with the intention of getting to rock her, and we don’t get to. So that’s what is comforting. We also have a weighted teddy bear that’s weighted to her birth weight and sometimes I’ll just sit in there with that. But otherwise, we keep the door shut. You know, it’s the one room in the house. we keep the dogs out of.

Winter 38:24
It’s kind of a special area.

Meghan 38:28
Preserved.

Winter 38:28
Yeah, this is her room. This is her room.

Meghan 38:33
It’s actually connected to the room I’m sitting in currently by a bathroom. So it’s just the other side of the bathroom next to me.

Winter 38:40
Well, thank you for sharing that story. I can’t imagine.

Meghan 38:45
Thanks for letting me talk about her.

Winter 38:46
Well, we always want to talk about are our kids, right? I mean, I always want to talk about my son, so… Is there anything else you want to say to remember about her?

Meghan 38:59
I mean, just that, we just like everybody else, we wish things could have been different. But we’re so thankful for the time that we did have. You know, I got 36 weeks of having her with me, which is something that I would never trade. Even though the end was horrible, I would never trade getting that time with her.

Winter 39:21
Yeah. Thank you so much, Meghan.

So many thanks to Meghan for being vulnerable and sharing your beautiful story of Henley with us. Head over to our website StillAPartofUs.com, where you can find the show notes including a full transcript of this interview and any resources that were mentioned, where you can sign up for our short and helpful email newsletter, where you can learn how you can become a patron and support the work it takes to produce this show for just a few dollars a month, and lastly, where you can find out how to get in touch with us if you want to share your child’s story on the show.

The show is produced and edited by Winter and Lee Redd. Thanks to Josh Woodward for letting us use his song “Flickering Flame”. You can find them at JoshWoodward.com. Lastly, subscribe to this podcast and share it with their friends that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us, they’re still a part of us.

Lee 40:38
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Ashleigh Brilliant

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Filed Under: birth story, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: c-section, stillbirth, stillborn

12: Lindsay’s story of Sadie’s birth, stillborn at 32 weeks due to cord accident

October 1, 2019 by Winter

Mom Lindsay recounts how she and her husband Matt were living in the United Arabic Emirates when they found our that their first child, Sadie Amelia, died in the womb due to a cord accident, and how they traveled back to the United States to give birth to their daughter at 32 weeks.

Sadie Amelia's feet. She was stillborn at 32 weeks.
Sadie Amelia’s feet
…

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Filed Under: birth story, late term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: cord accident, stillbirth, stillborn

09: Lacie’s story of Summer’s birth, subchorionic bleeding, vaginal delivery at 20 weeks

September 1, 2019 by Winter

In this birth story podcast interview, mom Lacie tells of past infertility and how they discovered a subchorionic hemorrhage early in her 1st pregnancy, but the bleeding never fully resolved. Despite feeling “out of the woods” at her 20 week anatomy scan, Lacie’s water broke and she delivered her daughter, Summer, via vaginal birth at 20 weeks and 5 days. Summer died either prior to delivery or during delivery.

Lacie’s and Erik’s daughter, Summer, who was stillborn at 20 weeks and 5 days
…

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Filed Under: birth story, early term stillbirth, podcast episode, stillbirth Tagged With: stillbirth, stillborn, subchorionic bleed, subchorionic hemorrhage

07: Scott’s story of Alice’s birth, eclampsia and necrotizing enterocolitis

August 15, 2019 by Winter

In this birth story podcast interview, dad Scott tells how his wife Jan developed eclampsia at 32 weeks pregnant with their daughter Alice and delivered her via emergency C-section. Because Alice was premature, she was diagnosed with necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) and died 55 days later due to complications of NEC.

Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission, which helps support our show. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

…

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Filed Under: birth story, infant death, podcast episode, postneonatal infant death (28-364 days) Tagged With: dad interview, eclampsia, infant death, infant loss, infant mortality, NEC, necrotizing enterocolitis

05: Jan’s eclampsia and Alice’s birth, necrotizing enterocolitis

August 15, 2019 by Winter

In this birth story podcast interview, mom Jan tells how she developed eclampsia at 32 weeks pregnant with her daughter Alice and delivered her via emergency C-section. Because Alice was premature, she was diagnosed with necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) and died 55 days later due to complications of NEC.

Painting Jesus Christ holding and looking at baby Alice
Jesus Christ holding Alice (Art by Megan Warren, commissioned by Jan and Scott)

Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission, which helps support our show. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

In this episode, Jan tells us:

  • A little bit about herself and her husband, Scott
  • How her pregnancy was rather uneventful up to 32 weeks
  • That at 32 weeks, her vision started tunneling, which was a sign of eclampsia, and went to the hospital, where she started seizing and delivered Alice via emergency C-section
  • How Alice did in the NICU
  • When they got to bring Alice home and her personality
  • When Alice was brought back to the hospital due complications of necrotizing enterocolitis and died within 24 hours
  • About Alice’s funeral
…

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Filed Under: birth story, infant death, podcast episode, postneonatal infant death (28-364 days) Tagged With: eclampsia, infant death, infant loss, infant mortality, NEC, necrotizing enterocolitis

03: Jeff’s birth story of Jeff Jr, bilateral renal agenesis

August 1, 2019 by Winter

Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission, which helps support our show. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

…

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Filed Under: birth story, early neonatal infant death (<7 days), infant death, podcast episode Tagged With: bilateral renal agenesis, birth story, infant death, infant loss, infant mortality

01: Bre’s birth story of Jeff Jr, bilateral renal agenesis

August 1, 2019 by Winter

Disclosure: Some of the links within these show notes are affiliate links, which means that if you choose to make a purchase, we will earn a commission, which helps support our show. This commission comes at no additional cost to you, our wonderful listener!

…

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Filed Under: birth story, early neonatal infant death (<7 days), infant death, podcast episode Tagged With: bilateral renal agenesis, birth story, infant death, infant mortality

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We're Winter and Lee Redd. Because of our sweet son Brannan who was stillborn at 38 weeks, we created this place where other moms and dads can share the birth story of their baby that was stillborn or who died in infancy.

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