Still a Part of Us

early term stillbirth

Our Experience Losing Our Stillborn Son During COVID-19 Pandemic | ADVICE

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Parents Bianca and Michael share their experience of delivering their stillborn son Jalen during the restrictions of the COVID-19 pandemic. They also share things that have helped them grieve and mourn and celebrate their son, who was stillborn at 20 weeks and 6 days. They also share some helpful things that people did for them, who were supporting them, and they also share what NOT to say to a parent who has just experienced a stillbirth.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

0:00 Jalen
1:30 They knew
2:23 Only three weeks
5:40 Memory Table
6:23 Necklace
8:18 the weirdest places
11:20 Virtual Counseling Group
14:28 Journal
15:15 Jalen’s brother
17:01 Due date
18:02 Things not to say
19:40 You have two others
21:01 “Vacation”
25:33 Are you okay?
27:25 Prayers
28:12 Triggers
30:33 Last piece of advice

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You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen Michael’s (Bianca’s husband) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
  • Watch/listen Bianca’s (Michael’s wife) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
Baby Jalen

Full Transcription:

Full Transcription:

Winter  0:00  

We are back today with both Bianca and Michael on our advice episode for Still A Part of Us. I just want to say thank you again, Bianca and Michael, for telling your son Jalen’s story to us today. That was super special. We really- I, it was very emotional. I’m grateful that you are willing to come on so soon after his passing. So thank you. Thank you again, for coming on.

Michael  0:27  

Thank you.

Winter  0:27  

As to give some context to our listeners, when was Jalen born?

Bianca  0:32  

So Jalen was born on February 1st of 2021.

Winter  0:36  

That, at the time of this recording everybody, that was just a little over a month ago. So this is very new for them. This is very, very raw for them. So thank you so much for coming on. It’s been just a little over a month. Tell me how that has been. As you guys have moved throughout your regular normal routines. How has that been to try and get back into life?

Bianca  0:59  

For me? Um, it’s been very challenging. I do have my days of feeling down and defeated and feeling hopeless. Then I have my days where they’re good days, and I’m able to smile. 

Winter  1:16  

Yeah. How about you, Michael? 

Michael  1:18  

For me, every day is different. One day, I can be perfect. The next day seems like I don’t want to do anything. 

Winter  1:25  

Yeah.

Michael  1:25  

It seems like me and Bianca are just staring at the wall constantly asking why.

Winter  1:30  

Yeah. 

Michael  1:30  

Every time we turn around it seems like we have to tell someone new our story because they knew we were expecting another one. Or just they’re asking, which I understand they are asking a lot of questions. But sometimes it’s just like, I can’t, I could just tell you the A through Z, but I can’t tell you the rest of the alphabet, right now. 

Winter  1:50  

The why yeah. 

Michael  1:50  

It’s just too hard. 

Winter  1:51  

Yeah, that’s probably the worst part. I think when people are like, so happy. They’re so happy for you. And they are expecting to hear good news. And you have the complete opposite. It’s because they feel terrible about asking the question, I’m sure you’ve seen that before. And I’m wondering, did you guys take some time off from work? It sounds like Bianca, you’ve been working from home. So were you able to take any time off any sort of maternity leave or FMLA or anything like that?

Bianca  2:23  

So I was able to take three weeks off. One week for the surgery. 

Winter  2:31  

Oh, okay. 

Bianca  2:32  

Which was before, 

Winter  2:33  

Right. 

Bianca  2:34  

I had Jalen, and then two weeks after I gave birth I had off. So I have three weeks total. In the state of Massachusetts. I didn’t qualify for maternity leave, because my baby was under 24 weeks, and he was not born alive. Had he been born alive. I would have qualified, but because he had passed before he was born, we didn’t qualify. 

Winter  2:34  

Oh.

Bianca  2:46  

I did not get- I only got the three grievance days. Then everything else was basically like PTO. 

Winter  3:11  

Oh, that is a– that’s a punch in the gut, isn’t it?

Bianca  3:18  

It was. It really was because it’s like you’re already going through enough. It’s like, I gave birth but yeah, my baby is not here. Right. You would think they would have something in place for situations like that. Yeah, so you’re still going through the same process as a mother that had given birth to a baby that was born alive.

It’s just that, you know, our babies were born sleeping and we’re still going through the same, the same feeling of lactating and you’re going, you’re going to be still bleeding and you’re still going to the physical pain. Your body just went through a traumatic experience. You just gave birth and I’m going to have the same feelings of like, you know, body wise. 

Winter  4:13  

Yeah.

Bianca  4:14  

I still need time to heal. So, I just didn’t understand that whole concept of like, what they thought it was like, just because he wasn’t born alive. You know? That was hard for me. 

Winter  4:28  

Oh, it is. It feels like such an injustice. You’re just like, I don’t have a baby to have this justified. Yep, the bleeding and the lactating. It’s just It feels like a second- It’s just a second hurt to it all. I’m assuming Michael, you probably weren’t able to take any time off either or, you know, didn’t qualify for any additional bereavement time?

Michael  4:58  

I didn’t- I did not. So, when I told my boss what happened on that Sunday, she immediately said take the week, don’t even show up. Don’t worry about anything. We’ll take it from there. I wanted to take longer, but since Mass. didn’t see it as worthy for paternal. She’s going to take her maternity leave. I felt like I had to go. I wasn’t fully mentally there. 

Winter  5:24  

Yeah. 

Michael  5:24  

But I had to be the one to go back to work.

Winter  5:28  

Since you guys have been. It’s just been so recent. And I realized that you will develop other things that you do to kind of celebrate Jalen’s life. But what have you guys done so far to honor him?

Michael  5:40  

The memory table that we have in his memory is huge. It feels like my stuff just got pushed off to the side now. He’s just, he’s everywhere. I’ve got clothes. I’ve got Build a Bear bears around here. Those candle lights that you just hit with the light and it will come on, pictures hanging everywhere. 

Winter  6:01  

Yeah. 

Michael  6:02  

He really seems like he’s here with us. 

Winter  6:05  

That’s great. I think that’s awesome. That’s in your room is that right? 

Michael  6:10  

Yeah. 

Winter  6:10  

So and then, if you didn’t get to hear what they have on their memory table, and like in their memory box, you should listen to the birth episode that Bianca and Michael have talked about. It sounds like you guys have kind of a little a lot of tokens. You also have necklaces that you guys wear. Can you describe the necklace a little bit more?

Bianca  6:32  

Yep. So it is a mom holding a baby or cradling a baby in her arms. Then it has some diamonds. It’s a heart shape. 

Winter  6:42  

That’s awesome. 

Bianca  6:43  

And it’s actually like you can put ashes in it. Oh, so it’s like an urn. 

Winter  6:48  

Yeah. 

Bianca  6:49  

I don’t want to touch the- I don’t put the ashes in it. Because he was so little. 

Winter  6:54  

Yeah.

Bianca  6:55  

I don’t want to tamper with his urn that we already have. 

Winter  6:59  

Right.

Bianca  7:00  

So I just wear this in remembrance of him. And I leave his ashes alone. 

Winter  7:00  

Yes. 

Bianca  7:06  

Yeah. I don’t want anyone touching that.

Winter  7:10  

Yeah, I wouldn’t either. I would be like, no, no, don’t nope. Don’t mess with my son. You guys work? You have two children. I’m sure you’re quite busy. But how do you take time to set aside some time to mourn because it is so new and so raw? And so it’s just so terrible. I’m just curious to know how you guys are handling the grieving process.

Michael  7:36  

Really, whenever I guess we find time, or that sucks, but that’s more or less like we’ll do it when we’re cooking. When we’re just laying in bed not really doing anything. It sucks. Because when you’re when you don’t want to mourn is when you’re more like she’ll wake up at 3am crying and I’m like, I guess I’m up with you. 

Winter  7:57  

Yeah.

Michael  7:58  

Consoling you. It just happens very randomly. We I want to mourn and it’s like, okay, I guess I’m not right now. 

Winter  8:07  

Yeah.

Winter  8:07  

I’m gonna be doing something like, oh, here we go.

Winter  8:09  

Yeah. Isn’t that so funny? I did not expect that to be starting to cry right in the middle of the grocery store or whatever. Right?

Michael  8:16  

Right, right.

Bianca  8:18  

Yeah. So for me, it comes in like, the weirdest times like, it just comes out of nowhere. Like, it just hits me. I can be working and I’m fine. I was just laughing and then I get so emotional. I think seeing baby boys is very triggering for me. I will see a baby boy and then I’m just like, gosh, like, get it together, get it together. Then we have because of this whole COVID thing, we have to wear masks going out. So it’s like I’ll have my mask on, but you can see tears coming down like trying to wipe my face.

But it’s so hard. Seeing like, baby boys or going into a Walmart or Target and I’m only supposed to go grocery shopping. Then you know, the baby aisle is right there. So like you’re, you see the stuff and you’re like, man, this is just I didn’t think it was gonna be this hard. But even this is probably why I don’t go out anymore.

Like I try not to leave the house and go to stores. I’ll just order online because seeing baby things is very emotional for me, especially after a long day of dealing with the kids. Once I have time to like, wind down, my mind starts wandering. Then I start to feel myself thinking and asking myself why, or that it should be different. 

Michael  9:44  

It’s really hard going places. She has her appointments that she has a follow up for postpartum. Unfortunately, I can’t go but when the doctor calls I say listen, she can’t sit in the waiting room with pregnant women. You’re going to have to –When she’s outside, she can call but she has to bring her in back door front, straight into the room. I don’t care how it happens, but you can’t, she can’t sit in there. 

Winter  10:08  

Oh, that is actually a great piece of advice too, because it really is a trigger like it is. It is so hard to see all of those things that just remind you that you’re not pregnant and that you lost a baby. And it is, that is a really smart idea, Michael, good job. You look. Good job standing up for your wife. Like that’s awesome.

Um, you did mention that you have Bianca go to or, quote unquote, go to I’m assuming zoom meetings for like a counseling group. Do you attend Michael too or is it? I’m not sure. Is it just for mom or dad also? 

Michael  10:48  

I attend. I’m not on the camera. I’m sitting there next to her. 

Winter  10:51  

That’s great. 

Michael  10:53  

I wasn’t not fully there yet ready to sit, or tell my side of the story because not most men don’t. 

Winter  11:01  

Yeah.

Michael  11:01  

But I am there with her.

Winter  11:04  

That’s great. Well, just some of the stuff I at least for the counseling groups that we’ve gone to has been, they just bring up things to think about and how you can process it. So I think it works. Regardless if you’re on camera or not. 

Michael  11:18  

Definitely 

Winter  11:20  

Bianca what are so of the things– both of you actually, what are some of the things that has helped by attending or listening in on those counseling groups or those grief groups?

Bianca  11:28  

It is, the biggest one for me is that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. I have a very strong support system, I will say that, but for me, it’s like my support, like some of the people in my support system, have never gone through what I went through. So it’s very hard to put yourself in a place where you really don’t know what to say, or how to say it. So I think there’s a theory like, okay, well, the baby’s not here, or everything happens for a reason, right? But my baby, you know, mattered to me.

So I feel like going to those support groups allowed me to feel that it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. I’m entitled to feel how I feel, regardless of what anyone says, because there was some someone that mattered to me, my son mattered. I’m entitled to, you know, express my emotions for him, because it only expresses the love that I had for him. 

Winter  12:36  

Yeah.

Bianca  12:36  

Me crying, and, you know, the pain that I felt was all love. It’s all out of love. And so, you know, if I make you uncomfortable, then I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry, actually. You know, this is how I feel. And you are entitled to feel that way. And I feel like it really helped me also, with, you know, going throughout everyday life and knowing that I’m not alone. Like there’s many other women in this world, that have gone through the same similar, you know, situations and we can all stand together.

Know that, you know, day by day, not gonna say it’s easy, but you know, step by step, it definitely gets easier and bearable, I would say. And manageable. Like I now know, before, like the first couple of weeks, it was just like, I was crying every day. And then I felt like crying. I went longer periods without crying. And you know, I have my days where I completely break down. But it’s manageable. And it’s okay. 

Winter  13:45  

It’s definitely a process. And it’s not linear. It feels like some days you’re like, I’m making some good progress. Then you’re like, oh, just kidding. Next day back to where you started. It feels like so. Right? 

Bianca  13:56  

Yeah. 

Winter  13:57  

Is there anything that you guys do, or have been able to do to kind of physically escape things that you like to do to distract yourself? I’m just curious, because some people like to have an out sometimes because I think grieving, sometimes it feels like you should grieve or cry all the time to feel close to your son. That’s the way I felt actually, when my son passed away. I realized I couldn’t sustain that. I just couldn’t sustain that. So is there anything that you guys do to try and have an out? Give yourself a break? I guess.

Bianca  14:28  

Yeah, I journal.

Winter  14:30  

Oh, good.

Bianca  14:31  

Pen and paper, get my thoughts out whatever I’m feeling in that moment, writing it down on pen and paper and seeing it has helped me. I’m not one to really talk about how I’m feeling because I feel like no one really gets me and they don’t understand what I’m going through in this moment.

So writing it out, I feel like is equivalent to me talking to somebody that gets me. I’m able to say exactly how I feel even if what I’m feeling right now is I’m angry, I will write angry across the paper and put all the reasons why I feel that I’m angry because this is just how I feel in this moment. Then seeing it on paper and letting it out makes me feel so much better because I’m just like, I let it out. And I no longer have that feeling inside of me, you know what I mean?

Winter  15:22  

Yes, for sure. Writing is so therapeutic. And you’re right, I think that there’s– we have a great support system as well. But having somebody that you feel like can understand you is really super important. There’s not very many people that have had the same experiences you have, or I have, and so yes, having a journal, writing it out is super great. 

Bianca  15:45  

Definitely. 

Winter  15:46  

It’s so helpful. How about you, Michael, anything that you do to release, or maybe even just check out for a second? To give yourself a rest?

Michael  15:55  

Yeah, definitely. My son definitely. Does it for me. 

Winter  15:58  

Oh, really? 

Michael  15:59  

Yeah, he’ll say dad,let’s go watch something.? Dad, can we go here? Dad let’s go play together. Just anything. I’m just like, okay, I appreciate you. Even though he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. 

Winter  16:10  

Yeah.

Michael  16:10  

He definitely-

Winter  16:11  

-Is helping

Michael  16:13  

 He draws my mind somewhere else. So that definitely, definitely helps.

Winter  16:16  

That’s great. You guys, you got a buddy right there. Taking care of you, for sure. You guys have talked about when you had his funeral, you actually went to a park afterward and did a balloon release. You’ve talked about Valentine’s Day, because that was the first holiday right after he passed away. And you guys wrote a letter to him or wrote cards to him for somebody that was far away. Like, I really loved that sentiment.

What other things are you guys going to try to do to celebrate? I know that that’s, I mean, there’s still a lot of things that are coming up. But you know, you do talk about his due date, and there will be a first birthday and there will be, you know, all of these things that are coming up. Have you guys thought through any more things that you’d like to try and do?

Bianca  17:01  

So for him, for my due date, which is coming up on June 14, I want to get away, like, we’re gonna plan a little family vacation that weekend. 

Winter  17:16  

Good. 

Bianca  17:17  

My due date is on a Monday. We’re gonna try to go away for the weekend. Like, even if it’s like Saturday through Monday, or something just to be away and be with each other. Because it’s definitely going to be hard. We may do like a balloon release for him. And like, you know, I know, we were gonna do family photos together.

I was planning on bringing his little urn to include him in there. Probably like a balloon for him. Like, just to, like, keep him in our memory. I don’t know, it’s gonna be tough, but I feel like it definitely, it’ll be worth it. It’ll be something that we can remember him by.

Winter  18:02  

Yeah, those holidays, you will, you will find are tricky. They can be just going to warn you Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Those are tricky. So just kind of keep that in mind if you approach them. Bianca and Mike, these are questions I like to ask every single episode of the advice, because I think a lot of people that are supporting lost moms and lost dads want to know what to say and what not to say.

So is there anything that you would recommend people maybe not say in that has or something that somebody said to you that maybe hurt you that you were like, oh, that was probably not the best thing to say. So something that they shouldn’t say? And then if there’s anything that you really liked, that somebody said to you that you’re like that that was helpful, that helps me get through this?

Bianca  18:53  

Yeah, so for me, I would say the one thing that I hated the most was telling me everything happens for a reason, because you’re telling me this, but I can’t grasp the concept, or the reason behind why it happened. I get it, and I understand a lot of people don’t know what to say.

I’ve told many people if you don’t know what to say, just don’t say anything. Just give me a hug. You know, like, um, that would be the best thing you can do for me, but I’ve had everything happens for a reason, or at least you weren’t far along. 

Winter  19:35  

Oh.

Bianca  19:36  

Don’t say that. You don’t say stuff like that. 

Winter  19:39  

Yeah.

Michael  19:40  

For me the one that kicked me was at least you have two others. 

Winter  19:44  

Oh, yeah. 

Michael  19:46  

That was a real like, don’t taunt me to choose who– which kid is more important to me. 

Winter  19:54  

That’s a great way of putting it. 

Michael  19:56  

Yeah, I don’t need that. I also think people should just listen. So when I told everybody she was pregnant, every time someone asked me how she was or like what happened? Like she gave birth and they immediately said, congratulations. Then I’d be like, it was- hold on it was it was a stillbirth.

That one hurt me the most because I got it all the time because people are like, oh, we went to the hospital and everybody knew I was in the delivery ward. Everyone was oh, congratulations. I’m like, it wasn’t like that. 

Winter  20:29  

Yeah. 

Michael  20:30  

I think people should just really listen, let the person get out what they want before you start giving out, congratulations.

Winter  20:37  

Yeah. 

Bianca  20:38  

It’s just like, even with the asking of the questions. It’s like, it’s okay to talk when you’re ready to talk. You don’t have to just because someone asked the question, you don’t necessarily have to answer, you can just say like, you know, I’m not ready to talk about it right now. I got that a lot. I went back to work after three weeks. And it was like, oh, congratulations. And it’s like–

Michael  21:01  

Or someone saw that she was out for a while. She was really out two weeks. When she went back that Monday, someone said “How was your vacation.” It completely took her. She was done. It was another week after that. So that’s why she was out for three weeks.

But yeah, so I think people should definitely just listen, because when they said that to her, and she called me, I can tell it broke her the little bit of traction she gained or tried to recover, or recovery she was kicked back 10 steps.

Winter  21:34  

Yeah, that is devastating. A vacation? Yeah, no, no. This is one thing I’ve noticed in talking to both of you today. I have noticed you guys have been so supportive of each other, you really kind of stick up for each other and are very sweet to each other. It’s been kind of, it’s been kind of cute to watch you guys.

So how would you say you guys are doing? How would you say the other person is doing for this grooming process? Is there anything that you’re concerned about? I know, it’s only been a month. But is there anything that you’re worried about for your spouse?

Bianca  22:06  

I’m worried that Michael didn’t have a chance to grieve just yet. I know he goes through his moments of sadness, of course. But again, guys grieve differently. And he’s so worried about me and trying to make sure that I’m okay that I want him to make sure that, you know, he takes the time he needs for himself to grieve properly.

Winter  22:31  

You guys are just the best, but you’re like you need to take care of yourself. That’s what I tell my husband all the time. So how about you Michael, what do you think of how your wife’s doing?

Michael  22:41  

It’s different all the time. She could be fine for four or five days. Anything as small as a commercial would send her over the edge. I definitely would agree with what was said. I didn’t fully mourn, but when I see her completely breaking down, crying, can’t eat. She didn’t eat after giving birth, she didn’t eat for probably about two weeks.

So I think I go into the, I want to be the defense for I want her to I want her to eat, I want her to rest and I need her to sleep. All doctors are calling , they’re saying, oh, well, let’s just take this depression medication. I’m just like she doesn’t need that just stop trying to force feed something.

Like just give her some time to grieve. It’s only been a month. It’s not like this happened X amount of years ago. So I think I definitely didn’t mourn, but I definitely put her above and beyond my needs to make sure she’s okay.

Winter  23:46  

I’m sure Bianca will appreciate that, or does appreciate that. How much you’re kind of protecting her in a way. So that is very sweet. You should take care of yourself too, though, Michael, I’m just saying. Have you guys had any thoughts about or any a-ha moments about life and death and/or, just your relationship as a couple or your family since this has happened?

Bianca  24:15  

Definitely. Yes, definitely. I now cherish my family even more, because you really never know. You can really be here today and gone tomorrow. Everything will be fine one minute, and then the next minute, everything can change in a heartbeat. So it’s like, now I’m very overprotective, especially with my children.

I find myself saying I love you to those around me a lot more and expressing how I feel because you never know when you’re going to talk to someone again, or when you’ll ever have that chance to say something again. So I try to take in every moment of the day and live in the moment. Rather than trying to Plan ahead now. 

Winter  25:02  

That’s great.

Michael  25:03  

Definitely I agree that we, I was the type of person that if she was like, let’s go to so and so’s house. I’m like, it’s Sunday, I got to work tomorrow. I’m not trying to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. Really. Now, it’s like let’s just go. We need to go see this person we haven’t, or even like, asking someone. Are you okay? I think is big for me. You never know what anybody’s going through. You never know. They might just need that one person to talk to. 

Winter  25:32  

Yeah.

Michael  25:32  

That one person to really just listen. Um, so I find myself asking friends all the time. Like, are you okay? Like, I just need to make sure you are okay. That is what’s big for me.

Winter  25:43  

That is really insightful, Michael. You never know what people are going through? And to just ask, are you doing okay, that is huge. Very good words of advice from both of you. Can I ask just a couple last questions? Was there anything that somebody did for you that really stood out to you? That was very helpful, very special, very touching to you.

I know that Michael, you mentioned that Bianca was like, get rid of the crib, get rid of the stuff. I cannot face it when I come home. And you had somebody do that for you. I thought that right there was huge.

Michael  26:21  

I think someone coming in to pick up the crib, or even someone in general. Just like, hey, I need to do something and they just come fly right in. Picking up the crib was the biggest one because the hardest thing for me to do was to break down that crib. 

Winter  26:35  

Yeah. 

Michael  26:35  

So when they came in, like I called them, he was like, I’ll be there in an hour. They dropped everything that they were doing and came to help us. That was the biggest thing anyone’s really done for us since this whole process started.

Winter  26:48  

Yeah, that’s so kind. They did it before you guys got home right from the hospital?

Michael  26:54  

Yeah, I had to meet him there, but yeah. I wanted to get it out before she even saw it.

Winter  26:58  

Yeah, yeah. And like the fact that he said they’re gonna be there in an hour. I mean, they did drop everything just to help you guys, that was awesome. Having somebody that is willing to help you at a moment’s notice is a lifesaver I think. Any other things that you guys thought stood out to you, that somebody did for you to help you through this? That is helping you through this?

Bianca  27:25  

I would say prayers from those closest to us. Like the random phone calls just to check in to see how we’re doing. I’m just thinking of you and like you’re giving us the, you know, shoulder to lean on, especially in this time, was very helpful. You know, basically just being supportive and just listening. I can call you and you would not even have to say anything, just listen to what I’m saying. 

Winter  27:58  

Yeah. 

Bianca  27:58  

It was very helpful to have those friends that would call and just check in. We can absolutely be our most vulnerable self to them.

Winter  28:11  

Yeah. 

Bianca  28:12  

That was definitely helpful. Receiving flowers for me, was something that just didn’t give me flowers. That was a trigger. 

Winter  28:24  

Really? 

Bianca  28:25  

Yes, every time the doorbell rang, and it would be like a flower delivery, it would break me into pieces. It was a constant reminder of what I just lost. Then flowers die. 

Winter  28:39  

Yeah.

Bianca  28:40  

So, you’re trying to nurture them as I was doing. And then eventually you know, they die. 

Winter  28:48  

Yeah. 

Bianca  28:49  

So it was very hard for me to try to see the flowers and all that stuff. It was very terrible for me. I didn’t like flowers. We got gift baskets with fruit like edible arrangements and stuff like that. Fruit like those were good. Because, you know, like I can, it’s something nutritious to me. 

Winter  29:12  

Yeah.

Bianca  29:12  

And, you know, in that moment of grieving and stuff like that it was very hard for me to eat. So giving someone fruit was more ideal for me. But the flowers were something that broke me down. It was a reminder of when we had to go buy flowers for the funeral. 

Winter  29:31  

Yeah.

Bianca  29:32  

It was a bad reminder. But everything else from like the phone calls to like the sympathy cards and just checking in and you know, being very supportive was very good for us. I definitely encourage people to do that. Especially when they go through a situation like this.

Winter  29:51  

Yeah. It is so nice when it feels like somebody remembers you, especially when you’re like this tragic thing kind of rocked my world. Then after the funeral, everything goes back to normal, right? Everything’s supposed to go back to normal and it’s nice to have people remember you, even to this day. It’s been two and a half years, almost three years since our son passed away, and it feels like I have people still checking in on me, which is a godsend, I think.

Bianca  30:21  

Yeah, definitely.

Winter  30:23  

Yeah. I’m curious to know, if you have any last piece of advice that you feel like, that has really helped you?

Bianca  30:33  

Um, I would say reading. Reading has helped me a lot. I read books on bereavement and books on the loss of a child. That helped me and gave me a lot of insight on the perspective of losing a child. It allowed me to put myself in a different space.

Winter  30:56  

Yeah.

Bianca  30:56  

I really realize that, you know, we’re not the only one that goes through situations like this. And somehow, some way you will get through it. That helped me a lot. Also, taking time out to focus on yourself. I have a lot of self care, even if it’s to just get away, and like, go pamper yourself, like I went and got my feet done, or went and got a body massage. So just like really pampering yourself, and you know, cherishing yourself. It was very hard for me at first because, like I had said, in the birth episode, I blamed myself and my body for failing me throughout this whole process and allowing myself to know that it’s not your fault.

You know, unfortunately, this is something that happened, it’s something that became a part of me, and now it’s my story and who I am today. I’m trying to find the true meaning of Bianca, you know what I mean? And really pick up those pieces and move forward and accept that this is my story. It ends how, you know, I allow it to end. So I have to keep pushing and learn to love myself in a new way, which I’m still learning obviously.

Winter  32:18  

Yeah, that’s, that’s very insightful. You know, you do feel like your body failed you, or something happened, but to take care of yourself. And also just remember your body is also a gift to bring these children into the world. I think that’s good to practice self care. Thank you so much for that. Bianca. Michael, do you have any last piece of advice, or anything that has helped you that you wanted to share before we close up today?

Michael  32:46  

I would say don’t hold in your feelings. While they’re as good or bad. Just tell somebody don’t just keep letting it pile up because it will. You’re doing yourself harm a disservice. Just talk to someone you really trust.

Winter  33:01  

Yeah, people need to remember that. I want to thank both of you for coming on today. I’m so sorry about your sweet Jalen, and I hope that this is a way that he can be remembered.

Bianca  33:15  

Thank you so much. 

Michael  33:16  

Thanks for having us.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Jalen Jeremiah | A Father’s Pandemic Stillbirth Story | Born Still at 20 Weeks

by

Dad Michael tells the story of the birth of his son Jalen Jeremiah during the COVID-19 pandemic. His wife Bianca had an incompetent cervix and they put in a cerclage, but it failed. When the medical team was trying to remove the cerclage, they broke the water, and they had to deliver their son at 20 weeks and 6 days. Because he was so young in gestational age, there was nothing that they medical team would have done. Jalen was born still after Bianca labored for a short time. He was tiny, but he was perfect.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

Timestamps:
0:00- Jalen Jeremiah
0:08- Introduction
5:28- Birth story
8:03- Hospital trip
9:41- Water breaks
15:24- Funeral
19:29- Recovery
22:17- Support Group
26:55- End

Wanna help?

  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen Bianca’s (Michael’s wife) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Bianca’s and Michael’s advice episode after Jalen’s death: Click here

Full Transcription:

Michael 0:00
My son’s name was Jalen Jeremiah.

Michael 0:08
One significant thing about him was, he was a spitting image of me from the eyes, the nose, and to the mouth. One thing I laughed about to myself was that he was really very active at five months, nothing but jumping around in there kicking. So when he came out, I laughed that his inch and a half foot was the one that was kicking her so hard. It was funny to me. That was funny to me.

Winter 0:43
Welcome to Still A Part of Us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn or who died in infancy. I’m Winter.

Lee 0:51
And I’m Lee, we are grateful you joined us today. Please know that this is a story of loss. It has triggers. Thanks to our loss parents who are willing to be vulnerable and share their children with us. If you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.

Winter 1:07
Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us. They’re Still A Part of Us.

Lee 1:19
During the times you’re getting kicked in the ribs and in the stomach wasn’t the funnest thing. But

Bianca 1:26
Yeah, definitely.

Lee 1:28
It is quite amazing how small those feet are. New born babies are. Welcome. Welcome to welcome. Welcome and thank you for coming. Thank you for coming on to the podcast. It’s always good to connect and to speak with fathers. Sometimes I feel that I’m sort of forgotten in this whole process. I’m glad that you have come to talk about your son. Tell me a little bit about yourself. How long have you and Bianca been…I don’t I don’t know. Are you married? Are you guys together? Or-

Michael 2:04
We’re married. We’ve been together since we’re 14.

Lee 2:06
Whoa.

Michael 2:08
Now we’re 28.

Lee 2:10
Oh man! More than half your life. So are you both– Were you both 14 and you’re both 28 now, or were you both 14? I’m just gonna say you’re now married.

Michael 2:20
We got married at 20 now feels like what this feels like with this situation that happened. We’ve been through everything now.

Lee 2:28
Sort of true you have.

Michael 2:29
Little bit on me? On a day to day morning. I’m in the retail business. I’m the only one that leaves the house. She works from home. Some hobbies that I do that we all like to do is to be outside. I like to play video games with my son and basketball with him. We all love to watch movies together.

Lee 2:48
What kind of movies? What genres of movies?

Michael 2:51
We’re going on comedies really.

Michael 2:55
Rom coms?

Michael 2:55
Something to keep us all up. One person wants to watch something and the next thing you know you look over another person’s sleeping. We try to stick to the Comedies so everyones awake.

Lee 3:07
That’s nice. Yeah. Because comedies are always fun. When you said you guys like to be outdoors. Being outside is awesome! Do you guys do anything in particular outdoors? Are you guys like you go hiking or camping?

Michael 3:22
We like everything pretty much. Bring the kids to the park. Walk around the park.

Bianca 3:28
Gardening.

Michael 3:29
Gardening.

Lee 3:30
It’s starting to become garden season here in Utah. Are you guys planning your own garden?

Michael 3:36
Yes, finally.

Bianca 3:38
It’s not quite it’s still like kind of really cold and–

Michael 3:42
Waiting for that season to switch over so you can finally let go of the cold weather.

Lee 3:48
So I like the cold, but it’s wonderful. Basketball. You play pretty competitively?

Michael 3:58
I’m not anymore. I did. I’m waiting for one of the big kids to play. So I can-

Lee 4:04
So you could shut stuff down?

Michael 4:06
Yeah. Like how I was rundown. Yeah.

Lee 4:11
Well, good. Now, what position would you say that you’re more of a guard? Are you, you know, shooting?

Michael 4:17
I played guard. Well, I played 1-3. Really the guard played a guard a lot in high school. Um best times best three times three times.

Lee 4:31
I was gonna say whenever I played basketball, I was always the position I played was go in and foul. I was the bruiser. I could rebound and I could bruise I couldn’t shoot. I couldn’t shoot. You know, I could be alone underneath the basket and miss every single shot, but I could out rebound and I can make them pay. I would get ejected a lot, you know, just from time church ball and stuff like that I’d get ejected from games.

Michael 5:02
But we all need a bruiser. Always need somebody on the team that’s a bruiser.

Lee 5:10
I was the punisher. So yeah, I don’t play basketball much anymore. Nobody wants to play with a bruiser when you’re an adult, so.

Michael 5:20
Right, right.

Lee 5:21
Well, wonderful. Thanks for telling us a little bit about yourself. Should we start on your guys’ birth story?

Michael 5:28
Yeah, so that day, previous to that day, he came on a Sunday. But Previous to that day on that Thursday, Bianca was having a lot of complications. Probably two weeks up until his death. Um, she was five months pregnant, but she was two centimeters dilated.

Also, the doctor was like, you guys have to put in a cerclage which is pretty much like a staple. A stitch to stitch up her cervix. That way we can try to keep him in as much as possible. As well as she had to take progesterone shots. To keep him confined.

Lee 6:08
I don’t really know what progesterone is. So would it sort of stop the advancement of birth?

Michael 6:16
Correct. So the progesterone shots would slow down the inducing.

Lee 6:22
Oh okay, that makes sense.

Michael 6:26
She had to get that put in on a Thursday. They had to put her to sleep. Of course, I couldn’t go with her because of COVID. So she had to go to it by herself. When she woke up from the surgery, she was in nothing but pain. They wanted to keep her overnight, but luckily they sent her home. She was going through immense pain.

That Thursday night, pretty much half of Friday. The doctor kept saying just take Tylenol, it’s because you felt a lot of contractions. So the doctor is like, just keep taking the Tylenol. You’ll be better. You just got to give it some time. So we said okay.

Michael 7:04
Saturday came, she was in immense pain. She couldn’t walk. She couldn’t talk. She felt like she was having real contractions. She felt like he was coming. She asked me She’s like, “Should I go down to the ER?” I said “No, call the doctor.” I’m gonna be honest. I’m the type of guy I hate going out to the ER because all they’re going to do is keep us for six hours just to give you Motrin and Tylenol and send us home.

She called and he was like, “Oh, I think you’re gonna- I think you’re okay. But come on in. If you want to come on down, we can evaluate you.” So she went down. I think it’s probably about a half hour to an hour. Well, she had called me she goes “You need to get down here right away.” And I’m like what’s wrong?

Lee 7:45
Were you at work, or home with the kids?

Michael 7:47
I’m home with the kids.

Lee 7:48
Oh, you’re home.

Michael 7:47
I’m home with the kids on that Saturday. It’s probably like two something. I’m starting dinner. Actually, I’m just getting done with it. She was like, “Come down to the hospital, we need you here ASAP.” I’m like, “Why is everything okay?” She’s like, “I don’t know. Just come down.”

Michael 8:03
Now I gotta race to put some clothes on. Get two kids dressed. I’m doing 80 down the highway. I drop them off to the in-laws. I get down there. She’s crying. I’m like, “What’s wrong? What happened?” She’s like, “The doctors are gonna have to tell you.” I said, “Okay.” I waited about 10 minutes. The doctor came in, and she’s like, “The stitch broke. He forced his way through the stitch. Then we hurt her sack that went into her vagina.” So they’re pretty much like she’s having a stillbirth. I’m still trying to process.

I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t even know what a stillbirth was. I’m like, “Slow down. This is all confusing.” So she’s like, “The stitch broke. We thought it was gonna hold in. But it didn’t. It didn’t work out.” I said, “Is there anything we can do?” I mean, I’m like, we just had this done Thursday. I mean, I’m not gonna say that. Of course, you can’t guarantee that something is gonna work. I’m like you said this would work. Their like, “Unfortunately, he just broke through.”

Michael 9:09
After I asked, “Is there anything they can do?” They said “No.” But they followed up with “Also we’re gonna have to make a decision on what’s going to happen.” She said, “If the liquid in the sack broke in her vigina it’s toxic. Now, at this point, I’m thinking like, they’re telling me I have to choose between our son and her. I can’t make that decision right now. They’re like, don’t worry about it. We’re gonna, we have to admit her. We’re trying to get a room set up for you upstairs.

Michael 9:41
20 minutes later, we went up there. The doctor goes, okay, we’re gonna have to take out the stitch. So I’m like, Okay. It took them 20 minutes to half an hour to take out the stitch. Which in my opinion was way too long because the surgery only took an hour. So I’m like what’s going on you using a bunch of Using all these spec alone appointments, she’s screaming in pain after them finally getting it out. When he first went in he goes, um, I’m going to try not to break her water. It shouldn’t. But I’m going to try very carefully not too. So we said, okay.

Once he got it out, he broke the water, but he didn’t say anything to us. I see a bunch of liquid rushing from her. I can see her face that she knew her water broke. So we asked, “Did her water break?”. Dead silence for probably about 20 seconds. And they said “It did.” At that point, it was set in. All the emotions set in. The doctor’s left. They said, “We’re gonna go get the medicine to induce labor. We’ll be back.” It’s like sitting in a labor room with no EKGs hooked up to her. That was hard for me. They finally came back. Gave the medicine-

Lee 11:02
May ask, about how long did you guys have to wait until they came back? Because sitting with your thoughts, sitting with your thoughts is always just?

Michael 11:11
Yes, in our thoughts. Well, it was bad. We got-

Bianca 11:15
There like at four. Then they told us at four that we were going to be admitted. And then it took them to about seven that night.

Michael 11:25
We’re sitting pretty much in a labor room. Dead silence. The nurse is constantly asking if we need anything trying to process. Once that time came. The labor felt like the labor took an hour. We wanted to keep him in as long as possible, but he was ready to come. After he came out. That’s when our little bean was. He came into the world. He wasn’t alive. He passed away in labor before he came. And I think that was the hardest time. I’m sitting with a newborn who was 11.. What was he?

Bianca 12:08
Oh, he was 10 and a half inches long and he weighed 11.5 ounces.

Michael 12:14
So I’m sitting with him in my hand and I don’t even.. My hands are wide open. I don’t even know how to hold a baby that small. So it was very hard. We pretty much stayed in the hospital for a day and a half. Had him the whole time. Was it two days?

Bianca 12:33
Not only stated.. We left that day that morning. So he came at 1:13 in the morning, and we left by 10 o’clock that morning, the same day.

Michael 12:45
He was everything that we wanted. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

Lee 12:51
You think he looked just like you? Tell me a little bit about his features. Did he have lots of hair or did have a little bit of hair?

Michael 12:58
He didn’t have any hair.

Bianca 13:01
Like a little fuzz.

Michael 13:02
Yeah, little fuzz. Little fuzz up there.

Lee 13:05
He did have sort of nice, perfect little fingers?

Michael 13:11
Perfect fingers, perfect fingernails. Came out with his hands crossed. He he.. Everything on him was perfect.

Lee 13:22
Everything. Everything. Yeah. Just perfect. And it hurts that you couldn’t keep him.

Michael 13:29
He was perfect. He stayed with us the whole time. Luckily the nurse that we had was amazing. It seemed like she was there with us through her whole shift. She was bringing us everything. She was laughing with us, crying with us, rubbing our backs. She even set up a photo shoot for him. She put him in a nice Winnie the Pooh blanket, a nice blue knitted hat. She gave us the certificate of life because since he wasn’t born, we couldn’t get a birth certificate. So they gave us a certificate of life, which was nice. She signed it. The hardest part of it was leaving him at the hospital.

Lee 14:17
Yeah.

Michael 14:18
The hospital was going to set up a funeral service by– we would give them his remains. They would set up a plaque at a local cemetery with all the other babies and the other still babies. But we didn’t want it. We wanted to be in charge of how the funeral service went. So we actually set up our own funeral service.

Michael 14:41
I have two other kids. Now we couldn’t even tell them up until he was here that of what happened. We have an 11 year old daughter and a six year old son and even just explaining it to them was hard. It wasn’t fair. My son was ecstatic to have another brother to run around with and cause trouble. He took it the worst. To this day he just walks around just wishing his brother was here. So they finally got to meet Jalen at the funeral. We had immediate family there with a couple of close friends.

Lee 15:24
Now, I remember when we had to figure out our funeral services I had no clue what to do, like I hadn’t the foggiest idea how to go about planning for a funeral. And it really, if it wasn’t for my family, knowing a family who runs a mortuary. I wouldn’t know what to do. But I was like, well, I guess we could use these people. Because I grew up with these people.

How did you guys go about finding a service to use? How was that process for you? For me, it gave me a purpose. And I was so determined to do that. And I did it. Like, I need to do this, I need to do that I need to go down to the cemetery and need to find plots. And once I had done everything I was lost again. But that little rest gave me a purpose to do for my son. How was planning that for you guys? Was it just completely? I’m sure it was completely new to you. But was it confusing? Was it? Did it give you a purpose for a little time, or–

Michael 16:39
Planning that funeral was hard. We used a local funeral home. Both our families have used the same funeral home in the past, so we knew who to call. She was– the woman at the funeral home was very helpful, very supportive, throughout the way. Very patient with us. We didn’t know anything about planning a funeral. I still don’t even know how we got through. I don’t even remember anything.

She was just pretty much like, how do you what do you want him to wear? And I’ll take care of everything else from there. Which was very helpful. We decided to cremate him. We don’t plan so we live in Massachusetts now. But we were planning on relocating in one or two years. So we didn’t feel comfortable burying him and just leaving.

Lee 17:31
Yeah.

Michael 17:31
So now he’s in an urn in our room. We look at him every day. We talk to him every day like he’s here. We feel like he’s with us. One way we celebrate him after the funeral was we did a balloon release. Everyone that went to the funeral with us. We bought 24 balloons and everyone that went with us wrote a little message. Sharpied a message on a balloon and released it at a park. I think that helped me out a lot.

He came on February 1, of course Valentine’s day was right around the corner. So what we did was we wrote a note to him as if he was a long distance relative. It was also hard for us because actually our anniversary was on the 23rd of February. So it seemed like we didn’t even want to do anything for that. He was the perfect little man.

Lee 18:26
You’re about a month out-a month and a half out at the time of recording. How has your recovery been? How have you guys been? It’s still so raw, it’s still so fresh for you guys. And at the time of recording, we are still in the Covid 19 pandemic. So there’s still all those, you know, social distancing. Here in Utah, they’re sort of easing up on the, you know, limiting the social gatherings to small groups.

You guys mentioned you’re in Massachusetts. How have you guys been able to recover? I don’t know. You know, of course, family will always be there for you. But, you know, how has your personal recovery been? Michael, how has your wife Bianca’s recovery been? How has your other children’s recovery been? You mentioned that your younger son is just distraught and really missing his brother. But how are they doing?

Michael 19:29
My personal recovery? Every day is different. When you feel like okay, I’m starting to make ground. I’m starting to recover, I’m starting to heal. You get something as small as seeing– like going out to the store you see a baby in a stroller, or a baby crying and you feel like it just you feel like you’re just ready to go drop it and leave the cart right where it is and go on home.

Lee 19:57
Yeah, yeah,

Lee 19:58
Bianca’s recovery has been worse. After he came, she wouldn’t eat for two weeks, there she wouldn’t eat, she was barely drinking. Luckily, she started to ease up a little bit, we have a strong support system behind us. They are there for us whenever we needed whatever time, whatever the request was, someone would come right over.

Lee 20:30
That’s a big, that’s a blessing. That’s a huge blessing.

Michael 20:33
Huge blessing. The kids recovery, we all kind of got to mourn together, which is good. Like, sometimes a person would want to or unfortunately, a lot of the mourning came in the middle of the night. While everybody’s sleeping trying to get the kids remote learning up or something crazy, we only got to really relax at night. The more so the mourning, a lot of mourning came during the morning, our early early morning hours.

It was nice for everyone to wait, everyone would hear Bianca cry, and we all would wake up and go consult her cry with her. So I think this definitely brought us together, closer, closer together. Um, the kids are slowly gradually getting better. Um, of course, they have their days where they’re crying, or they say, you know, we miss Jalen. But you know you just try to say, he’s still with us and we’ll see him again.

Lee 21:38
I was just thinking when you were talking about the mourning and at nighttime, you know, because the day you’re so occupied with so many other things, once you’re finally able to sit and be at ease and calm, and then the emotions overtake you. I just remember the three o’clock in the morning just sitting and weeping. It’s so beautiful to be alone and in mourning and having somebody come and then comfort you. I remember those–

Michael 22:14
Probably the best, the best feeling.

Lee 22:17
I do remember that. Now, Michael, there’s a support group that we go to. And they talked about how do you parent a child who has passed away? And Winter. My, you know, Winter? And we talked about it? And how do we parent our son who’s passed away? And we’ve set up you know, we have found some ways to parent through service through stuff like that.

And I know this is sort of an on the spot question, but have you guys thought about how you are going to parent Jalen? Or is there anything that you were like, you know, we would like to like the balloon, the balloon release? Or when you wrote the note to him? Are there other things that you guys do to quote unquote, to parent him?

Michael 23:09
Yes, I think we try to include him like we plan on taking family photos. We’ll bring his urn with us. We’ll meet, we’ll have like a boy balloon. Anytime we will, we’re planning on taking the trip. We take trips every summer. So we plan on bringing him with us. Not just leaving them in the house.

Lee 23:37
Yeah.

Michael 23:38
I think it’s just pretty much including him and stuff like that. This is the biggest thing for us. Will we talk as if he’s sitting right next to us all the time.

Lee 23:50
Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Is there anything else that you would like to tell us about your son Jalen, or how you and Bianca are doing or anything in particular?

Michael 24:06
Me and Bianca are just trying to get through this. We appreciate life differently now. Um, we always seem like we’re telling each other and other family members that we love them all the time. Because you never know when’s the last time you’re speaking to someone you just never know. So, I think this is definitely an eye opener to just appreciate being in the moment and appreciate everything.

Lee 24:36
Like you said, you never know. And harkening back to the very beginning of the interview you had said you never even heard of stillbirth.

Michael 24:47
Right.

Lee 24:47
But now you are so much more willing to show love to those that you love and telling them that you love them.

Michael 24:56
Definitely. We are actually in a support group too, called empty arms, they have zoom meetings all the time. Bianca’s in it a lot. I’ll sit next to her. I’m not really comfortable yet being in the zoom call in front of everybody, but I think finding that group of support outside of family to help just means I know they’re there.

After the two weeks, when you said it’s not like it’s dried up, but when that’s not there anymore, there’s definitely the support group that’s there for us that can relate all the time. Any little triggers we have, we can tell them and they say it’s okay. It’s normal, thinking over this idea or ways to maneuver a conversation. When talking about it. Facing tough questions facing the people who asked why, or how has been huge for us.

Lee 25:58
It really is amazing how a support group who have gone through what we have gone through and what you have gone through is able to sort of help you navigate, like you said. Because people are going to say things in pure innocence, that you’re just like that was not something that you should have said. Having that well of knowledge thing. Yeah, you know, this is a way that you can address that.

Michael 26:32
Right.

Lee 26:33
So I’m glad I’m glad at least you’re sitting next to Bianca during that so well Michael, thank you so much for coming and telling us about your wonderful son. Jalen. Thank you and I hope your healing path is one that you were able to embrace and come to follow you.

Michael 26:55
Thank you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Mom Bianca’s Stillbirth Story of Jalen During The COVID Pandemic at 20 Weeks

by

Mom Bianca tells of her pregnancy with her 3rd child, Jalen Jeremiah, and complications with her cervix, which led her medical provider putting in a cerclage around 20 weeks. Some of the stitches had come out, causing Bianca a lot of pain and the beginning of labor. Jalen did not survive the birth and was stillborn on February 2021, likely due to the umbilical cord around his neck. Her pregnancy, Jalen’s birth, and funeral were all during the time of the COVID pandemic.

Watch here (YouTube):

Listen here (podcast):

Time Stamps:

  • 0:00 Jalen Jeremiah
  • 1:54 Introduction
  • 4:30 Pregnancy
  • 7:29 Cervix Funneling
  • 8:45 Cerclage
  • 11:16 Emergency
  • 15:27 ER
  • 21:28 Birth
  • 32:10 Funeral
  • 35:06 His name
  • 41:55 Going home
  • 44:27 Support group
  • 48:02 Momentums

You might appreciate these other episodes:

  • Watch/listen Michael’s (Bianca’s husband) birth episode of son Jalen: Click here
  • Watch/listen to Bianca’s and Michael’s advice episode after Jalen’s death: Click here

Wanna help?

  • DONATE! Consider giving a one-time or recurring donation to help with production and hosting costs: Go here for more information.
  • SUBSCRIBE! Head over here to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcasts.
  • SHARE! Spread the word to a loss mom or dad, or those who may be supporting a bereaved parent. Send them a link to this post. Pin one of our graphics on Pinterest.

Full Transcription:

Bianca  0:00  

Jalen Jeremiah. 

Bianca  0:02  

I remember, he was so perfect. He had a little tiny button nose, 10 toes, 10 fingers. I remember holding him in my arms and just smelling him. He was just so tiny and little. I felt his cheeks and it was so soft and velvety. That Sunday that I had him. I remember, it was a very cold day, and it looked like it was going to rain. I remember getting to the hospital, anxious, very anxious, not knowing the outcome of the situation and how bad everything had turned. But I just remember holding him and he was just so perfect. He was just like my son, just a tinier version of my son. He resembled Michael a lot. He had his exact feet, the same toes. He was just so little and just amazing.

Winter  1:13  

Welcome to Still  A Part of Us a place where moms and dads share the story of their child who was stillborn, or who died in infancy. I’m winter.

Lee  1:20  

And I’m Lee, we are grateful you joined us today. Please note that this is a story of loss and has triggers

Winter  1:25  

Thanks to our loss parents who are willing to be vulnerable

Lee  1:28  

and share their children with us. If you’re listening to this podcast, just know that on our YouTube channel, there are pictures and videos that are related to the stories that are being shared.

Winter  1:37  

Subscribe and share it with a friend that might need it and tell them to subscribe. Why? Because people need to know that even though our babies are no longer with us. They’re still a part of us. 

Winter  1:54  

Bianca, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. I am just so impressed with you right now. Your strength and your willingness to share Jalen with us today. So thank you for coming on. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself, who you are, where you’re kind of located at least in the country and what you do on a day to day basis?

Bianca  2:16  

Yeah, so I am a medical claims analyst. I live in Massachusetts. I have two children. I have an 11 year old daughter Cynthia, and a six year old son named Josiah and they are wonderful children. They were looking very forward to being you know, big brother, big sister. We were just wanting to expand our family and grow and you know, become closer to one another.

Winter  2:47  

And anything you guys like to do in your spare time as a family, or as yourself, what kind of hobbies do you have?

Bianca  2:52  

I like gardening as a family, or we tend to go on road trips. We do a lot of road trips every year to go somewhere new. So we do that together. We enjoy watching movies together and just going out and enjoying each other’s company.

Winter  3:10  

That sounds so fun. That’s wonderful. And your husband is Michael is that right? 

Bianca  3:15  

Yes.

Winter  3:16  

How long have you guys been together? 

Bianca  3:18  

We’ve been together for 14 years. 

Winter  3:20  

That is awesome. 

Bianca  3:21  

We’ve been together since we were 14. 

Winter  3:25  

Yeah, that is awesome. So you guys were junior high school sweethearts.

Bianca  3:30  

Yeah pretty much. 

Winter  3:33  

That’s awesome. That’s wonderful. Well, and what area are you guys living in? Oh, did you guys already answer that? You guys probably answered that didn’t you?

Bianca  3:45  

Yeah, so we live in Massachusetts. Not too far from Boston.

Winter  3:49  

Awesome. Okay. And you guys have lived there in that area most of the time you’ve been together? 

Bianca  3:56  

Yes. We both grew up here. 

Winter  3:58  

Okay, wonderful. And so as to give a little bit of context for our listeners. Can you tell us how long ago Jalen was born?

Bianca  4:09  

So Jalen was born Monday, February 1 of 2021. So a little over a month ago.

Winter  4:15  

Yeah, it is so new for you guys. So I thank you so much for coming on today. Tell me… so you’ve told us you have two other kids and how did this particular pregnancy go compared to your other pregnancies that you’ve had?

Bianca  4:30  

This pregnancy was by far the best pregnancy I’ve ever had. 

Winter  4:36  

Really? 

Bianca  4:37  

Yes, I’ve had no complications at all. No morning sickness. It was just, like, amazing. With my other two children. It was very complicated. I was sick all the time. I want to say like all three trimesters. I was very sick. I couldn’t really keep anything down. But this pregnancy was just different. I was able to eat. I was so happy. It was amazing. Like, I really didn’t think this would be my outcome based on how amazing this pregnancy was to me. Yeah, he was a very good baby. I didn’t have any type of aversions, food aversions, anything like that.

Winter  5:24  

So really good pregnancy, oh man. Were you guys planning on having Jalen then? Was that like a planned pregnancy? 

Bianca  5:33  

Yes, he was. 

Winter  5:34  

Okay. So and No. Did you guys have any issues getting pregnant? Or was it pretty? standard?

Bianca  5:40  

Um, yeah. So we actually became pregnant after two months of trying. I was on birth control. Then we decided to come off. Two months after I came off, I got pregnant with him. We had a positive on September the 28th.

Winter  5:58  

Oh, wow. That’s awesome. So you, so no issues and it was kind of one of those things where it just kind of worked out right?

Bianca  6:06  

It did. Yes. 

Winter  6:07  

Yeah. That is, that’s so frustrating when you’re like, this is not what I was expecting it to be though. So, tell me a little bit about how things progressed then. You guys found out in September of 2020 that you were pregnant and everything was going really well with the pregnancy sounds like you were quite comfortable and excited. Your kids were excited. You guys were excited. So that’s wonderful. All of the medical checkups and everything, how did those go with it? Was there any sort of indication that anything was an issue?

Bianca  6:44  

No, so everything was fine. All my appointments were perfect. I have my appointments, my checkups, the baby was growing, and very healthy. Everything with me was fine. I was feeling good. It was up until my 20 week anatomy scan. Actually it was before my 20 week anatomy scan. So I ended up going to the hospital for a checkup the day after Christmas. They want to see me every two weeks because of my history with both my two previous pregnancies. My son was a preemie and he was born at 32 weeks. 

Winter  7:29  

Okay. 

Bianca  7:29  

And so they were concerned as to whether or not I would go into labor early this pregnancy. So they wanted to monitor that very closely ahead of time, so that they would be able to detect once my cervix started to dilate. So I was going in for my checkups every two weeks. I went on January 12th. For that was the beginning of that two week period, they wanted me to start going.

When I went to that appointment, they did a cervical scan, basically to see if my cervix started to dilate at all. And they checked the baby and he was fine growing healthy. At that appointment, everything was fine. When I was there. Two days later, I got a phone call from my midwife and she said that she’d noticed my cervix had started to funnel. So I really wasn’t sure what that had meant. But she basically said that if you look at a funnel, the way that a funnel is shaped is how it has a narrow end. Then the top of my cervix basically the baby was starting to push down. 

Winter  8:45  

Okay.

Bianca  8:45  

So eventually my cervix would start to open. She noticed that it began to funnel and they wanted to go over my options on whether or not I wanted to take progesterone shots, or if I wanted to get a cerclage put in place. Basically what this cerclage does is it’s like a stitch that stretches your cervix shut. Then it’s supposed to prevent preterm labor. I had told her that I wanted to talk to my husband and I had an appointment coming up two weeks later for January the 26th. I wanted to, you know, think about it and then let her know at that appointment whether or not I wanted to do either the cerclage or the progesterone shots. 

Bianca  9:34  

At that appointment on the 26th I had my anatomy scan. So they did the anatomy scan. They checked the baby and everything first, and he was fine. I actually got some ultrasound pictures where he was actually smiling. 

Winter  9:50  

Oh, oh, that is wonderful. 

Bianca  9:52  

Yeah. So that made me happy. Then she checked my cervix and I remember her pushing on my stomach. I can see because I have the screen in front of me and she was pushing on my stomach. As she was pushing, I saw something like an opening, every time she would push, I would see an opening. So I was like, “Is that my cervix?” And she said, “Yeah, you see that?” And I’m like, “yeah, that’s really weird.”  It was opening really big. So I got scared. She had stepped out and said she was gonna go get one of the high risk doctors to come in.

She had left. And at that point, I didn’t think anything of it because I’m like, the baby was fine. His heart rate was good and he was moving around. He was doing everything he was supposed to be doing for his gestational age. 

Winter  10:42  

Right.

Bianca  10:44  

The doctor had come in and they told me at that point, I needed to go over to the hospital to get an emergency cerclage put in because I was beginning to dilate and eventually he would come. I was nervous about that. I remember calling Michael. Michael was at work that day. I was like, I don’t want to do surgery. I went over to the hospital. They didn’t actually do it that day. They ended up scheduling it for two days later. I had the surgery done on the 28th of January, which was a Thursday

Winter  11:14  

Okay.

Bianca  11:16  

That Thursday, I went to the hospital, they put me to sleep, I was under general anesthesia. I remember the doctor that I had, it was just not a good experience. I felt like the communication was very off. So I had a ton of questions. I felt like my questions weren’t really being answered as they should have. 

Winter  11:39  

Yeah. 

Bianca  11:40  

At the time, Michael wasn’t able to come in because of COVID, I had to go for myself. So I got dropped off to the hospital. I remember just being frightened and I had questions. I felt like my questions weren’t really being answered. So they gave me the IV and I was getting wheeled into the operating room. I remember, they were telling me that I would fall asleep soon, because the drugs that they were giving me were supposed to make me go to sleep for the procedure.

I remember the doctor saying, “Oh my gosh, Bianca, this is going to be very risky.” And I was trying to get my words out to ask what’s going on, but I felt myself going to sleep because they had given me the medication already. I remember waking up in the recovery room, and I was like, is my baby, okay? They were like, yeah, the baby’s okay. It was very risky, because the membranes were beginning to come down and to my vagina. They had to basically push it back up and stitch it. It was risky, because during the process, there was a potential risk that he would break my water by accident. So luckily, everything was fine. Surgery and everything was a success. 

Bianca  13:01  

I waited at the hospital for a couple hours until I was able to recover. Then my mom came to the hospital to pick me up and brought me home. That was on a Thursday, so the Friday I remember being in so much pain, because of the surgery. So I thought, Oh, okay. I thought it was because of the surgery, I was bleeding, which they said would be normal because they tampered with my cervix. They said that the pain was normal because you know, they were messing with my cervix as well.

I remember saying to my girl, “I’m in so much pain, I’m cramping.” I had my previous son naturally, so I knew what the contractions felt like and it very much felt like contractions to me. I remember calling the doctor and I was explaining what I was feeling. They were telling me “Oh, no, that’s normal. Just take a Tylenol, you’ll be fine.” I had a checkup that Tuesday. So I was just like, okay, and I ignored taking the Tylenol. 

Bianca  14:12  

Saturday came and I’m just like, I don’t feel right. I had called the Doctor again and they have prescribed some type of medication that’s supposed to stop the contractions that I was having. I remember reading the back of the medication and I was like this says not safe to take in pregnancy. I was iffy about taking that. I was very iffy and my doctor reassured me that it was completely safe. He said he gave me a low dose and that it would help with the contractions that I was experiencing. I took the medication even though I had doubts from the beginning about taking it. 

Bianca  14:54  

I took that and then Sunday, everything just went downhill. My contractions were more intense, I started to feel a lot of pressure. I remember saying to Michael, “Should I go back to the ER and get evaluated.” And he was like, “Make sure you call your doctor first and see what the doctor says. I remember calling the doctor, this was the same doctor that did the surgery. He was just like, “Oh, I don’t think anything is wrong. But you can come in and we can evaluate you and see what’s going on.”

Bianca  15:27  

So I remember going and I had to go by myself again, because of COVID and I had got there and I could barely walk. It was so intense that I could barely even stand up straight and walk because the pain kept coming very intense, very strong and quickly. So they checked me in and I remember going to the back you know, where they called you in to assess you and all that. Then the nurse was talking to me, and she was asking what type of pain I was feeling. She wanted me to change into a Johnny and sit down on the stretcher that they had there. I remember telling her, “I can’t even take my clothes off. I’m in so much pain, I can’t even take anything off.”

She helped me and I remember another nurse came in and they were going to do a speculum exam, just to see what was happening. They did that. I remember usually speculum exams her a lot for me. I remember they put the speculum, but it was barely in. They both looked at each other. Then they said that they had to call a doctor. I was very scared. I had turned to the nurse. I was like, “Is everything okay? “And she was like, “Well, the stitches came out and your water stack is right here. Like it’s right there.” I’m like, “No, like, it can’t be there.” I was only 20 weeks and six days that Sunday, I was gonna be 21 weeks, the following day. I was just like, “No, this can’t be.” So I was like, “Can you please call my husband?” So she was like, “Yep, you’re going to be admitted.”

Bianca  17:15  

The doctor came down and the doctor was very blunt. He came to the room and he said, “You’re 20 weeks and six days, we’re gonna have to admit you and get this baby delivered, there’s going to be zero to little chance of survival for him because of his gestational age.” I remember saying to him, “Please hold, please just wait.” And I’m like, “Even if he comes this early, is there any way that the NICU you can, like, you know, help him out? Or like even get involved?” He said “No, because babies that little don’t have a chance of survival and the NICU you will not step in until a baby is at least 22 weeks.”

Even though he told me all that I remember just being there and I was in a state of shock. This can’t be my life right now. Like, there’s no way I didn’t want to believe it. For some reason, I had some hope that what he was saying was wrong. 

Bianca  18:19  

I remember the nurse had come back and she’s like ,”We called your husband, he’ll be on his way.” I remember Michael sent me a text and he was like, what’s going on, and I just couldn’t even respond to him because I didn’t know myself. I, for some reason, was just completely numb. I was completely numb to the situation. I just didn’t want to believe it. So, after that they brought me upstairs Michael came and the doctor was explaining to Michael everything that was going on. I felt very alone at that moment. I felt very defeated.

Bianca  19:04  

I went upstairs, and I got admitted. Everything just happened so quickly. This was like on a Sunday afternoon as well. Everything just happened so quickly. They first had to take the stitches out before I could deliver because they didn’t want it to interfere with the labor process. I remember, I didn’t want an epidural. I didn’t want to take any drugs either. I wanted to feel everything. You know what I mean? Like because I wanted to remember him and I didn’t want to be completely numb.

I knew at that moment I was emotionally numb, but I didn’t want to be completely numb to the situation. They took the stitches out and that was a very painful process for me. Took about 20 minutes. For some reason my water was still intact. I was so hopeful that maybe they can take the stitches out and I can be on bedrest, you know, like, maybe they can keep me in the hospital and I can stay here. Everything can work out, maybe I can get to 22 weeks or they can possibly save him. 

Winter  20:19  

Yeah. Did the doctors give you any sort of.. it was.. there was no hope. They basically said there was nothing to do.

Bianca  20:29  

I felt like they pretty much just wrote him off. At that moment. From the time I was in the ER, I felt like they pretty much just wrote him off like, she’s going to deliver and that’s going to be it. I don’t feel like they’ve done everything they could have. I felt like the doctor that I had was very harsh. When he was taking the stitches out, I wanted him to be careful, because I knew that my water was right there. Like the bag was right there. He was just so rough.

I remember, he put like an awesome object that looked like a hook to pull a stitch out. I just remember this warm sensation falling down my leg and I’m like, “Did you break my water? Did it break?” Everybody in the room just got quiet and I just started bawling. 

Bianca  21:28  

After that, they gave me some medication to get my labor to start to progress. I delivered Jalen on that Monday morning at 1:13 in the morning. Labor was very intense, very much real and painful. I had no desire to push because I just wanted to be pregnant for as long as I could be pregnant. I wanted to stay pregnant for as long as I could. I remember having this nurse by my side. She was very amazing. She was like an angel sent from above like she stood by my side the whole time. She rubbed my back, she laughed with me and cried with me. She was just so amazing and made the process and my experience so much more special. Not once did she leave me at all and I just felt like she was like a mom to me at that moment.

I remember pushing him out and I was on all fours. It was so difficult for me. I had no desire to push because I wanted him to stay in. I felt like he was safe there. He was safe with me and then once he came out it would just be over with and that’s the part that I struggle with the most. I remember him coming out and I took that last and final push. He came out and the room was quiet. I couldn’t see him because again I was on all fours and I remember turning to the nurse, “I was like is my baby okay?” She looked at me and she said “He has no clothes.”

Bianca  23:47  

I turned around and sat down. She wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. He was so perfect. I remember giving him a kiss on his cheek and telling him how much I loved him and how I was sorry because I felt like my body failed him. I had so many plans for him. I was prepared. It hurts me so bad because I will never get to see his eyes, I will never get to hear his cry, or feel his little fingers wrapped around my finger at all. The worst experience was of course the labor, but saying my goodbyes to him at a hospital and leaving him there knowing that I was going home and not being able to take him with me. Being on a labor and delivery Ward with other pregnant women, you know, they get to see their babies and I leave mine behind.

Bianca  25:20  

He did have a little bruising on the left side of his cheek. They did say that it was because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. 

Winter  25:31  

Oh, really? 

Bianca  25:33  

Yeah. And so once my water had broken, with every contraction that I was having, and one stroke to get tighter around his neck. I feel like I just let him down like my body failed. This is like a meeting that we both wanted. We both agreed that we both were so happy about it. The kids are so happy to have him and then having to explain that he’s not going to be here anymore really broke me down. Especially with my six year old having to explain to a six year old that was so excited that he was going to help a brother that he’s not going to physically be here with us was hard to explain.

Bianca  26:32  

Shortly after I delivered him. We decided to go home that day. It was a very bad snowstorm. I didn’t want to stay in the hospital. They did say I can stay for two days. I remember saying “No, I don’t want to stay here anymore. I just have to leave.” I kept seeing pregnant women, I kept hearing babies crying in the hall and I just wanted to leave. 

Bianca  27:06  

They did ask me how I wanted everything to go in terms of Jalen and I told them that I would reach out to a funeral home because I did want to have a service for him. Um, the hospital said that they do a program basically where they would dispose of his body. They would dedicate a plaque in our cemetery nearby. At that moment, I was just like, you know what I don’t want to… I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to be in charge of what I did with him with his body. You know, I don’t feel like we were going to stay in Massachusetts much longer. We plan on relocating soon. I would feel so guilty of not being able to, you know, have his remains with us and having him here in a cemetery where I wouldn’t be able to visit and I just felt very terrible about it. 

Bianca  28:14  

We both agreed to get a funeral home that we both were familiar with. They picked him up from the hospital. We ended up getting him cremated and we have his ashes and an urn in our room that we keep close to us. We created a memory table for him. It was like his pictures around and his Teddy bear that he was holding at the hospital. We have his blanket. We created a Memory Box for him with a pregnancy test and first ultrasound pictures of his blankets, his teddy bears that you know the blanket he was wrapped in and the teddy bear he was holding and the first outfit that we both bought for him. We have a lot of pictures that we took in the hospital that we’re able to look back on. I ended up getting those printed out and put that in his memory box. I’m so grateful that the nurse offered to do a little photoshoot for him. 

Winter  29:29  

Oh wonderful.

Bianca  29:30  

Yeah, she was able to get professional pictures done for us that we have to look back on. She got him dressed up. She put on this really cute outfit on him. It was like a little baby blue shirt and she wrapped him up in a little Winnie the Pooh blanket where he had a baby blue knitted hat on to fit him because he was so tiny. He was 10 and a half inches long and he was 11.5 ounces. Very tiny, I was able to hold him in my hand. He was so tiny.

I was just grateful to have those pictures to look back on. You know, I really encourage pictures. Taking pictures, because at that moment, I didn’t want to take pictures, but I’m glad that we did. Because now, we have pictures of the three of us. It’s something that I cherish and look at every day. We had a funeral service, and the kids were able to see him for the first time there. They weren’t able to finally process it. Seeing him physically. 

Winter  30:52  

Did you end up calling or letting your kids know what was happening when you guys were at the hospital? Is that what happened?

Bianca  31:00  

Yeah, so Michael ended up calling my daughter. She kind of knew when I had left to go to the ER, the night before. She knew something was wrong. When she noticed that Michael had to leave out. He had to end up bringing the kids to my mom’s house and said that he had to go to the hospital with me, told her that and she knew she was texting me with “Everything, okay? I wasn’t responding, because I didn’t want to worry her. He let her know that this is what’s happening and the baby is not going to make it. She at that moment had broken down which broke me down even more. My son just didn’t understand. 

Winter  31:55  

Yeah at the funeral, so they got to meet him? Was it just your family? Did any of your other immediate– like your mom, was she able to come and see him and meet him?

Bianca  32:10  

Yep. So we had a more intimate service. It was just like, immediate family and some friends. Yeah, really close friends. Michael had two friends and I had my two close friends. They did it where they had us come like an hour earlier. So me, Mike and the kids. We had our time, our one on one time where we, you know, can have the kids process everything and see him and ask any questions they needed to ask.

Winter  32:52  

How did they take it?

Bianca  32:54  

My daughter was very hurt. My son was upset. I remember he had said, “You guys promised I would have a brother.” That was hard to explain to him like you still have a brother. He’s just not here. He has to be with God now and Heaven and he’s watching over us. He didn’t understand that concept. He didn’t understand why he had to go. And it was hard for me to explain to him why he had to go as well. I still struggle with that till this day. You know, he goes up to his urn, and he’ll talk to the urn, and help pick it up. And I’m like, “Hey, put that down.” So what I did was I went out to build a bear, and I ended up getting them a teddy bear for both of them. One has his heartbeat from the ultrasound in the arm and so we had a ton of clothes that we had purchased.

We were preparing, buying things little by little. I remember putting Jalen onesie on the teddy bear. And so he’ll go and he’ll push the teddy bear and hear the heartbeat and it plays a song, which is a song that we played at the funeral. He’ll go, he’ll hug it, he’ll play it and every now and again he’ll shed a tear and he’ll say, “I miss Jalen”, and I’m like, Yeah, I miss him too. It’s very hard. He has his days where one day he’s fine. And then the next day he’s breaking down my daughter as well. She has her days or some days it’s easy for her and some days. She’s hugging her teddy bear and looking at his pictures. 

Winter  34:50  

It’s so hard for the siblings. It’s yeah, yeah. Can you tell me why you guys named him? Jalen is that a family name is that I? Is that just a name you guys have really liked?

Michael  35:06  

We were throwing, what seemed like 1000 names out. We probably said about 1000 names 999 were getting swatted by each other? 

Winter  35:18  

That’s what always happens. 

Michael  35:19  

Yeah, so I guess Jalen came up and we both we’ve finally agreed and we stopped that that because if not, we were just-

Bianca  35:30  

So just read I really like the name Jeremiah. 

Winter  35:35  

Hmmmh

Bianca  35:35  

Which is his middle name because my daughter’s name is Sanya. My son is Josiah and then Jeremiah, you get the ring. 

Winter  35:42  

Oh, there’s definitely that either, and I like it.

Bianca  35:47  

So I love the name Jeremiah. Josiah is also a biblical name and so is Jeremiah. So I really wanted to keep back on as well as Michael. So I’m like, look at we’ll have all the boys in the house have a biblical name. Michael’s like, “I just don’t like that for a first name.” So first he mentioned Jaden, and I’m like, I don’t like Jaden too much because we have family members named Jaden. So I was like, what about Jalen, and so my mom’s name is Juliene and so she was like, yeah, Jalen, that’s perfect. She’s like, yes. So we ended up naming him Jalen Jeremiah and we both agreed to that. 

Winter  36:35  

It’s got a nice rhythm.It’s got a nice rhythm to it. I really like it a lot. 

Bianca  36:43  

Thank you. 

Winter  36:45  

So you guys have a nice little kind of a memory wall. A Memory Box for Jalen. Is there anything that you guys, what other things that you did during the delivery and even at the internment? Is there anything that you wanted to do? That was really special that you wanted to kind of remember him by? It sounded like you guys had a special song that you played for him too. During the funeral? 

Bianca  37:12  

Yeah, so we played Surrender by I think her name is Natalie. Um, so we played that song and it’s a really heartfelt song. My sister created a slideshow for us that we played at the funeral as well. So it was like, the moment we found out we were pregnant with the pregnancy test. We got those on camera. We were able to throw in his first ultrasound where they confirmed that, you know, there was a little Bean that was his nickname. We all called him Bean. Our announcement photo, we announced our pregnancy on Christmas Day. 

Winter  38:01  

Oh, fun. 

Bianca  38:03  

Yeah, so that was exciting. For us, everyone found out on Christmas Day, and I couldn’t hide it anymore at that point. It was like either I told them on Christmas Day, or they’re gonna just wonder what’s going on because my stomach was starting to poke out too much. Usually, like Valentine’s Day, He was born in February, the first and Valentine’s Day came. So what we did was go out and we bought a card. It was like a card for a loved one that’s far away. I bought him a card and wrote everything I was feeling at that moment in the card for him. I think I want to keep that going on holidays, like, include him and stuff like that, and continue to talk about him and, you know, plan for different milestones that he would have reached with our due date coming up.

I know it’s gonna be very challenging for us, but I want to do something in remembrance of him on that day. Whether it’s to go out and do something in memory of him or do a balloon release. I know at the end of the funeral, we went up to the park close by our house and we all let go–We wrote on a balloon, wrote him a message and we said a balloon release and let it go for him. 

Winter  39:31  

That’s awesome. That’s, that’s so that’s a fun thing to do. Yeah, send a message. Right.

Bianca  39:40  

I think he sends us a lot of messages too, because I, I don’t really I can almost feel his presence with me. After I gave birth, I still feel like I’m pregnant. Like even sometimes I’ll sit here and I feel like I can still feel him kicking. It’s so weird to me because it’s like I’ll look at Michael I’m like, I feel pregnant. Like, I feel like he’s here. My stomach, I can feel him moving like, it’s, it’s the weirdest thing. I remember one day I was crying. And I just wanted him, you know, just couldn’t understand why I wanted him here so bad. My TV just shut off, or I’ll come across like a name. I’ll be working because I work from home and I’ll come across a name of a patient and it’s Jalen, and it’s just like, my baby is trying to like, talk to me. Let me know that he’s okay. 

Winter  40:42  

Yeah. Like, you know, he shows up every so often.

Bianca  40:48  

Yeah, I feel like he’s trying to let me know. It’s so weird. I do. I do try to like, talk about him. I feel like it helps me a lot to like, continue to talk about him and share his story. I just wish that some days, I wish I could have had the chance to tell them how much I loved him and how much he was wanted and how much we all needed him. Especially me. I felt like I really needed him at this moment in my life. I wanted him more than anything. If I could have done anything to save him, I would have without a doubt. The moment I hit my second trimester, it was on game like I started going shopping. We had Michael put his crib up. We got the stroller, the car seat, the clothes, everything, we got everything but diapers and formula. So that was hard. That was very hard. 

Winter  41:54  

Yeah. 

Bianca  41:55  

I remember the day that I ended up leaving the hospital. I said to Michael, can you get somebody over the house and take that crib down and take the car seat and take the stroller and just get it out cause we had his nursery set up. I didn’t think I could come back home to that all being there. So I ended up getting dropped off at my grandparents house. Michael had called somebody and they took the crib out. We ended up donating it to a women’s shelter. I just kept his clothes. The only thing I did keep was his clothes. I haven’t gotten the courage just yet to get rid of any of his clothes. They’re all still packed away in his drawer.

As far as everything else, we got rid of all the big stuff that I just wanted it to go because I didn’t think I had the courage to walk into his room and see all that stuff there knowing that he wouldn’t be here with us and he wouldn’t be using any of this. It was his stuff. It just broke me down to even think about going home and all his stuff was set up and ready for him it tore me apart. So I did tell Michael to take that down. But the dresser with his clothes in it. Leave the dresser, everything else you can take, the stroller and the car seat. We didn’t throw away the box. So we were able to take that back. I just wanted it gone.

Yeah, I still have his clothes that I plan on keeping until it’s the right time. I don’t think it’ll ever be the right time, but it gives me comfort, being able to look at them. And you know, it gives me something that we bought for him. So I don’t really feel comfortable just giving it away just yet.

Winter  43:54  

Yeah. And you, you should hold on to it as long as you need to. Because you know what you might need your kids might need to dress up their Build a Bears in a onesie or two. So yeah. Now is there anything else you would like to tell me about his birth or anything that you want to remember about him?

Bianca  44:18  

Oh, yeah, so the hospital has a program, or like a support group called empty arms. 

Winter  44:26  

Mm hmm. 

Bianca  44:27  

They reached out to the organizer of the program. And I remember while I was in the hospital, she reached out to me and I remember just looking at my phone and I’m like, I don’t want to talk to anybody right now. I can’t explain anything about what just happened. I don’t even want to talk about any of this right now. So I ignored her for a couple of days. And she kept reaching out and eventually I opened up and I let her in. And she has some volunteers that go to the hospital. They’ll do things for the baby, which I’m so grateful for.

They were able to make us castings of Jalen’s hands and his feet. I do have that with his footprints and his hands to look at and have like a visual. That helped me a lot in this grieving process, every now and again, I’ll go in that box, and I’ll pull out the casting, then I’ll like, rub his feet and just look at them and look at his little toes and his hand, they were balled in a little fist. I just look at those. I’m just grateful that I had that and that support group. They do have meetings where I’m able to, like, have virtual meetings with other moms that went through the same thing. We’re able to share our experiences. I feel like it helps a lot to know that you’re not alone in the situation.

Before this happened to me, I never really thought about this like until it happened. Like, I knew this kind of stuff happened. But I didn’t know it happened like this, or, you know, like, I hear other stories and stuff. It’s just like, wow, it’s so yeah, the emotions are so raw and so real. I’ve had other losses in my life, but nothing compared to this type of loss. This type of loss was something that I felt like, it hit me deep down. Like, I know, every loss is painful. But this type of loss was something that was just I felt like I lost a part of myself, the day that I lost Jalen. And I don’t feel like I will ever be that Bianca, that I was in September 2020.

When I found out I was pregnant, I will never be that person again. The day that I lost him, I lost myself. Like he took a part of me with him. I feel like that’s the saddest part because I really, I had so much hope for him. I just, I plan for everything when you lose a baby, not only plan for the baby, but you plan for their future you plan for, you know, their first solid food and the first walks and all that. I won’t get to experience any of that with him.

Winter  47:58  

Yeah, it is. It’s devastating.

Bianca  48:02  

But yeah, it was definitely grateful to have the momentums that I did get for him and the pictures that I do have, that I cherish every day and you know, trying to carry on his memory and by creating that memory table, and we both have necklaces, in remembrance of him. And so we wear this every day. I haven’t taken this off at all.

Winter  48:33  

Yep, I know what you’re talking about, that’s what you do. 

Bianca  48:39  

Yeah, so I think that’s my little bean. 

Winter  48:43  

I love that. I love that. Thank you so much for sharing his birth story with me today. I know it’s not an easy task to do that, but I hope that it has helped your heart and I hope it has. Well you’ll have this memory of it with you so, so thank you again, thank you again, Bianca, for coming on today. We will talk to you soon. 

Bianca  49:10  

Thank you, thanks for having us.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

09: Lacie’s story of Summer’s birth, subchorionic bleeding, vaginal delivery at 20 weeks

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In this birth story podcast interview, mom Lacie tells of past infertility and how they discovered a subchorionic hemorrhage early in her 1st pregnancy, but the bleeding never fully resolved. Despite feeling “out of the woods” at her 20 week anatomy scan, Lacie’s water broke and she delivered her daughter, Summer, via vaginal birth at 20 weeks and 5 days. Summer died either prior to delivery or during delivery.

Lacie’s and Erik’s daughter, Summer, who was stillborn at 20 weeks and 5 days
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